To tell my mother to get over herself?

[AngryGreasedSantaCatcus]

I was telling my mum about DD's school report which was pretty great . She said all the right things to begin with, and then the conversation turned to "advice" and warnings. Mainly that I need to make sure DD doesn't get fat. She always does this when I share DD's achievements with her. Either about her getting fat(like me) or her becoming a troublemaker (like me) or sometimes both.So I told her to get over herself, and that with al the issues teens can have these days , DD becoming fat is the least of my worries or the worst thing she can be.

Of course she got all huffy and she's just concerned and only wants the best for DD. There's no reason to be concerned. DD has always been a healthy weight (actually underweight for a while) , is active and sporty(some of her achievements are sports related) and looks perfectly normal/average - which is confirmed by BMI.

Yanbu

Keep telling her not to bring up weight etc. until she stops. She will eventually. Some ppl just love a neg. Yanbu obviously.

Well she’s a horror of a mother. She turned a lovely conversation about your daughter doing well into backhanded criticism of your weight and behaviour!

So what if she huffed, she was in the wrong. Be more blunt next time.

I did . I also told her there's fuck all to worry about. She just says "well you were skinny and look how you ended up." and all kinds of "advice" about diet and stuff.I kinda want to tell that I got fat on her watch ,so why the fuck would I listen to her anyway, but I just end the conversation instead.

Tbh I just wish she could celebrate DD and her achievements without this cloud of what ifs and negativity over it.

Tell her that as all teenagers habitually smoke weed now, that should help to keep the weight off.

That should give her something to mull over.

Does your mum ever do or say anything nice or kind to you? Because if this is her usual style of interaction, I don’t think I’d be inviting her round much.

Let me take a punt

You and your mother generally have a very difficult relationship and it has been like that for many years if not since your childhood?

She just says "well you were skinny and look how you ended up."

You could say that she's kept the weight off, but look at how she she has ended up!

Yanbu x

What a cow, tell her to do one. Also if she thinks you're "fat" and she's holding you responsible for your daughter's weight, what is she saying about her own parenting?

Well me being fat (since I was 11) is due to my own stubbornness, greed and lack of will power. But if DD will gain weight will obviously be my fault because I didn't make sure she didn't.

Tbh she always finds something to nitpick when it comes to my parenting. Allowing sleepovers, what I put on my FB, what time DD gets home from a sleepover, other things I allow her to do, even some of the sports clubs I send her to (that DD chose). Which is quite ironic since she was a pretty crappy mum.

Plus since she raised me and I'm such a failure why the hell would I take her "advice"? That sounds rather counterintuitive to me.

Are you unhappy with you weight?

Some (miserable fuckers) people take all of the joy from things. My brother is the same, and so was my dad. I'd stop telling her anything at all.

Overweight is mainly genetic and triggered by environment. Blame your mum.

wWhat it isn’t is self control or will power. Your DM needs to update her thinking.

Which is quite ironic since she was a pretty crappy mum which is more likely to make you overweight than anything you did.

Tbh I think for previous generations the peer pressure to be thin was much greater than it is now. So I reckon she is probably just unconsciously performing that, I have never had more comments about my weight than when I looked after very elderly women.

Sadly I seem immune to peer pressure and am fat as fuck haha.

It’s not “mainly genetic” 🙄

let me guess, you are overweight

Plus since she raised me and I'm such a failure why the hell would I take her "advice"? That sounds rather counterintuitive to me.

Isn't that what you should be saying to her, OP? You can do it light-heartedly. Next time she starts, just laugh at her and say, 'Mum, you raised me. If I've turned out be such a mess, what good is going to come of me listening to your advice about how to parent DD?' Then just rinse and repeat until she gets the message.

If you are overweight, and was as a child, maybe wishes that she'd offered you more support/help as a teenager?

Sounds dire though
turn it back as some form of words of does she regret how she brought you up, and trying to compensate for that - should put a stop to it.

I'm adopted so can't blame her for that one at least.

Your mother can butt the fuck out. (As can mine). I don't care what shape my kids are, I care that they are happy, and healthy. I care that they have good attitudes towards food and diet. Even with that as my guiding principle, one has an eating disorder. I sadly think that a big ol' reason for that is the hang-ups my mother bequeathed to me about weight, and diet and 'self-control'. It sucks. I think I passed that down, because no matter how I preached the good word to them, they saw me pass judgment on myself.

I limit very much what information I pass on. It used to be that DD and especially her doing well was a safe topic as she's everything I never was and she was just proud/happy like a normal grandma. Since DD entered preteen years this changed.

Is it possible she blames herself for you being overweight so thinks she is trying to do the right thing?

I'm not unhappy. I'm not particularly happy either. I just learned to accept it and like myself regardless of what the scales say. Not the best attitude to have physical health wise, but it did wonders for my mental health.

I wouldn’t want your mother within a 5 mile radius of my children OP