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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step children & summer hols

63 replies

Farmersswife · 14/07/2023 19:00

I’ll try & be brief! DH and I have two children 6months & 5. He has a daughter from a previous relationship DSD10, his ex partner also has a child previous to him B13 he used to regularly see his dad but the mum had a fall out with him & no longer lets him go to his dads.

when I met DH I only ever met his daughter things were great everyone got along we had DC, over the last 2 years we have started having B13 on occasions that has now turned into every time we have DSD. So Most weekends.

I find B13 hard work & quite difficult. He’s been quite unkind to DC & has also made up lies when I’ve had them all resulting in me & DH falling out / arguments as the mum has believed him & had a go at DH therefore resulting in me being the bad guy frequently.

it’s got to the stage I do not want B13 on my own. I also run my own business from home & the 6 weeks hols are my busiest time! I absolutely dread B13 coming Friday afternoons I feel pure dread at the weekend I know it sounds bad.

We are expected to have them both 3 days a week & most weekends for the 6 weeks holidays obviously DH needs to work, he’s self employed.

side not DH does the bare minimum with DC & does not pick up any extra slack when we have SC ie more cooking / washing up after them SD is a bed wetter and this all needs changing/ washing ect daily DH does not do anything when we have them. As previously said I’ll also be extremely busy with my business as well as my own DC.

am I being unreasonable to say I won’t have them all solo? Happy to have SD solo but not B13 also?

OP posts:
MarySmit · 14/07/2023 19:05

It sounds like a sad situation for this boy, but I wonder why he is coming to you, when he is of no relationship to either of you, is that right? Does he see your partner as a step parent figure?

whumpthereitis · 14/07/2023 19:07

You are being taken for an absolute fool and doormat. Just stop.

Catcatcatcatcat · 14/07/2023 19:09

DH doesn’t do anything when you have them?

He is taking the absolute piss out of you OP. Why on earth are you tolerating this shit?

It sounds like you’re his slave.

Lacucuracha · 14/07/2023 19:10

I agree with @whumpthereitis

DH needs to take care of his own daughter and arrange paid childcare.

I would also refuse to have the the child there when you’re on your own. If DH wants him there he needs to take care of him.

Lacucuracha · 14/07/2023 19:10

*the other child

ButterCrackers · 14/07/2023 19:13

Tell the mother of your dsd that you won’t be having her brother to stay. She’s getting a great weekend breaks thanks to you. Tell her you will have your dh bio child to stay but not the non biological child. The mother can ask her family to look after her son. Your dsd is his half sister but he is no relation to you. These kids get time together so they don’t need to be at yours together. Tell their mother that if she turns up with her son you won’t be letting him into your house. Her weekend child free holidays are now at an end.

happysoul23 · 14/07/2023 19:14

I feel for you as it must be incredibly hard work. They need holiday clubs or something to keep them entertained, it's not really your responsibility to sort it all.

Twelveisthebestnumber · 14/07/2023 19:16

Step child - absolutely. IMO love them and treat them like your own. B13 - nope. He is neither yours nor your partner's responsibility. His ex partner is royally taking advantage of you. I would nip this in the bud as a matter of urgency. If you are threatened with not seeing DSD rest assured that won't last long when she needs a break from her children!

Weal · 14/07/2023 19:17

Course it’s not unreasonable. They’re his children (I assume he had a father type role for the oldest if he’s having him
too); so it’s his responsibility to manage their cage when they are with you. You helping is one thing, but you taking on the responsibility for all care of them is out of order.

Original poster
Farmersswife · 14/07/2023 19:18

MarySmit · 14/07/2023 19:05

It sounds like a sad situation for this boy, but I wonder why he is coming to you, when he is of no relationship to either of you, is that right? Does he see your partner as a step parent figure?

Because it’s easier, She can just drop them off & pick them up together. No I’d say more an uncle he’s very into his dad but hasn’t seen him in some time.

OP posts:
User63847484848 · 14/07/2023 19:20

I actually think it’s quite nice that the brother is coming too even though he’s not biologically your husbands. But… yes not reasonable to say to your DH it’s too much if he’s not going to be taking at least equal responsibility when they’re there.

Original poster
Farmersswife · 14/07/2023 19:20

Twelveisthebestnumber · 14/07/2023 19:16

Step child - absolutely. IMO love them and treat them like your own. B13 - nope. He is neither yours nor your partner's responsibility. His ex partner is royally taking advantage of you. I would nip this in the bud as a matter of urgency. If you are threatened with not seeing DSD rest assured that won't last long when she needs a break from her children!

This is what has happened it’s both or non. I feel it’s gone on too long now for him to say no. He also never ever argues or says no to her what she wants she gets she dictates when we have them ect.

I'm actually quite surprised I thought more people would think I am being unreasonable. DH thinks I am.

