A child turning into a successful adult...

[justpushingthrough]

Bear with me here.

Husband and I were chatting on holiday as you do, we have both came from very good backgrounds, went to good schools, both were smart and were brought up in an excellent area yet we both have average jobs. ( never went to uni)

And by average jobs i just mean not really a career, just work, go home get paid type of thing.

I dont know if this is the reason we perhaps want our kids to know what they want to do/be and also go to university but yes we know this is a type if "in an ideal world" situation.

We spoke about maybe creating more boundaries around homework and when they go to high school.

Oldest (10) wants to be a vet since 2 years old, we know how disciplined she (and we) will need to be in order to get the grades, youngest 2 arent sure yet which is fine as still loads of time.

So my question is, what have people done/put in place to ensure their children are focused in their education and working to their highest potential.

I could have written this. Model the values you would like them to aspire to - life-long learning, love of culture and reading, open mindedness and empathy (and room for fun and well-being) etc. Give them ‘good soil’ and they’ll do the rest themselves.

The longest running academic study in the world run by Harvard was on attainment.

One indicated outcome was children doing chores. Learning putting something in means getting something out of life.

DH had a privileged upbringing, I didn’t, both academic and met at work. My motivation was I didn’t want to be poor, worked three jobs at school and went to uni as a mature student. I did a lot of chores at home.

One thing about success that is hard to discuss are personalities. We always had temps and interns at work. All of them were clever but their personalities, some were just going to have an easier ride in life.

DH is quieter but very personable, DS and I are very chameleon like as my DH puts it and it’s easy for us to get people to feel at ease from all walks of life. We can talk to anyone and find common ground. It’s seen me through life.

Making sure he has a healthy self esteem. Most people I know didn’t succeed because they were too afraid to try.

Take them to visit a university, many have self guided tours or even student ambassadors who will show you around. Let them see the exciting independent life that lies ahead of them so they can visualise the goal and understand what their grades really mean. Let them know that if they are the brightest in a fairly unacademic class that they will be in competition with others who are bright like them for uni places.

Interesting question OP.

I tried to highlight to my DC that better qualifications and experiences would bring them more options. I emphasised this because I knew they would likely change their minds many times about what they wanted to do with their lives.

English Maths and Science are clearly non negotiable if you want to progress in anything, so at your DC age, it’s fine to just focus on those subjects, and let DC try out everything else available at senior school to see how it fits and suits their interests and talents.

I was very wary of directing DC too much, as my eldest has a tendency to blame me for anything that goes wrong. So by the time we were looking at university and degree choices, I supported her with visits etc but commented very little about my own preferences.

I must have done something right as they have both done well, DS got into Cambridge and has a job that’s the envy of all his friends.

If you have times when you feel you have little energy to spend on this, just encourage them to read. Read anything. It makes the biggest difference overall.

Definitely don't be pushy. If they want to go to uni, have a specific career etc., it's up to them to work for it. Obviously support, show a interest, make sure they know you're available to help. Encourage other interests and hobbies, get outside in the fresh air and provide a healthy home environment. And never be disappointed in them, it's so damaging.

My kids will be encouraged to do a job that makes them happy and gives them a sense of purpose regardless of salary. Also they don’t need to pick one thing by an imaginary deadline, nor do they need to do the same job their entire adult life. It really depends on your definition of success.

Do every careers exploration thing they'll tolerate. They can't be what they can't see, so exposure to all types of real jobs is vital. Doctors, nurses and teachers, police and astronauts is what toddlers can come up with.
Few children dream of a career in biosciences or aeronautical engineering or quantity surveying or marketing, but they are all real career options.

Work ethic.

Homework, research and reading comes first in our house before all else, it does not matter what else is going on we ensure education comes absolutely first.

We socialise in the holidays and the children are socially confident, we don’t socialise around any exams or leading up.

We have taught our children how to focus and concentrate on the topic at hand, academically able parents are very useful and can be instrumental.

