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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ruin her engagement

53 replies

Anonymissss · 12/07/2023 21:50

I’ve a friend. She got engaged last month. Been with the bloke, who I’ve never met 6 months (no cultural reasons as why to marry for quickly). Friend is coming up to mid 30s. I’ve not said anything to her but I really feel it is too soon and I’m worried she’s rushing into things for several reasons:
age- she’s spoke for years about wanting kids and puts a lot of pressure on herself to have kids and being the only one who doesn’t have one. Makes a lot of comments about how she’s not going to be too far behind xyz and xyz as she’ll be having children soon. I guess this worries me too as children can test even the most established and strong relationships

shes never been single- maybe a week or two in the time I’ve known her. She bounces from one relationship to the next. And they are the best thing ever, until all of a sudden they aren’t and he was horribly mistreating her

rebound- about 8 months ago she split up with an ex, together over 5 years and he was the one etc. he’s moved on to some high flyer old money woman (who was the OW) and I’m there’s an element of ‘im ok without you’- she’s big on SM displays of affection . I think it was maybe a few weeks before she met the new guy and then got into a committed relationship with him

I don’t want to ruin her happiness or engagement or create problems but my gut says this is too soon and I’m concerned for her that’s she got wrapped up in it all and might not even know this man. Her last 3 relationships were all abusive and the man was a love bombing cheat. Not taking any time away to self reflect I’m concerned the same pattern might occur and it will be so much more difficult to leave when married with kids. Even if he’s not abusive, it still seems rushed, and no she’s not pregnant now

OP posts:
empatheticpretzel · 12/07/2023 22:08

If she has a pattern for choosing abusive men she will have a lot of trauma she needs to unpick. I think you should try to be there for her and gently suggest she gets counselling. Her decision to marry and get knocked up by someone she met 6 months ago is absolutely wild and sounds like something that would happen in a book or film. But she's mid 30's and time is running out for her to be able to have a family more safely. And a marriage could make the situation more secure for her and may feel like the best option.

PrayerFactory · 12/07/2023 22:11

Haven’t you got another identical thread about this, called ‘How soon is too soon?’ You sound a bit obsessed. I mean, she an adult. You might think she has poor taste in men and rushes into things, but it’s ukt8mately her call.

Original poster
Anonymissss · 12/07/2023 22:16

PrayerFactory · 12/07/2023 22:11

Haven’t you got another identical thread about this, called ‘How soon is too soon?’ You sound a bit obsessed. I mean, she an adult. You might think she has poor taste in men and rushes into things, but it’s ukt8mately her call.

I posted that one first and then thought I’d be better off in aibu so have messaged mn hq to delete the other one

of course it’s her call. I don’t know this man, he could be lovely- just worried given all the things she said about her last relationship during it and then after and how desperate she is for kids. The worry would be marrying the first man who’s willing because he’s prepared to offer that

OP posts:
pictoosh · 12/07/2023 22:17

Tbh I think it's far more likely you'll ruin your friendship rather than her engagement. She won't listen to you and she's not interested in taking it at a reasonable pace. She'll just get annoyed and offended.
It's very frustrating to watch people we care about make a mess of things but realistically all we can do is be there to pick up the pieces if we are so inclined.

SmileyClare · 12/07/2023 22:18

How are you planning to ruin her engagement?

By all means, voice your concerns tactfully if you’re very close.
Whether she takes your concerns on board and acts on them is a different matter.

I think you’re more likely to ruin the friendship tbh.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/07/2023 22:19

pictoosh · 12/07/2023 22:17

Tbh I think it's far more likely you'll ruin your friendship rather than her engagement. She won't listen to you and she's not interested in taking it at a reasonable pace. She'll just get annoyed and offended.
It's very frustrating to watch people we care about make a mess of things but realistically all we can do is be there to pick up the pieces if we are so inclined.

Yes I agree

caringcarer · 12/07/2023 22:21

Say nothing. Your friend is an adult and can choose to marry whoever she pleases. Don't spoil her big day. A friend would not do that.

