Step children & summer hols

[Farmersswife]

I’ll try & be brief! DH and I have two children 6months & 5. He has a daughter from a previous relationship DSD10, his ex partner also has a child previous to him B13 he used to regularly see his dad but the mum had a fall out with him & no longer lets him go to his dads.

when I met DH I only ever met his daughter things were great everyone got along we had DC, over the last 2 years we have started having B13 on occasions that has now turned into every time we have DSD. So Most weekends.

I find B13 hard work & quite difficult. He’s been quite unkind to DC & has also made up lies when I’ve had them all resulting in me & DH falling out / arguments as the mum has believed him & had a go at DH therefore resulting in me being the bad guy frequently.

it’s got to the stage I do not want B13 on my own. I also run my own business from home & the 6 weeks hols are my busiest time! I absolutely dread B13 coming Friday afternoons I feel pure dread at the weekend I know it sounds bad.

We are expected to have them both 3 days a week & most weekends for the 6 weeks holidays obviously DH needs to work, he’s self employed.

side not DH does the bare minimum with DC & does not pick up any extra slack when we have SC ie more cooking / washing up after them SD is a bed wetter and this all needs changing/ washing ect daily DH does not do anything when we have them. As previously said I’ll also be extremely busy with my business as well as my own DC.

am I being unreasonable to say I won’t have them all solo? Happy to have SD solo but not B13 also?

Well done you. It's always hard upsetting the apple cart but sometimes it is necessary. Be strong, don't back down and come back to read these posts if necessary for a bit of moral strength. The sooner it's done the better.

Your DH is the problem. He treats you like a slave for his kid and her half brother. I'd go out with my kids on the Friday afternoon. Let him deal with them.

Your DH would rather piss you off than his ex...you need to find your anger at his lack of any kind of support for his own DC.

If that doesn't work, as soon as they appear one weekend I'd pick up my bag and leave for a weekend at your parents or friends so your DH can experience a weekend caring for all 4 DC.

When you return let him know that'll be his EOW future, if he doesn't buck up his ideas.

Another useless man creating kids left right and centre that he can't be arsed to raise,

What does he bring to your relationship OP? He sounds sexist, dull, lazy and selfish

I honestly can't believe you could even think you are being unreasonable OP!! Your 'H' is the one being unreasonable, and as for his CF of an ex wife, well, I'm lost for words! I agree with the poster who suggested that you go off on a Friday for a nice weekend away without ANY of the kids and leave your lazy arsed 'H' to take care of all 4 of them. Oh, and be sure you put your phone on silent, so he can't be pestering you to come back, or better still, leave your phone at home, so he knows he can't bully or pester you into coming back. Please STOP letting these people walk over you, I'm surprised to be honest that their marriage didn't work, as they're as bad as each other. Grrr! Treating you like this makes my blood boil.

Of course he thinks you’re unreasonable - he’s got a vested interest in maintaining his easy life!

He’s taking the piss OP, truly. You aren’t responsible for picking up after him or compensating for his failures, and you never were. It’s way beyond time to stand up for yourself, and this is a hill you shouldn’t hesitate to die on.

Fuck me your DH is a prick.

I couldn’t leave for the weekend unfortunately! I’d be too worried about DC and my business runs from home. I would definitely consider it otherwise!

I really need to broach it with him but am dreading it as otherwise he will be thinking that it’s all sorted. Presumably when his ex rang today he just said yes that’s fine!

Basically yes.

Tell him now that you won’t be looking after his ex wife’s son. Your dh isn’t the father of this child. Say that if your dh has just said ok to his ex that he needs to call her now and say no to having this child in your home. The mother (your dh ex) can look her after her son. You go before the ex wife so your saying no goes before the cf ex dumping her kid on you.

This. Some people's standards are so depressingly, upsettingly low. You deserve better OP but no one's just going to hand it to you. Wouldn't your life be easier without him in it?

So "D"H is scared of upsetting his ex, but didn't give a shit about dumping all this extra work and stress on you, to the point you are literally dreading every weekend?

Shows you where you are in his priorities I guess.

I would rather leave and be a single parent than deal with 2 additional kids and be used and disrespected.

Could you at least take your own two DC away for the weekend, go and stay with a relative or something like that?

But why do you accept this? Don’t you think you deserve more than being someone’s servant?

You need to make him realise that pissing you off is what he needs to worry about. His relationship with his ex is dead and buried but he could still royally fuck up with you.
My DH strayed into CF territory years ago in a pretty minor way compared with this shit show. I used my words rather forcefully and made him see how awkward I could make his life if he kept treating me like that. A shock to his system, no doubt, but he's never done it again.
As PP said, worst that could happen if you put your foot down is ex throws a strop and you don't see DSD for a few weeks. Yay for you, you need the break.

Please stand up for yourself.

Please show your kids that women are not to be walked over.

I agree with pp - I'd rather be a single parent than a doormat. Life would be easier and resentment significantly lower.

DH finds him difficult but will not do / say anything in fear of upsetting his ex

So many threads where ‘d’ h/p always prioritises other women over their wives & partners

It sounds like there's a possibility he is scared to say no to the ex seen as she has stopped contact for the boy with his dad, so maybe there is a fear for your DH that she will do the same to him with his daughter?
That doesn't excuse his laziness with the kids though, if he is saying yes then he really needs to pull his weight..
Has the exs son had much of a relationship with your DH since he left the ex?

I do feel bottom of the list in his priorities his ex had an affair he was quite happy & was quite blindsided by it.

our marriage has been rocking since LO so I am wary of rocking the Apple cart.

The bigger issue here is your lazy arse husband, not your stepdaughter’s half brother.

Even going back to those ages… 13 and 10.
So they didn’t wait too long before having a child together then. If people would just WAIT there’d be less kids thrown into messes like this.

Partly yes, our marriage has been rocking since the baby. DH feels neglected & I feel he isn’t pulling his weight. Currently stuck between a rock & a hard place. I do feel though that should he wish to accommodate his exs child he should be the one doing so not me.

Tell him you'll leave, he can then have all 4 kids half the week by himself and you can have free time to concentrate on your business and then see just your own kids the rest of the week.

“DH feels neglected”

Would that be he misses quality time chatting… or he’s just grouching he’s not getting enough sex? 🙄

Unfortunately yes to both! We lead very busy lives & I think he is getting bored of the nitty gritty & wants us to be fun and spontaneous like when we first met! He thinks this should still be there all the sparks & fireworks. I love him dearly albeit in a different way now we have DC & our lives have changed dramatically I think that’s perfectly normal DH does not.