Making time to relax is essential in the modern world, poor mental health or burn out is a result of being over stretched.

Unconditional positive regard and love got your kids. Goes without saying but you would nd amazed to knot the number of parents I know that very much have conditions - expectations attached.

**for
** be

Your kids will be what they will be. If they will be driven academically, or not, is something you can't do a single thing about. Sounds like you are providing a happy and stable home- that's all you can do. I always loved school, was very driven, and now have a great career. My sibling despised school, left at 16 and now has an equally great career performing with some of the greatest bands of our era. My son also despises school despite my best efforts. Just relax, let them tell you who they wanna be and support them.

We are in a nice area and dc at a grammar.
Most of peers seem to play an instrument and/or do a sport to a decent level. Not forcing them but the you’ve signed up for it you need to go not miss because you can’t be bothered.
Most do Scouts/Guides or another similar type hobby. My Guides have been to fire station this year, talk from police and pcso, visited Houses of Parliament, army leadership day where they met officer cadets who are uni students, had a talk from a nurse, visited local archives.
Volunteering from age 14 ish. One of benefits they get to know other volunteers and what jobs they do.
Many do Duke of Edinburgh.
Parenting still quite hands on with older teens I know so taking to activities, visiting uni open days with them, helping organise work experience.
Days out to museums, shows etc.
City visits and getting them confident using public transport.
Chatting (car good for this) eg x at works daughter gone for a degree apprenticeship.
Seeing you go for extra qualifications and apply for jobs.
Attending school parent talks.
Obviously it’s their life and their decisions but the most successful in dc’s peer group seem to have parents thinking one step ahead and able to help guide.
Not mollycoddling and doing for them but being supportive.

@Dixiechickonhols agree with all that, but particularly the public transport. I used to take my (small town raised) DC into London a few times a year, and got them from an early age to plan the tube route and take responsibility for getting us all to the destination. At 18 DS had an interview in London for a placement and went off confidently. His friend who had the same on a different day, turned it down because he was too worried about how he'd get there. Sometimes the little things make a big difference.

All the obvious... Support without being pushy, be interested, expect them to do their best, provide the right conditions to study, talk to them about careers, salaries, how much living a decent lifestyle costs etc...

But also let them see you continue to learn, not saying you should start a degree! But let them see you be interested in reading, documentaries, politics, a short course in a craft you enjoy, reaching how to do a diy thing, etc

Also encourage them to develop themselves in a rounded way. It's no use having a PhD in astrophysics if you're too scared to put yourself out there/speak to a group of people.
Interests and clubs where you preform to an audience build so much self confidence and esteem that are essential to being successful at whatever job they choose. Drama, dance, choir, band, debate etc

We come from a background where very few went to uni.
my uncle left after a year and went onto invent something that made him a lot of money and still does.
my brother is a ceo of a tech company and got 2 A levels.
my husband left school with 1 gcse in art and now runs a very successful property company.
my brother in law left school with 2 GCSEs and is now a ceo of a tech company with a multimillion ££ investment and is a millionaire.
all then rebelled, they all did the usual drinking, smoking etc as young adults/teens.
i know plenty of privately educated university leavers who are doing absolutely nothing with their lives.
it’s about drive, motivation and ambition and not always about education. Education might get you a £60k a year salary perhaps but it won’t make you a millionaire.

I wanted my child to be a well-rounded and compassionate adult with a good set of values, comfortable in their own skin who didn't judge success by someone's income, looks or profession.
While education is important too much focus on uni and a good career can be a bad thing.

Support but don't push them
into your dreams. MN is the only place I've ever come across this obsession with DCs education, teens not allowed out/pt jobs as everything is about exams.
Being young is so fleeting and we should allow them to enjoy their youth without the expectations of parents weighing on them.
3 of my 4 are at/have been to university, chose their own subjects and courses throughout school/uni and are thriving decent adults.
No enforced study rules, they knew if they didn't do the necessary work they'd fail and that was their responsibility.
Let them find their own way, uni isn't for everyone.

