To think this is trauma dumping and be annoyed by it?

[Nodeepdiving]

One of my colleagues has confided multiple things from her past in me. At first, I took this at face value, but she's told me the exact same thing on multiple occasions now, as if she's forgotten I already know. I have tried making suggestions to her of things that might help, but I don't think she's receptive to them. If I share my own stories in response there's very little reaction. I was struggling to put my finger on it, but having looked it up, it does sound like trauma dumping. I just feel like she tells me something major from her past quite often, leaving it playing on my mind (sometimes for days) and me trying to think of ways to help her, only for her to just change the subject. These things happen at strange times as well, and I don't feel like we're close enough friends for the level of disclosure she's making. Also, IME, friends share stories from the past and then you know them a little bit better, and next time you build the relationship with that knowledge in your mind. This is just repeating the same thing all the time.

Does this sound like trauma dumping? I don't want to be unsympathetic to her, but the way she so casually brings up really quite major things and then moves the conversation on just feels like it's an attempt to dump the associated hurt on me. I also find it incredibly frustrating to be told the same story (that happened 15 years ago!) repeatedly, by someone who ostensibly has zero interest in getting help for it!

It does sound weird. D'you know what response or reaction she's looking for? Will she carry on doing it until she gets it? Is it more of an excuse for something she's done that day? I can't understand how it goes & why somebody would do this - although I was once in a hobby class with someone who acted rather oddly & one thing she did was to keep telling us the same thing each week: something about the reason she was in that class which didn't make a lot of sense & nobody was interested anyway. That's the closest I've come to this phenomenon, apart from the trauma dumping friend & she didn't operate in this way.

Don't elaborate if it's outing. I'm just intrigued.

It sounds like you've both spoken about things from your past.

I think people react to trauma in different ways, and not always how people want them too.

Fine to decide not to engage in the relationship, but hard to give her a negative label when you have also shared your personal stories.

There's sharing personal stories and then there's sharing traumatic experiences, repeatedly. I have had a pretty charmed life so far, so haven't experienced much trauma. Of course I share things from the past, that is who I am. But the things she tells me are much bigger and brought up relatively out of the blue, sort of shoehorned into a conversation. Surely you'd want to know someone fairly well before sharing deeply personal stuff? I don't want to include examples as I fear it would be outing, but believe me it is personal, really not the kind of thing that people share in the workplace normally.

When I say she brings the same thing up repeatedly, it's not like it's every day, it is more that it's the kind of thing that I would expect someone to remember sharing, as I would see the sharing of such personal information as a point at which being colleagues becomes being friends or being friends becomes being close friends.

As for what she wants from it: I have no idea, but I suspect it's validation. Validation that she's experienced some shitty things in her life and that that sucks and isn't fair. However, as I mentioned, it feels like she's stuck in the past and is pinning every aspect of her life that didn't work out onto things that have happened to her. She does seem to have a victim mentality, as she doesn't seem to want to take control of things herself. I don't know. I probably sound very unsympathetic, but I really like her. It's just so frustrating to constantly be expected to prop someone up who won't help themselves.

The psychologisation of every interaction is a cancer on this earth.

🙄

To be honest, I don't think it would occur to her that you'd be so affected by it. Some people are affected by hearing traumatic experiences mentioned or described, plenty of others are not. Though it does seem odd how she casually mentions them while you're marking!

People who have experienced trauma in their youth are often dismissed by family/friends/professionals/society (or told it's normal by abusers, for example) so have no idea themselves that anyone would consider what they've been through to be a big deal. Also, it might have been common in their social group or family. Add to this that she sounds a bit dissociated or detached from her own experiences (you suggest she hasn't processed them): she might not be aware of their impact.

I'd let her know you're one of those people who finds it hard emotionally to cope with hearing about such things, perhaps say clearly that these are truly terrible traumas she's describing.

Perhaps this will help her realise how much she needs some professional support, as well as hopefully meaning she gives you some space.

I think the concept of trauma dumping is just a term used by people who don't like to be faced with other people struggling because it makes them uncomfortable People can tell you difficult things for all kinds of reasons and it's far more of a reflection of their mental health opposed to the more insidious idea of "trauma dumping". I think it is far more of a victim mentality to be bothered by people sharing their difficulties using buzz words like "trauma dumping". I mean yeah, there is shit in the world and some people have a bad time. You don't have to absorb their bad time just because they have shared it with you. It's a term that stops people speaking out and sharing for fear their friends will consider them "trauma dumping".

@Universalsnail I think it is far more of a victim mentality to be bothered by people sharing their difficulties using buzz words like "trauma dumping". So you think people shouldn't have a choice in what they get told? That they HAVE to sit and be used as a therapist/dumping ground? The words 'victim mentality' in such a scathing manner is ridiculous.

I sometimes wonder if I do this to people by mentioning past significant bereavements. I never bring it up unless it’s somehow relevant to the conversation already and it almost never is relevant to work conversation so it happened rarely, but even then I have had a sense that people would rather I didn’t mention it at all. Honestly, I see that as their problem though. I’m not going to hide something that has had such a big impact on my life just because other people are too sensitive to consider that not everyone lives until old age.

It does sound like your colleague talks about her traumas too much to be appropriate at work but if she moves the conversation on and doesn’t dwell on it then maybe this is more your issue than hers. Presumably she can’t help what she’s had to cope with in the past and if it affects the life she lives today then she’s just chatting about herself the same way everyone does.

I wouldn’t automatically assume she needs therapy just because she feels able to mention her past traumas in front of her colleagues.

I think you need to be careful. I knew someone that did this, she turned out to be a very nasty piece of work. Continually dumping on people while showing no interest in return is a big red flag for covert narcissism.

