I hate going on holiday

[goodpancake]

We go away next weekend. DH, 3xDC (9,8,4), PIL. So 7 of us.
we’re going for 10 days which is already a bone of contention because when we were booking I said I didn’t want to go for 2 full weeks and DH and PIL think I’m a misery.
I’m dreading it.
I’ve tried explaining to DH a couple of times but I find it hard to put into words without me sounding like an absolute drag so I just keep quiet and suck it up.
I have all the same expectations on me that I have at home: breakfast, lunch, dinner, entertainment, baths, clean clothes, kids arguing, food shopping, constant incessant moaning, and a continuous supply of snacks, drinks, ice cream, books, toys, games….
but I have to accomplish the whole task with limited resources, limited access to shops and no home comforts.

I also hate hate hate wearing a swimming costume which is a whole other issue. But adds to how much I don’t like going on holiday.

I get on very well with PIL, they help with the kids, and generally they are nice people. But they also expect me to take on the entire mental load, where we’re going every day, transport, what we’re having for tea, what time we’re having lunch, make reservations, sort out problems etc if they asked their opinion they just say “oh I don’t mind, whatever you want, we’re easy, we’ll just go along with whatever” 🤯 they also buy my kids endless bits of junk plastic toys which break immediately despite me asking repeatedly not to.

DH has done precisely NOTHING to pack/make lists/buy clothes /prepare for the holiday. I bought new suitcases last week and he was incredulous as to why we might need them, I was like “have you seen how much shit is piled in the spare room” and he was like “oh I thought that was just clean washing, we surely don’t need all that do we”
So I told him it was time to step up, he can’t just leave everything to me, he nodded and took it on board and was very very proud of himself that he used his entire day off today to go get €200! Like WTF it’ll be gone by day 2.

I could rant on but I won’t!
AIBU for hating holidays and just can’t wait for it to be over so I can get some rest before going back to work?!?

So why do you do it ?? Say if you’re going on holiday you want to be relaxing for you too not a bloody servant ! I absolutely wouldn’t be doing all the cooking and cleaning and sorting for everyone no way - not surprised you don’t enjoy it

Don’t do any of it. Don’t pack, don’t make lists, don’t prepare, don’t cook, wash up, food shop…If your DH isn’t prepared to pull his weight, why are you bailing him out by doing everything? Just don’t do it and see what happens.

That is the only way anything will ever change.

Don't do it then. If there are 4 adults then you say you're only cooking one in 4 evenings. And plan a couple of days then make it clear someone else does or nothing will happen.

Decide which 2 days are your complete break and take yourself out with a book.

A holiday should be relaxing for everyone. We went away with PIL and my parents for a week. MIL, mum and DH took turns being lead chef every evening with the other 2 helping. FIL, dad and I cleaned up every night. Split the mental load as well as the physical one.

Stop being a martyr. Don’t plan days out, meals etc when you’re on holiday, there’s another 3 adults who are perfectly capable of entertaining themselves or planning restaurants and food. When they say oh I don’t mind, whatever you want, we’re easy, we’ll just go along with whatever you say “you choose”, smile and walk away, don’t even make a suggestion.

Wouldn’t it be such a shame if you came down with an awful virus just before you had to go and dh had to go on his own with the dc … 😉

Next time tell them all to go without you?

The MN classic I'm afraid....

You don't have a holiday problem
You have a DH problem

Op I know what everyone is say sounds crazy but honestly. Sit down, feet up and say loudly‘who’s arranging dinner tonight?’ All over our holiday I sat down, or declared a siesta or a walk, or said I’d play a board game but only if people cleaned … ec etc. it is your holiday too. Use that line.

I must admit that ‘not doing it’ has worked with many other aspects of our life. I hate being a nag so lots of things I just silently stopped doing and it kinda gets done, probably not to my standard. DH is a good person, dad and husband and isn’t lazy, just doesn’t think much beyond the end of his nose.
I guess I end up doing it all because I want my kids to have a good holiday. If I didn’t take the lead they would stay up too late/get bored and misbehave/ eat shitty food/ not do much/ watch a lot of screens. Which I don’t mind so much on holiday but we all suffer if they are fractious, tired, bored.

@stayathomer i will resolve to try and just leave stuff for other people to do 😄

@Xrays aw it would be a massive shame wouldn’t it?! Imagine how clean and tidy my house would be by the end of it 😊

@BillyNoM8s I mean I would miss them like crazy but I actually asked for some time alone for my birthday, nobody believed me and laughed at my funny joke 🫠 and I got a orchid instead 😆

Just keep stating ' I'm having a break it's my holiday too ' say you don't mind planning a few meals , days out but certainly will not be doing everything!

I was going to say YANBU to hate holidays, in just the same way IANBU to love holidays BUT, I've voted YABU, because YABU to "do" holidays like this.

