Is my friend a hater?

[rosewasthevillain]

Friend is in a long term relationship just for background.

But I’ve kind of got the impression she wants me to stay single, for example she’s told me not to go on a date with two different men for no good reason, slated a different guy as he looks arrogant so I shouldn’t date him, told me to end a relationship etc

I’ve not spoken to her about a man in over a year and I’ve been single. Tonight I met up with her and told her about how my new next door neighbour came over to bring me a package he’d taken in and how I opened up my front door to see my dream man (looks wise) standing right there on my doorstep.

It’s just a joke but instead of the reaction of maybe laughing or being like “ooh is he single/did you chat” .. she just rolled her eyes. Am I right in thinking that’s a weird reaction?

Have you said to her...it seems like you want me to be single forever. Why is that? Tell her how you feel. See what she says.

What's her relationship like? Maybe she's jealous that you get to choose who you date whereas she's stuck!

I agree I think she is jealous. Otherwise she would be excited for you.

What do you think she hates?
You?
Why would your friend hate you?

How old are you and do you tend to have lots of drama in relationships?

The only reason I'd act like this to a friend is if they were forever dating with everything always being drama and if they were far too old to not have their head screwed on.

Are all your other friends in relationships? Could it be she doesn't want to be the last single left. If you find someone, go for it. A true friend wouldn't begrudge you that

Could she maybe not want you to have a man because she has feelings for you? That. Or she doesn’t want to be the only single one. But please date who you like and have your own opinion of them she can’t possibly have an opinion on someone she never met. And if your happy your friend should be happy to.

OP states that the friend is in a long term relationship in her opening line.

Prob jealousy x

Doesn’t sound like a friend.

No I said a hater.

No. Like I said in my OP to avoid this

I’ve been single for the last year and not mentioned any men to her. So it’s not like I’m discussing a new man each time I see her .. which if I was then I’d get the eye roll.

Oh.
Meaning is she jealous?
Sorry - I was just curious about the "hate" bit.
Hope it all works out.

Do you mean a man hater or a hater to you? Sounds like she's worried you'll find a man and she won't.

I think 'hater' means 'anti', or something like that.

Her relationship is .. good and bad? One minute she’s telling me they are looking at engagement rings and then the next they’ve not had sex in months. He’s lazy, bad with money and she can do better. It changes.

But my impression is that they will never break up. So I don’t know why she cares who I’m with.

Or maybe it’s a “my relationship might not be great but at least I’m not single like rosewasthevillain”

she might be unhappy in her own relationship and shes projecting her feelings about men , on to you
you confront her in the moment, next time she rolls her eyes "why do you do that ?" and see what she says, you need to be honest and tell her that shes making you uncomfortable

if you cant talk freely about normal things , then she is not being a good friend

You nailed it with your last sentence. She needs you to be single for her to feel ok about her rocky relationship.

I had a friend who seemingly had it all - husband with decent job, her own career as a nurse, a child and a mortgage but she lost it when I found a job I really like and did the whole eye rolling when I was telling her how much I was enjoying my new role. She also told me not to apply for the job to start with because she reckoned i wouldn’t even be called for interview. ( Then she told me not to go for the interview!)

So basically sometimes people are jealous of you not necessarily because you have something they don’t, but because they need you to be “failing” or “ less than” in some area for them to feel good. I discovered recently when my career took off that I had a few friends and family memeners like this and have ditched all of them!

She sounds toxic

I think you've answered your own question. But please could you explain what you mean by 'hater', if not 'a person who hates (someone / something)'?

I misread it as a hatter. I had an Alice in Wonderland moment.

I mean it’s just slang .. old slang. It doesn’t mean a physical hatred.

“In recent times this meaning has changed to apply to anyone with a negative opinion.”

“People that just hate on other people for no reason just to make themselves feel good“

I just thought it was odd to have a negative reaction, because it’s just a innocent story of how I’ve not put myself out there in so long and I open my front door to find a good looking man standing there.

Interesting and congratulations on the job.

Do you still speak to her? Shocking she told you not to go for the interview.

I've obviously misunderstood hater. I presummed it was one who hated, or at least had very unkind or negative things to say about certain people/situations.
If that's not a hater, what is? Who do you think she hates? All men?

Ok, so in those terms you're using 'hater' to mean 'person who habitually puts other people down'. That used to be 'a gossip' (or 'a bitch' - so in that sense I suppose it's a positive that people have adopted a more gender-neutral term).

To most of us, hate is a very strong term and it refers to the people the hatred is being directed towards, not the person who hates them. You can be a 'hater of ...' or a 'lover of...' rather than 'a hater' or 'a lover' as a descriptor of your personality. (Are 'lovers' just lovely people? Or are they still 'lovely' as opposed to 'hateful' - which no-one uses now, do they?). Few people really hate everybody - that's 'a misanthrope'.

That's my new thing learnt for today then. Consider yourself to have taught something to a bunch of over-40s OP!

And I agree with all that your friend is an unhappy person who needs to feel that her life is better than other people's, in order to justify continuing to live the way she does while feeling ok about herself.