To think this is trauma dumping and be annoyed by it?

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One of my colleagues has confided multiple things from her past in me. At first, I took this at face value, but she's told me the exact same thing on multiple occasions now, as if she's forgotten I already know. I have tried making suggestions to her of things that might help, but I don't think she's receptive to them. If I share my own stories in response there's very little reaction. I was struggling to put my finger on it, but having looked it up, it does sound like trauma dumping. I just feel like she tells me something major from her past quite often, leaving it playing on my mind (sometimes for days) and me trying to think of ways to help her, only for her to just change the subject. These things happen at strange times as well, and I don't feel like we're close enough friends for the level of disclosure she's making. Also, IME, friends share stories from the past and then you know them a little bit better, and next time you build the relationship with that knowledge in your mind. This is just repeating the same thing all the time.

Does this sound like trauma dumping? I don't want to be unsympathetic to her, but the way she so casually brings up really quite major things and then moves the conversation on just feels like it's an attempt to dump the associated hurt on me. I also find it incredibly frustrating to be told the same story (that happened 15 years ago!) repeatedly, by someone who ostensibly has zero interest in getting help for it!

Yes, it does sound like trauma dumping, and using you as free therapy with little interest in you as a person.

I think you need to protect your own mental health.

Next time she starts tell her that you don’t think you’re the right person to talk to and that she should speak to HR.

Thanks. I wouldn't mind being used "as therapy", in the sense of her seeking and responding to support. She's not though, she'll just happily change the subject.

I think my MH can handle it but I'd rather not have to deal with it.

Why are you suggesting HR? She's extremely anxious about colleagues and I would be concerned she'd see any step to involve HR as confirmation of her fears.

The stupid thing is that I really like her, but I do dread having to deal with these disclosures.

Sorry, misread. Not sure HR would be able to help her though. I feel very awkward suggesting she gets therapy because this level of upset and passivity is not healthy, but yeah, please get a therapist!

It could be ptsd. People can get 'stuck' on an issue and it also plays havoc with memory.

I don't really know anything about trauma dumping though. Off to google

Possibly. Still not very professional to keep bringing it up at inappropriate moments in the workplace though. It's also not one issue, there's one thing that's ruined her life and then several other unrelated things. All upsetting/ traumatic in their own way.

I would cut her off when she starts with something like “I know you’re struggling with this but I really don’t think I can help.” And move her on to something else and keep doing the same. Does sound like trauma dumping.

First, take care of yourself. If you're dreading her saying these things, find a way to make her stop before you get overwhelmed or angry.

As she's doing it at inappropriate times at work, can you stop her by saying, "This is not the time for this"? Or tell her it's inappropriate to talk about such things in front of others/ at work.

Could you cut her short by saying, "Yes, you've already told me about this"? Or, "I'm sorry, but I find this upsetting & I'd rather not hear about it."

Maybe find a leaflet/website/helpline & give her the info, then if she brings it up again, remind her that you did that.

Does your workplace have mental health first aiders? I know they're fashionable in some places. Can't say I approve, but if you have them, can you refer her to one of them & maybe she'll plague them instead of you?

I had a friend who changed our friendship from being equals each sharing & being heard by the other, to toxic dumping by her every time we met. Instead of feeling good because I'd spent time with a lovely friend, I used to leave our 'catch-ups' feeling really down, like she'd sucked the life & joy out of me. She refused all suggestions of help & seemed determined to stay exactly where she was & not do anything for herself. She was using me. Our friendship didn't survive.

I don’t think HR would be able to help her either, that’s why I think it would make her back off.

Does your employer have an employee assistance helpline? That could be another option for her.

If you have medical insurance through work, they may have a stress line she can phone.

I don't know what trauma dumping is but if she's sharing stuff that's inappropriate for your level of friendship that puts both of you in a potentially tricky situation. It happens ofc, people's mouths run away with them, no big deal, but I'd try and head her off by saying things like you know what, when I feel like this, I do find it really helps to talk to a good friend, or point her in the direction of your EAP (sure every workplace has one now don't they?) And just gently head her off. Don't talk to HR for Christ's sake! She's not your enemy.

