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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand the psychology behind lying about having gastric surgery?

75 replies

WhaleBlue · 16/07/2023 14:45

I’ve met a couple of people in my life who have had surgery for weight loss. Good for them, it’s their body and their decision. However in both cases, both have lied about it. The first said she was in hospital a few days for a badly sprained wrist, the second just said they were going on holiday for a week.

one was a friend (or at least I thought she was), the other my sister in law.

I get it’s a personal decision and they have no obligation whatsoever to tell anyone, but obviously it soon becomes apparent they are losing a lot of weight in a very short time afterwards. Do these people think that people are too thick to work this out? I’m in no way judgemental, people should do whatever they want, but AIBU to be upset about being lied to?

help me understand please.

OP posts:
drunkpeacock · 16/07/2023 15:04

The bit I was struggling with is do they think people are too stupid to realise they’ve had surgery?

In my case I realised people would draw their own conclusions and did share things as and when I felt comfortable but I expected people not to poke their noses into my business, I assumed manners rather than stupidity.

bellac11 · 16/07/2023 15:05

Its not relevant for you to know

Its not actually relevant at all because weight loss surgery is simply a tool, it doesnt drop the weight off you in and of itself, you still have to eat less, a lot less and your life turns into a military operation, its hard hard work

She might have taken advice from someone like me, who stupidly has been quite open about it and now ALL anyone wants to talk about is what I eat, how much weight Ive lost, its like I dont exist except to give information about my food intake. Its boring and tiresome.

I would also be concerned that someone has told you their personal information that they didnt want shared, who did that, a friend or their husband or something? How did you know it was weight loss surgery for example?

SpringIntoChaos · 16/07/2023 15:06

Fuck but you're such a busy body aren't you OP? And bloody mean to boot! Keep your nasty nose out of what doesn't concern you! It's NOT ABOUT YOU! There...happy to help!

DaisyWaldron · 16/07/2023 15:07

Do you feel entitled know about all the intimate medical treatments that people have in your social circle? Should people also tell you about their abortions, miscarriages, erectile dysfunction, bowel problems, pregnancy complications, STIs, incontinence, mental illnesses etc and what treatment they are getting for those?

People might choose to share those details with you, but you are not owed that information.

ILoveYourFace · 16/07/2023 15:07

I think YABU. They don’t feel that you’re a close enough to them to tell, which is fine. I think they probably made the tight choice not to tell you based on the tone of your post.

ILoveYourFace · 16/07/2023 15:07

*right

egowise · 16/07/2023 15:07

Because of people like you. Nosy and judgemental to boot!

bluberrypies · 16/07/2023 15:09

AppleKatie · 16/07/2023 14:57

They don’t think you’re too thick to work it out. They are hoping you are polite enough not to mention it.

this

Acatnamedfox · 16/07/2023 15:10

“I get it’s a personal decision and they have no obligation whatsoever to tell anyone” do you get that? Because you’ve come to Mumsnet to create a post about your entitlement that they haven’t told you?
Are you also this nosy and emotional when a woman gives another excuse for not drinking in the early stages of pregnancy?
What a bizarre thread, imagine being this distressed about what people do to their bodies?

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 16/07/2023 15:19

Is the frustration over this sort of thing being kept a secret to do with a feeling that they are getting the societal kudos attached to losing weight through 'cheating'?

Though I think weight loss surgery would be difficult in its own way, in any case. Not something undertaken lightly.

BadNomad · 16/07/2023 15:20

It's not about you. They're not thinking about you. They're not thinking you or anyone else is stupid.

fuchiaknickers · 16/07/2023 15:23

The bit I am struggling is, is why you even care?

amoobaa · 16/07/2023 15:26

WhaleBlue · 16/07/2023 14:49

Yeah I managed to that bit out thanks. The bit I was struggling with is do they think people are too stupid to realise they’ve had surgery?

Show quote history

@WhaleBlue you’re wondering if they think you’re too thick to realise?

nobody can be certain what motivates them to keep the information private. There are so many possible reasons. Nobody apart from those specific individuals will be able to tell you. And they have chosen not to.

They want to keep it private and even if others notice their weight loss, they have chosen not to start a conversation about it.

Have you tried thinking about it from their perspective (with compassion), rather than making it about yourself.

You seem offended by the boundaries they have set for themselves.

Have you considered the possibility that they made the decision for their own reasons… and that those reasons are about them and their circumstances, not about you and your interest in their personal circumstances?

