A child turning into a successful adult...

[justpushingthrough]

Bear with me here.

Husband and I were chatting on holiday as you do, we have both came from very good backgrounds, went to good schools, both were smart and were brought up in an excellent area yet we both have average jobs. ( never went to uni)

And by average jobs i just mean not really a career, just work, go home get paid type of thing.

I dont know if this is the reason we perhaps want our kids to know what they want to do/be and also go to university but yes we know this is a type if "in an ideal world" situation.

We spoke about maybe creating more boundaries around homework and when they go to high school.

Oldest (10) wants to be a vet since 2 years old, we know how disciplined she (and we) will need to be in order to get the grades, youngest 2 arent sure yet which is fine as still loads of time.

So my question is, what have people done/put in place to ensure their children are focused in their education and working to their highest potential.

I also think if you parents own a house & if they can help you on the ladder is more important for future success than income in most cases for todays kids

This is exactly what i mean.

If they work towards a career they want then ill be happy whatever that may be, i dont want them looking back like me and my husband thinking our parents, whilst loving, didnt put much effort or importance on education and career.

Encourage study.

My father is a vet and it’s very competitive to get into think there’s only 8 vet schools in the country. He put his life on hold a from 16-18 to get into uni, lots of study. And need to study chemistry and biology plus maths/physics so hard subjects.

That discipline then rubbed off on me and there was definitely and expectation from my parents that I would be academic. To support they did the following:

• set up a study space in the lounge for me where it was quiet and gave me a space separate to my bedroom - there was another tv room people could use if they wanted to chill somewhere
• Paid for a private tutor in maths, they did the same for my brother but in biology
• invested a lot of their own time going through school stuff with me particularly practicing verbal exam for French and German and then science stuff which obviously my dad was very good at - tbh I think this bit was vital as it’s only when you talk through subjects that you realise how much you know
• were potentially a bit more strict than other parents for example I went to some sixth form parties but wasn’t allowed to go out weekly like some of my friends did

Im grateful to my parents now as at age 30 I’ve got a degree, professional qualification and in a very well paid job. Yes I worked hard from age 16-29 to get here but I’ve not got the rest of my life ahead of me to be a bit more chilled about life.

Well, can I ask how neither of you went to uni given the backgrounds you outline?

I think a lot depends on each individual child and their personality. Sometimes giving your kids everything and making life as easy as possible for them to focus on their studies isn’t a good thing. I personally think every sixteen year old should have a Saturday job on minimum wage so they can see and appreciate how hard people have to work for very little money.

I think it all boils down the the individual at the end of the day. You can give them the tools to succeed, but the rest is up to them. Of my siblings, one is educated to Masters level with top grades, I have two bachelors and start my Masters next year. Both registered healthcare professionals. Of my other siblings, one only did GCSE's but has always had reasonably paid, comfortable jobs. Not career motivated but has always worked full time. The other no education, always worked in minimum wage jobs, has no work ethic. All had the same upbringing.

We feel the same - actually we have done well (didn't go to Uni, but got jobs that lead to our own business and our children now go to leading prep/senior private schools), however if we couldn't afford that, then i have no doubt of the sort of things that we'd doing.

As well as them going to school, we ferry them around to choir, cricket etc (only things that they love) and we really support them learning wise. Lot of apps, motivation, reiterating how important it is to work hard and achieve your aims.

I've learnt to always be looking forward - my second will be going for a drama scholarship in 2 years - i've already booked her in to drama classes and started taking her to plays and musicals and make sure that i take photos and she takes notes ready for her drama portfolio.

In our shoes, the one that wants to be a vet - i'd find a local animal charity and ask if they want volunteers and i'd start looking now at the GCSE's that she'll need and start doing a lot of extra work with her. I do about 40 mins every morning with DD3 - writing, maths, learning continents etc.

It all sounds very regimented, but it's really not as they love doing well and all their extra curriculum stuff is what they love doing.

That is so true.

Interesting thread. I’ve never really thought about it. Dd at uni, another dd planning to soon.

All of ours were strong academically, this was evident at a young age. Dd struggled at maths at one point, so we paid for private tuition because she needed a certain result in maths.

