Being bossed around by colleagues

[Bobski123]

It's happened to me a couple of times and I've realised I'm some sort of easy target, but I need to stop it happening. Would be interested in hearing any tips.
I'm a very non confrontational person and find it hard, but for instance yesterday it happened again, from somebody who isn't my superior, and I've been there for 2 years versus her 2 months.
She tried to do it again and I said in a non-threatening way 'That's ok, I know what to do, I've been here 2 years now haven't I?' to our client.
She just said 'ok'.
I try to do the same back, not in a rude way but I'll try to ask them to do things in the same way they're asking me.
It's not that they're simply asking me for help. It's stating obvious things as if I have no idea what to do or have never done them before.
Like we will arrive at client Xs house and she will say, "You can start to undress Mrs Smith."
Well obviously, that's the whole point of us being here.
Or, she will say to me "Did you make sure that Mr S had all his medication.?"
No, I thought I just wouldn't give him any tonight.
It's like every shift is your first.
I'm really not comfortable with bossing people around.
But I've figured it must be something in my personality or body language that gives off an easy target vibe. A lot of people seem to wish they were management when they aren't and think they can practice on colleagues.
It's making me want to move further and further away from people.
Would really appreciate any tips in this situation.

Hi OP- I felt the need to reply as I could’ve written this myself a while ago but overcame the issue so wanted to contribute. I work in healthcare though not in your field, am fairly senior and qualified 15 years. I am- I suspect- like you: a nice, fair & caring person, non-confrontational and though assertive now it took me a long time to develop that side of myself as confrontation is uncomfortable to me, however it is of course absolutely necessary. I am extremely hard working but laid back in my demeanour (actually an important asset in healthcare) and probably similar to you Im guessing in being great at your job- so comfortable in your role you could do it with your eyes closed. I have experienced colleagues much less experienced and much more “stressy” than me, some need to feel they are in control & some who just can’t relax. They have almost ordered me what to do on the very thing I was naturally about to do. Numerous times. Or checked iv done x y z because ‘it’s important don’t you know (!) It’s insulting at worst but laughable at best. I originally would laugh and say “of course!” I’d always communicate well with colleagues but there’s not chance if they’ve gone in straight up barking orders or stressing and it would get my back up naturally. ie one or two less senior staff used to try to blatantly micromanage me and I’d say “sorry who’s asking?” Btw I’m a huge team player, kind & popular at work & it didn’t come easy to me but so necessary! It temporarily had effect in showing my boundaries- people do notice that. But I came to realise-It is way more about them & their own insecurities and anxiety around the work and themselves. Not so much that they believed you were incompetent or not going to do said obvious task. They know you are competent. They are trying to show/prove to themselves they are in control of what they are doing and can do the job. It’s often anxiety based. I see it as their own short coming they need to work on because they are getting colleagues backs up for one (yours & possibly others) so not great team playing, poor communication skills, shows a lack of knowledge around the scope of their colleagues ability but also shows a lack of self confidence- that they need to verbalise and jump the gun to show off what they know or to control a situation. It made me appreciate more those with good people skills who would say “ok shall I do x and you do y?” “Are you ok doing this if I do this?” “Shall we do this next?” Much more team approach, respectful & no bossing around. I do this myself and seems always well received. My advice to working with the specific person you describe is to be fully assertive & be the one to start early if necessary & say “ok I can do x if you can do y?” Etc. Shows them you won’t be bossed around, you won’t boss them around, how to speak to people respectfully, how to work as a pair without friction. If she then still continues & counters that and still tries to boss you well then I’d suspect there’s something more toxic going on with her & ask manager if you can work with someone else. Sorry that’s long winded lol. Just my take, hope that helps x

Are you dithering about or giving off vibes that you don't know what to do next? Seems really weird and I wouldn't worry about coming across as rude if I were you

In the last couple of days you've started 7 threads (I recognised your username) and they're all about different things you're taking the wrong way/questioning things about yourself etc. Is there something wider going on that is making you overthink things to this extent - I'm actually saying this in a nice way, I'm really not meaning to be mean. I'm an overthinker too at times, but this feels like you might be spiralling with something as there seems to be a lot of things you're working through/processing at the moment? When I'm stressed or anxious I focus on minute detail while the bigger thing/s and the thing/s that are actually the root cause of the anxiety I ignore.