Stop being the martyr.
Stop agreeing to waste your holidays (time, money) going on holidays you aren't enjoying.
Tell everyone that this is the last time you are going with these arrangement, and then stick to it.
Whether that means lessening you load by not self catering, or by not going with your PiLs (however well you get on with people that is still then 4 adults all compromising rather than just 2), or by involving the dc this year in noting what they actually use / need on holiday and getting them to write it up as a list and then using that list next time, or however it pans out for you, what it definitely means is you need to speak up and be clear what you want and then stick to it.

I love going on holiday but that's because when I go on holiday it's an actual holiday! Sounds like you're just doing your normal life routine but on hard mode, no wonder you hate it.

Maybe you should take yourself on a solo trip some time so you can experience the pleasures of actually having a proper break!

The benefit of everyone being so happy for you to be Holiday Manager is that gives you implied authority - so start delegating!

"Right, PIL, you are in charge of 2 meals a week and all breakfasts. DH, you're on lunch and 2 meals. I'll do the rest of the evening meals. Anyone who hasn't cooked that meal helps with clearing table, cleaning, washing up"

"PIL you need to tidy and clean living area / dining room, DH you're looking at kids rooms / sorting clothes, I'll do kitchen"

Etc etc

Go somewhere all inclusive. No need to worry about food then!

Solution is stay in hotels where you are waited on too.

The kids will have a great time whatever happens. But if thats what is important to you. Then organize excursions that suit them on alternate days. On the evenings you are cooking and do the food shop-also stock up on snacks that you are happy for the kids to have fruit etc.

Send an email round this week:

Parents in law-you are in charge of breakfasts. Kids like cereal, toasts, fruit and whole milk.
DH-You are in charge of lunches.
I will cook every 2/3 evening. We could eat out every 3rd evening. I will make the first reservation on 7th. Please organize between yourselves to book the other two.
Feel free to work it out amongst yourselves who cooks every 3rd evening.
I suggest we each take turns clearing up after the chef and get the kids involved.

And then don't step in. No dinner reservation made? Oh dear. Toast for my supper then. Come along kids. They will learn fast.

I would hate going on holiday with my PIL for 10 whole days. I like them, but a long weekend is as much as I can manage.

I would refuse to go in the circumstances you describe. It sounds like you have a DH problem and skivvying on holiday is even less fun than skivvying at home.

If you want a plan of action, I suggest two things:

1. Disclaim responsibility for meals. At mealtimes, look questioningly at your husband... "I thought you were sorting this holiday, dear". Stock up on a plentiful supply of easy snacks for the kids so they're not actually that hungry at mealtimes and hence aren't moaning at you. You can ignore everyone else.
2. Develop a keen interest in historical landmarks, find some local ones and get out of wherever you're staying early in the morning ostensibly to go and look at them. Get "lost" on the way back, message your DH to feed the kids and stop for breakfast at a good pub/cafe. Arrive back just after midday and promptly ask your DH "What's for lunch?" Rinse and repeat.

All the stuff you're complaining about is easily changed or shared OP.
It's really really easy to say I hate packing for the kids DH. Can you please pack for them this year.
PIL and DH I've not got the energy to organise meals today, can you sort it between you please?
DH - can you please make a plan for an outing today?

Then sit back and let the others share the load.

This! I'd add in a few variations of "right, I've just finished my shift of child-wrangling! I'm going for a much needed lie-down with a book and a set of ear plugs for an hour. Who's next on the rota?" too.
You're too passive. Don't be scared to nag - it's not a bad reflection on you, it's a sign someone hasn't pulled their weight. The shame is on the shirker!

But they also expect me to take on the entire mental load, where we’re going every day, transport, what we’re having for tea, what time we’re having lunch, make reservations, sort out problems etc if they asked their opinion they just say “oh I don’t mind, whatever you want, we’re easy, we’ll just go along with whatever”

^

This is my parents. We live abroad and they come and see us as a 'holiday'. I do exactly what you said in the op - all the fucking mental organisation. It's exhausting. I'm like a tour guide, chef, chauffeur and general dogsbody all in one.

Then they ask at 9pm, how come you're tired?!?!?

@coxesorangepippin yes PIL do that at our real house. We live about 2 hours from them so they usually stay over. We live fairly rurally with lots of walking and touristy destinations nearby and they refer to staying at our house as going on holiday.
it’s exhausting when you’re just living your normal life. Mine are allergic to the dishwasher as well so just pile shit all over the kitchen! They think they’re being polite/not interfering.

they help with the kids though so shouldn’t complain.

I often stay in bed really late when they are here which I normally hate to do but it forces them to at least have boiled the kettle and made themselves breakfast!!

:) I’m willing to try all of the suggestions about delegating stuff to PILs and DH and I’m going to endeavour to just not do all the organisation once we are are there.
But I’ll never be able to let DH do the kids packing, they’d end up with one toothbrush between them, 6 hoodies, no sun cream and 20million pairs of underwear. He would forget absolutely everything that they need!! And then just shrug and say never mind, we’ll buy it when we get there!