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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take away contact from dad for being so late

54 replies

inthedarkx · 15/07/2023 15:37

Dad was 2 hours 40 mins late.. his excuse was that he needed to do extra hours to earn money he needed ( coz he's just bought a house and needs to decorate and furnish it) he only has them a couple hours a week on a Saturday ( his choice) no over nights and the one day he can't even turn up on time! Pick up is at 11 as he moved an hour drive away so I allow for that but he came today at 1:40 and this now happens all the time. Kids are left waiting, I cant plan anything on the weekend because of this! He works as a gas engineer and pays £150 a month for 6 kids private arrangement ( I've made two CSA claims and had to cancel both because he threatens me all the time if I don't cancel, says his wife will be happy to take care of them full time and he'll go for full custody if I don't cancel them) because of how hard things are at the moment I asked for a bit of extra help and he called me a gold digger who needs to manage my money! I currently don't work as I care for my mum and he's constantly calling me lazy and a sponger and that his wife ( the woman he left is for) is a hard worker !

So today I made kids dinner and told him to just not bother taking them ( kids had waited for him and were now hungry so I had to do what's best for them and feed them!) so they didn't go

When their child was in hospital he needed to come for kids as and when he could do I was reasonable and I'm not a total difficult person but now him and his wife child is out of hospital and doing better he should be coming on time for these children !

Am I being unreasonable to think I'm not the bad guy here 🥹 so fed up!

OP posts:

InstantGratificationDarkPlaygroundOfMN · 15/07/2023 16:34

Maintenance and Access are two different things.

Maintenance - claim via CSA. His wife and him will not want custody.
Access - allow your children to see their deadbeat Dad regardless of what time he arrives or you are punishing them for his shortcomings.

Incognito2023 · 15/07/2023 16:35

Did he let you know that he was going to be late?
Yes, that’s bad of him - but you shouldn’t stop contact. Two wrongs don’t make a right… keep the high ground.

Also, he should be paying more. Agree with PPs - put in a CM claim and don’t fall for his uninformed bluff (full custody 🤣 !! )

TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 15/07/2023 16:38

mnlk · 15/07/2023 15:45

Keep a record of when he is late or changes plans and put in a claim for CSA. If he threatens you go to the police.

(I'm pretty sure his wife won't want 6 extra children to care for full time no matter what he might say!)

Yes, this, I'm sure his wife would be more than happy /s

DemonicCaveMaggot · 15/07/2023 16:40

Please ask him and his wife to provide you the meal and utilities plan that enables you to feed, clothe, provide hot water for bathing and laundry, and electrical for lighting etc. for £25 a month per child, because I am truly interested in how they would do it.

He's not an admirer of Lee 30p Anderson is he?

Fighterofthenightman1 · 15/07/2023 16:40

He's paying you £25 per month for each child, that's absolutely shocking! Please put a proper claim in

Kingsparkle · 15/07/2023 16:41

If his wife was so keen to look after them, he wouldn’t restrict his contact to a couple of hours on a Saturday. Ignore his threats.

McKenzieFriend001 · 15/07/2023 16:42

CMS all the way. Report the threats to the police.

daisychain01 · 15/07/2023 16:46

ForeverFriendsAndPierrot · 15/07/2023 16:15

Why punish the kids by 'taking away' the small amount of contact with him they currently have? Why would you want to do that?

Come off it! What quality of care and attention can he possibly give 6 children in 2 hours. He's an utter waste of space. He doesn't care. He pays £5 a week for each of them. And he's now gone on to procreate even more.

Those children are better off without him.

ForeverFriendsAndPierrot · 15/07/2023 16:49

@daisychain01 who knows? You are guessing. Keeping up contact, no matter how small at the moment, may be key for the future

You cannot rip away the kids rights because you don't personally feel it's not enough

Redburnett · 15/07/2023 16:51

Do what is best for your child/ren. Do not use them to punish your ex.

TizerorFizz · 15/07/2023 16:51

They probably are not better off without him. Don’t use Dc as pawns. Never goes down well. Men withhold money and women withhold children. Both poor responses. Why not see if 2pm is a better time?

Chickenpie35 · 15/07/2023 16:52

Wow what a c u nxt Tuesday he is.

If he wanted custody he'd have tried..... he doesn't, he's not bothered about the kid. Loves the fact he can still control you by way you can't make plans incase he's late and financially abuse/threaten you.

I had the same. Dad turned up whenever he wanted dropped off when he wanted especially on a weekend because God for I'd I should have plans. But he only had the one day and a new partner and was on a weekend away once a month, city breaks, days out so HAD to cancel seeing his child because she wanted to have fun.

On days he could be arsed but was late like hours I didn't answer the door to him it wax too late, same if he dropped off early for example if he picked ds up and I was dressed as if I was doing something more than the weekly shop he'd be back 2 hours early, I'd be out because it was early & get the height of abuse and have to rush home before I got more abuse for actually leaving my house.

If I didn't open the door for ds to go with him because he wad late then the next week I'd get no money for DS it was agreed £20 a week while he worked full time, lives mortgage/rent free and lived with his partner with no other children.