Also, maybe try to make sure there are others around when you're with her. If she's working through difficult stuff, trouble shared and all that. I'm thinking back to workplace conversations where colleagues were going through hard times and if there's a group of you, one person can share and the rest can listen and advise. It means it's not just on one person and becomes less intense. I've heard all sorts from people I've worked with, over the years.

Yes I knew someone like this, but she did it via WhatsApp. I left the group. I didn’t appreciate being used as a dumping ground.

These people never, ever ask you about yourself or have any empathy for you. They are emotional vultures.

A proper friendship is reciprocated, and has healthy boundaries.

Next time say “I’m sorry but I can’t listen to this again, I find it upsetting” and change the subject to something lighter. She then is reminded that she’s told you before and she doesn’t get to argue with you that you don’t want to hear it.

Ah now that sounds a bit cold.

Thanks. I wouldn't mind being used "as therapy", in the sense of her seeking and responding to support. She's not though, she'll just happily change the subject.

Could you bring it up yourself? or wait until the next time she does and then say to her "Yes, you've told me this several times, and I've offered suggestions for things that might help, would you like some help in trying to find those supports/services etc? It's just you seem very stuck on what happened, which is understandable, but bringing it up all the time without trying to move forward from it and process it properly isn't healthy and is probably making things worse for you also. It's good that you are able to talk about it but it sounds like you need a professional that could help you to progress to the next step from there"

Actually, she needs to be told that it’s inappropriate. You are not a trained counsellor and it WILL affect your MH at some point simply because it’s draining. You are colleagues. She needs to allow you the mental space to work and not continually chat about her issues. Your relationship with her is entirely one-sided anyway, so should be kept light and professional. I think you need to ask HR need to talk to her about getting therapy to discuss her issues and letting you have some emotional time out. It’s not like you haven’t suggested these things, but she thinks she doesn’t need them while she has you to download onto.

HR is what you use on your enemies. Don't talk about this with HR.

HR will tell you to deal with it yourself, as you should.

Just to clarify: I have no intention whatsoever to involve HR in any way, shape or form.

I consider this person to be a friend/ good colleague. Her oversharing doesn't directly affect my ability to do my job (we're teachers and it's always at the end of the school day. Sure, I have plenty of things to be getting on with, but she's by no means the only colleague I chat with after 3.30pm), and I feel like saying anything that suggests I don't want her to talk about it and she should get help instead would put an end to friendly relations as she would be hugely upset. I do find her victim mentality/ refusal to get help incredibly frustrating though!

I have no problem with people telling me bad stuff that has happened in their past, I do not consider it to be 'trauma dumping' and have never heard that phrase

Have you read my posts? It's not that she shares it, it's that it is very personal, upsetting stuff, that we're not super close friends, that it's the same thing repeatedly, that she's not open to help, that it's at strange times, that she just offloads and changes the subject and that she shows very little interest in me.

My best friend had a horrendous time growing up and developed PTSD. I have listened to her on multiple occasions. Whilst it was upsetting to see her struggling, it was completely different, as she wasn't just offloading in the middle of a conversation, but rather we were discussing her experiences and she was trying to process the past.

I have read your posts. If someone shares something with me, be it a close friend or just a colleague, I don't draw a distinction

Is it really trauma dumping if she is just telling you a fact from the past and not requiring/asking for support? Isn't she just being honest about her life experience? If something awful happened in her past, which presumably is significant, why shouldn't she mention it? Should we all just pretend bad things never happen so that no one has to think about them?

I agree

@CoolCourgette I am not suggesting for a second that we should pretend bad things never happen. However, mentioning things that happened years ago and then casually throwing in that you struggle with difficult emotions around them every day whilst I'm trying to get on with marking, and then moving on to discussing the next day's lesson plans without hesitation or discussion isn't sharing things from your past, it's dumping difficult things on someone else without any consideration as to how it might affect them. Like I outlined above, I have dealt with people sharing traumatic experiences before, but that was always in a conversation that was dedicated to it and where both participants knew difficult things would be shared. There was also an understanding that they were being shared with the aim of constructively dealing with them. My colleague has no interest in dealing with any of these issues. She's stuck in the past and has quite the victim mentality. It's so passive and it grinds my gears tbqh