To tell my mother to get over herself?

[AngryGreasedSantaCatcus]

I was telling my mum about DD's school report which was pretty great . She said all the right things to begin with, and then the conversation turned to "advice" and warnings. Mainly that I need to make sure DD doesn't get fat. She always does this when I share DD's achievements with her. Either about her getting fat(like me) or her becoming a troublemaker (like me) or sometimes both.So I told her to get over herself, and that with al the issues teens can have these days , DD becoming fat is the least of my worries or the worst thing she can be.

Of course she got all huffy and she's just concerned and only wants the best for DD. There's no reason to be concerned. DD has always been a healthy weight (actually underweight for a while) , is active and sporty(some of her achievements are sports related) and looks perfectly normal/average - which is confirmed by BMI.

She is being an absolute cowbag, to you and your DD. What horrible things to say about her daughter and granddaughter.

Protect your DD from this woman. A lot of EDs arise from healthy, happy, average-sized young women who don't need to lose weight fucking up their eating trying to get thinner when they didn't need to.

i wish you and your DD well. You sound like you're being a wonderful mum, and your girl is thriving. Don't let your hag of a mother ruin it for you.

I take it you're not a weed smoker....

YANBU

my mum was always very very slim and obsessed with me being fat. She was the same when my daughter arrived, lectured me for an hour one day because she called to visit and I'd given 10m old dd toast in the morning whilst I was getting older kids ready for school. "All those carbs, she'll get fat...."

we're no contact, and I'm fat and peaceful
ow but my dd is a very healthy weight

She lives in another country and there is a language barrier too, so DD is "safe" while still having a grandma.

Haha no I’m not, never have been. I am interested in nutrition and science.
I’m not a judgy cunt either. That may be nature not nurture though, as no science on that.

Educate yourself.

Allowing sleepovers, what I put on my FB, what time DD gets home from a sleepover, other things I allow her to do, even some of the sports clubs I send her to (that DD chose).

this is not “limiting the information” you tell her. Keep it to the bare minimum if anything

how often does you dd actually see her?

It is not judgey to not agree that obesity is “mainly genetic”

do genetics play a part in some people’s obesity? Yes

mainly? No!

I’d love a link where obesity is described as “mainly genetic”

needless to say published in the BMJ or similar journal! Should be easy for you to pull this up

Once a year for a few weeks in the summer hols. Skipped during covid ofc, and again skipping this year for various reasons which she's quite upset about but it is what it is.

Oh god OP, this could've been my mum talking about my DD ten years ago too. No advice but solidarity 🙈

Do you go out with her for the few weeks?

Surely you won’t be happy with this happening going forward knowing your mother’s stance on this issue?

Well me being fat (since I was 11) is due to my own stubbornness, greed and lack of will power. But if DD will gain weight will obviously be my fault because I didn't make sure she didn't.
The causes of obesity are very complex, and certainly not simply because someone is greedy and stubborn. Read the

thread on ultra processed food.

If you read about this, you’ll find that genetic factors underpin all of it. Environmental factors, most often poverty (not exclusively), trigger those genes. You have as much chance of out running your genes on this matter as you do on dictating your hydration and oxygenation levels.

The ‘move more, eat less’ brigade have been very much compromised as they were back funded in the main by The Coca Cola Corp.

If you Google this you will find many papers in peer reviewed publications. Beware that papers back in 2011/2012 often didn’t declare their funding source.

I’m happy with what I know on the matter. Sounds to me that research and education might be more beneficial to you.

Ah so no link 🤷‍♀️

and a quote but no…. Source. Very odd

It actually helps a lot to know I'm not alone but scary to know there's more of them in the wild.

@AngryGreasedSantaCatcus mine passed away a few months ago and whilst obviously it's sad etc, I feel quite liberated now she's not here to judge me anymore.

I've stopped ironing every item of clothing since she died. Seems like such a silly little thing but I felt so much pressure to make sure she wouldn't find extra things to berate me for. Now she's gone, she can't judge me 🙈

I assume you’re thin and take some smugness and self congratulatory benefit from that? I’m not going to disavow you.

For an easy start Chris Van Tulleken is very interesting on this matter. He looks at research, names and (and shames), but also talks to experts on obesity. You can find this on podcasts. You can then read about Kevin Hall, Tim Spector amongst many others. It’s interesting. If one paper alone were to be believed, that would be far too simplistic and not how science works.

I’ll have a good read - thanks. “Mainly genetic”. We shall see!

chris van tulleken

from operation ouch 😂

For some people it’s genetic / environment but for many (including me) it’s simply eating the wrong kind of food and too much of it.

Yep that’s him. He a serious scientist. He happens to have mass appeal and want to help kids, but he’s an academic.

You clearly like belittling people. How very odd.

Anyway, you’re welcome.

Ah a serious scientist

@Coolhwip your honesty means you have a much greater chance of successfully losing weight because you aren’t on the hunt for something to blame

What I don’t like is sweeping statements presented as fact “obesity is mainly genetic”

which is plainly daft

You look her in the eye and say "I will not discuss DD's weight with you. I don't want you discussing it with her either." And repeat. I had to do this to squash persistent comments from a relative and it was hard to get the courage to say it out loud. I was the rude bad person to anyone who heard about it. But it worked.