Enough was enough I rang the police, kept all messages no more talking on phone wanted it all there in black and white and then the next time he was late I didn't open the door and so he was banging and banging I'd asked him to leave so I rang the police they came he went but carried on with txts, and on & on called police (none emergency both times) (you can even log it on Facebook or twitter with local police)

Anywayyy he was clearly abusive so other things were put in place but because I didn't want him to talk to me he could see son but wanted it in black and white through court I got a non molestation order against him. I'd heard all how he was going for custody and he'd win cos he wasn't single and had a better job so I asked the judge at non molestation order to advise him how to try because I want be instigating it or starting court proceedings. 4 years and I'm still waiting, he hasn't bothered, my son doesnt care & he now pays £414 a month for 1 child through a detachment of earnings by cms.

Fuck him. You've got this

caringcarer · 15/07/2023 16:55

mnlk · 15/07/2023 15:45

Keep a record of when he is late or changes plans and put in a claim for CSA. If he threatens you go to the police.

(I'm pretty sure his wife won't want 6 extra children to care for full time no matter what he might say!)

This. How many women do you know that want to care for 6 extra kids full time? He is just bullshitting you. Go to CMS and ask for them to work out what your kids are entitled to. If he comes very late I'd let older kids go out with their friends. Why should they sit in waiting for their Dad all afternoon when he is so unreliable?

Silvered · 15/07/2023 17:00

Put the CMS claim in. Tell him if he threatens you it will be reported to the police as harassment. Keep the messages he sends threatening to go to court to change residency if you don't cancel. Tell him if he's unhappy with the payment then he is welcome to take you to court - if it gets there, you show the evidence that he's given you, that he only wants to change residency because you asked for fair child maintenance.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 15/07/2023 17:11

mnlk · 15/07/2023 15:45

Keep a record of when he is late or changes plans and put in a claim for CSA. If he threatens you go to the police.

(I'm pretty sure his wife won't want 6 extra children to care for full time no matter what he might say!)

This. I mean, she clearly won’t even take them overnight so there’s no way she’s going to want them full time.

He’s taking the piss. Stop letting him.

WhatADrabCarpet · 15/07/2023 17:18

ForeverFriendsAndPierrot · 15/07/2023 16:15

Why punish the kids by 'taking away' the small amount of contact with him they currently have? Why would you want to do that?

I agree.

It's not your children's fault so don't use them as weapons.

Leeds2 · 15/07/2023 17:27

How old are your children? I don't think I would stop younger ones from seeing their dad, however much of a deadbeat he was, but for older ones I would tell them dad's eta and let them make their own plans around it. So, dad is arriving at 11, will be around for a couple of hours, make plans to see friend at 1:30. And if his late arrival impacts on them meeting their friends, then they don't go with dad. Only of course as long as they are happy not to see him.
I would also get my CMS claim in on Monday. Let him rant as much as he wants. There is no way he, or his new wife, would want to look after, and pay for, six children full time. I very much doubt that there is any possibility of this being awarded by the court when you have been their full time carer for years, and he sees them for a couple of hours a week.

WeetabixTowels · 15/07/2023 17:39

WhatADrabCarpet · 15/07/2023 17:18

I agree.

It's not your children's fault so don't use them as weapons.

Show quote history

Oh the irony of the MUM being accused of using the kids as a weapon when dad pays £6.25 a week per child for kids he sees 2 hours a week. The fucking irony. Sometimes not having a useless uncaring arsehole disappointing them constantly try is better for them than 2 pathetic hours a week.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 15/07/2023 17:40

Gey a claim in with CMS for goodness sake, of course 'his wife' won't take 6 kids on. If they take you to court for full custody they will lose but given more than he has now so win win!

Mama678 · 15/07/2023 17:40

the other woman taking on an extra 6 kids?! No no way would she be up for that! Hes bluffing. That would be the end of their relationship for sure. £150 a month for 6 kids jesus! Taking the piss. How much does CMS say he should pay??!

WhatADrabCarpet · 15/07/2023 17:44

@WeetabixTowels

I really don't think you understand the impact of division between parents on a child.

Suggest you spend some time studying child psychology.

WeetabixTowels · 15/07/2023 17:46

WhatADrabCarpet · 15/07/2023 17:44

@WeetabixTowels

I really don't think you understand the impact of division between parents on a child.

Suggest you spend some time studying child psychology.

usually the impact of seperating them from 2 hours a week contact is far less than having a useless, abusive father who clearly doesn’t care for them always letting them down.

Balloonhearts · 15/07/2023 17:48

I'd do the same. Contact is 11 to 1.00. If he is late and you aren't there due to having made other plans, tough. If you have nothing planned and it's still convenient for him to come then great but if not, I'd just go about my plans and leave him on the doorstep.

Kingsparkle · 15/07/2023 17:57

I was a kid whose Dad was always late for contact. All it did was teach me my Dad is unreliable and I was not a priority for him. Funnily enough that has been proven to me time and time again and it’s not done my self esteem any good. I don’t buy that any and all contact is beneficial. Children need good consistent contact, not a parent that will squeeze in a visit around other “more important” things.

BoohooWoohoo · 15/07/2023 18:24

If he knew that he was working then he should have contacted OP. It is damaging for the kids to think that dad is coming then be stood up.

Honestly OP, he is not going to want the kids 50% of the time. Nor will his wife, especially as she's the one who will inevitably be doing a lot of work. A 1 hour each way school run is going to be a killer and the cost of that alone will end up being more than the £150 that you get, especially if her kids or yours will have to be in after/before school care because the schools are miles apart.

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