MIL left DC home alone

[Homealoneokornot]

My MIL left DC age 8 home alone today while she went out in her car on a completely non-essential errand (she was looking after DC while DH & me were working 70 miles away). There was no reason why she couldn’t have taken DC with her, and she didn’t tell us she’d done this. DC told us later, I verified with MIL whose justification was ‘they said they’d be fine alone in the house and I was only gone for 15 mins’ (the place she went to is definitely further than a 15 min round drive, so I’m guessing she was out for more like 30 mins).

Now I know the chances of something having happened to DC in the time she was away was slim and that yes, DC was fine, however we’ve never left them alone before and think they are too young. DC also didn’t have a phone so no way of contacting anyone if MIL hadn’t come back when expected.

I’m aghast that MIL though this was ok but I need some perspective please. AIBU to be really bloody annoyed about this?

It would be the end of her babysitting for me. You can’t trust her.

I would try not to let this incident spoil your relationship in general. Just because you can’t trust her as a sitter doesn’t mean she isn’t a loving grandparent.

Way too young to be casually left. He didn’t even have a phone! I wouldn’t leave some else’s 8 year old without their permission in a million years. It would be unusual for an 8 year old to be mature and responsible enough to be left alone and it would be entirely the parents decision. My 9 year old couldn’t be left on his own.

My 8 year is home alone after school sometimes but she sensible and has a phone and I’m only 10 minutes away. I wouldn’t be happy with someone else making this decision for me. I think some people are over dramatic though. Just say it’s not ok and move on.

I happily left my eldest alone for short periods at this age, and would do so again. But that decision is for you to make as the parents.

I’d be absolutely livid. When I was a child my babysitter left me alone in the evening while she went back to her home, she was gone hours. To this day I can still remember how anxious I felt.

That's a hard no from me. And I'm often told I'm too relaxed about things.

It's on your DH to deal with this. I very much hope he's not trying to minimise and avoid confrontation.

YANBU
It was not her decision to make
I hope DS is ok

I was cooking dinner and I remembered I had taken in a parcel for K across the road, I had one, she had three, we live on a quiet road, I rang her and said meet me outside so I can handover. She did, we did, we went back to our respective houses, unfortunately DS (7) chose to come looking for me and ended up terrified.

Our whole transaction took less than sixty seconds and now DS (22) and I laugh about it, but he will still say that he found the silence in the house the most terrifying.

She is not to be trusted.

I'm surprised that (currently) 8% of posters think you were being unreasonable. What she did is totally unacceptable and she must know that what she did is out of order. She should have taken your DC with her or put off the errand until she wasn't looking after your child or anybody's child. I couldn't trust her after such a huge lack of judgement.

Ypure the parebtm its your choice when you decide to leave your child at home for short periods. She should have checked with you if it was ok.

My 6yo might well be fine to leave for a bit by the time she's 8. She's very sensible and likes time to herself. But before we do leave her we'll have talked about it and practised very short trips. It's not appropriate to leave your child when they haven't been prepared by you. And it's YOUR choice - some 8yo might be totally fine with this, others might feel nervous or upset or not be able to deal with unexpected things. You know best what your child can handle.

Thanks for your responses everyone. There’s no point speaking to MIL about this as she generally thinks she’s right about everything (particularly raising children). She is a loving grandmother but her judgement is clearly very off so she won’t be looking after DC again & can spend time with them when we are around. Have a good day all x

That just isn’t true. I was a late 80s child of 8/9 and it was pretty normal even then for kids to be left for short periods while parents ran errands. Even now general guidance from children’s charities is that children under 3 should never be left alone, children under 12 should only be left alone for short periods and under 16s should not be left overnight. Most people where I live would let their 9/10 year olds walk to & from school alone and be home for a short period waiting for them to come back from work or younger sibling pick ups. It’s pretty normal to let the 8/9 year olds in Y4 have short periods in house by themselves or to run small errands to build up to that. There is some risk involved in leaving kids alone but equally there is some benefit in letting them gradually build up more confidence to manage things independently. All that said it’s a choice the child’s parents should be making and not something the grandparents should just decide to do and it should be done in a structured/planned way that includes ensuring child knows about how to get help in an emergency and has very clear rules about what they mustn’t do while parents are out

My DM would have done this and thought it perfectly normal. She wouldn’t have meant any harm by it. Not worth falling out over unless you have other beef with her but now you know not to leave her in charge.

Quite understandably if you hadnt told him you are going out of the house.

When I was that age I was left alone and I wonder if her view is generational, it was certainly more acceptable in the 80's.

That said, I didn't leave my own children till age 10 at least and only for a walk to the post box or something however they did play out from a bit earlier. Every child is different and it depends on what experience they've had of independence. It is not her decision whether your child is left alone and you need to make that very clear to her, she should've checked with you and respected your wishes.

How you move forward really depends on whether she accepts her mistake (of making this choice without checking with you) or whether she dismisses your concerns as nonsense. The former, she deserves a second chance but if she's dismissive then she's going to trample all over your boundaries.

This. I don’t have kids but this stands out…

I used to leave my then 8 year old home for 15 minutes or so while I ran to get youngest from nursery sometimes. But the difference is that I'm the parent and I can make that call about my child's maturity and the safety of the home and the circumstances. The point is though that she was 'babysitting' and only had one job for a few hours which was to look after the child. It's different than being a parent who has a child 24/7 with no time to do anything without said child. If you are looking after someone's child, you look after them which means you either take them out with you or you delay your trip until later/the next day and do it in all your other child-free time.

🙄🙄🙄

@katepilar It was 22 years ago, get over yourself.

Fourteen years, but the sentiment remains. 🙄

At 8, I'd leave mine for 5-10 minutes while I walked local errands like school drop-off for the other child because they were happier to stay at home than to come out with me. For context, at 8, they can be on Cub/ Brownie camp and be free-range for a few hours with light supervision in a closed environment- there are adults avaliable at the activities/ pitch, but not constant monitoring at an individual level.

Leaving children is a gradual process of building up time and distance. Training them to know what to do if there's an issue.

It's not a decision to be made by someone who is looking after them for a limited period without consulting parents. Each child's readiness is individual.

When I'm looking after other peoples' children, I'm accountable to their parents and not just my own concience.