House full of books. Like others, each dc has their own quiet study space (desk and chair in bedroom).
From an early stage, I sat with them to do homework. They had tests every Friday, I asked them their spellings and times tables the night before.
We showed interest in their school - I always knew who taught what, what topic they were covering in X subject, etc. Mostly just because that’s what interests us (eg Yeats in English). Plants in biology, A certain war in history. I then would have bought extra revision books and dd would have done online revision courses.

They both use duolingo (?) app for languages.

I’d like to think there was never any pressure to succeed. I hope not. Although we always did reward and celebrate their results and achievements.

I think encouraging and appreciating their strengths is important. My DS is very academics, good at STEM subjects and interested in them. My DD isn’t academic, has complex learning needs but is caring, compassionate and interested in people. We make sure we communicate how much we value both of their natural abilities/qualities and try to build on those.

Both parents have a strong work ethic and try to instil that in our kids, whatever they do it’s important they work at it, and we provide tutor support where needed, study space etc.

I also think though it’s important to teach them to value themselves, to know their own boundaries and what’s ok or not in relationships. To give them the confidence to trust themselves to know when someone is over stepping or taking advantage. To know when to challenge, negotiate or accept a situation. To know when they need to stretch or challenge themselves and when they need to rest, recharge or simply remove themselves from situations that aren’t ok for them.

Success isn’t just about how much money you make, I want them to be successful in their chosen careers, but I also want them to be healthy, happy, wise individuals and that takes more than academics.

That's true but when you've grown up with little money and spent the majority of the time with your children as a single parent sometimes being very worried about lack of money, I wanted my children to be able to earn as much as possible so they'd never know that feeling.

We didnt know what we wanted to do, had zero direction and for me personally i cant work towards something unless I know what it is.

I dont blame my parents fully, they gave us an amazing childhood, endless amounts of love and care, we are so so close. There was just no importance put on thinking about a career and what we wanted to do with our adult life.

To be fair to your parents not sure that is a parents role? It’s up to you to work out what you want to achieve in life and how to do that. Even the most supportive parents will only know about their own field anyway and their knowledge even of that is likely out of date.

Dh got to Cambridge his parents left school at 16 and one was from another country both blue collar workers they were utterly clueless about it he did everything himself.

Being from an academic background I'm more concerned about raising responsible decent human beings than academic success.

It's much harder as there are no yardstick, no measurement, progress reports to tell us where we are and what we need to do.

Watching with interest.

I think it comes down to encouraging:

• A good work ethic
• A curious nature
• Social skills
• Resilience
• Confidence
• Determination/sticking something out to completion
• Logical thinking
• Organisation skills

I don't think that any one person is going to be exceptional at all of these things but I do think that building up these skills where possible is helpful. Not just by telling and leading by example, but allowing children to learn to doing and by experience.

high pay and successful career are not the only, or even the best measure of how "successful" an adult is.

I am happy, with positive relationships, lovely happy hardworking grown up children, enough income for my needs, wide experience of fulfilling paid and voluntary work, good friends, enjoyable ( largely cheap) hobbies.

I consider myself a very successful adult! I don't have a high flying career though, just a job I enjoy and feel is worthwhile

I know she's only very young right now but, as a vet, I'd say this. As she gets older and nearer to making actual decisions about what to do, make sure she really knows what the profession involves. It isn't what you think it will be when you're a child and it's easy to get a bit blinkered, especially if you've wanted to be a vet for a long time. Make sure she knows that, however long she's wanted to be a vet and however much help you've given towards it and however proud it would make you, that it's ok to change your mind if you decide it's not for you. My parents always told me that I shouldn't just continue because I was worried about losing face or letting anyone down. I did continue to vet school and, although I enjoy it mostly, it's a very tough profession to be in at times.

I've been told and have seen it through my dd that the parents and friends have little impact on a child's decisions. The ones that do are actually the friends parents, they are more likely to make an impression on your dc than anyone else, they will look at them as role models and not the parents.

I have an 'average life, no degrees etc' but my dd likes horses and I've always encouraged this, she now loans a horse from a family who are v successful, she's friends with their dd's and goes out riding, to competitions with them. it's completely turned my dd's attitude to jobs and education around. She's now taking about going to uni, maybe studying law etc. before she was involved with this family she wasn't bothered.

Absolutely, myself and DH have no animals and arent really into animals but from the age of 2 she said Vet, she has an absolutely fantastic caring personality and nature so there is so many professions that could suit her.

