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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To block ex from seeing baby or not

65 replies

Newmama2222 · 13/07/2023 00:33

My very narcissistic ex partner and BD moved out of our shared rental home in April. I still live here with our 11 month old DD. He agreed to continue to pay his half of rent and bills as his child maintenance contribution which is likely higher than it would be if we went via CMS (I do not know his salary for sure though!)

As of today I learnt he’s stopped paying his share of rent and we are now being chased with legal action / eviction on the cards. I am currently not working or earning income as I look after our baby full time and his lack of support had made it hard for me to find work as I can’t afford child care. Ex only sees her once 10-5 on a Saturday.

AIBU to now tell him to F off and not come see her this weekend? We were meant to have a shared party for her 1 year birthday. For me what kind of dad risks getting his baby and baby mum evicted after making an agreement. And then expects to play happy families!!??

OP posts:
SlippySarah · 13/07/2023 06:38

Your daughter is entitled to see her father and have a relationship with him.

bumblebee2235 · 13/07/2023 06:44

I don't think you can stop contact over money. I completely feel where your coming from. I'd be freaking out and fuming in your situation, and I hate he feels he is getting away with it, I don't think assholes realise that to get "at" the ex, or making things harder for them effects their child in do many ways, but for some strange reason they don't see the correlation.

But the child is a separate party to your issues with him (or more his problem with you) and money. The child has no notion of finances and daddy not paying.

I would apply for rent element of UC (you will need your tenancy agreement, and for your security going forward will need it in your sole name) once your UC is up and running it takes 5 mins to do.
I would also get your name on council housing list, even if you go back to work for a single parent a council property is far easier to manage financially also they give your child stability, they are far more long term and secure. (I can't get one haha but you never know)

When your ready do freelance marketing again? I use to do some on people per hour site, not been on there for years but have a look, your paid per article so might be good to start getting a bit of income, can do a bit while baby naps.
Or part time work?
I just feel an abuser will use anything he can to get at you, so the more self sufficient you are and irrelevant he is, the more power you will hold. :)

Beezknees · 13/07/2023 06:59

NurseEssie · 13/07/2023 06:28

'She doesn't "need" to work and isn't actually required to until her child is 3.'

Please reach me how to do that @Beezknees ? Because my child is 1 and I've to go back to work.

A single parent claiming UC is not required to work until their child is 3. If you had to go back to work you must be in a different situation to OP.

GoodChat · 13/07/2023 07:03

You don't think he is a risk to your child or you wouldn't have moved with him when the baby was 3 months old. You can't punish the child because her dad isn't paying.

doozledog · 13/07/2023 07:04

Go online do a CMS claim, use the sms to oay your rent.

Claim UC, apply for concil tax reduction.

Yea2023 · 13/07/2023 07:13

The DV was so bad that you needed pregnancy safeguarding yet you exposed your daughter to him?

I’m surprised the expose is an issue now he is not providing financially but wasn’t when he was abusive.

Go down CMS route by all means but stopping her access to her father PURELY due to £ seems off.

Can you arrange documented supervised visits due to the DV? Has he been assessed as safe to be around her?

Sapphire387 · 13/07/2023 08:29

He sounds like a waste of space and an abuser. I'd say it's safeguarding your child ro reduce or cut contact, not 'using her as a weapon'. Go through CMS for the maintenance and he can take you to court if he wants access - that's what I would do.

WandaWonder · 13/07/2023 08:32

Basically saying "well I have decided my reasons allow me to do what I like" does not always work

You had sex to create a baby with him, you need to own that choice

MintJulia · 13/07/2023 08:41

Your approach won't persuade him to pay the rent, which is what you want. You have 18 years of co-parenting to get through, so you need to behave in a more mature and professional way.

Call your ex, ask him for the rent. Explain that you and his dd are at risk of being homeless.

Stay calm but explain that if he refuses, you will put in a claim to Cms. Then call the landlord, explain what is happening and ask for a couple of days to sort it out. Then call your housing department and tell them what is happening. Ask for help. Do you have family you can turn to?

aSofaNearYou · 13/07/2023 08:59

Go to CMS.

Personally I would not stop him seeing her because of not paying, but I would due to the DV and him being abusive. In my opinion, a child is better off without an abusive father.

Before you mentioned that element, I'd be asking what caused him to stop paying - was it that he couldn't afford it? But you paint a picture where this has been done deliberately as a form of abuse, and if he's been physically abusive before, then I wouldn't have put him on the BC or had him in her life. Bit trickier now - would he take you to court if you did?

3BSHKATS · 13/07/2023 09:04

If he started paying the rent again tomorrow, would you let him see her ?

The answer to that is all you need to know in your own mind.

It’s all very well people saying the children aren’t pay per view etc but the issue is this woman is required to facilitate this relationship. One doesn’t exist at the moment. And the only person that will drive it to happen is her. Why the fuck should she?

You’ll save yourself 18 years of misery, if he fucks off sooner rather than later. I’d be encouraging that outcome personally.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 13/07/2023 09:06

This is the father you chose for your daughter. This is the one thing women have control over, unless the pregnancy and labour is forced of course. You need to go to CMS and let him get in touch regarding contact. What you don't want to do is piss him off so he takes you to court. He would get access. Far more than he has now. I wouldn't want to tip the apple cart with such a man.

RoomOfRequirement · 13/07/2023 09:07

I don't have kids so this is not coming from some bitter past experience.

