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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To block ex from seeing baby or not

65 replies

Newmama2222 · 13/07/2023 00:33

My very narcissistic ex partner and BD moved out of our shared rental home in April. I still live here with our 11 month old DD. He agreed to continue to pay his half of rent and bills as his child maintenance contribution which is likely higher than it would be if we went via CMS (I do not know his salary for sure though!)

As of today I learnt he’s stopped paying his share of rent and we are now being chased with legal action / eviction on the cards. I am currently not working or earning income as I look after our baby full time and his lack of support had made it hard for me to find work as I can’t afford child care. Ex only sees her once 10-5 on a Saturday.

AIBU to now tell him to F off and not come see her this weekend? We were meant to have a shared party for her 1 year birthday. For me what kind of dad risks getting his baby and baby mum evicted after making an agreement. And then expects to play happy families!!??

OP posts:
AndTheSurveySays · 13/07/2023 00:35

You decided to have that man father your child. You owe a responsibility to your child to ensure as much as possible that she has a relationship with the man you chose to be her father.
For the money you need to go through CMS.

Azandme · 13/07/2023 00:38

Your child is not a weapon to be used to punish her dad. She's not just yours to withhold. SHE has a right to see her daddy. Maintenance is completely separate to contact.

CMS for maintenance.

Don't ever consider using your child as a weapon again. It's unacceptable.

GenerallyGreenerGrass · 13/07/2023 00:46

You say he’s been paying half of the rent and bills but how have you been paying the other half, if you don’t work or have any income.
You need to make an appointment with Citizens Advice and they will check what benefits you are entitled to, including Housing Benefit which will pay your rent.
Do not treat your child as a stick to beat your ex boyfriend with, she is entitled to know her Father and you need to grow up.

HeddaGarbled · 13/07/2023 00:52

Start the CMS claim asap.

When he comes at the weekend, tell him you’re being threatened with eviction.

When you have the party, tell all the guests (not in front of the children) that you’re being threatened with eviction.

Original poster
Newmama2222 · 13/07/2023 00:52

Thanks for your opinions so far although I do think stopping paying rent and risking eviction is a bit more serious than simply not paying child maintenance. I should have also mentioned that this man has a history of DV and I was put under the safeguarding team through my pregnancy as a result. So this question was more born out of a final straw mentality than just him not contributing money. He does fuck all for our daughter apart from come and see her for a few hours on a Saturday.

OP posts:
Tiredjoanna · 13/07/2023 00:59

If he's willing to allow his child to be kicked out onto the streets then he doesn't deserve to see her. Sound like a complete t**t

Notimeforaname · 13/07/2023 01:27

As above, dont use her as a weapon. You will have to get a job.

Notimeforaname · 13/07/2023 01:28

And of course put in a cms claim as soon as you can.

JeandeServiette · 13/07/2023 01:46

Well I'd have blocked him from unsupervised contact because of the DV.

It's seems a bit off that DV wasn't a strong enough reason but finances is.

Were you only allowing him contact to assure your living expenses?

Why can't you claim universal credit to help with childcare costs? Have you got a job to go back to? What we're you doing for work before pregnancy?

Original poster
Newmama2222 · 13/07/2023 01:51

The DV was strong enough but as external sources came in he put on an act and pretended he would never do it again. So we moved in together somewhere in Jan of this year and he started acting up again, I wasn’t allowing it so he walked out and left 1 month into the tenancy starting but then wanted to punish me so stopped helping with our DD as he knew it would make it impossible for me to find work.

I was doing freelance marketing before pregnancy, so only had statutory but had savings and was careful with spending. The savings have gone completely now. I am applying for UC which I hope will help. I wasn’t aware you could get housing help too, will look into that.

OP posts:
Bluesheeps · 13/07/2023 01:58

i guess you’re not on good terms? I’m a bit confused with your posts. I don’t think you should weaponise access as frustrating as it it. Can you not apply for council housing and be priority?

JeandeServiette · 13/07/2023 02:34

I was doing freelance marketing before pregnancy, so only had statutory but had savings and was careful with spending. The savings have gone completely now. I am applying for UC which I hope will help. I wasn’t aware you could get housing help too, will look into that.

UC will help with housing costs and childcare costs as well as living expenses.

What kind of marketing were you doing? Comms? Social media? Copywriting?

Can you start that - or something related- PT again if you put your DD in nursery a few sessions a week (which you should get 85% of the cost of, covered by UC)?

You do have ways out of this, and the financial help available is better than you seem to think.

