To think this is trauma dumping and be annoyed by it?

[Nodeepdiving]

One of my colleagues has confided multiple things from her past in me. At first, I took this at face value, but she's told me the exact same thing on multiple occasions now, as if she's forgotten I already know. I have tried making suggestions to her of things that might help, but I don't think she's receptive to them. If I share my own stories in response there's very little reaction. I was struggling to put my finger on it, but having looked it up, it does sound like trauma dumping. I just feel like she tells me something major from her past quite often, leaving it playing on my mind (sometimes for days) and me trying to think of ways to help her, only for her to just change the subject. These things happen at strange times as well, and I don't feel like we're close enough friends for the level of disclosure she's making. Also, IME, friends share stories from the past and then you know them a little bit better, and next time you build the relationship with that knowledge in your mind. This is just repeating the same thing all the time.

Does this sound like trauma dumping? I don't want to be unsympathetic to her, but the way she so casually brings up really quite major things and then moves the conversation on just feels like it's an attempt to dump the associated hurt on me. I also find it incredibly frustrating to be told the same story (that happened 15 years ago!) repeatedly, by someone who ostensibly has zero interest in getting help for it!

Acknowledge what they have said and sign post to people who can help.

In the last 2 months I have had 2 people close to me commit suicide and in response to each of those deaths my Facebook feed is flooded with people talking about how people need to reach out, but the problem with people reaching out is that they often do so in these awkward ways where people don't know what to say...

But it is better they say something to someone. It's good your friend told you that even though you didn't know what to do. It means someone knew how she was feeling and had the opportunity to sign post her to someone who could actually help.

I didn't mean you have a victim mentality, I meant I think the concept of trauma dumping is more of a victim mentality then someone who is the over sharer as it implies that trauma dumping is a harmful act people are subjected to, instead of what it actually is, which is sign another person is really struggling with something they need help with. You said she had a victim mentality for her inappropriate sharing, but I think getting annoyed with someone for sharing is more of a victim mentality as it implies someone is wronging someone for sharing.

I do think trauma dumping is a fashionable buzzword right now and I think it's a harmful one because it stops people reaching out and speaking when they really need guidance help or support. It adds a notion of shame to over sharing that I think is really unhelpful. I don't mean that you are attempting to silence people, I mean the many articles written about it are.

I agree you are not the right person to help this women, so tell her that, next time she over shares tell her you are not sure how to help and has she thought of seeing a coach or therapist and if she carries on bringing it up with you tell her you don't know how to help but that must be hard to deal with them change the subject.

I just think trying to control what other people tell us is futile because other people are their own people and some people are struggling with traumas they struggle to keep to themselves, and they do over share and that's just a part of life. So instead of getting annoyed with people for doing that, I just remember that that person must be really struggling with what ever they have disclosed to disclose it like that, say some validating "that's a shame, that sounds awful" or tell them I relate etc if I do.

I think there are some awful things in the world and me thinking about something someone said a few times after they've told me something horrible that happened or is happening to them is far better for me then for them experiencing it, so I just take it on the chin really.

Ah OP I have been in this situation. Initially it was an intense mutual sharing of difficult times, then every conversation would turn some was her telling me intimate details of just how awful her life was. The final straw was her telling me that I am on the spectrum (I am not) and I have ADHD (I do not).

Alot of people are going through a difficult time and it's important to be aware and supportive rather than judgmental. Where this particular person became difficult was when she could not have a conversation with someone without making about her trauma your dog died... her dog died when she was six, you were tired, she had slept since 1998, it made the day very difficult.

Now, if she starts speaking to me, I just let her finish and make a non-committal comment "like that sounds really hard" or sympathetic look, and change the subject to something boring i.e. the weather. It feels cold but honestly it is preferable to me trying to avoid her all the time.

@Universalsnail but you're still placing one person with more 'power' in the relationship?
The 'listener' whether they want to or not has to #bekind and put the other person ahead of their own boundaries?

Why is it @XenoBitchs role to sign post people? It's not and I think that's where we're going wrong with the "Big society" with some demographic seeing this as "everyone is responsible for me"

Slowly back away. She doesn’t want help , she wants your reaction from her terrible stories

I had a friend like this. She was stuck in a loop, talking about traumatic stuff from her past over and over again. We had actually both been through some very similar experiences which is how we first bonded - but without sounding smug, I moved on with my life as best I could (eventually, it took years to get over it) but she seemed to be completely stuck in this endless loop of talking about it. Like it completely defined who she was as a person. It was so draining to be around. We’re not friends anymore, not really because of that, there was another incident, but since she’s no longer in my life I realise how completely exhausting she was.

But a lot of the time in these situations boundaries aren't actually being set. The over sharer is just assumed to be trauma dumping and in the wrong but the listener hasn't actually set any boundaries that are being broken. If a topic really is too much then sure set a boundary and say "I am sorry that sounds awful but I find this topic quite distressing can we talk about something else". Then a boundary has been set, before that point the sharer isn't really doing anything wrong

Because she is this person's friend?