Do you always get confused and upset when people don’t share personal information with you?

Do you generally assume you’re entitled to know about other people’s personal issues, and if they don’t, feel like they’ve wronged you?

I mean this kindly and genuinely- Maybe the answers you’re seeking are best sought in therapy?

alexisccd · 16/07/2023 15:26

You assume that they are stupid and don't realise that you wouldn't guess. Let's turn that on its head

Perhaps they don't care that you realise they've had surgery, but they don't wish to discuss it with you as they find you judgemental / don't fe that close to you / don't like you. Now you are the one missing the writing on the wall...

StarchySturgess1 · 16/07/2023 15:29

Because it's nothing to do with anyone else. It makes no difference if they're in for a gastric band or a tonsillectomy, it's their business.

As is any weight loss that happens afterwards. Their business. We shouldn't be commenting on other people's bodies all the bloody time anyway so I fail to see how it would even come up in a conversation, unless you're digging around and making it weird.

WonderingWanda · 16/07/2023 15:29

Are you entitled to know all of everyone's medical history? The psychology is they don't want to talk about it to you.

SheWontSheCantShesLeft · 16/07/2023 15:37

They don’t want to share personal info.

By telling a lie, they’re signalling that, even if others work it out, it’s a subject that’s off limits.

It’s a fairly standard social/communication strategy. A white lie that hurts no one but protects someone’s privacy.

YABVU to be upset about being lied to. A very strange response on your part.

bellac11 · 16/07/2023 15:38

Whats the psychology of people who make everyone elses lives and decisions all about them?

misssunshine4040 · 16/07/2023 15:42

WhaleBlue · 16/07/2023 14:45

I’ve met a couple of people in my life who have had surgery for weight loss. Good for them, it’s their body and their decision. However in both cases, both have lied about it. The first said she was in hospital a few days for a badly sprained wrist, the second just said they were going on holiday for a week.

one was a friend (or at least I thought she was), the other my sister in law.

I get it’s a personal decision and they have no obligation whatsoever to tell anyone, but obviously it soon becomes apparent they are losing a lot of weight in a very short time afterwards. Do these people think that people are too thick to work this out? I’m in no way judgemental, people should do whatever they want, but AIBU to be upset about being lied to?

help me understand please.

I think YABU as it's not your business. It's a private medical matter that has nothing to do with you and you have no right to know.
If someone is embarrassed and ashamed or whatever reason doesn't want to share why they are having medical treatment why should they?

Starseeking · 16/07/2023 15:45

My mum had a gastric band put in about 15 years ago, and lost about 8 stone immediately following.

She's now gained all the weight back on, plus a bit more, and to this day my dad does not know that she had the surgery (she said she was going to see her sister overseas). They've been married 45 years.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 16/07/2023 15:47

I’m in no way judgemental, people should do whatever they want, but AIBU to be upset about being lied to?

You're “upset”? Why? So they pretended it was all diet and exercise - so bloody what? As you say, most people will work it out, so why would it possibly bother you this much that they fool themselves into believing everyone thinks it was all “natural”? Let them have their moment - it makes zero difference to you.

one was a friend (or at least I thought she was)

Good Lord, some people really will go to any lengths to make themselves a lead
character in a story where they’re barely an extra.

bellac11 · 16/07/2023 15:50

Just to correct something above - it IS diet

You still have to 'diet' after surgery, you have to eat less. The surgery makes that easier, but as nother poster points out, you may not be successful or sustain it.

Its more or less a diet/new way of living/way of eating for life, its a whole lifestyle change for ever (if you stick at it)

So when someone makes the point that by having surgery you're not losing weight through diet and exercise, this is incorrect. Its just that your body has had some mechanism to make diet and exercise slightly easier.

InSpainTheRain · 16/07/2023 16:04

No, we're not so stupid to think you won't work it out. But we don't want people talking to us about it - so we give a nice safe reason why we are out of action for a bit. Then we can both safely ignore the topic rather than suffer the pitying glances and judgmental looks and the "kind enquiries" about our health which come across as a bit gloaty sometimes. Does that clear it up for you OP?

Ketzele · 16/07/2023 16:50

Yeah, because of stigma.

I doubt they think you're stupid, per se. But our society is massively stupid in how it understands and talks about obesity, and most fat people are sick to the back teeth of having to take the brunt of that.

ShodanLives · 17/07/2023 17:17

Wow, with friends like you...