Cancelled plans due to ill DH

[stayflufft]

AIBU? Had long standing plans booked today - leaving before kids drop off at school and getting back after their bedtime.

DH said yesterday afternoon that he was getting a sore throat. Thought no more of it until this morning when he woke me up at 5 going downstairs to get paracetamol. He said he felt like death and ‘the worst he’s ever felt’. Temperature at a textbook 36.4. He then says he very much doubts he can look after the kids today - they were out of the house from 8am-5pm.

I cancelled my trip, worked all day instead and did drop off, pick up, tea and I’ll do bath and bed.

DH is limping around the house after spending all day in bed.

I have been called unsympathetic and horrible by him today. I was upset at missing my day out - if I had felt the same way and he had plans I would have just popped a few nurofen and cracked on with it (as I do, and have done, on many occasions).

AIBU? Am I a horrible person? Or is anyone else with small children and very little time to themselves similarly irritated when their partners are ‘ill’.

He sabotaged you. I’d be fuming. I bet he has form for this sort of little trick.

I think he did too. I feel like he’s been controlling and manipulative. When I said I wouldn’t go he immediately sounded better.

Does he have form for this though?

YANBU. I’d be fuming. He’s an adult and a parent - sometimes you just have to get on with it. All this for a sore throat…

I think there has been at least one other occasion yes - not illness related, just a general kind of helplessness that I find infuriating.

Also - sorry, not to drip feed, but the last three times I’ve been out with friends he has called me asking for help or advice with the kids. Three times over the last 6 months.

This. Bit coincidental
lsnt it. Does he take time off work to have the kids if you’re home ill?

It’s context and history with issues like these.

I would never sabotage DH or vice versa. We support each other and care for each other all the time.

If he told me he couldn’t I’d believe him and it would be a non issue.

The fact you’re unsympathetic says more about the relationship than anything else. You don’t believe him, you feel he’s a shirker and that he’s manipulative.

That’s your real issue.

That’s pathetic. Rearrange something now and tell him it won’t be cancelled for minor Illnesses and you won’t respond to message that are non-urgent.

You are better than me. I would have said ah well never mind I have to work when I have a sore throat I am sure you will cope, after all what would you do if I am not around any more and gone ahead with my plans

instead you caved, which is just what he wants

YABU to have cancelled your trip. Why didn’t you go?

Yeah he doesn’t want the kids on his own so he’s “ill”

I definitely wouldn’t have cancelled the trip. He would have complained either way. Next time 100% go and leave him to it.

I hope you arrange another day out asap so he can prove that it wasn't a ruse. Be interesting to see how he feels tomorrow won't it?

Sounds like he needs far more practice at being sole parent

🤬

I think in a way I wanted him to feel bad that I hadn’t gone. I realise this is unhealthy and also somewhat manipulative on my part! I’m booking a day out with friends for a few weeks time and this time I won’t be cancelling!

I think it is good to recognise your own behaviour as unhelpful. It was passive aggressive and being assertive who’d have meant you would have got to go and have fun. we all fall prey to that though..: just plan ahead for next time and maybe talk to him about the pattern you’ve noticed in his behaviour.

Definitely book the day out again and see what happens. Agree with PP that you have to go off history and he sounds like he sabotages you. Eg, I'm normally the one pushing through everything so if I'm laid up, even at an inconvenient time, DH knows it's genuine, you should be able to trust your partner and he sounds like he's messed with that trust.

That really is manipulative of you, but it’s backfired on you because it clearly didn’t work.

What did you do or say that led to you being called horrible and unsympathetic?

More fool you then. You should have just gone, now you both sound silly.

I agree with this post. He has form for sabotaging your days out and it sounds as though you have form for playing the martyr and giving in to it. Don’t do that next time and simply ignore his messages while you’re out unless it’s an emergency.

I didn’t put my arm around him and ask him if he was ok. I also said I really wanted to go ahead with my plans and that if I had a sore throat I would take a nurofen and carry on.

Just to say - another reason I stayed home is that he said he didn’t know how he would feel around pick up time and we had no available family members to help out today, so I was concerned about being far away from my kids if they really needed me.

I’d be hopping mad. For me, unless you are covered in blood, projectile vomiting, unconscious or with a broken limb, you crack on!

strikes me as selfish and manipulative, not to mention jealous