But I don't understand the whole men are entitled to do whatever they want, take ZERO responsibility, and still get to see the child? Parents have a responsibility to ensure children are taken care of. This father is not doing that. No financial support so no proof the child is eating, happy to see the child homeless on the streets, no caring responsibility, no childcare/daycare responsibility, goes out to work without considering those things.

If the resident parent did these things the child would be removed.

vivainsomnia · 13/07/2023 09:09

Is there a break clause in your rental agreement? If there is, and you could now move out without penalty, it would be fair that he stops paying his part of the rent. He needs to pay maintenance though. Why isn't he?

Beezknees · 13/07/2023 09:16

RoomOfRequirement · 13/07/2023 09:07

I don't have kids so this is not coming from some bitter past experience.

But I don't understand the whole men are entitled to do whatever they want, take ZERO responsibility, and still get to see the child? Parents have a responsibility to ensure children are taken care of. This father is not doing that. No financial support so no proof the child is eating, happy to see the child homeless on the streets, no caring responsibility, no childcare/daycare responsibility, goes out to work without considering those things.

If the resident parent did these things the child would be removed.

Because the child comes first, and they child has a right to a relationship with both parents, even if one of them is shit. You have to put your own feelings aside when you are co parenting.

My dad was useless and never paid anything and was in jail a lot. My mum never stopped me from seeing him. When I was older I stopped seeing him myself as I realised he was a bad parent. But she said to me she never wanted me to turn around one day and accuse her of not letting me have a relationship with my dad.

FreeQuote · 13/07/2023 09:17

Stop relying on him.

Go to CMS. If he misses a payment then report it and ask for it go to collect and pay (which means he will have to pay more in admin fees so will probably want to avoid that)

If his only commitment is seeing your child from 1-5pm on a Saturday then great, you know what the routine is, you make her available for him to pick up at 1pm
and tell him that you are going out but will be back at 5pm.

Your CMS calculation will be based on you having her full time as he doesn’t have any overnights.

As he will longer be paying anything towards that flat, or any other that you get, he has no need to even step through the door, have her ready and hand over (or arrange to handover somewhere else).

If you want to work then find work, most of your childcare costs will be paid and you can top up with the child maintenance. It’s actually easier to work when you have a baby as you don’t have to sort wraparound care and deal with inset days or school holiday care.

Start being independent, you will feel better for it. Don’t let someone else control your life.

TizerorFizz · 13/07/2023 09:19

They agreed the rent payments would be maintenance. Now he has stopped paying so maintenance now needs to be required. Where are the grandparents? Can they help?

Rtc12 · 13/07/2023 09:21

Could women's aid or Shelter be able to give advise?

FreeQuote · 13/07/2023 09:25

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 13/07/2023 09:06

This is the father you chose for your daughter. This is the one thing women have control over, unless the pregnancy and labour is forced of course. You need to go to CMS and let him get in touch regarding contact. What you don't want to do is piss him off so he takes you to court. He would get access. Far more than he has now. I wouldn't want to tip the apple cart with such a man.

Men like this rarely want more contact, although they like to posture and threaten about it, or pretend anyone who will listen that “she won’t let me see my kids” even though the kids are, and always have been available for them to spend more time with!

Being worried about upsetting the cart is the last thing the OP needs - as it just gives more power and control.

If he genuinely wants more access and to have an active part in bringing up his DD then that is great, and best that he heads off to court to show his commitment and to get things clear for everyone. That would also reduce his control over OP as the contact time would be set, so he can’t turn up unexpectedly and he couldn’t use it as an excuse to spend time with OP.

It’s fairly obvious though that a man who only wants to pop over on a Saturday, doesn’t really want to curtail his freedom, take time off during the holidays or cover sick days and all the other parts of parenting that mean taking real responsibility.

3BSHKATS · 13/07/2023 09:27

Since Legal aid stopped funding the circuses. men like this, don’t go to court. Honestly, you shouldn’t be upsetting the OP with these idol threats.

Mariposista · 13/07/2023 09:44

There is hep out there to apply for RE childcare costs. Or he can have her in the evenings and you get an evening job. You chose to have this baby, time to adult up a bit.

WeetabixTowels · 13/07/2023 09:46

I 100% understand why you want to withhold contact OP and I would feel the same. But ultimately it’s not right or fair on your DD - you need to go through CMS immediately.

GabriellaMontez · 13/07/2023 09:56

According to posters here women must Support themselves by finding work.
Pay for childcare.
Look after a baby as a single parent.
Do everything in their power to facilitate a relationship between a child and a shit Dad.

Women must never weaponise a baby, even if a man fails to do any of the above.

OP
Do apply to CMS but don't rely on them. Many men avoid financially supporting their children permanently.

ActDottie · 13/07/2023 09:57

At 11 months old you should be looking for work to support you and your daughter.

For the money go through CMS.

But don’t use your daughter a weapon.

ginswinger · 13/07/2023 10:28

Lots of judgement on here!

If you think your ex is not going to be a positive role model for your child because of his inability to support them financially and DV towards you, that's a good enough reason to cut contact. By all means go ahead. Parenting is quite hard enough without someone through their toys out of the pram, and by which I don't mean your child. Parents should be on the same page and not paying your rent is not acceptable if that was the agreement.

Don't expect too much through the CMS, they are fairly toothless. People think they chase ex partners for money but they really don't and are fairly disappointing if someone chooses not to pay. Work on developing ways to make an income that doesn't rely on him.

Look at Gingerbread for advice and help. https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/
It's far more geared up for sensible talk, networking with other parents and help if things get tough.

Home | Gingerbread

We are Gingerbread, the charity for single parent families. We provide expert advice and practical support for single mums and dads in England and Wales.

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