Beezknees · 13/07/2023 02:39

UC will pay most of your rent, probably not all of it but a good proportion. Also you will get most of your council tax paid, apply for a council tax discount too.

Beezknees · 13/07/2023 02:40

Bluesheeps · 13/07/2023 01:58

i guess you’re not on good terms? I’m a bit confused with your posts. I don’t think you should weaponise access as frustrating as it it. Can you not apply for council housing and be priority?

She likely wouldn't be a priority as she already has somewhere to live. She can claim UC to help pay the rent which she should have already been doing.

NurseEssie · 13/07/2023 03:00

What was your plan until he stopped paying rent?
Were you planning to continue not working?
Your baby is almost 1.

Have you even joined any daycare waitlists?

What do you mean you can't afford childcare? Gov will subsidise you. You need to work.

You really need to find a way to support yourself.

Rainbowqueeen · 13/07/2023 04:43

Claim cms now and look into benefits.

Write to your landlord offering to pay off arrears over time when you start receiving your benefits. If you are a good tenant there’s a good chance they will accept that. Explain that you were unaware that ex was not keeping to his bargain.
Your DD has the right to see her dad but I would change how you go about this and look into supervised contact given the history of DV.

When you say “shared party”does that mean you were organising and paying and he was going to turn up? If so, I’d tell him that this is no longer possible due to a change in your financial position but that you will make DD available for contact at a specific time that suits you.

Then moving forward you need to accept that ge is going to be a shit dad and you cannot rely on anything he says. He has shown you that.

Beezknees · 13/07/2023 06:16

NurseEssie · 13/07/2023 03:00

What was your plan until he stopped paying rent?
Were you planning to continue not working?
Your baby is almost 1.

Have you even joined any daycare waitlists?

What do you mean you can't afford childcare? Gov will subsidise you. You need to work.

You really need to find a way to support yourself.

That's wrong actually. She doesn't "need" to work and isn't actually required to until her child is 3. But yes, if she chooses to then she can get help with childcare costs.

Findyourneutralspace · 13/07/2023 06:25

This is shitty of him, however it forces a change in the way things work for you guys moving forward.
I’d stop contact between you and him and contact in your home. If you trust him with the baby, there can be times when he takes her out, if you think the contact needs to be supervised for safety reasons then arrangements can be made for a contact centre.
Claim CMS and look at your entitlement to UC as a lone parent. It’s far better for you to be in charge of where your household money goes and not be relying on him to keep a roof over your heads. You’ll also likely be better off.
You will probably find you are better off working PT if you can go back to freelancing. I freelanced in a similar field for years when my DCs were smaller and found it ideal with childcare in place, as I had flexibility and the numbers stacked up best. Good luck OP.

NurseEssie · 13/07/2023 06:28

'She doesn't "need" to work and isn't actually required to until her child is 3.'

Please reach me how to do that @Beezknees ? Because my child is 1 and I've to go back to work.

Sux2buthen · 13/07/2023 06:29

NurseEssie · 13/07/2023 06:28

'She doesn't "need" to work and isn't actually required to until her child is 3.'

Please reach me how to do that @Beezknees ? Because my child is 1 and I've to go back to work.

Are you a single parent?

Sux2buthen · 13/07/2023 06:31

NurseEssie · 13/07/2023 06:28

'She doesn't "need" to work and isn't actually required to until her child is 3.'

Please reach me how to do that @Beezknees ? Because my child is 1 and I've to go back to work.

To claim certain elements of UC you aren't obliged to be looking for work until your youngest is 3. After this you would have to actively job seek, that's what pp means

Flatandhappy · 13/07/2023 06:31

Children are not pay per view, you need to sort out your financial differences as something totally separate to contact between your daughter and her father.

Sux2buthen · 13/07/2023 06:34

I'd tell him to get something legal in place re access and then it's up to him. Don't fight on it obviously, if he wants regular normal access he will do it
Good luck

AngelAurora · 13/07/2023 06:35

You have no rights st all stopping him seeing his daughter, good luck trying to stop him. Your daughter is not a pawn to use against him.

AngelAurora · 13/07/2023 06:37

Newmama2222 · 13/07/2023 00:52

Thanks for your opinions so far although I do think stopping paying rent and risking eviction is a bit more serious than simply not paying child maintenance. I should have also mentioned that this man has a history of DV and I was put under the safeguarding team through my pregnancy as a result. So this question was more born out of a final straw mentality than just him not contributing money. He does fuck all for our daughter apart from come and see her for a few hours on a Saturday.

So bloody what, drip feeding makes no difference.