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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take DS4 to a funeral?

59 replies

mumtorn · 14/07/2023 09:00

My elderly aunt has died and her funeral is next week. It is important to me that I go.

I cannot get childcare for DS, is it inappropriate to take him?

He has had quite a few questions surrounding death recently and is quite worried about the fact everyone dies one day.

Should I sit this one out?

OP posts:
sillysmiles · 14/07/2023 09:01

IMO death is a part of life and not something that for children should be mythical or never talked about.
Can you talk to him about how you aunt had a great life and is very old and died and this is normal?

hopeishere · 14/07/2023 09:01

I'd take him. But I'm from Ireland where everyone goes to funerals. Just be prepared to take him out if he's restless. And prepare him for people maybe being very upset.

Redwatermelon · 14/07/2023 09:02

My 4 years old would not be able to sit still and quiet for 1 hour funeral so I would pass for this reason.

canpinkydance · 14/07/2023 09:03

Can he sit quietly and not get up or make noise for an hour?

ScarlettSunset · 14/07/2023 09:03

I've always taken my child to funerals. They are part of life and I find it strange that children are often excluded from them.

MRex · 14/07/2023 09:04

Ask your great aunt's closest family, some people dislike children going to funerals. It's ok for your son to have questions, and to keep having questions, death is part of life and something we all need to learn to accept at some point.

Original poster
mumtorn · 14/07/2023 09:05

canpinkydance · 14/07/2023 09:03

Can he sit quietly and not get up or make noise for an hour?

On a good day, yes.

I was thinking of taking a device and headphones (not my usual style) just for the service. To keep him entertained. Not sure if that's disrespectful.

I've not been to a funeral since I was nine years old, so a bit clueless.

OP posts:
canpinkydance · 14/07/2023 09:06

No, you can't take a device and headphones for a funeral.

Original poster
mumtorn · 14/07/2023 09:06

canpinkydance · 14/07/2023 09:06

No, you can't take a device and headphones for a funeral.

I thought as much

OP posts:
FortofPud · 14/07/2023 09:07

I'd take him as I don't really get the no children at funerals mentality. That said, those that go must be extremely well behaved as its a place where noisy distractions really arent on. I'd explain to him thoroughly beforehand, have something quiet to play with for him, and sit by the door in case it doesn't look like it's going to work.

Wolfiefan · 14/07/2023 09:07

I wouldn’t be taking a child who needed a device to sit still through a funeral. I do think that’s disrespectful.

Original poster
mumtorn · 14/07/2023 09:08

Wolfiefan · 14/07/2023 09:07

I wouldn’t be taking a child who needed a device to sit still through a funeral. I do think that’s disrespectful.

I think he would most likely sit nicely for the duration but he can have silly days. Not sure I want to risk it.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 14/07/2023 09:11

I wouldn’t take him if there is a chance he could be silly.

gogomoto · 14/07/2023 09:12

It's fine as long as the person organising the funeral is fine with it. I host funerals (church) and we keep a stock of colouring pencils and paper at the back plus quiet toys for kids to use

Dulra · 14/07/2023 09:14

Wolfiefan · 14/07/2023 09:07

I wouldn’t be taking a child who needed a device to sit still through a funeral. I do think that’s disrespectful.

I don't agree I think if taking the child is the only way op can go, take the child. Funerals are an important ritual for the bereaved. A chance to meet with people and talk about and celebrate the person's life, catch up with family etc. I am also Irish and was taken to all the funerals as a child and also take my kids now, it completely breaks the taboo of death and also opens up conversations especially if they see other adults upset. I also think kids are a great way of providing a bit of light relief. If older people are going to be there they often love seeing younger children at it, it's a sign of hope and new life. I don't think we should separate the generations continually we are all part of life and death.

In saying all that I know funerals are viewed differently in the UK so you are best placed to know if it will be appropriate at your aunts funeral to have a young child there.

cocksstrideintheevening · 14/07/2023 09:15

I think children should be included in funerals, death is part of life and shouldn't be stigmatised / shrouded in secrecy. As PPs though I am also Irish.

Beachywave · 14/07/2023 09:17

I'd think the device/headphones to be disrespectful yes.

I probably wouldn't take him. Can you get paid childcare for a few hours?

Blossomtoes · 14/07/2023 09:18

canpinkydance · 14/07/2023 09:06

No, you can't take a device and headphones for a funeral.

Of course you can if it makes the difference between him being quiet and not. Nobody would criticise you for it, I certainly wouldn’t and I’m from the generation most likely to judge. I’ve seen a four year old at a funeral with books and crayons and the only comments were about how well behaved she was.

Original poster
mumtorn · 14/07/2023 09:19

Beachywave · 14/07/2023 09:17

I'd think the device/headphones to be disrespectful yes.

I probably wouldn't take him. Can you get paid childcare for a few hours?

He does actually attend nursery on that day but the funeral is a 2+ hour drive away, so I wouldn't be back in time to pick him up.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 14/07/2023 09:21

Blossomtoes · 14/07/2023 09:18

Of course you can if it makes the difference between him being quiet and not. Nobody would criticise you for it, I certainly wouldn’t and I’m from the generation most likely to judge. I’ve seen a four year old at a funeral with books and crayons and the only comments were about how well behaved she was.

Show quote history

The difference with headphones, in my experience, is that the child will start talking to their parent (loudly, because headphones) with no regard to what is happening in the service.

If they're sitting colouring they are aware of the volume around them and can learn to match it if they need to whisper to their parent.

Mindymomo · 14/07/2023 09:23

Take your son, if it’s a normal service, it normally only lasts 40 minutes and take a comic, crayons etc. Take some sweets, but only give if needed. Last resort, take him outside if you think it’s necessary. Will you have other family there, that your son can sit with the other side to you, that will help. Maybe sit at the back or near a door.

Karatema · 14/07/2023 09:24

I'd take him. My nephew has attended every one of my families funerals since he was 3. He was a quiet child though and, I noticed, whispered questions to his parents on the first few occasions.

Jakadaal · 14/07/2023 09:25

When my school were very young I suggested that I take them to the wake of my Uncle afterwards rather than the service. It was still an opportunity for me to see the bereaved family and it lightened the mood a little.

Jakadaal · 14/07/2023 09:26

School = dc

babysoupdragon2 · 14/07/2023 09:27

Take a lolly pop! It was a godsend for keeping my 4 year old still and quiet throughout a long service.