Page 3 | To block ex from seeing baby or not

Newmama2222 · 2023-07-12T23:33:06+00:00

My very narcissistic ex partner and BD moved out of our shared rental home in April. I still live here with our 11 month old DD. He agreed to continue to pay his half of rent and bills as his child maintenance contribution which is likely higher than it would be if we went via CMS (I do not know his salary for sure though!) As of today I learnt he’s stopped paying his share of rent and we are now being chased with legal action / eviction on the cards. I am currently not working or earning income as I look after our baby full time and his lack of support had made it hard for me to find work as I can’t afford child care. Ex only sees her once 10-5 on a Saturday. AIBU to now tell him to F off and not come see her this weekend? We were meant to have a shared party for her 1 year birthday. For me what kind of dad risks getting his baby and baby mum evicted after making an agreement. And then expects to play happy families!!??

RoomOfRequirement · 13/07/2023 10:42

Beezknees · 13/07/2023 09:16

Because the child comes first, and they child has a right to a relationship with both parents, even if one of them is shit. You have to put your own feelings aside when you are co parenting.

My dad was useless and never paid anything and was in jail a lot. My mum never stopped me from seeing him. When I was older I stopped seeing him myself as I realised he was a bad parent. But she said to me she never wanted me to turn around one day and accuse her of not letting me have a relationship with my dad.

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I guess I still don't understand. The child also has a right to food, to basic life necessities, to a house - and 2 parent is actively trying to remove those things. If the resident parent removed those things the child would be removed from them and placed into care.

It doesn't make sense to me that the other parent can do it and still have all of their rights.

And honestly I've been on MN a long time (fertility issues, hence joining while childless) and I've seen so many posts about parents who were not fit to be parents and that caused the child lasting damage - and this parent is abusive AND is happy for the child to be homeless. Just pondering whether that is better than their 'right to a relationship' seemingly no matter what.

3BSHKATS · 13/07/2023 10:52

@RoomOfRequirement you are, entirely correct, however, the family court deemed my ex’s credit record to be more important and worthy of protection than stability in my child’s life. And that’s where we’re at. They can, and will make children homeless in divorces. The whole thing is rotten to the core, and in no way put children first by plunging them into poverty, through either doing nothing or completely bizarre decision-making. One example I can think of is where the mother was a nurse and they awarded childcare arrangements. That meant she could literally never be available for a shift night or day with any level of consistency that would allow her to earn a livable wage.

Sux2buthen · 13/07/2023 12:16

RoomOfRequirement · 13/07/2023 09:07

I don't have kids so this is not coming from some bitter past experience.

But I don't understand the whole men are entitled to do whatever they want, take ZERO responsibility, and still get to see the child? Parents have a responsibility to ensure children are taken care of. This father is not doing that. No financial support so no proof the child is eating, happy to see the child homeless on the streets, no caring responsibility, no childcare/daycare responsibility, goes out to work without considering those things.

If the resident parent did these things the child would be removed.

Absolutely. If I provided for mine as their father does I'd be in prison for neglect

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 13/07/2023 12:54

FreeQuote · 13/07/2023 09:25

Men like this rarely want more contact, although they like to posture and threaten about it, or pretend anyone who will listen that “she won’t let me see my kids” even though the kids are, and always have been available for them to spend more time with!

Being worried about upsetting the cart is the last thing the OP needs - as it just gives more power and control.

If he genuinely wants more access and to have an active part in bringing up his DD then that is great, and best that he heads off to court to show his commitment and to get things clear for everyone. That would also reduce his control over OP as the contact time would be set, so he can’t turn up unexpectedly and he couldn’t use it as an excuse to spend time with OP.

It’s fairly obvious though that a man who only wants to pop over on a Saturday, doesn’t really want to curtail his freedom, take time off during the holidays or cover sick days and all the other parts of parenting that mean taking real responsibility.

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This is very true but I have personal experience of two different men who don't give a shit about the kids and just use court as a weapon. You are right too in that their favourite saying is 'she won't let me see the kids'! In reality, if they have a bit of money behind them they just use it to play with the mother. In an ideal world OP WOULD stop access, he will bring nothing to this child's life. Ever. But in the real world I would do everything I could to stay in control. I would put in a claim with CMS, tell him the Saturday contact didn't work for me anymore and wait for him to suggest an alternative. I would not directly stop contact. You have to play smart with men like this otherwise they can ruin you and have a knock on effect on mums mental health and the little ones childhood. Court doesn't reduce a mans control, more often than not it gives them more.