I’d distance myself at any rate if I was you, she sounds draining.

How about this….

Her: This dreadful thing happened

You: Hmm, yes, that sounds awful. But you know, you have told me that before, right? I haven’t forgotten about it. Just wondered why you bring it up now?

@FloweryName and if other people don't want to have to hear about other people's trauma?

I’m struggling to imagine how this happens. Like, you’re busy tidying your classroom and getting ready for the next day, she comes in and starts talking about her trauma? How does it keep coming up so often in casual conversation? Can you give an example (without being too outing)?

@MyHornCanPierceTheSky it all depends on what the person is saying. If someone is constantly referring to their rape or childhood sexual abuse then its not appropriate for the workplace.

If someone mentions in context something like the death of their child or spouse or shares something they experienced while going through cancer treatment, then adults should be enough to accept that there are difficult things that are part of normal life for many people.

I imagine you are not the only person she does this to. She's probably lost track of who she has told and what exactly.

I had an acquantaince who would regularly tell me about a horrific murder she had witnessed in her neighbourhood. I was genuinely traumatised listening to the grisly details. I had to start cutting her off every time she started the story "you've told me about this before but I don't want to hear about it again." I had to do that 3 or 4 times before it went in.

I think a lot of the time people have learned that certain stories will get people's attention and so they keep repeating them!

Can you sort of grey rock her when she is doing this? So you sound generally sympathetic but aren't really engaging yourself with it emotionally? e.g.

"Oh dear"
"Ah, that sounds tough"
"Mm, you said, sounds hard"

You don't have to absorb their bad time just because they have shared it with you.

Thing is, you may not be able to prevent yourself from absorbing their bad time. Emergency service workers, health care worker, social workers - all kinds of people who are regularly brought up against other people’s bad times, are at increased risk of mental health issues, including substance abuse and PTSD, as a result of repeated exposure to other people’s trauma. No-one can predict how they are going to react - and the OP said she is left with what has been shared on her mind, sometimes for days.

Those people, rightly, have support in place to help limit the impact on them of this exposure. It’s probably inadequate, but the fact it exists at all is recognition of the fact that exposure to other people’s trauma is a regular and unavoidable part of their jobs. It isn’t part of OP’s job.

It's a term that stops people speaking out and sharing for fear their friends will consider them "trauma dumping".

While I hear the point you’re making, the fact remains that everyone has the right to decide the extent to which they are able to support their friends. No-one should be expected to do that to the detriment to their own mental health.

The OP isn’t even a close friend to this woman. She’s a colleague. And, from what she says, the woman’s sharing is having an adverse effect on her - leaves her thinking about it for days.

Isn't cancer a cancer on this earth?

I can't think of an actual example, but let's say that every time pay and career progression is mentioned (which is often, given we went on strike to secure better pay last school year and the current monumental DfE cockup!), she mentions how her career suffered terribly because she was bullied in the workplace. I fully appreciate that workplace bullying is awful and can have lasting effects, but this happened 25+ years ago! It's always "I could be on X amount, but my bully set my progress back years" I must have been told about this at least five times in the past 6-9 months. I feel for her, but I am finding it hard to muster up sympathy for people who don't take control of their life. Other things are to do with finances and relationships/ reproductive health. Big stuff, not "someone crashed into the back of me at the traffic lights and my car has been written off, what a ball ache, it's going to cost so much money"

I'm not made of teflon, these stories affect me, especially because they come out of the blue and I am not given any processing time before the topic is changed.

I am not using "trauma dumping" because I don't like dealing with other people's upset. These frequent surprise disclosures were affecting me (because I am actually quite a nice person who cares about other people's feelings and well-being, believe it or not!) and then I came across the concept of trauma dumping and discovered there's a name for the phenomenon.

I find it quite offensive that you are implying I am bandying about some fashionable buzzword to get people to stop talking about their emotions. I have suffered from various mental health problems since my teenage years and I would be the first to encourage people to talk about things that are bothering them. However, there are appropriate and inappropriate ways of doing this. Acknowledging that does not mean I am attempting to silence anyone.

Feel free to clarify what exactly about my posts indicates to you that I have a victim mentality BTW...

Thank you for this.

Also to reiterate: I have supported a close friend through traumatic experiences that were objectively speaking way worse than what my colleague is sharing. This did not affect me in the same way, because I had been made aware beforehand and was happy to take on this role. We'd also been friends for 15 years at this point. That is absolutely not the case with my colleague.

Not just uncomfortable... just plain not know what to do.
I have a friend who I met in a MH support group. He gets a ton of support from various agencies and professionals. Yet, he will text me.... "Hi, I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I hope you are ok. See you in group next week".... along those lines. What am I meant to do with that? After that text, I saw him in person and he came to me, gave me a big hug and said in my ear "I had the police out this morning as the crisis team were worried".. and he walked off.

I also had a FB friend send me a 800 word essay about how shit her life was and she wanted to die.... totally out the blue. I am not a therapist... I am not trained in MH at all... all I have is my own lived experience.

I don’t think it’s particularly professional for her to overshare or trauma dump on you especially as you’re colleagues and not friends.

I’d say to her you’re not comfortable hearing about this.

I have worked with a few people like this so I totally understand.

One of them told me the very first time I met them that their DD had died nine years previously. It was “Hi, I’m Steve, head of operations, that’s my office over there. My DD…” Then every subsequent time I spoke to him. Obviously it was heartbreaking and I was sympathetic but it was odd.

Two others, similar stories but very different characters. One of them used their previous trauma as an excuse to do very little work, and to barely bother.

I would maybe say “you know there’s a 24 hour employee support number Sue.” and then try to change the subject.