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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take DS4 to a funeral?

59 replies

mumtorn · 14/07/2023 09:00

My elderly aunt has died and her funeral is next week. It is important to me that I go.

I cannot get childcare for DS, is it inappropriate to take him?

He has had quite a few questions surrounding death recently and is quite worried about the fact everyone dies one day.

Should I sit this one out?

OP posts:
Lastqueenofscotland2 · 14/07/2023 09:32

I think it depends on the people organising. I went to one recently where someone had died fairly young in pretty tragic circumstances and it was pretty sombre and I don’t think his family would have appreciated a child being silly there.
Id speak to the family, maybe someone you can trust to be honest rather than say “oh he’ll be fine” and then get annoyed if he is noisy.

Personally I wouldn’t.

thefamous5 · 14/07/2023 12:09

We have taken our children to funerals. Recently my 3 year old came alongside the older ones and it was fine.

Girasoli · 14/07/2023 12:20

I would take him but I'm also not English. DS2 (3.5) sat on my lap calmly through his great grandma's funeral mass in April. He would usually fidget and need a colouring book through a normal Sunday mass. I guess he picked up on the calm atmosphere and everyone sitting quietly?

I think if it's an older person whose had a long life people tend to like seeing the little grand children/nieces and nephews there.

MorrisZapp · 14/07/2023 12:33

I wouldn't but it's entirely dependent on your culture and your family, and the closest mourners to the deceased.

3luckystars · 14/07/2023 12:41

I’m in Ireland too and children of all ages go to funerals all the time here, it’s very normal, so I would definitely go but bring him out if he makes noise.

Fifthtimelucky · 14/07/2023 15:42

Mine would have been fine at that age, but you know your child best.

If you think he'll probably be ok, take him but be prepared to take him out if he starts getting restless.

MereDintofPandiculation · 14/07/2023 15:49

Redwatermelon · 14/07/2023 09:02

My 4 years old would not be able to sit still and quiet for 1 hour funeral so I would pass for this reason.

If it’s in a crematorium it’s going to be half an hour max

Katiesaidthat · 14/07/2023 15:56

Mine was 4 when my uncle died and we went to the funeral parlour. I think we are very much kept away and sanitised from death and unpleasantness of any form so I decided that i would take her along. Normalise. Worked out fine as my aunt was super taken with her and she said it took her mind off the funeral.
My daughter told us to speak quietly because there was a man sleeping in the corner. My cousins (his adult children) have soft spot for her since then.

Gcsunnyside23 · 14/07/2023 16:02

mumtorn · 14/07/2023 09:06

I thought as much

Show quote history

I would think it's ok, I've seen kids do this at both funeral and weddings. I think as it's important for you to be there I would bring it as a back up if he starts to play up

landoflostcontent · 14/07/2023 16:06

I do think children should attend funerals, this might sound calculating but it is another rite of passage for them to learn and probably better when the deceased is not a very close relative. I cannot imagine having to cope with ones first funeral when it is a parent, partner or sibling. Having said that 4 years old is an age when they become aware of (and can obsess about) death. So really I have been no help at all but on balance I would take him

fridaynight1 · 14/07/2023 16:22

Sorry for your loss.

My children went to funerals. They were fine, I think children instinctively know when to be quiet - even little ones. Talking about it years later they have all said they were glad they had the chance to say goodbye.

I think you should go. During the service you could sit at the back and make a quiet exit if they do become unsettled. And afterwards at the wake - I think most people will be relieved that the service is over. I don't know your family but if anything like mine, having a child in the room will probably be a welcome distraction.

CrystalPalaceAlice · 14/07/2023 16:26

A 4 year old recently attended a funeral that I was at. I was a bit surprised to begin with but when another family member never turned up as they had no one to look after their kids I didn’t get why they couldn’t just bring them. I’d take him, at least you will get a chance to go.

CopperSeahorses · 14/07/2023 16:29

Sit near the back and slip out if you need to? Three under 3s came to DH's funeral, you wouldn't have known they were there, for some reason they all sat beautifully with their adults and barely made a sound.

Reddog1 · 14/07/2023 16:39

What do her immediate family, particularly the oldest ones, think? My great aunts and uncles would not have approved of children at funerals, although I would add that they were all born around 1915 so were the generation above your late relative and her widower/siblings. My parents’ generation (wartime born, so probably your great aunt’s age) were more relaxed but I still think that crayons and gadgets would have been a no-no.

Yet, in Irish families it’s always been the norm to include youngsters.

There’s no ”right” answer. If you’re unsure, ask a family member who’s likely to be honest.

condolences.

Toooldtocareanymore · 14/07/2023 16:40

This is your aunt, these people are your family and they will understand, you want to be there and this is what it takes, I disagree with those that say you cant bring a device or a bag with some quiet toy -a book a snack in it, its not being disrespectful he is 4 , no one who matters will care, you're hardly going to sit front and center , if he isn't behaving take a few mins outside. When my child was this age her grandmother often brought her to funerals, if she was minding her, she was well able to understand her grandmothers instructions to behave and shed get an ice cream after.

sillysmiles · 14/07/2023 16:55

@Reddog1
My great aunts and uncles would not have approved of children at funerals, although I would add that they were all born around 1915 so were the generation above your late relative and her widower/siblings.

I find the differences in attitudes to funerals and customs between England and Ireland fascinating. Do you know why it would have not been approved of?

LlynTegid · 14/07/2023 17:05

Sorry for your loss.

I think go with your son, ensure he knows there is some reward for being quiet during the service, which may help.

QueenOfWeeds · 14/07/2023 17:08

Not exactly what you asked, but can I suggest that you let the nursery know so that they can be ready if he has questions for them?

Sorry for your loss.

SoShallINever · 14/07/2023 17:16

I think the people saying that a device and headphones are disrespectful aren't regular Church goers.
You do what works for you OP and no one will judge. I go to both Catholic and high Anglican services and there's always kids looking at an ipad or watching peppa pig on a parents phone.

mondaytosunday · 14/07/2023 17:20

My kids were 3 and 5 for my dads funeral and were fine. I did not take them to the lunch after as they would have been bored.

londonrach · 14/07/2023 17:26

Ask the person who organised the funeral what they what but I certainly be happy to take a 4 year old. I wouldn't take a baby or toddler but past 3 is sensible..and host ok with it...yes. death is part of life. I'm very sorry for your loss. X

Cuwins · 14/07/2023 17:28

MRex · 14/07/2023 09:04

Ask your great aunt's closest family, some people dislike children going to funerals. It's ok for your son to have questions, and to keep having questions, death is part of life and something we all need to learn to accept at some point.

This is the key to me. How do her closest family feel about it?

neilyoungismyhero · 14/07/2023 17:29

I took my little boy to his great grandma's funeral. He was about 2 and a half- he didn't know what was going on I don't think and he was very good. It was a small ceremony.

SirVixofVixHall · 14/07/2023 17:29

ScarlettSunset · 14/07/2023 09:03

I've always taken my child to funerals. They are part of life and I find it strange that children are often excluded from them.

Same here, I have taken my children to quite a few funerals. Dd was almost two at her first one (her great grandmother). In my experience older people at funerals love to see babies and fuss over them afterwards at the funeral tea.

Adropofink · 14/07/2023 17:29

I would take him, it’s important to you that you go and the atmosphere and other people will impact on how he behaves in my experience. You can always take him out for a few minutes if he starts to struggle. Go and pay your respects and explain to him what to expect and how to behave beforehand.

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