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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL left DC home alone

95 replies

Homealoneokornot · 12/07/2023 21:13

My MIL left DC age 8 home alone today while she went out in her car on a completely non-essential errand (she was looking after DC while DH & me were working 70 miles away). There was no reason why she couldn’t have taken DC with her, and she didn’t tell us she’d done this. DC told us later, I verified with MIL whose justification was ‘they said they’d be fine alone in the house and I was only gone for 15 mins’ (the place she went to is definitely further than a 15 min round drive, so I’m guessing she was out for more like 30 mins).

Now I know the chances of something having happened to DC in the time she was away was slim and that yes, DC was fine, however we’ve never left them alone before and think they are too young. DC also didn’t have a phone so no way of contacting anyone if MIL hadn’t come back when expected.

I’m aghast that MIL though this was ok but I need some perspective please. AIBU to be really bloody annoyed about this?

OP posts:
AnnesBrokenSlate · 12/07/2023 21:46

I wouldn't let her watch DC again. There's no point having a big argument about it. She assesses risk differently from you. That isn't going to change. You just need to make other arrangements.
I never let MIL watch our DC because she had a similar cavalier approach to safety and risk. Luckily DH agreed with me.

truthhurts23 · 12/07/2023 21:49

personaly wouldnt do it but shes from a differet generation where that was ok
i was left alone even younger than that

truthhurts23 · 12/07/2023 21:50

personally different**

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 21:51

DrSbaitso

Would congratulate her.

bibbingo · 12/07/2023 21:52

Gosh YANBU I'd be fuming! Poor DC. What if MIL had had a car accident?! I agree you shouldn't leave DC with her in future.

FraterculaArctica · 12/07/2023 21:54

I leave my just-turned-9 year old alone in the house for 15 min periods if I have to pop out elsewhere in the village (not if going beyond the village). But that is absolutely mine and DH's call to make and I would be furious if a GP did the same thing. (GPs in our case have a long history of poor risk assessment re DC safety).

One issue in your case is that your DC was in their house if I understood correctly? So possibly doesn't know local area so well or have friends' houses theh could head for in an emergency?

ARRGHHHHHxxxxx · 12/07/2023 21:55

Nah I'd be fuming and that would be the last time she would be looking after my child! I have a 9 year old and I don't like leaving her on her own in the flat when I go and put the bins out! We're in a block of flats so it's not like it's outside my front door.

Saschka · 12/07/2023 21:57

I was left at that age (with a younger DBro). I wouldn’t leave DS, but I can see why she might have thought it was ok.

If this is the first time she has done something like this, I’d sit down and talk to her. If she does this kind of thing a lot (judgement radically different to yours) then just stop her minding him.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 12/07/2023 22:07

I was on my own sometimes waiting for DP to get in from work. There was a high profile murder case on the news at the time and I was terrified, especially if someone rang the bell. Wouldn't answer but scared incase they got in.
Don't leave your child with MIL. It's not worth the risk.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/07/2023 22:07

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 12/07/2023 21:35

Yes, I remember being adamant I wanted to stay home at about 10 when DPs went food shopping. They didn't really want to leave me but I convinced them I would be fine and just watch TV.

I then spent the entire time they were out sitting staring out the front window hoping they came back soon and jumping at every creak I heard.

My almost 7 yo panicked about where I was the other day when I said 'I'm just going outside to get x from the shed' and was gone for about 4 minutes during which I was in full view of the window. Come back in 'muuuummm! Where were you!? I was scaaareeed!'

Show quote history

To be fair, that reaction is a bit extreme. A NT 6 year old should be able to be left for 4 mins wtihout having that kind of panicky reaction.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/07/2023 22:09

OP, it wasn't her call to make, she should have called you to ask you.

Ellie1015 · 12/07/2023 22:10

I might leave my very sensible 8 year old home alone for a short time. I would never leave someone else's child. Maybe for an older child who desperately didnt want to come but i would ask parents first.

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/07/2023 22:13

Wow, not on at all. And I’m quite laid back. What else is she doing/not doing that she’s not telling you? I would not be leaving my kid with her again!

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 12/07/2023 22:15

Presumably your DH has now told her she was bang out of order and that is never, ever to happen again?

wholivesondrurylane · 12/07/2023 22:16

She's seeing herself as a guardian family member, not the babysitter that she is.

8 years old can be old enough to stay home alone for less than 1 hour, but there should be talks about what to do if the door bell rings, how to phone the parent etc. It seems she had done none of it, which is not on.

Luana1 · 12/07/2023 22:22

Bloody hell, I wonder what other reckless things she's done in the past that you don't know about!

Whiskeypowers · 12/07/2023 22:24

At least you now know you can never trust her in any capacity ever again.

Irridescantshimmmer · 12/07/2023 22:24

Ewwwwwww thats atrocious.

It used to happen in the 1970s and even then it was seen as neglect but now-a-days it closer to abandonment

MisspentGenXYouth · 12/07/2023 22:26

I grew up as a latchkey kid where your parents would leave you alone and unsupervised all day without thinking twice about it. Did she bring up your DH the same way? If so she might see it as no big deal. Depending on where she lives and how your child felt about it you might want to leave him with someone else until he gets old enough to feel comfortable looking after himself. My son at that age would have been terrified but my daughter would have loved it.

DNAwrangler · 12/07/2023 22:26

If you don’t want her to do this then explain. If she’s the sort who listens. It was probably fine in her day (and would be totally fine in the country where I live).

bit dramatic to instantly ‘never let her have DC again’ as lots of people suggest. I mean, she’s doing you a favour that you presumably need. And, one day you’ll be the grandma and might need some understanding rather than instant dismissal.

Echobelly · 12/07/2023 22:27

I'm all for independence, but that is your choice to make, not MIL's. I probably started leaving kids alone at that age for a trip to the corner shop or quick trip to supermarket over the road, so between 2-15 minutes, but this is too much all at once and without your permission. And for no good reason.

Waxdrip · 12/07/2023 22:27

I think that leaving a sensible 8 year old for a short time is potentially OK. What's not OK is not checking with you first. You wouldn"t be unreasonable to discuss this with her.

TomatoSandwiches · 12/07/2023 22:30

Even if it was something she did in her day there is still no excuse to decide this is OK with anyone but your own children.
The fact that it was completely unnecessary as well is shocking, no need.

She wouldn't have mine alone again until I deemed them old enough to not be reliant on her poor judgement making skills to keep them safe.

What does your DH think btw.

Upwiththelark76 · 12/07/2023 22:31

Yes . Start paying for child care from now on .

Wigglewigglewitch · 12/07/2023 22:31

A 10 year old with access to a phone or Alexa etc they can make a call on in an emergency would be my threshold. 8 is too young for this imo.