A child turning into a successful adult...

[justpushingthrough]

Bear with me here.

Husband and I were chatting on holiday as you do, we have both came from very good backgrounds, went to good schools, both were smart and were brought up in an excellent area yet we both have average jobs. ( never went to uni)

And by average jobs i just mean not really a career, just work, go home get paid type of thing.

I dont know if this is the reason we perhaps want our kids to know what they want to do/be and also go to university but yes we know this is a type if "in an ideal world" situation.

We spoke about maybe creating more boundaries around homework and when they go to high school.

Oldest (10) wants to be a vet since 2 years old, we know how disciplined she (and we) will need to be in order to get the grades, youngest 2 arent sure yet which is fine as still loads of time.

So my question is, what have people done/put in place to ensure their children are focused in their education and working to their highest potential.

Hopeful Bump

Offer a quiet place to study.
Be interested (most schools have parent portals these days) in school work and homework.
Provide "stuff" e.g. stationary and access to a printer
Try to include extra activities that link to school curriculum.
Offer advice and scaffolding if asked, but don't try to dictate

(This last one is the most important)
Accept your child is not you and their dreams and ways of working are not yours. And that ultimately it's their choice whether or not to work and how hard to work.
Many adults do not work to their "highest potential". Sometimes "good enough" is genuinely good enough.

A child will not become a successful adult if they have let their parents dictate their childhood. That comes from making mistakes and learning from them, and following their own path.

Quite honestly we supported our DDs to take whatever path they wanted to. They were well supported in terms of having a quiet space and the right tools to do their school work, we were always interested in their studies and helped if they asked. They had outside interests too so they could be well rounded. Nothing was forced on them and it seems they were both very self motivated when it counted. If they complained about homework etc they were told that they should discuss with their teacher why they didn't want to/hadn't done the work. This seemed to do the trick and it was always done. Also knowing what makes each individual child tick and using this wisely is a good way forward. One of mine was motivated by money/treats. The other was motivated by good marks and praise from teachers. It also shifts and changes over time so flexibility rather than rigidity in thinking is a good tactic.

Both my children are adults both went to university and did very well. We never pushed them or had strict rules about how much homework they did i think that can be counter productive some of their friends who did have 'pushy parents did much less well as you cant make anyone engage if they don't want to, it has to come from them. Otherwise it becomes a battle.
However we always took an interest in their school work. if they were doing a project we helped them get the information they needed, by either buying or borrowing the books, helping them research, talking to them about it etc. We had a house full of books, and we both read for pleasure. We were also very engaged with the school, knew who all their teachers were, who taught which subject etc. We made it clear that we valued learning. Also just as importantly we took an interest in their interests and let them study the subjects they wanted to study.

Its a way of life I think. I'm WC from a deprived area. My parents were very intelligent and quite academically able, even though their life chances meant that wasn't reflected in their jobs. It was reflected in my home life though and what I was exposed to. I rarely saw either parent without a book in their hand. Documentaries were watched on TV and discussed. Days out were to museums and galleries. My dad played piano by ear, but taught me and sent me to lessons. As a result I ended up one of the few in my year who went to uni. I brought my DC up similarly. Not making a big formal thing about study, just leading by example I suppose because I enjoy it, and making it part of our family culture. They have achieved excellent results and are performing well in their chosen fields.

I reminded my kids every time we did something they enjoyed that we could do so because I manage to earn a good income. Even being able to enjoy food that are not essential.

I think it's more about showing them the impact of a lower income on every day life appropriate for their age. As they got older, we talked how although money is not everything and their focus should be doing a job they enjoy and brings them a sense of worthiness, that money also helps a lot leading a life with less stressors.

This is all great to know as we arent "pushy" and really dont want to be breathing down their neck but do want to instill a good decent work ethic and want them to know you need to work hard if you want something.

Our kids have a good balanced life at the moment, i dont agree with primary school homework unless its projects or solo talks( this will of course change in secondary) and they are heavily involved in a competitive sport.

