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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you date a married man but technically separated

32 replies

Honeybu · 15/07/2023 00:07

My experience dated a separate man he was separated from wife for more than 8 years eventually I realise he have no intentions to divorce her so I dump him. They are not intended to be together again as ex wife is living with a man for 5 years now. Still confused to why he wouldn’t divorce not just for me for himself to buy a house etc.
for me I wouldn’t date or start a relationship with a separated man you got to be divorced.
what are your experience and would you enter a relationship in this situation?

OP posts:
XenoBitch · 15/07/2023 00:09

I went out with a married (but separated) man. Both him and his ex wanted to divorce, but the courts would not grant one until 2 years had passed. Neither of them could really expect to put their lives on hold for that time.

Mumtothreegirlies · 15/07/2023 00:11

No personally I wouldn’t. I’d rather he was fully over and past his ex and been single for at least 2 years.

Catsmere · 15/07/2023 00:14

No, never. Similar thing happened to a friend years ago - she dated a bloke who claimed he was divorced. He wasn't, was barely separated, and she found out when his wife rang her. End of relationship, fortunately (hopefully end of his marriage, too, bastard).

FridaRose · 15/07/2023 00:14

I did - but I was also separated but married at the time (didn't get round to the divorce).

We both eventually divorced and are now married with a house and a kid.

The main thing for me is how long they've been separated. If it's more than 2 years then to me that's fine, as long as they start divorce proceedings soon.

I was separated for 5 years at the time, he was separated for 3 years.

SmoothSeasDoNotMakeGoodSailors · 15/07/2023 00:56

I did. I was not interested in dating for years after my divorce but I met this guy and just fancied the pants of him. I thought he was divorced as he referred to her as his ex. We went out for friendly coffee and he told me he wasn't actually divorced but they were still living together. I decided to hold my cards close to my chest because I kind of trusted what he was saying and carried on seeing him. He started divorce proceedings pretty soon after. Not because of me but because in meeting me he'd realised he was ready to live life again and the "status quo" they thought they had while living together amicably but apart was actually really toxic. He's in my bed now, long since divorced and I still fancy the pants of him.

eyesfullofstars · 15/07/2023 01:34

I would, and have, dated a separated but not divorced woman. Divorces can take a long time to finalise so I wouldn't judge on that as long as they are genuinely separated and genuinely appear to be over the relationship.

Stompythedinosaur · 15/07/2023 02:07

I've been living with my "still married but separated" dp for 18 years.

I don't want to get married, so other than being a bit careful with wills it doesn't make much difference to me. It's his choice.

Aintnosupermum · 15/07/2023 02:16

I got divorced quickly, in just less than 5 months. I’m 14 months post divorce, 18 months post separation and not at all ready to date. I was married for 14 years and I have 3 children.

At some point I will date. Right now I’m thinking of the type of man I’d like for my next relationship/marriage. I met a great guy but it didn’t work out because I wasn’t ready. He was 2 years post divorce.

I would never date someone separated. They can get divorced first.

alphabetti · 15/07/2023 08:05

I wouldn’t. I would want to be able to be together properly and that includes being able to share finances and you just cannot do that safely if someone is still married. If they had started the divorce process I’d consider dating them but would only get serious once divorced.

SamW98 · 15/07/2023 08:19

Think it would depend on a few factors. When I first slit with my DH, I dated a guy who was also recently separated and it was far too soon for us both and got quite messy and emotionally complicated.

Been single for a while now and I’m wary of men recently separated as it feels like a rebound to me - having been there myself.

I recently went on a date with a man who told me his 30 year marriage had ended 4 months ago and he was ready to move on. Maybe it’s me judging but it felt far too quick and wasn’t a situation I wanted to get involved with.

TomatoSandwiches · 15/07/2023 08:24

No, never.

Bromptotoo · 15/07/2023 08:29

Perspective from a straight male. LTR for 40 yrs but not married.

I'd put a potential date and the legal status of their previous marriages in two compartments. As long as she's properly single - away for emotional involvement with the ex - I'd happily date.

All sorts of reasons why divorce doesn't happen; not least the messiness of UK law etc. I meet a lot of folks professionally who say they want to be divorced but can't afford it.

PrincessIntrovert · 15/07/2023 08:33

Yes but only if the wife knew about me

JustFrustrated · 15/07/2023 08:33

I did. Been together 13 years now.

But he married young, very short marriage and they were well separated when we met. As in, she'd moved to the states and he was here.

It took a while for the divorce to come through because of that, but they both wanted it and were both pushing for it.

Wouldn't do it again.

RebelR · 15/07/2023 08:34

Depending on what I was looking for, I might have a few casual dates with someone long separated, but no way would I be living with a married man or getting into a relationship I hoped would become serious.

TimeToMoveIt · 15/07/2023 08:36

I'd been separated 17 years before I got divorced so it wouldn't bother me as long as they'd been separated for a while

justme2022 · 15/07/2023 08:39

Friend of mine has been living with a man who is still married for 4 years. Their house is in his name only because of her bad credit rating. He doesn't seem to have any intention of ever getting divorced even though they are trying for a baby. I've tried to tell her what a shit show this could end up being but apparently it's all going to work out just fine. 🤷‍♀️

Bellasignora · 15/07/2023 08:43

I dated two guys in this situation. Both swore to me that the marriage was over.

In both cases, once the wife found out he had someone else she wanted to 'give it another go' and I got dumped.

In the first case the wife and kids moved back in and stayed precisely one week, then she moved them out again. He ended up in a MH unit. Months later he contacted me and wanted to try again, but I refused.

In the second case it didn't work out and he started 'sniffing around' again. I told him in no uncertain terms I wasn't interested.

After that I wouldn't date anyone unless they had 'Decree Absolute' pinned on their chest !

Xrays · 15/07/2023 08:52

Depends on the situation. I was still technically married when I met dh, we’d been separated about a year and I had no contact with him at all- he’d relocated. Dh and I instigated the divorce once we knew we wanted to get married ourselves and we’ve now been married 15 years.

Mythicalcreatures · 15/07/2023 08:57

It depends, I have and it was fine and he did get divorced many years later. I wasn't a secret, I met his family and friends and his wife knew. What I wouldn't do is a have a child in that situation or buy a house together.

Bluey124 · 15/07/2023 08:58

I know a woman who did this. He was 6 months separated from a long marriage. All still seems to be good but they don't live together which makes a massive difference and still only really see each just of a weekend.

LobsterCrab · 15/07/2023 09:01

This. I understand that divorce takes time, but if they are properly separated there's no reason he wouldn't tell his stbxw.

LobsterCrab · 15/07/2023 09:02

PrincessIntrovert · 15/07/2023 08:33

Yes but only if the wife knew about me

Sorry, I meant to quite this.

ginghamstarfish · 15/07/2023 09:03

Isn't that just a thing that married men say? I'd tell him to come back when he's divorced, for a start, and then see how it goes. Sadly there are always women who believe these cheating scumbags (I do accept there will be a tiny minority who are not).

Frogmila · 15/07/2023 09:03

If no kids (my stipulation anyway), totally separate lives, practicalities squared away other than divorce itself and hanging on for 2 or 5 years apart if that still applies then fine.

Any uncertain personal lines, shared property, business, still popping round to do DIY or socialise etc then no thanks.

I wouldn't want the complication.