Gettingbysomehow · 13/07/2023 13:06

I agree with you OP, I wouldn't go out of my way to do anything whatsoever with this guy.
Make sure you get CMA to pay the full amount you are owed. He is a piece of shit.
I'm done with crawling around trying to please men.

Beezknees · 13/07/2023 15:16

RoomOfRequirement · 13/07/2023 10:42

I guess I still don't understand. The child also has a right to food, to basic life necessities, to a house - and 2 parent is actively trying to remove those things. If the resident parent removed those things the child would be removed from them and placed into care.

It doesn't make sense to me that the other parent can do it and still have all of their rights.

And honestly I've been on MN a long time (fertility issues, hence joining while childless) and I've seen so many posts about parents who were not fit to be parents and that caused the child lasting damage - and this parent is abusive AND is happy for the child to be homeless. Just pondering whether that is better than their 'right to a relationship' seemingly no matter what.

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You're not wrong. But you have to play it by the book and do everything "right" in the eyes of the law. Unless they are deemed a danger to the child, the father has a legal right to access.

Beezknees · 13/07/2023 15:17

As a PP said he'll probably end up dropping contact anyway. My ex was the same, when DS was younger he would see him once a week then it tailed off and he has no contact now.

BlastedPimples · 13/07/2023 15:21

He's abusive?

Scum.

Butchyrestingface · 13/07/2023 15:22

As of today I learnt he’s stopped paying his share of rent

This was almost inevitable, surely? Unless he's absolutely rolling in cash, how was he supposed to pay rent on TWO properties?

Doesn't sound he can be relied on for anything, so formalising the financials has to be the way ahead.

Original poster

Newmama2222 · 13/07/2023 15:38

Hi everyone, thanks a lot for all the responses, I really appreciate it!
For those who are rude and judgmental, you have clearly never a) been a single parent or b) been a victim of DV.
Re the DV, well i only recently realised I clearly have been attached through a trauma bond. The cycle of abuse has gone from terrible; to him being lovely. And obviously as a new mum I was desperately hoping to try to make it work so that we had a family unit. But with narcissistic/ abusive men, that goal is near impossible.

For those suggesting I “get a job” yeah obviously that’s what I want to do! But how am I to care for my daughter full time on my own, try and find somewhere new to live, find job oops, go to job interviews, attend work, without any support. It’s funny that’s the reaction as believe me I have tried that. I’m not work shy, the complete opposite!

Grandparents - his mum is useless and sees my DD when he takes her there each Sat. Other than that no help. My mum has offered to help once a week. Unfortunately my dad was more of the emotionally attached one but he died a few years ago.

I wasn’t aware of the housing help from UC. I am going to chase up my application and apply to CMS immediately! Is there anything else any one would recommend? I basically need the child care to help me get back on my feet so I can get to work. Without anyone to care for my DD it’s impossible to find a job, so a horrible vicious cycle.

I should add also that I have never ever blocked DD’s dad from seeing her before ever. But the fact that he is happy for us to get evicted to me is the icing on the cake. I guess this is what men like this do. I decided I won’t block him though and will stick to the shared party for my DD’s sake. He will inevitably pretend to be dad of the year in front of an audience though. 😐

OP posts:

GoodChat · 13/07/2023 15:50

Use that one day a week your DM can help out get interviews etc. Apply for jobs when baby is sleeping etc.

Start looking for nurseries and childminders now. Some areas have long waiting lists and it'll be good to get an idea of pricing too. UC will pay up to 85% of your childcare costs once you're in work.

Can your DM help you financially or could you stay with her until you get back on your feet?

