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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take away contact from dad for being so late

54 replies

inthedarkx · 15/07/2023 15:37

Dad was 2 hours 40 mins late.. his excuse was that he needed to do extra hours to earn money he needed ( coz he's just bought a house and needs to decorate and furnish it) he only has them a couple hours a week on a Saturday ( his choice) no over nights and the one day he can't even turn up on time! Pick up is at 11 as he moved an hour drive away so I allow for that but he came today at 1:40 and this now happens all the time. Kids are left waiting, I cant plan anything on the weekend because of this! He works as a gas engineer and pays £150 a month for 6 kids private arrangement ( I've made two CSA claims and had to cancel both because he threatens me all the time if I don't cancel, says his wife will be happy to take care of them full time and he'll go for full custody if I don't cancel them) because of how hard things are at the moment I asked for a bit of extra help and he called me a gold digger who needs to manage my money! I currently don't work as I care for my mum and he's constantly calling me lazy and a sponger and that his wife ( the woman he left is for) is a hard worker !

So today I made kids dinner and told him to just not bother taking them ( kids had waited for him and were now hungry so I had to do what's best for them and feed them!) so they didn't go

When their child was in hospital he needed to come for kids as and when he could do I was reasonable and I'm not a total difficult person but now him and his wife child is out of hospital and doing better he should be coming on time for these children !

Am I being unreasonable to think I'm not the bad guy here 🥹 so fed up!

OP posts:
mnlk · 15/07/2023 15:45

Keep a record of when he is late or changes plans and put in a claim for CSA. If he threatens you go to the police.

(I'm pretty sure his wife won't want 6 extra children to care for full time no matter what he might say!)

Dillydollydingdong · 15/07/2023 15:47

If he doesn't arrive on time, go ahead and assume he's not coming. Do whatever you would do if nothing had been planned at all. Some kids might still be at home, the older ones might have gone out with their mates.

Issuefroth · 15/07/2023 15:48

Is there anyone you can speak to when you open a CSA claim or citizen advice to report that he has threatened you/ intimidated you into withdrawing previous claims? I would open a new one as he is not supporting you fairly and has been emotionally abusive

WeetabixTowels · 15/07/2023 15:49

Call his bluff and let the foot new wife take care of them. Let’s see how long threat that lasts.

He doesn’t care about kids he cares about money. He’s bad for them. Cut him loose and tell them why.

WeetabixTowels · 15/07/2023 15:49

*fool not foot

WeetabixTowels · 15/07/2023 15:50

Although why are you listening to his threat?! Do you really think a man they barely know and refuses to pay for them will get full custody. Start a CSA claim today and don’t be bullied into cancelling it

ForeverFriendsAndPierrot · 15/07/2023 15:50

Stop cancelling claims....that's entirely your fault

BoohooWoohoo · 15/07/2023 15:52

If he said he was running late and could he pick up 2 hours late then I would accommodate if possible but if he just turned up without explanation then I'd do the same as you.

BoohooWoohoo · 15/07/2023 15:53

Actually just read that he has them for 2 hours only. Yanbu to send him home.

Ponderingwindow · 15/07/2023 15:53

If he is just threatening you about custody, it is an empty threat. Ignore him and out in a proper cms claim. If he is making other threats, report him to the police.

if he is ridiculously late, I might just not be home when he arrives.

ForeverFriendsAndPierrot · 15/07/2023 15:53

Drop them off yourself and he can return them?

BoohooWoohoo · 15/07/2023 15:55

He would never get full custody and if he went for 50/50 then driving an hour each way for the school run wouldn't last long.

IncomingTraffic · 15/07/2023 15:58

He’s not going to take you to court for residency. And he’s certainly not going to get it on the basis that his wife can look after the children.

Why? Because that’s clearly not in the children’s best interests and - so obviously you can see it from space - because he currently chooses to see them for a couple of hours a week and is regularly late. No court is going up decide that he should have full residency when he can’t currently manage to do so much as have them for a weekend.

Make a CMS claim and continue to make the children available to him on a Saturday afternoon. Expect him to be late and manage the children’s expectations around that.

gogomoto · 15/07/2023 16:09

Suggest he has them 50/50 - he obviously won't want that. Go to cms

tara66 · 15/07/2023 16:10

He needs to pay a great deal more money for 6 (SIX??) children.
£150 a month is only £25 each a month.
Does he know they need to wear shoes and eat occasionally etc?
You need to explain the logistics of his very miserly contribution for his poor children asap.
He sounds like something out of Charles Dickens.

steff13 · 15/07/2023 16:12

Continue with the CSA claim. If he wants to file for full custody (he won't) let him. There's no reason to think he'd get it

ForeverFriendsAndPierrot · 15/07/2023 16:15

Why punish the kids by 'taking away' the small amount of contact with him they currently have? Why would you want to do that?

WeetabixTowels · 15/07/2023 16:16

ForeverFriendsAndPierrot · 15/07/2023 16:15

Why punish the kids by 'taking away' the small amount of contact with him they currently have? Why would you want to do that?

Because sometimes a parental relationship does more damage than good.

ForeverFriendsAndPierrot · 15/07/2023 16:18

Is it doing more damage though?

DinnaeFashYersel · 15/07/2023 16:20

Stop cancelling CSA

Even if he did go to court the most he would get is 50/50. Now way would he get full custody. And it's just a threat anyway. He is not going to do that.

Readyplayerthr33 · 15/07/2023 16:21

Why do you cancel the CMS claims? That’s just stupid.
He can go for “full custody” all he wants. That’s not a thing in the UK. Here, it is resident parent and non resident parent with contact arrangements. He won’t in a million years be awarded resident parent, you will maintain that no matter what he does or what he threatens. The court will just arrange his visit times but since he only wants them for a few hours once a week at the moment, they won’t give him too much more.

Really, just grow up a little bit and be sensible. Call CMS and open a new case, and ignore his threats as he will not be able to actually carry those out.

WiddlinDiddlin · 15/07/2023 16:25

Full custody.... AHAHAHAHAH ... I cannot imagine for a second his good lady wife is going to be chuffed about full custody of 6 kids that she is then expected to raise and care for full time.

Absolutely call his bluff on that, continue the CMS claim and ignore his bluster and bullshit.

NeedToChangeName · 15/07/2023 16:26

What do the children want?

electriclight · 15/07/2023 16:26

Put in a cm claim.

Next time he is due to collect them, wait 20 minutes and go out. Ignore calls. Two hour round trip for nothing should sharpen his mind.

When he says he's going for full custody, tell him to go for it. I can't imagine his new dp wanting six extra children full time even if he does (which in itself is unlikely).

I wouldn't prevent him from seeing the children - unfair on them and looks bad if it ends up in court.

TimeSlipMushroom · 15/07/2023 16:27

Complete empty threats from him OP and wouldn't be entertained by a court. Next time he tries that shit just point out that looking after 6 kids full-time will cost him a lot more than the cms amount he needs to pay!