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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ruin her engagement

53 replies

Anonymissss · 12/07/2023 21:50

I’ve a friend. She got engaged last month. Been with the bloke, who I’ve never met 6 months (no cultural reasons as why to marry for quickly). Friend is coming up to mid 30s. I’ve not said anything to her but I really feel it is too soon and I’m worried she’s rushing into things for several reasons:
age- she’s spoke for years about wanting kids and puts a lot of pressure on herself to have kids and being the only one who doesn’t have one. Makes a lot of comments about how she’s not going to be too far behind xyz and xyz as she’ll be having children soon. I guess this worries me too as children can test even the most established and strong relationships

shes never been single- maybe a week or two in the time I’ve known her. She bounces from one relationship to the next. And they are the best thing ever, until all of a sudden they aren’t and he was horribly mistreating her

rebound- about 8 months ago she split up with an ex, together over 5 years and he was the one etc. he’s moved on to some high flyer old money woman (who was the OW) and I’m there’s an element of ‘im ok without you’- she’s big on SM displays of affection . I think it was maybe a few weeks before she met the new guy and then got into a committed relationship with him

I don’t want to ruin her happiness or engagement or create problems but my gut says this is too soon and I’m concerned for her that’s she got wrapped up in it all and might not even know this man. Her last 3 relationships were all abusive and the man was a love bombing cheat. Not taking any time away to self reflect I’m concerned the same pattern might occur and it will be so much more difficult to leave when married with kids. Even if he’s not abusive, it still seems rushed, and no she’s not pregnant now

OP posts:
7eleven · 12/07/2023 22:47

Anonymissss · 12/07/2023 22:45

Jealous of what?

Show quote history

Her finding another man, maybe. Her ability to move on?

x2boys · 12/07/2023 22:48

So I met my dh in February I married him six months later in August everyone said it wad to early we should wait etc
We celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary in a few weeks
And we have stayed together far longer than people who expressed concerns at the time
But out maybe it will.last maybe it won't who are you to say?

toomanypillows · 12/07/2023 22:51

My DH and I moved in with each other after 6 weeks. 6 months previously I was engaged to someone else.
DH and I got married 10 months after we moved in together and that was 1998.
Still happy

Let them live their own lives. I wouldn't have thanked anyone for having that conversation with me. Funnily enough, I knew it was quick. It was also right.

Original poster
Anonymissss · 12/07/2023 22:51

7eleven · 12/07/2023 22:47

Her finding another man, maybe. Her ability to move on?

Show quote history

To be clear, I’m not her ex- so unclear why I’d feel resentful or jealous she’s moved on?

im married myself with dcs. Single or in a relationship (of any kind) it makes no odds to me (In the grand scheme of things)… just a little concerned , all things considered

OP posts:
Jongleterre · 12/07/2023 22:52

A simple, "Why are you rushing into getting engaged so soon?" will spark a conversation where she will either tell you it's none of your damn business or my bring forth a deep conversation about why she feels this guy is the one and why she is moving fast.

Original poster
Anonymissss · 12/07/2023 22:54

Jongleterre · 12/07/2023 22:52

A simple, "Why are you rushing into getting engaged so soon?" will spark a conversation where she will either tell you it's none of your damn business or my bring forth a deep conversation about why she feels this guy is the one and why she is moving fast.

I don’t think I’d have phrased it that bluntly lol but I get your point

OP posts:
Threenow · 12/07/2023 23:02

pictoosh · 12/07/2023 22:32

Tbh I think yours is a rare happy ending story. You couldn't possibly have been certain of what you were getting into after a month...it just so happens you lucked out and he didn't turn into a lovebombing toxic monster. Nice one...but quick is usually bad.

Show quote history

I know several people who got engaged/married quite quickly after meeting - including my neighbour who was married to her husband for decades until his death. I've also known people who have been living together for years, got married, and it's lasted a very short time. MN seems to be obsessed with long relationships before making a commitment. Everyone is different.

continentallentil · 12/07/2023 23:02

Well the thing is if she wants to have kids, time may very well be running out.

But it’s a bit late to be having the conversation about how there are different ways of having kids..

So I would just leave it, cross your fingers, and if it doesn’t work out be around for her.

Mountainpika · 12/07/2023 23:04

We met and he proposed three weeks later. That was in 1971 and we're still very happily married. It can happen.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/07/2023 23:08

Anonymissss · 12/07/2023 22:42

Another reason why I was wondering whether to say anything she sort of had a go at me post breakup with previous partner of why didn’t I warn her and voice any concerns and she wished people like me and her parents spoke up or else she might not have been trapped in an abusive relationship for so long.

she posts a lot of posts of how amazing this partner is compared to her last, finally have a real man, a man who understands her, to be with a person who knows what love is. I don’t know, she’s still connected with the ex’s family, some of ot seems like making a point, I don’t know.

She sounds very dramatic. I think she must take responsibility for her own life instead of blaming you for not telling her to end previous relationship. She probably wouldn't have listened at the time!!
Only caution her IF she asks for your thoughts.
X

applesandmares · 12/07/2023 23:17

I'd say nothing for the time being. They might end up having a long engagement! If she starts confiding in you about relationship issues and they are planning a quick wedding then maybe raise it tactfully then

RosesAndHellebores · 12/07/2023 23:19

I knew dh was the one the night we met and vice versa. He called me about 6 weeks later having split from his girlfriend of five years because that night confirmed she wasn't the one.

Our first date was great. We have rarely spent a night apart since our 2nd date and knew we wouldn't. Admittedly didn't get engaged and married within 6 months (2.5 years) but we did meet 35 years ago.