You're in a really tough predicament right now but you'll get through it.

bumblebee2235 · 13/07/2023 16:15

Newmama2222 · 13/07/2023 15:38

Hi everyone, thanks a lot for all the responses, I really appreciate it!
For those who are rude and judgmental, you have clearly never a) been a single parent or b) been a victim of DV.
Re the DV, well i only recently realised I clearly have been attached through a trauma bond. The cycle of abuse has gone from terrible; to him being lovely. And obviously as a new mum I was desperately hoping to try to make it work so that we had a family unit. But with narcissistic/ abusive men, that goal is near impossible.

For those suggesting I “get a job” yeah obviously that’s what I want to do! But how am I to care for my daughter full time on my own, try and find somewhere new to live, find job oops, go to job interviews, attend work, without any support. It’s funny that’s the reaction as believe me I have tried that. I’m not work shy, the complete opposite!

Grandparents - his mum is useless and sees my DD when he takes her there each Sat. Other than that no help. My mum has offered to help once a week. Unfortunately my dad was more of the emotionally attached one but he died a few years ago.

I wasn’t aware of the housing help from UC. I am going to chase up my application and apply to CMS immediately! Is there anything else any one would recommend? I basically need the child care to help me get back on my feet so I can get to work. Without anyone to care for my DD it’s impossible to find a job, so a horrible vicious cycle.

I should add also that I have never ever blocked DD’s dad from seeing her before ever. But the fact that he is happy for us to get evicted to me is the icing on the cake. I guess this is what men like this do. I decided I won’t block him though and will stick to the shared party for my DD’s sake. He will inevitably pretend to be dad of the year in front of an audience though. 😐

Apply UC, get your tenancy agreement uploaded. Add on your child, you will get a meeting to provide her birth certificate to get the child element. I used that appointment to ask about all my questions and be pointed in the direction for more help support ect.

Whilst that ball is rolling apply to go on the housing list to bid for council properties.

These are the starting points I would do to cover all bases. Any other issues with council tax/electric bills ect I got a meeting with council as they have an emergency support fund to get you back on feet if there are back logs there.. (not sure if he may have lumped you with debts ect) hmm trying to think what else might be useful... obvs CMS, hopefully his work ect isn't too complicated he would make that difficult?

Are you going to get a written agreement on contact?

I started with nothing haha so had to go through quite a few routes to get on my feet.. I've learned to never let on I'm struggling to an abuser, they stick the knife in where they can for a power trip. The more pointless you make him in your lives the less he can hurt you x

Original poster

Newmama2222 · 16/07/2023 22:55

bumblebee2235 · 13/07/2023 16:15

Apply UC, get your tenancy agreement uploaded. Add on your child, you will get a meeting to provide her birth certificate to get the child element. I used that appointment to ask about all my questions and be pointed in the direction for more help support ect.

Whilst that ball is rolling apply to go on the housing list to bid for council properties.

These are the starting points I would do to cover all bases. Any other issues with council tax/electric bills ect I got a meeting with council as they have an emergency support fund to get you back on feet if there are back logs there.. (not sure if he may have lumped you with debts ect) hmm trying to think what else might be useful... obvs CMS, hopefully his work ect isn't too complicated he would make that difficult?

Are you going to get a written agreement on contact?

I started with nothing haha so had to go through quite a few routes to get on my feet.. I've learned to never let on I'm struggling to an abuser, they stick the knife in where they can for a power trip. The more pointless you make him in your lives the less he can hurt you x

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@bumblebee2235 by the way thank you so much for this! Is the emergency support fund something I organise with my local council? Which department did you go to for it?

I’m sorry to hear you went through something similar too, but glad to hear it sounds like you are back on your feet!

I wish I was better at masking my struggles in front of him as you’re right they get a kick from it. Why are some men like this. So weird that they enjoy it, really sick..! X

OP posts:

NewName122 · 16/07/2023 23:23

Yabvu op get a job.

bumblebee2903 · 17/07/2023 01:59

@Newmama2222 I popped to the local council office when it was opened and explained situation. (I didn't have a penny) they put on money for electric then a voucher for co-op and a form to fill out for a write off on council back log and did a request for the fund.

You can always call the main number of your district and they can transfer you to relevant department.

Yes they are very good at provoking you then once they've riled you up stand back, watch and play victim. 😡 you have to go completely cold on them and see what tactics they are using to remain calm. Once I realised they are full of rubbish and all the personal attacks was solely done to get a reaction I wouldn't bite.!