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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No to the Snip

63 replies

SwedeCarrotLimes · 14/07/2023 12:03

DH and I have 3 DC and are satisfied we don't want anymore. I asked DH if he would consider getting the snip and he point blank refuses to entertain the idea.

Prior to having DC we always used condoms due to my own health issues preventing pill/coil being an option.

When I ask why he won't consider it DH expresses a fears of anyone operating down there. I have explained it's a pretty standard procedure, any pain pales in comparison to childbirth and many of his friends have had it done without issues. However, he continues to show no sign of budging on his position.

DH had to be circumcised when he was 5 and I wonder if this contributes to his fears (he often quips he doesn't want to be mutilated further)?

We'd both prefer not to use condoms but don't want to fall pregnant again. I can't use contraception for health reasons so that limits our options to DH.

Any helpful advice on how I address this with DH or are we doomed to using condoms for eternity?

OP posts:
Muu · 14/07/2023 13:07

then it’s condoms, or you can ask to be referred for sterilisation (which may take years due to waiting lists).

Sometimes there just isn’t a perfect contraceptive option.

sashh · 14/07/2023 13:11

Does he actually know what the procedure is? It's not really an operation, it can be done without a scalpel and a puncture that seals itself within 24 hours.

ManateeFair · 14/07/2023 13:11

It's his body and nobody should have to have any medical procedure they don't feel comfortable with.

If you don't want to be sterilised either (again, you shouldn't have to do this if you don't want to) and hormonal contraception isn't an option, then you are both making a choice to use a barrier method like condoms and you both need to accept that.

Doesn't actually have to be condoms though. You could get fitted for a diaphragm if you'd prefer that to DH wearing a condom.

booksandbrooks · 14/07/2023 13:15

Honestly, I can't blame him for not fancying the prospect.

You've asked. He said no. So back to condoms it is.

You're perfectly reasonable to suggest it but if he doesn't want one you have to respect his decision about his body. He may change his mind in time, but he well may not. His bodily autonomy is as valid as yours.

MiddleParking · 14/07/2023 13:15

I would have really, really struggled with it if my husband had been less than entirely willing to get a vasectomy having watched me go through what I did to have our children (which was nothing massively unusual, but a lot more unpleasantness, pain and limitation than is involved in a vasectomy). I can see why you’re thinking about it weekly - it’s probably less about being madly keen on unprotected sex than it is about what his unwillingness to get one signifies about how much less he’s willing to do for you/the family you have together than you are.

ArcticBells · 14/07/2023 13:17

How old are you and your children OP?

You may be very happily married now but you never know what's around the corner. I know a couple who were in a similar situation, the husband had the snip, they have since divorced and he is now desperately trying to get a reversal.

MyTruthIsOut · 14/07/2023 13:17

My DH had a vasectomy after our second child and it was such a simple procedure. He said it took about 10 minutes and then he went and met his mates at the pub next door for a few drinks.

But ultimately, your DH gets the final say over his body.

And you have the final say over yours.

I agree with a previous poster that you make it clear it’s condoms every time and he withdraws before ejaculation. Hopefully the two methods combined will prevent any accidental pregnancies.

ArcticBells · 14/07/2023 13:19

...... Sorry I'm not meaning to imply anything about your marriage, just saying what happened to someone else

DontYouThreatenMeWithADeadFish · 14/07/2023 13:19

DustyLee123 · 14/07/2023 12:04

What about you getting sterilised ?
I always think a man who won’t get the snip is keeping his options open.

Or maybe he wants to avoid the not small risk of complications that can occur after having a vasectomy, be it long term testicular pain, haematomas, infection and even impotence. Some people on here seem to think it is a non invasive procedure with zero pain or risk.

toomanyleggings · 14/07/2023 13:19

Dh won’t have it done either. He’s 48. We just use condoms now as I don’t get on with any of the pills and don’t want a coil.

Emptyandsad · 14/07/2023 13:20

His body, his choice, of course. However, as a guy who has had the snip, I have to say that it was completely painless for me (not even uncomfortable), has made no difference to the consistency or volume of my semen (sorry if tmi), nor to my sex drive and, as an added bonus, I discovered the pleasure of having hairless testicles....