I'm not saying your colleagues isn't annoying by the way. I agree with others, the best is to try and ignore it, or just say 'I know', or if you're feeling brave 'wow I'd never of thought to do that next'!

The examples you have given I don’t think are really bossy it’s just general work communication.

They’re insecure and envious of you and trying to pull rank. One ex colleague tried to do it to me. I bumped into them in the street a few weeks ago and they pointed at me with such venom and said, ‘I know you…’ They asked some very nosy questions then turned abruptly and sloes off when I told them how well my life was going.

You’re not necessarily a soft target. You can be a target because you are attractive/well spoken/conscientious. They want to show you they are more powerful and better than you.

I think it’s a myth that non assertive people become targets. People who stand out in some way are the targets in my experience.

Be firm with them. You’re not hyper sensitive. It’s not normal communication at all. You can feel their weirdness in your gut.

Has your colleague got any difficulties herself? I have short-term memory loss and it sounds like she runs an internal monologue similar to mine. It's a way of keeping track of everything when it's bloody hard work. For me que-ing from others is important, and the kind of questions she's asking would do that well.

I doubt she's 'targeting' you as such and she's not trying to get you to do specific less desirable tasks, it's probably just a form of running commentary. At some stage though a decision has to be made about who's doing what which can't be established until someone proposes something.
I'm unsure if you're trying to 'get back' at her or resolve the situation by talking to her in the same way. I doubt she's even noticed.
Maybe you are one of those people who is slow to respond so naturally she'll get in first.
Without being there it's hard to establish if she's micromanaging or being condescending so next time she asks if you've given X their meds just jokingly ask, why do always ask that? Don't be sarcastic or snappy though.
Co workers will annoy each other but I'd say it was a personality clash rather than her being mean. Maybe she's said to others "It's hard working with Bobski. She's like a stuffed lemon with no go about her. You can't get anything out of her n you never know who's doing what"

I completely agree with your post, having similar experiences.

My mum is like this with me. I respond with sarcasm - "No, I thought I would just let him drown in the bath", or, "Ah yes, holding hands - nah, I was just going to let him run in the road". But, obviously you might not be able to do that with a colleague!

Artycrafts - it’s draining and I am looking for a way to work alone now. I’m sorry you have experienced it too.

I have worked with someone like this - she was insecure, anxiety-ridden, controlling and manipulative. She would tell me things I already knew and/or stating the obvious. Some of it was just making conversation, some of it was wanting to seem more competent than she was, some of it was just wanting to be part of a Team. I just ignore it all, perhaps secretly roll my eyes sometimes and try not to say "no kidding", but I pity her neediness. I would hate to live my life like that. She's a work in progress, as we say....

I would pull her up on it. Otherwise it will drive you mad.

"Do you realise you give me instructions about things I already know to do?

"Like just then, for example, you told me to put the key in the door. I know to do that?"

"I just wondered if you were reminding yourself? I'm sure you don't mean it, but it comes across as if you think I don't know what I'm doing."

And then when she does it again say, "oh, you're telling me to do things I know to do again. Do you remember we talked about that?"

And then go to management.

Look I have no experience here and am self employed and work alone because people annoy me, and I hate confrontation, but I really would say something here.

You must be fairly chatty and communicative and caring to do your work, so I'm sure you can say it in a way that doesn't sound too snippy.

I would say to her “you seem very anxious that we are getting things wrong. Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing and will watch out for you and tell you if you are making mistakes. It’s quite normal to be anxious and over check when you are new to the job and not very confident yet.”

Your colleague needs to be told to cut the patronising crap and back off.

When she is put in her place, she'll back down.

Its the ability to switch quickly from easy going into assertivness mode then back again.