Husband and I have jobs too, not careers, both went to Uni. He only went to college and Uni a few years ago (when we were already married with kids) ,it was hard but he managed to finish. He feels his parents never encouraged him to have a higher education, whilst it was the opposite for me. He wants the kids to go to Uni whilst I think uni is not necessarily synonym of a good career/high wages. Most importantly I want the kids to be financially literate, clever with their money. They can decide what lifestyle they want or if they want a career or would prefer having a business or a trade. And why not mix and match...I want them to feel they can change their minds and try different things. And that there are always ways to make money...

I’d advise encouraging them and finding as many opportunities to get them into opportunities early on to think about the full breath and expansiveness of the many options out there in the world of work. Too many children and young people get well into their teens (and indeed beyond) with very little knowledge about the career options open to them. They know the usual suspects that we all learn about as toddlers: doctor, nurse, hairdresser, vet, teacher, lawyer, childcare worker, plumber, police officer etc, and often think that this is what they aspire to because it’s all they know about; but those aren’t the jobs that most people actually end up doing, and they aren’t necessarily where your children’s talents and skills really lie; and too many young people end up disillusioned by this and becoming rudderless.

Talk to them about the insurance industry, about marketing, about ESG, brand development, social research; find ways to provoke an interest in cyber, in compliance, what’s meant by business administration, social housing strategic development, what a pension is and why they’re so important. Talk to them about the actual application of what they’re learning at school and why it’s relevant: the reality that not many people go on to make a living out of knowing stuff about the Romans, but that’s not the only reason we study history; and that maths has many more practical usages beyond the sort of slightly nebulous questions about measuring the diameter of a pizza on an exam paper.

Learning and education is at its most useful when they really grasp why they’re learning what they’re learning and thinking into the future about what really interests them and what they can do.

We have been very clear with our children that ultimately, a high paid job is going to lead to an easier/better life. And to earn a higher salary, you need to choose paths that will lead to those jobs.

I'm sure people will come along as say money doesn't equal happiness, but I think we all know it's easier to not worry about money than to worry about money.

Honestly all you can do is talk to them and explain that they'll only get out what they put in. You can take a horse to water and all that! I definitely encouraged them, and talked to them about what they might like to do post school, and told them they could be whatever they wanted to be if they put the work in.

When they were younger I would have a look at their homework diary, ask if they'd done what was needed but that was about it. I always supported them and was around to read through things and offer help if required but they have to want to do it to do well I think.

As they got older (teens) I just made sure they got decent sleep and fed them well. They were both quite self motivated by that point and just got on with things.

As well as the education side of things, you need to nurture the social aspect too. Most people I know who have done well and are successful have bucket loads of personality and confidence.

Ultimately it's up to them. You can support them all you want, provide the most equitable of settings, all the books, equipment and encouragement possible but they still have to want to learn, you can't make them.

I told my two that education = choice, and that by accessing and engaging with education they are likely to earn more money and more money also = choice. They both did 6th form and Uni.

DS1 is a coaster, has no idea what he wants to do with his life, isn't motivated by money or possessions, does his job and enjoys it but is definitely not career orientated.

DS2 is focussed, is about to do a masters degree, knows exactly where he wants to be and how to get there, wants to earn as much as possible and get to the top of his chosen field.

All you can do is give them the tools and support. The rest is up to them.

Teach them social skills. Most important thing ever!

Create confident, robust children by encouraging participation and (age appropriate) risk. Learn to fail and more importantly to keep going. Their attitudes and dispositions are the basis for any type of knowledge and learning to sit on.

Value their interests and encourage them to work very hard, and be an example to them with your actions not your words.

Link things you say and do to their learning, and have discussions eat together and talk about things, say wildly crazy ideas and ask for challenge. Get them thinking and expressing themselves.

Feel free to roll your eyes at me, but I can’t resist the urge to make the point that having a career and earning lots is not what makes somebody a “successful adult”.

I know so many professional people who are hot messes, and so many wonderful well-adjusted people with ‘jobs’.

