No to the Snip

[SwedeCarrotLimes]

DH and I have 3 DC and are satisfied we don't want anymore. I asked DH if he would consider getting the snip and he point blank refuses to entertain the idea.

Prior to having DC we always used condoms due to my own health issues preventing pill/coil being an option.

When I ask why he won't consider it DH expresses a fears of anyone operating down there. I have explained it's a pretty standard procedure, any pain pales in comparison to childbirth and many of his friends have had it done without issues. However, he continues to show no sign of budging on his position.

DH had to be circumcised when he was 5 and I wonder if this contributes to his fears (he often quips he doesn't want to be mutilated further)?

We'd both prefer not to use condoms but don't want to fall pregnant again. I can't use contraception for health reasons so that limits our options to DH.

Any helpful advice on how I address this with DH or are we doomed to using condoms for eternity?

DH didn't want to have a vasectomy, we used condoms for years and now I am old/menopausal enough not to need contraception. We kept up our sex life, over 30 years married, so to me it is not worth making an issue about if he is content to use condoms.

I don't understand the thought that a man owes his partner a vasectomy because she's gone through childbirth.
Biologically she's the only one that can do that.
A vasectomy is a choice, and not one that can or should be made by anyone other than the recipient.
Obviously if he's refusing to use condoms and therefore take any responsibility for contraception, then it's probably worth thinking about whether you're with a decent person, but his willingness to have a surgery (which can have side effects), is a bit different

If he is ok to use condoms (even if not his preference) then unfortunately it is your issue to deal with.

Some PPs are apparently clueless that female sterilisation is a lot more invasive and higher risk than vasectomy, that's an option but not one to throw out as if it's equivalent. There are many types of pill, and few health conditions that don't allow the use of any. There are also some less common options like the female condom that some people get on with.

Or, if he actually wants to stop using condoms as strongly as you do, but is hoping you'll give in first, that's crap behaviour, and yes then he should be taking one for the team after you've gone through 3+ pregnancies.

DH hasn’t been moaning. We’ve both made passing comments on a few occasions about how we preferred how it was when we were TTC. Then I would bring up the snip and the conversation would end with a polite but abrupt nope.

Hmm so it sounds like, while he doesn't love them, he's actually fine just continuing to use condoms?
If he was pushing for you to be on contraception that would be different, but if he's choosing condoms over a vasectomy then I'd probably respect that choice.

As an aside, DH tried to get a vasectomy a couple of months ago and the NHS no longer offers it in our area, so it might not even be a decision you can make.

The nhs suggest that 15 in 100 couples who solely rely on condoms results in a pregnancy across the year. The risk remains with condom use and that risk remains with the op.

I guess OP could abstain then, that's usually the advice on here!

I know.

I honestly don’t know why women were ever considered the weaker sex.

It baffles me seeing as how men get so up in the arms about the risks associated with a 10 minute procedure compared to what risks they are happy for women to take every day with contraception, pregnancy and labour.

It’s a good job women aren’t as cowardly as men otherwise the human race would soon be wiped out.

If he's adamant he doesn't want any more children, I might suggest I'm feeling broody again to see if that incentivise a rethink on a vasectomy - but then I don't meet the bar of angelic behaviour demanded of women on MN.

Hi Stompy think what I was trying to convey was he does prefer without condoms (we both do) but at present his desire for that isn’t strong enough to overcome his anxiety and fears over getting the snip. So condoms are our best option as opposed to a preference.

I never understand the oh no nothing near my bits thing.

Dh was in and out with a cup of tea in 15 minutes, then we went shopping. He went to work the next day all fine and dandy.

I even watched them do it.

The principle of bodily autonomy is a really important one.

It would be just plain wrong for one spouse to demand, pressurise, nag, insinuate, demean or by any method seek to push the other into surgery they do not want.

Fair discussion is one thing. But its his body and his choice

And that matters, even when it means you don't get what you wanr

He doesn't want too and that's his choice. Get sterilised, use condoms, or don't shag.

What about the long term side effects of birth control, pregnancy, labour, breastfeeding for women? Or are these not important, just in case men have some minor complication after