OP posts:
Weal · 14/07/2023 19:20

Farmersswife · 14/07/2023 19:18

Because it’s easier, She can just drop them off & pick them up together. No I’d say more an uncle he’s very into his dad but hasn’t seen him in some time.

Show quote history

If he doesn’t even view your partner as a father type figure why are you having him? Is it that you/DH don’t feel you can say no?

youveturnedupwelldone · 14/07/2023 19:22

Your husband is clearly the problem here. Treating you like an unpaid skivvy looking after his kids because he can't be arsed. Leaving it up to you to be the bad guy when it comes to addressing the teenager's issues. I'd not stand for it.

Of course your DH thinks you're being unreasonable! Heaven forbid he should actually have to look after the kids or manage the situation with his ex 🙄

lechatnoir · 14/07/2023 19:22

Easier for the mum maybe but clearly not for you. Why are you putting up with this shit? Your DH has 4 kids 2 are yours yet does fuck all for any of them. He needs to step up sharpish and if you're trying to work Dc should be in childcare. You are being taking for a fool by DH and his ex!

Wishihadanalgorithm · 14/07/2023 19:23

Nope, not a chance I’d be having this boy in the house. He isn’t related to you in any way and is mean to your DC.

I would be tellingDH to sort this mess out immediately or start considering how he’s going to factor in care for your DC when you leave him.

OP, this is the hill you die on.

Lacucuracha · 14/07/2023 19:24

Farmersswife · 14/07/2023 19:20

This is what has happened it’s both or non. I feel it’s gone on too long now for him to say no. He also never ever argues or says no to her what she wants she gets she dictates when we have them ect.

I'm actually quite surprised I thought more people would think I am being unreasonable. DH thinks I am.

Show quote history

Of course he does, he is using you.

Why do you care what’s easy for ex?

Namik · 14/07/2023 19:28

I do feel for this lad who misses his dad but your DH is not a replacement and it seems he is rude to you as you are no relation and have no parenting authority over him whatsoever!

It would be different if your DH was looking after him and it was just a case of him being in your house but why should you be looking after him?!

You’re not unreasonable at all

Twelveisthebestnumber · 14/07/2023 19:30

Unfortunately your husband is acting like an arse. Never ideal. Whilst obviously I can't guarantee it, I think you would be in fairly safe territory to start laying down some ground rules with immediate effect. You may miss a couple of weekends with DSD whilst her Mum digs her heels in at the loss of her free weekends but she will quickly realise that this won't work in her favour long term. And you SERIOUSLY need to have a proper conversation with your DP.

Everydayimhuffling · 14/07/2023 19:30

If I were you I would be saying that if he agrees then you are not available to do childcare. Totally unreasonable for him to take advantage of you to avoid any small discomfort from saying no himself.

I would also seriously push back about him lack of contribution to the household generally, though. Not just when DSD and her brother are with you, but with his other two children as well.

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/07/2023 19:31

I feel for the 13b

Yes he isn't blood relations to your kids

But your dh was his step dad and assume he treated him as his child

It is a tricky line , do step parents when the relationship break up , still see the Steo kids ?

Either way though your dh needs to be dealing and looking after the two extr children

Iateallthechocolate · 14/07/2023 19:37

Now is a perfect time to fall out with the ex wife. If she stops both kids coming over you will have a much easier summer. Time to ring and tell her what a cheeky fucker she is. And as for your husband, tough, he shouldn't be so useless.

Whammyyammy · 14/07/2023 19:37

whumpthereitis · 14/07/2023 19:07

You are being taken for an absolute fool and doormat. Just stop.

This

HirplesWithHaggis · 14/07/2023 19:43

Iateallthechocolate · 14/07/2023 19:37

Now is a perfect time to fall out with the ex wife. If she stops both kids coming over you will have a much easier summer. Time to ring and tell her what a cheeky fucker she is. And as for your husband, tough, he shouldn't be so useless.

Genius!

Original poster
Farmersswife · 14/07/2023 19:48

Pretty much everyone is right, I am quite surprised DH thinks I am extremely unreasonable. He wants a quiet life with ex as she can be difficult so he never ever says anything to her! I have put boundaries in place especially after we moved in together. He just doesn’t see parenting / house work as his responsibilities I pick up all the extra when they are here. The issue mainly is he is difficult even DH finds him difficult but will not do / say anything in fear of upsetting his ex. I am going to have to say no to him happy for him to be here in DH care & he is to pick up the extra work they bring with them but I won’t be doing it solo this year.

thank you I always feel more empowered when other people think I’m not being unreasonable. I also feel sorry for the lad he’s sort of pushed from pillar to post & I’ve tried really hard with him in the past but it’s never worked. I now feel it’s not my responsibility to be looking after him

OP posts:
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