We have been very clear with our children that ultimately, a high paid job is going to lead to an easier/better life. And to earn a higher salary, you need to choose paths that will lead to those jobs.

I think this is difficult though as there is so much competition, salaries in many industries have stagnated & then balancing how if they don't get the amazing job how will they feel.

I think encouraging them to be curious, confident, able to deal with failure, and good at getting along with people are more important than a degree these days. University is one route to success, but learning a trade or doing a professional apprenticeship can also be a sensible path to take. I've told my teenagers that if they don't have a career in mind or a real interest in a particular academic subject, they might be better off looking at entry level jobs in an area they like the look of and then studying with a clear goal in a year or two once they know what they really want to do for work rather than doing a random degree just for the sake of it.

I left school at 15, very few qualifications to speak of. My parents never pushed me at school. But I'm a hard worker and wanted my children to be the same. I was a single parent from when they were small. I tried to make sure that school always came first. Work had to be done before they could play or watch TV. They were never bought things just because they wanted them. Any presents that weren't given for Christmas or birthdays were as rewards for doing something or working hard. They didn't get a lot of pocket money from me so they both got part time jobs as soon as they were old enough and earned their own money. They've both done well, are hard workers, and earn more money than I could have ever dreamed of earning.

Yes has that poster ever done a “high paid job?!”

I have and not all jobs but for big money it’s likely to be it’s bloody hard and incredibly stressful - they want their pound of flesh. Chap in next office to me at our Magic Circke law firm dropped dead at 42 of a heart attack.

It depends what you mean by a successfu adult l really
If you only measure success by high educational achievers who.are in high paid jobs than anything average or less you will be disappointed in.

To a large extent you lead by example - your children are far more influenced by what you do than what you say. I work and my wage is essential to the family. My girls always knew they were going to have to work for a living, so neither of them considered going to University for the sake of it, they both focussed on degree choices linked to employment.

One was an academic high flyer and now has a well paid job in tech. The other was less academically driven and went into nursing - low pay and hard work, but guaranteed employment. I am wildly proud of both of them.

I think we were always supportive, happy to discuss options and provided space for and prioritise time to do homework. Exams and study were treated as significant and important, but not the be all and end all. But ultimately, you have to let them find there own way in life - not everyone can or wants to be a high flier.

I went to a shite school in a deprived area in the 90s and my parents never once attended a school parents evening or bothered reading my school reports. I had no textbooks, no help with spellings and nobody ever read to me. I wasn't encouraged to write or read. They were both clever but couldn't be arsed with my education. They're proud of their clever grandchildren (especially my nephew!) but they still see no fault with their own parenting. It really pisses me off!

Now I'm a parent. We have structure and enthusiasm. We learn together and we buy 2nd hand text books from eBay. DC are doing amazingly. But most importantly we're proud of our careers and DC are proud of us too. They can see we work hard and Im sure they'll have great work ethic.

They're still young but whatever happens for them in their careers I'll know that we did our best for them.

I would also focus less on earning potential but choosing a career that's future proof and recession proof.

I'm only 35 and I've been through several redundancies. If only someone encouraged me to have a more sensible career 😂

It sounds like by success you mean finding a job that they are truly interested in. I think by paying attention to their interests and having fun with it you will do better than being strict about homework. For example, making sure your future vet has lots of animal encounters, books about animals etc. If you notice grades slipping in high school, deal with that then. But if your child is excited about being a vet and you think they have the brains to do it, they should try hard naturally knowing that good grades = opportunities. If they don't try hard despite knowing the consequences, you will need to get to the bottom of it. Maybe their goals changed, maybe there are social things going on, maybe they need help looking up tricky concepts online. It's all a conversation, rather than an enforcement of study time.

It sounds like by success you mean finding a job that they are truly interested in. I think by paying attention to their interests and having fun with it you will do better than being strict about homework yes I 100% agree with this! Find their loves and go with it. Our DC loves science and nature. So we spend our time in nature and at the science museum / events and doing experiments at home (which is funny because I often learn science at the same pace as them. My science knowledge is very basic!)

It's quite fun to learn together!