No to the Snip

[SwedeCarrotLimes]

DH and I have 3 DC and are satisfied we don't want anymore. I asked DH if he would consider getting the snip and he point blank refuses to entertain the idea.

Prior to having DC we always used condoms due to my own health issues preventing pill/coil being an option.

When I ask why he won't consider it DH expresses a fears of anyone operating down there. I have explained it's a pretty standard procedure, any pain pales in comparison to childbirth and many of his friends have had it done without issues. However, he continues to show no sign of budging on his position.

DH had to be circumcised when he was 5 and I wonder if this contributes to his fears (he often quips he doesn't want to be mutilated further)?

We'd both prefer not to use condoms but don't want to fall pregnant again. I can't use contraception for health reasons so that limits our options to DH.

Any helpful advice on how I address this with DH or are we doomed to using condoms for eternity?

What about you getting sterilised ?
I always think a man who won’t get the snip is keeping his options open.

Any reason you can't do it?

My partner and I had a similar discussion. His immediate reaction was “that sounds too invasive” (he soon changed his tune on that after watching me have a c-section with a failed spinal block no less!)

I would say that if he doesn’t want to get one then he shouldn’t be pressured or forced to as it is his body. However, you are also free to not use contraception on your side or abstain if he won’t use condoms. It goes both ways so he’ll either have to like it or lump it with condoms or go for the snip! I hope he’s not moaning about using condoms and trying to get you onto another form of contraception?

With my partner, he got his head around it after a while (although he was refused a referral as the GP said - with me in the room so I know this is true - that the waiting list is closed here as it’s too long.. so I ended up with a coil anyway!)

It's his body and his choice - if he got circumcised as an older child rather than a baby he probably still remembers the pain/recovery period (DH does).

Or is just a man who doesn't want an op he sees as unnecessary because he is happy with the alternative (in this case condoms).

His body his choice.

It comes down to this in a lot of families. I always think the answer is for you to insist on condoms and let him choose.

DH hasn’t been moaning. We’ve both made passing comments on a few occasions about how we preferred how it was when we were TTC. Then I would bring up the snip and the conversation would end with a polite but abrupt nope.

I'm conscious about not being pushy or putting pressure on him so for the large part it stays in my head but it’s something I think about weekly.

My dh has had the snip. It took him a year to come round to the idea. He was nervous and squeamish about being operated on down there. I just kept plugging away at him, saying how much money we'd save not buying condoms, how we could be more spontaneous, etc. I think the clincher was when I spelled out to him all the procedures I'd endured to have our children and in comparison he'd got off very lightly!

Obviously he gets the final say, but at least try to get him to have an educated view by getting him to research it and see that maybe it's not as bad as he thinks.

Sterilisation for women is a lot more invasive than for men, of course, but I had it done and am glad I did. Would you consider that? (Would he at least consider the snip if he realised how much more invasive it is for you?)

We’re in the same boat. It doesn’t seem very rational in my DH’s case but his body I guess. I have had awful side effects from all hormonal contraception. Wish there were better alternatives than condoms/sterilisation

You could make enquiries about sterilisation for yourself but it is more invasive and my surgery expect women promote the coil or other long acting contraceptive.

Obviously it would be better if he decided for himself that this might be a viable option. If my DH suggested I had surgery I would also be wary although of course you’ve done the childbearing so I see your logic.

Does he have any male friends he could talk to about it to at least explore the idea? Men are pretty terrible about sharing this sort of stuff so it might help if you lead him a bit.

Ultimately it’s up to him but I see why you are frustrated.

Condoms aren't 100% reliable as contraception, so just tell him that he needs to wear a condom AND withdraw EVERY time you have sex now going forward.

As you rightly point out, you have carried three children, given birth 3 times and had to cope with all the body changes, pain and sickness that comes with that.

Whilst it's his body and his decision, you don't want to end up having an unplanned pregnancy to deal with and it's his responsibility now to ensure that doesn't happen if you are unable to use contraception.

Agree with this completly.

My husband, father, four brothers and three brother in laws have all had the snip too. I know it is his choice, but weird he does not want it and is willing to use condoms, unless he wants another child?

Before anyone comments, I am one of 8 children, so above is correct.

He’s perfectly entitled to not want to get a vasectomy.

You are perfectly entitled to not want to have sex with him unless he does.

To all the people suggesting she gets sterilised instead - that’s fairly ridiculous. For one, female sterilisation is significantly less effective. Secondly, it’s significantly more invasive.

My partner and I are both sterilised. He was more keen to not have more children than I was, to be honest. I was having a c section so it made sense for me to get done then. He then scheduled an appointment for his own vasectomy (there were concerns that I got sterilised despite maybe wanting more kids, him not getting sterilised, then us splitting up and him going on to have kids with another partner whilst I was unable to)

I personally find men who choose not to take responsibility for contraception to be a turn off. I also dislike condoms. So your husband would have his hands to play with if he was my husband.

There are non hormonal coils that could be an option for those who can't tolerate the hormones in the pill/implant/mirena coil, etc

My dh did get a vasectomy after I had used the mini pill and the mirena coil for years

Just be clear that it's condoms everytime then, he will either change his mind and decide for himself he's happy to have one or he won't and you'll both have to deal with condoms if you also don't want an invasive procedure. It's not unreasonable to feel like you've done your part but it still doesn't give anyone autonomy over someone else's body.

Or keep options open, plenty of men go on to have more children.

It's his body so he gets to choose and I don't think you should pressurise.

Nothing wrong with sticking with condoms if other options aren't suitable.

I was a bit confused by you saying your dh prefers not to use condoms, surely if he doesn't want to snip then he is preferring to use condoms, unless he is expecting to have sex without contraception?

I don't think he is being unreasonable as it is his choice. He should suck it up when you consider all that your body has been through to have your family. You can't force him though.

I would let it go and just use condoms. It seems a bit obsessive on your part to be thinking about this issue every week. Sex with condoms isn't that different. I prefer sex without them too but I know my DH would never get the snip and I don't want to take any pills or have a coil inserted.

Maybe he'll come around to the idea...you never know!

He is expecting op to deal with contraception her end I presume.

My 1st was conceived when we were using condoms...I'd look into further options to protect you from pregnancy. Eg monitoring your cycle using a reputable app and not having sex on fertile days as well as always using condoms when you do have sex. Or other barrier/spermicide options alongside condoms.

It's up to him though isn't it, if you think you can tell him to get the snip why can't he tell you to be sterilised or have a non hormonal coil inserted? Works both ways you see. We have 3 children and my husband has mentioned getting the snip but given our youngest is 2 now and he hasn't so much as enquired it's pretty obvious he isn't going to do it. His choice though, I don't have a say as it's his body. We have used condoms for 9 years now, I was fed up of taking hormonal contraception as it killed off my sex drive. Our eldest is 7 and I've always fallen pregnant first time with each pregnancy, I'm happy to carry on using condoms, they appear to work if used properly (though yes nothing is 100% effective (the snip included), apart from not having sex of course!). I think my husband's logic is I'm nearly 40 so I haven't got many more fertile years in me anyway.

It's his body so it's his decision. I wouldn't put up with my husband insisting on me having any kind of procedure just so he didn't have to use condoms.