Original poster
Anonymissss · 12/07/2023 22:23

caringcarer · 12/07/2023 22:21

Say nothing. Your friend is an adult and can choose to marry whoever she pleases. Don't spoil her big day. A friend would not do that.

To be clear, I was never going to stand up and I say I object to this wedding. It at most would’ve been a tactful conversation checking in to see if she’s sure because it’s quite quick

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/07/2023 22:25

You could also tell her my story- I did exactly this with a lockdown romance that love bombed me, he asked me to marry after 6m (not formal engagement as he was saving up for a ring) we started trying for a baby at HIS suggestion (but I was v happy to do so/always wanted one). He had lots of dramas when we first met with job and health that I supported him through but he never needed to prove himself to me- I just thought he seemed loving and caring and had a bit of pandemic bad luck and I wanted to support. How we, as soon as we lived together and I was pregnant and actually had some needs (I was so tired so needed him to do stuff round the house/give me lifts places sometimes/pick things up from the floor etc) he started getting nasty and critical to me, told me I was too needy and mentally unwell etc and then left me.

I hope her guy is much better than mine, but my point is after 6m there is absolutely no way of knowing if they are someone that will be there for you during tough times unconditionally. Is she happy to risk being a single mum if it all goes wrong? I have enough money and family support so it hasn't ruined my life, and I'm so grateful to have my baby so I wouldn't change much, but it was awful having a broken heart just as my baby arrived and crying all the time for the first few weeks of his life

Original poster
Anonymissss · 12/07/2023 22:25

pictoosh · 12/07/2023 22:17

Tbh I think it's far more likely you'll ruin your friendship rather than her engagement. She won't listen to you and she's not interested in taking it at a reasonable pace. She'll just get annoyed and offended.
It's very frustrating to watch people we care about make a mess of things but realistically all we can do is be there to pick up the pieces if we are so inclined.

This was my feeling too!

it’s better to say nothing, even a well intended tactful conversation most likely won’t be well received

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymissss · 12/07/2023 22:27

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/07/2023 22:25

You could also tell her my story- I did exactly this with a lockdown romance that love bombed me, he asked me to marry after 6m (not formal engagement as he was saving up for a ring) we started trying for a baby at HIS suggestion (but I was v happy to do so/always wanted one). He had lots of dramas when we first met with job and health that I supported him through but he never needed to prove himself to me- I just thought he seemed loving and caring and had a bit of pandemic bad luck and I wanted to support. How we, as soon as we lived together and I was pregnant and actually had some needs (I was so tired so needed him to do stuff round the house/give me lifts places sometimes/pick things up from the floor etc) he started getting nasty and critical to me, told me I was too needy and mentally unwell etc and then left me.

I hope her guy is much better than mine, but my point is after 6m there is absolutely no way of knowing if they are someone that will be there for you during tough times unconditionally. Is she happy to risk being a single mum if it all goes wrong? I have enough money and family support so it hasn't ruined my life, and I'm so grateful to have my baby so I wouldn't change much, but it was awful having a broken heart just as my baby arrived and crying all the time for the first few weeks of his life

I’m sorry you went through that x

OP posts:
TappingTed · 12/07/2023 22:29

As someone who got married less than a year after meeting my now husband, I say back off. One person expressed their concern that being engaged a month after getting together was quite quick- they were right it was quick. I appreciated their view and that they cared enough to say… but it didn’t change anything. Married nearly 20 years now. So quick isn’t always wrong or bad…

Bubbles100 · 12/07/2023 22:30

You could ask what’s the rush but I wouldn’t say too much! She’s an adult and needs to make her own mistakes, nothing you say will really make a difference.

