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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Speaking to a guy on a post graduate visa - family disapprove

108 replies

Evieanne · 11/07/2023 22:10

So I have been talking to a guy who is on a graduate visa for a while, and in that time, we have taken to each other and seem to have a lot in common. He has told me he would like to get married by next year and would like to meet my family to inform them he has intentions of turning our relationship into a marriage and would appreciate their support, well wishes and blessings.

My family think he’s a nice guy but are sceptical in case he’s using me to secure a permanent residency here in the UK.

Any ideas?

OP posts:

thecatwiththesilveryfur · 12/07/2023 13:13

GarlicGrace · 12/07/2023 02:03

You're dead right, @Evieanne, in a deeply patriarchal culture girls are a liability. There's no global epidemic of parents killing their sons; only daughters. It's a massively fucked-up system, not least because girls could become assets to their families if they were fully educated, encouraged into careers and permitted independence.

Can't change that in people who've fully internalised those values, unfortunately, but you are free to opt out of it over here. Marrying some geezer whose visa just happens to be expiring, according to the rules of this patriarchal culture, will lock you right into it.

Your choice. If it were me, I'd ditch the parents and the visa-hunting patriarch, move into a flat-share with some independent minded women, and start dating like the normal British woman you are.

Dear OP, please read this post. It says everything you need to know.

You are worth more than this - more than your family say, but also more than to throw yourself on the mercy of the man who only wants a visa.

You are a real person. Be brave. Contact some of the help services above and go and live your life.

RampantIvy · 12/07/2023 13:29

I feel so sad after reading your recent posts @Evieanne. They reminded me of a book I have recently read - A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini.

Your family are controlling and abusive. This is not how most people live. Please follow up the resources that other posters have posted on here and make your escape from them. Perhaps you could lodge with a family if you can't afford a flat share?

Blueuggboots · 12/07/2023 14:07

Your family, whilst they believe they are doing the "right thing" are controlling you.

You do not have to live like this. You don't have to go to the other extreme either.

You are an adult female in the UK so you have legal rights.

I would not be going away to your home country - that shouts of being married off.

Please seek help from appropriate people and get out. You can have a happy, fulfilling life. No family member ever died because their relative didn't do exactly what they were told to by their family, NO ONE.

user01082312345 · 12/07/2023 14:16

Christ, don't do it. Block all contact and find someone who wants to be in a normal, happy relationship with you, and who will pop the question because he genuinely loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, not because he needs a visa!

Rainbowshit · 12/07/2023 14:20

Oh FGS. He clearly is just after a visa. Bin him off.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 12/07/2023 19:40

OP, I would say forget the guys. Work on your future.
What do you do? Study? Work?
If you are going to take a traditional view of life but still want to be free then work on your financial emancipation rather than the sexual/relationship.
Get on your own two feet, earn your living, move into your own house share with other girls and grow your own wings.
Then see how you feel about guys, marriage, patriarchy, religion and choose the life you want for yourself.

Ginger1982 · 12/07/2023 20:16

Don't go to your grandparents country in December. Sounds incredibly suss to me, like they intend marrying you off out there.

wishihadagoodone · 13/07/2023 09:30

Ginger1982 · 12/07/2023 20:16

Don't go to your grandparents country in December. Sounds incredibly suss to me, like they intend marrying you off out there.

This in spades. This immediately jumped out to me when you said you were travelling with your father.

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