And the joy of being able to have spontaneous sex and not having to use condoms which i have always found ridiculous, unsexy and desensitising

Invisibleeye · 14/07/2023 13:20

Glad to hear it! I hear of so many men being like “no snip for me but you must take hormonal contraception so I don’t have to use condoms” 🙄

If he shuts down the conversation it sounds like it’s a total no from him so I would just drop it. He may just needed time to get his head around everything and not feel pressured into making a quick decision (not that you intend to pressure him of course but I found my partner found the idea so uncomfortable at first that he FELT pressured if the topic just came up!)

Best of luck with it all whatever you guys decide 😊

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 14/07/2023 13:21

His body to make his own choice. However its also your body and your own choice whether you want to risk a pregnancy.

Me and my DP are done having anymore kids and he took about 6 months to put himself on the waiting list for the snip. I told him after me having 2 kids, 1 c section, it was his turn to do his part for our family. If he didn't want it then that was his choice, however i felt he was being selfish and it made me want to have sex with him less so risk of pregnancy was getting less and less as time went on 😅

outdooryone · 14/07/2023 13:23

It is his decision as it is his body.
There can be issues - mine was somewhat uncomfortable to say the least and nearly had to go back for a second round. So I understand there can be concerns.
Chat it through with him about what his concerns and reasons are - and perhaps leave enough time for him to consider? I know I had to just settle into doing it (it only took a few weeks of time and few chats with friends). The he worry of an unexpected extra child was enough to then send me scurrying into the surgery.

SunRainStorm · 14/07/2023 13:53

OneTC · 14/07/2023 12:05

Any reason you can't do it?

She's given birth three times and her body has been through enough, is that a reason?

I can't stand selfish men who would prefer to put their partner's body through YET ANOTHER invasive and painful procedure rather than try to share a small part of that load.

PuttingDownRoots · 14/07/2023 14:00

youcan't force him obviously.

But you do need to have the conversation over what you will do if you do fall pregnant accidentally.

FourTeaFallOut · 14/07/2023 14:09

I can't be doing with these men. So now, after having three children, you are reduced to one of the least reliable forms of contraception or you need to go through an operation with a higher level of risk than a vasectomy. And if you were to fall pregnant - you body is carrying the consequences for that.

But he has some feelings about having an op 'down there' 🙄

MyTruthIsOut · 14/07/2023 14:11

FourTeaFallOut · 14/07/2023 14:09

I can't be doing with these men. So now, after having three children, you are reduced to one of the least reliable forms of contraception or you need to go through an operation with a higher level of risk than a vasectomy. And if you were to fall pregnant - you body is carrying the consequences for that.

But he has some feelings about having an op 'down there' 🙄

It’s almost beyond belief how selfish some men are.

SummaLuvin · 14/07/2023 14:25

Condoms aren’t 100% effective, but nor is the snip. I know two people who have had an “oops baby” as their vasectomies didn’t take.

So the “tell your DH he will have to pull out in addition to condoms if he won’t have the op” comments are fairly redundant if those same people wouldn’t also insist on a secondary method of protection even after the snip.

Shade17 · 14/07/2023 14:29

The risks of long term side effects are high enough that I will never have it done. Ever. I’d rather use condoms.

NeedToBookAGetaway · 14/07/2023 14:32

Well dh had similar reservations.
Its done awake. Didn't feel anything. Bit of aching after for few days.

He cant stand condoms,
For me any form of pill makes my hormones so bad im unbearable to live with.
Had coil issues prior.

It was the case of he gets it done or we don't have sex. Wasn't risking pregnancy. He then agreed and has no regrets

FourTeaFallOut · 14/07/2023 14:32

It's a good job most women aren't so cowardly risk adverse. Every contraception, every pregnancy and every abortion carries a significant risk.

Proudofitbabe · 14/07/2023 14:34

Mine wouldn't want to and I don't want him to so we don't have the issue - but I don't think any bloke should be forced into it, any more than a woman should. Any surgery comes with risks of complication, he has to be up for it too.

CatStankShame · 14/07/2023 14:35

Shade17 · 14/07/2023 14:29

The risks of long term side effects are high enough that I will never have it done. Ever. I’d rather use condoms.

What's the %?

namechange998 · 14/07/2023 14:36

We had an accidental pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage that I really really struggled with. He had been really anti vasectomy previous to that but once he saw what I went through booked an appointment. It took 20 minutes. He had a little aching but that was all. He now has the benefit of having to have lots of sex to get to the 40 ejaculations!