Original poster
Anonymissss · 12/07/2023 22:32

TappingTed · 12/07/2023 22:29

As someone who got married less than a year after meeting my now husband, I say back off. One person expressed their concern that being engaged a month after getting together was quite quick- they were right it was quick. I appreciated their view and that they cared enough to say… but it didn’t change anything. Married nearly 20 years now. So quick isn’t always wrong or bad…

It’s the quickness+ history that combines to make me concerned for her. Especially 3 back to back abusive (on all fronts sadly) relationships

I’ve not said anything as of yet that’s not been congratulatory, and I shan’t as PP said v little (good) would come of it

OP posts:
pictoosh · 12/07/2023 22:32

TappingTed · 12/07/2023 22:29

As someone who got married less than a year after meeting my now husband, I say back off. One person expressed their concern that being engaged a month after getting together was quite quick- they were right it was quick. I appreciated their view and that they cared enough to say… but it didn’t change anything. Married nearly 20 years now. So quick isn’t always wrong or bad…

Tbh I think yours is a rare happy ending story. You couldn't possibly have been certain of what you were getting into after a month...it just so happens you lucked out and he didn't turn into a lovebombing toxic monster. Nice one...but quick is usually bad.

RebelR · 12/07/2023 22:38

I parents met and married within a few months and are still together 55 years later.

I was engaged to DH in 9 months and we were married 30 years until he died.

Or it could be a disaster.

I think you can have a gentle are you sure conversation but you have to balance that with I'm happy if you're happy. If you come across too judgemental now, she won't feel able to turn to you of it does go horribly wrong and you're unlikely to change anything.

7eleven · 12/07/2023 22:42

Anonymissss · 12/07/2023 22:23

To be clear, I was never going to stand up and I say I object to this wedding. It at most would’ve been a tactful conversation checking in to see if she’s sure because it’s quite quick

Show quote history

Isn’t that allegedly what Prince William did to Harry? 😂 That didn’t end well and nor would this. Keep schtum.

Original poster
Anonymissss · 12/07/2023 22:42

Another reason why I was wondering whether to say anything she sort of had a go at me post breakup with previous partner of why didn’t I warn her and voice any concerns and she wished people like me and her parents spoke up or else she might not have been trapped in an abusive relationship for so long.

she posts a lot of posts of how amazing this partner is compared to her last, finally have a real man, a man who understands her, to be with a person who knows what love is. I don’t know, she’s still connected with the ex’s family, some of ot seems like making a point, I don’t know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymissss · 12/07/2023 22:43

7eleven · 12/07/2023 22:42

Isn’t that allegedly what Prince William did to Harry? 😂 That didn’t end well and nor would this. Keep schtum.

Show quote history

did he have a conversation with haz about megz or did he actually stand up and object to their wedding (at that small private one they apparently had)?

OP posts:
7eleven · 12/07/2023 22:43

You sound a bit jealous, if I’m honest? You do you. Leave her be.

ReaIIyThough · 12/07/2023 22:43

I dont see how her choices are any of your business.

7eleven · 12/07/2023 22:44

Anonymissss · 12/07/2023 22:43

did he have a conversation with haz about megz or did he actually stand up and object to their wedding (at that small private one they apparently had)?

Show quote history

Queried if it was a bit quick.

Original poster
Anonymissss · 12/07/2023 22:45

7eleven · 12/07/2023 22:43

You sound a bit jealous, if I’m honest? You do you. Leave her be.

Jealous of what?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymissss · 12/07/2023 22:46

7eleven · 12/07/2023 22:44

Queried if it was a bit quick.

Show quote history

I don’t pay much attention to the royals , is that the route of all their sibling woes (allegedly)

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 12/07/2023 22:47

I think you need to maybe meet the guy before you talk to her. I think it would be difficult for you to raise concern if you've never met him. I would do that and then see what you think of how they are together. If you still have concerns then I'd try to have a gentle conversation with her that you support her decision whatever she wants to do but that you are a bit concerned that she seems to be moving very quickly and putting a lot of pressure on herself rather than being able to just enjoy each stage of the relationship. If you think she'd accept it then you could suggest she does some counselling so she's going into things with a clean slate after her past experiences and is putting herself and her needs first. There will be so much there for her to unpack its hard to say if she'd be ready to accept any of what you say. But I think you need to remember that fundamentally abusive relationships center on people's natural desire to be loved and that's all she's really looking for. If you push too hard then you both might lose a friend and you might rule yourself out as someone she can go to if things sour in the relationship.