When you know, you know.

Ritualroad · 12/07/2023 23:24

Are you genuinely concerned for her welfare or do you get a kick/live vicariously through writing about her relationship car crashes? And I mean that in a nice way, if there is one. To be honest you would be in a better position to tell her what you think if you weren’t married with kids in my opinion. You risk coming across as judgemental or smug. I honestly think the only thing you can do is be there to pick up the pieces if it goes wrong, as bad as that sounds.

Original poster
Anonymissss · 12/07/2023 23:30

Ritualroad · 12/07/2023 23:24

Are you genuinely concerned for her welfare or do you get a kick/live vicariously through writing about her relationship car crashes? And I mean that in a nice way, if there is one. To be honest you would be in a better position to tell her what you think if you weren’t married with kids in my opinion. You risk coming across as judgemental or smug. I honestly think the only thing you can do is be there to pick up the pieces if it goes wrong, as bad as that sounds.

How could anyone possibly get a kick out of someone being abused? No

i think it’s even stevens being married or single or divorced. It’s coming across judgmental and smug if married, jealous of single and bitter if divorced.

OP posts:
Dita73 · 12/07/2023 23:36

Mind your own business! Sort your own life out

Original poster
Anonymissss · 12/07/2023 23:37

Dita73 · 12/07/2023 23:36

Mind your own business! Sort your own life out

👍🏻

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 12/07/2023 23:40

Re Prince William. All William did was say, take your time and get to know this girl.

That’s it. What anybody would say to a loved one who was rushing into marriage after a very short dating period. I mean, Markle met him, dated, engaged, married, pregnant, and first child all in a very short period. She was definitely on a mission. Yes she was approaching middle age but still. With the high profile of the family, you kind of have to look out for manipulative opportunists. What William said was very very mild and very necessary advice.

It would have been different if William had also rushed into marriage, but he took it slowly to make sure he and Catherine were doing things in a way that would ensure a lasting and loving marriage. And importantly, to make sure Catherine was comfortable and ready for the onslaught. She was hounded by the press mercilessly and was stalked, they were right up on her, there are videos. Markle didn’t have to deal with anything like Catherine did. Notice Meghan made sure she said the insult out loud on international interview to be seen by millions ‘waity Katie’. What a bitch.

Basically, op, your friend will do what she’s going to do. Just don’t comment because she’ll hold it against you even though it’s her own mistakes that cause her pain.

MysteryBelle · 12/07/2023 23:42

And, you’re very invested in your friend’s life. Too invested. Step back and stop dwelling on this. She’s an adult and it’s her life. Enjoy your own life and be happy.

Mumtothreegirlies · 12/07/2023 23:45

Even if you tell her you’re not comfortable with her choices, what is she going to do? Wait around for some guy to meet your approval?
besides there are plenty of threads on mumsnet that prove relationships can end badly with kids involved even after 20 years of what was once a happy marriage, and women are also always on here saying it’s fine to get a sperm donor and ‘go it alone’
let her have her whirlwind romance, have a child etc. it may be her only chance given her age.

Original poster
Anonymissss · 12/07/2023 23:48

MysteryBelle · 12/07/2023 23:42

And, you’re very invested in your friend’s life. Too invested. Step back and stop dwelling on this. She’s an adult and it’s her life. Enjoy your own life and be happy.

Hardly. We all have opinions. We’ve known each other a very long time and I’m always the shoulder to cry on. I guess my stance would be similar to Williams that’s all (never thought I’d say that) don’t feel you have to rush.

OP posts:
sunflowerdaisyrose · 12/07/2023 23:53

I had a bad break up with someone I thought I'd spend my life with. Met my now husband 3 months later, engaged 4 months after that and married within a year. 13 years later still going strong - I know some people were concerned but those who had met him weren't as he was (and is) totally amazing and we were and are very much in love.

Just say congratulations and be excited for her. You can still be there for her in the future if goes wrong.

Batalax · 13/07/2023 00:01

I think you could tentatively broach the subject but back off if she’s not happy.

”you know you said last time I should have said something, well I’m saying this now because I’m worried it’s all just a bit quick. He might well be the one, it seems he’s really nice, but I don’t want you to get hurt again so do you think it’s worth just spending a little bit more time getting to know him a bit better?”

sort of thing

momonpurpose · 13/07/2023 00:09

ReaIIyThough · 12/07/2023 22:43

I dont see how her choices are any of your business.

Exactly. If this is a friend you want to keep I'd zip it

Whatiswrongwithm · 13/07/2023 00:21

7eleven · 12/07/2023 22:43

You sound a bit jealous, if I’m honest? You do you. Leave her be.

Only on mumsnet. Honestly!

OP knows this woman is vulnerable to falling prey to abusive men. She is rightfully concerned for her friend.

Ive seen countless threads where replies have said an 8 month relationship is early days and this woman plans to MARRY after 6 months.
People just love to contradict ANYONE on AIBU.

Mothership4two · 13/07/2023 00:29

@Anonymissss

Another reason why I was wondering whether to say anything she sort of had a go at me post breakup with previous partner of why didn’t I warn her and voice any concerns and she wished people like me and her parents spoke up or else she might not have been trapped in an abusive relationship for so long.

Have you had any indication that this relationship is abusive? If not, then what could you warn her about (in a future conversation)? You could subtly comment on how super speedy everything seems, but I suspect she won't take much notice.

What would she have done if everyone had warned her before? It probably wouldn't have made any difference. She is being a bit disingenuous.

Sometimes you have to watch people you care about do things you wouldn't with your fingers crossed hoping for the best!

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