I've been there, done that and bought the Tshirt! 😁

They think we were born yesterday!

Don't try to be the same as them, especially if it's not in your nature. However, you do need to be assertive. Try saying, I don't appreciate being told what to do as I've been doing this job for two years. No need for sarcasm etc. If they continue just keep repeating and then have a word with your manager.

but it's more like we'll get to someone's door and she'll say 'you need to take the key out of the key safe and open it

OP why do you need to get the key, can't you reply "maybe you could get the key today so you know where it is in future"

Some people talk through what they are doing out loud, they also might be trying to appear competent in front of you if they are new. I think checking X has medication is legitimate and not an overreach or an instruction, it’s just responsible, if you are both there then you are both responsible and both need to know it’s done. Remember that not everyone knows or has seen things exactly as you have seen them and we need communication. You can try to be a bit more assertive and model behaviour that you want them to pick up on rather than trying to be combative or passive aggressive.

New person in same role as me but at a different place. She has taken it upon herself to call people related to my work place about issues that she only knows half the story off and has no idea of the protocol we have to follow.
She is getting on my tits big time. I decided to sit back and watch her fall of perch. let her fuck up

Well I haven’t read the full thread, but I’m surprised by the first few responses.

“Did you make sure that Mr S had all his medication” doesn’t seem at all a normal thing for someone inexperienced to be asking someone with significantly more experience.

The normal question for a newly started person would be to ask if Mr S had his medication, if she was uncertain of whether you had done it or not. “Did you make sure that Mr S had all his medication” carries* a definite implication *that she thinks you might not have made sure or might not have checked if he’d had it all. That’s a question I might expect an experienced staff member to ask someone they were training.

Anyway, I shall read the rest of the thread, but I definitely disagree that the phrasing of that question is neutral.

She might have been in this job for only 2 months but still have a lot more experience in care, potentially, if she's older. I wonder if she's in the habit of training people up and you are maybe quite a quiet person, so she's made a wrong assumption?

I think if she's not actually a shitbag, one single confrontation along the lines of "Go and get the key from the key safe and open the door" <OP turns to make calm eye contact with colleague> "I don't know if you realise this but I've been doing this job for two years. Don't worry, I know what I'm doing and you don't need to give me step by step instructions. We've got this covered." ought to do it.

Its possible this person is just bossy or one of those people who likes to state the blinding obvious. If its bothering you I would collect the examples from the visit in your mind and once you leave the client just say I've noticed that you like to split up the jobs with clients but its rubbing me up the wrong way being told what to do. If you want to agree before we go in who's doing what, that would work better for me. If they push back then you can give the examples. Try not to say anything that isn't factual and keep the focus on what you would prefer instead of letting it devolve into he said she said.

Once you have established the issue, it will be easier to come back to it and say, I thought we had agreed to split the jobs before hand. I'm really not comfortable with the way you are delegating work to me, it's not appropriate and it's becoming an issue for me. We have talked about it before.

If you don't speak up, she will not know you are bothered. Or she will know she's being a bossy sod and she will be enjoying getting away with it or thinking you need the direction.

You say you are experienced and capable, time to add being confident in difficult conversations to your skill set.

Good luck. X

But I've figured it must be something in my personality or body language that gives off an easy target vibe.

Underneath it all we are essentially animals, and a huge percentage of how we communicate with others is body language, so I think you might be right, OP. My DH is the same. He has this whole eager-to-please vibe that absolutely invites people to walk all over him, and walk all over him they do. It drives me nuts, but it's also what makes me a lovely human in many ways.

Can you steel yourself to take her aside and explain why you find it offensive, and that you won't tolerate it. Of course she'll make excuses, just be firm, repeat yourself as often as necessary, then say you expect that to be the end of the matter.

I actually had assertiveness classes to help me as I tend not to stand up for myself. They were quite helpful and I’m definitely better now, though still flail in the presence of proper bullies. Is that something worth considering?

Makes him a lovely human being, not me!! I'm really not that lovely a human being, I'm a disgruntled menopausal arse! 😂