Someone sending an 800 word essay text about how they want to die is not someone who is well. I think if someone discloses suicidal ideation like that we do have a social responsibility to sign post that person to someone or something who may be able to help them, no matter who that person who has expressed suicidal ideation in that way is, but especially if it's a friend, because if your not even prepared to do that, then in what way are you that person's friend? Doesn't take long to Google some support charities and say, "I am sorry I don't know what to say, sorry you are feeling like that, I don't know how to help but you could call these they might be able to help you?" or something similar.

Friends aren't just people we take good times from but then ignore or avoid when they are having a really bad time imo.

I don't know how to help.
The people that are reaching out to me are legit getting a ton more help than me right now.
It hurts and sucks to have someone trauma dump me when I have a razor to my arm at the same time.

I have sent links. What else can I do?

But arguably you are now trauma dumping me talking about having a razor to your arm considering that is an over share, you didn't need to be that descriptive.

But I mean I don't think that because I don't believe trauma dumping is a thing but that's kind of my point about the phrase trauma dumping really.

You can't really and all you can do is say that to them. You are not wrong saying you don't know how to help or can't help but your friends aren't wrong for reaching out to you either. Noone is in the wrong here, it's just a difficult situation.

I've a friend who trauma dumps onto me. We've been friends for 20 years. Over time, she's gone from occasional comments to every conversation being about her trauma.

The constant downloading of her trauma has been quietly dragging my mental health down, even though I've learned to switch off and not absorb it at all. A couple of weeks ago I was on holiday and she called me to unload about her latest drama because she 'needed a friendly voice'. It was 6:30am, while I was on my 'me' time beach walk. I burst into tears and felt myself go from feeling good, to spiraling downwards. She then booked a holiday near us. I managed to avoid her by agreeing to one meal, and ignored the prompts for trauma dumping, so she tried it on DH instead (who refused to engage). However, I'm now in trouble for 'not caring'.

I've decided to back away. I am feeling much better. So supporting someone is one thing, but once it becomes your role, it's time to refer them on to professional help. Stop reacting to the trauma. Be kind, but be off somewhere in the office or have to make a phone call when that conversation starts. Her trauma is not your responsibility. It's taken me far too long to realise that.

Arguably, no, the poster upthread who referred to their own mh crisis “putting a razor to my arm” is not trauma dumping. They are setting a boundary “I am not in a good position to help X with their trauma. They should seek help elsewhere.”

Everyone is not obligated to be available for endless support—my job is trauma support (I’m a therapist in real life) and not everyone is in a position to do for free what I do professionally. People can be overwhelmed and even suffer secondary or referred trauma from unexpected or repeated exposure to other people’s traumatic experiences. sometimes we are called upon to bear witness—but not everyone can handle that.

Talking about putting a razer to your arm is an unnecessary emotive way to set a boundary though was my point designed to deliver a visceral reaction. Noone needs to know you are putting a razer to your arm to set a boundary with them that unfortunately you can't help and find the conversation too much but here is the number for the Samaritans.

Like I think it's perfectly reasonable to say to a friend you don't know or can't help and it's too much and direct them somewhere that can. I just find the phrase and concept of "trauma dumping" unnecessary and harmful as it stops people trying to reach out to others.

Maybe my judgement is being clouded from my personal experience. I'm happy to listen to my friends talk about anything they need to talk about in distress and would never consider myself dumped on, and I have done so even when my own mental health has been very poor, because they are my friends but also I have lost two people close to me this year from suicide where they didn't talk to anyone, they just packed up their lives, and I wish more then anything they had "dumped" on their friends so someone knew what was happening. I feel like "reach out" is just some nonscene words people like to say to make themselves feel better when something awful happens because when people are actually distressed and do reach out it's "trauma dumping" and they are the bad person for doing so.

Also I wonder how often people actually set boundaries about this instead of stuff like "you can talk to my anytime' because I think alot of people people please and say stuff like that and then behind people's backs decide their friend is emotionally draining or dumping, and our culture now encourages to cut out emotionally draining people ... but of course reach out to people if you are having a bad time with your mental health.... I find it all so contradictory.

So like sure actually set boundaries with people if it's too much but your not a victim of "trauma dumping" like the phrase implies.

I see what you are saying but I think you are projecting a bit too much. There is certainly something called trauma dumping, but not everyone is doing it the same way or to the same extent. Its dumping, not processing, because of its undigested and rote expression —the way its dumped into the conversation, relationship, situation without due regard to time, place, or auditor. Only the auditor knows how it impacts them or can draw the line. I think in this case the OP is experiencing overwhelm and burnout because of the routine and disconnected way the trauma is being communicated. She absolutely has the right to say “not now, not this, not me” without being held hostage by someone else’s suicide risk.

In my experience people don’t trauma dump that is involve others in their traumatic memories willy nilly—or act out suicidally. They aren’t two alternatives. They are each their own thing.