Neither my husband or I didn't particularly well at school, with no A Levels so didn't go to university. We have both managed to have good career jobs. He did 25 years in the military working his way up the ranks and is 10 years into his current career. I've been in my career over 26 years and have worked my way up through the grades and completed additional studies during that time. Having a career will depend on what type of work you look for and the companies you work for.

@Sdpbody Yes and No. I agree it's great not to have money worries, but I was steered into a well paid role that I hated. Then changed direction and love what i do now, although I earn a bit less than before

My mantra is that current children and young people may be working for 50 years, so it's extra important for them to choose a role they enjoy

I come from a very working class background and was the first in my family to go to Uni. My parents made it feel like a very natural and easy step.

They didn't understand anything about careers or the application process but they did value education. They made sure I had the things (ie literal objects, books, pens, text books etc) I needed and the time/space to do what I needed to do. They took an interest, paid for school trips, went to parents evening, listened to what the teachers said, asked me about my results (all of them, not just exams).

That was it really. No special cultural effort, no piano at home, very few theatre visits, no gallery visits, occasionally went to the local museum.

The best you can do is love them, be there for them, provide them with support.

The key thing is what they want to do is their choice, not yours.
Helping them find what they want and helping them get their is where you can come in. Also if they don't know, that's fine, and giving them general setup so they have more doors open later in life also helps.

I would say exposing them to lots of different careers and ideas and life options is a great idea. If someone can see something they actually want to to, they will try harder for it.

Giving them a quiet place and materials to study.
I think being encouraging rather than discipline is key.
Ie if you want them to do well in gcses, actually ask them how they would like help.

Maybe some way of rewarding them for homework or study.

Also helping getting them to get a part time job is so valuable! When you go to uni and you want to get a placement it really helps to have worked a bit.
It also helps build up money management and awareness. Which can then feed into motivation for wanting a better job! And going after goals.

Also getting your kid qualified so they can do a well paid part time job whilst at uni instead of something that pays minimum wage is a great help.
There will be lots out there. But some of my friends for instance did lifeguarding, or sports instructions and got paid way more than the people that worked in shops or bars.

At school, kids need their parents on their side.
If you ask them what they need to succeed. And how you can help them.
That in turn will help them starting thinking for themselves and what they can do!

I think its all about encouragement rather than rules and rigidness.

If someone said hey ill give you £100 if you get an a in a gcse vs if you don't do your homework you're grounded this weekend. There's definitely one that will be more motivating and also help Foster a better relationship.

Teenagers tend to rebel against parents, so if you try forcing them to do something there's a good chance they'll do the opposite.

There’s a happy medium between “not minimum wage” and “millionaire investment banker”. I’d want my child to aim for “adequately well paid”.

You might try to persuade your child away from a career as eg an actor or veterinary nurse, because they will probably struggle for money. That doesn’t mean shoehorning them into being a doctor or a lawyer if they aren’t that way inclined.

DBro wanted to be a snowboard instructor, and actually did work as one for several years before deciding to resit his A levels and do engineering at university. He was sick of having no money, eating a lot of ramen, and living hand to mouth in crappy accommodation, and that was affecting his enjoyment of what was actually his “dream job”.

Now works in advertising, and is much happier with his lot. Not his childhood dream job at all, but still enjoys it most of the time. Obviously in an ideal world he’d spend all day snowboarding while also having enough money for a nice house, car and meals out, but that is now a plan for early retirement.

We can have all the ideals and ideas I the world but our children are not us

Why can parents not accept having children doesn't mean you own them, or they are an extension and are not clay to be shaped

Really unsure where in my post alluded to the fact i wanted to control my children.

What i want to do is provide them with the best environment for them to flourish in THEIR education at THEIR own personal level and reach THEIR own potential.