You know that a large proportion of vet work involves putting animals to sleep?

Vet is not a job for people who are caring. You have to deal with people who are unhappy / upset and animals who are in pain and suffering all day, every day. She will have to put down animals every day.

The profession has a high instance of mental health issues and suicide for this very reason.

As PP has said when it comes time to dedicating years of her life to training at uni (along with huge debt) she will need a dose of reality about the career so she goes into it with her eyes open. The job is not a child’s idea of what a vet is ie cuddling cute animals all day!

Yes she does watch alot of vet things on youtube and understands the realities of it albeit on a basic level as shes 10.

Being a vet certainly isnt my dream im pushing on her, i dont like animals ( of course wouldn't want to see them hurt and abused).

Interestingly enough my mum found out a few years ago when speaking with her dad that his grandfather and uncles and their children were/are very successful Vets in Ireland, so perhaps its skipped me and passed onto my daughter lol.

Just because your DD wants to be a vet at the age of 10, she may not want to be a vet when she's 16. I really wouldn't worry about any of this yet.

Here are the careers I thought I wanted between the ages of 3 and 21:

• Vet
• Zoologist at the Natural History Museum
• Translator
• Politician
• Lawyer
• Journalist
• Academic
• Editor
• Advertising copywriter

I am none of these things. I am perfectly happy.

My advice is to make sure your kids have a quiet place to do their homework, encourage their interests, be engaged in what they're learning, accept that there will be subjects they don't like, make sure they have lots of access to books of their own (and to certain types of television, actually - I learnt a hell of a lot from random documentaries when I was a kid), be interested in what they want to talk about and have relatively grown-up conversations with them about difficult stuff.

Oh, and make sure they have plenty of down time to do their own thing instead of cramming their lives with a million organised activities. When I went to university, it was very clear which students had never actually managed their own time, made their own entertainment, created anything independently or developed their own interests to pursue, and they were not the ones that flourished easily.

My parents were strict on grades and my family always told me to choose wisely/something like economics etc.

I had good grades but lost passion for learning. I also dropped out of my economic course rapidly, never finished uni.

Ended up in a good job but always have been very driven and ambitious, and I love learning now that I've been able to narrow it down to things that interest me.

I would advise you to let your kids pursue their passions and fall back on a back up career.

You can train on the job for fields like trades, accountancy, marketing, even law (degree apprenticeship) - these can be good second option careers.

Encourage your kids to learn and be curious. Be realistic with them on lifestyles certain careers can provide.

The perfect scenario is something that's able to fund the lifestyle they want, that they're good at, and passionate about.

I wouldn't worry too much though, these things work out.

Not sure if mine count they’re going to uni eldest started uni second dc will be starting course in September grade’s depending.

I tried not to pressure my dc, they both went to fee paying religious schools. And the students were all very competitive the classes were structured and very disciplined.

both mine had a passion for their chosen field since they were really little, and I always told them that of course they could do what they had picked (didn’t think they’d still want to enter the vocations they wanted as kids into adulthood). But they both have single mindedly pursued their chosen vocations.

i didn’t push them at school all the other kids had extra tuition (from primary) and extra classes in subjects and I felt really badly that I wanted my dc to spend time enjoying their weekends. I would have mental health days and we’d skip school occasionally when I felt it was needed.

I also always tell them I don’t care about their exams I want them to be happy and healthy (and stop bickering with eachother), and I’ll always see them as top of the class regardless of the grade on their exam paper. And I mean it. Which I think they know.

I have told them they need to choose something they love and are passionate about because life is a long time and they’ll be spending a lot of their lives going to work. They also know they’ve got a home with me for as long as I’m around.

both mine have also seen me struggle and thrive as a single parent and know the value of studying hard and being independent. They know we’d have been totally screwed if I didn’t have a good job. So I think that’s ingrained in them as well.

I support my dc in whatever subject they were interested in, my younger dc loved art and I’ve provided her with supplies and encourage her to pursue it we asked school to let her do it as an extra GCSE because that’s what she wanted and she absolutely loved it.

we have provided them space to work and study without being disturbed as that’s essential.

but I think the main thing for mine is that they found their passion in life from a very young age and I always supported them to pursue their dreams.

i think celebrating their achievements and building up their confidence and believing in them helped my dc. Totally opposite to my parents behaviour towards me.