Speaking to a guy on a post graduate visa - family disapprove

[Evieanne]

So I have been talking to a guy who is on a graduate visa for a while, and in that time, we have taken to each other and seem to have a lot in common. He has told me he would like to get married by next year and would like to meet my family to inform them he has intentions of turning our relationship into a marriage and would appreciate their support, well wishes and blessings.

My family think he’s a nice guy but are sceptical in case he’s using me to secure a permanent residency here in the UK.

Any ideas?

@Evieanne, do you work? Or go to uni?

This is crazy. Don't marry a man you've never met in real life.

@Evieanne
you will be jumping out the frying pan and into the fire if you marry this guy.

you need to learn to drive and get your independence. This is not a normal way to live even for many Muslim women I know living in this country with conservative families. I am one of them. But then there are some families who isolate their girls and make their lives hell but you have internet at least, so use it wisely and not to pick up random opportunists that are making false promises. Speak to some of the organisations I listed. They won’t judge you. You would be foolish to carry on and do things that will tie you to the ‘culture’ even further.

So it is not normal to have to ask your dad for permission to go to different places in England with friends or your sister or different countries? My family say you have to have a mahram with you to do those things. Will the organisations think I’m just being petty?

Run away and don't look back. Even without the visa seeking he's pushing boundaries and being dictatorial, he'd be a nightmare to be in a relationship with and probably one of those men who wouldn't be easy to divorce from either

Not normal to ask, especially when you are an adult.

Yes I do bank shifts I have a few different contracts but I don’t have a permanent job

Your family aren’t the law of the U.K. they’re trying to control you using pick n mix religion. That’s coercive control, look it up on the websites I posted. I think you know this isn’t normal or i’m thinking this thread is a wind up. Normal families expect their children to tell them where they’re going that’s basics of living with people, they don’t control every movement and apply some archaic ‘rulings’ heck even In Saudi women travel around with non mahram men -their drivers. Like I said I’m quite old but nowadays families are a lot more relaxed with travel, this country is not lawless, it’s relatively safe, as are most tourist places, obviously you take precautions if you are a lone woman but it really doesn’t take a man to keep you safe But then they’re not there to keep you safe, it’s to keep you under control. Anyway good luck OP I hope you make wise decisions for yourself going forward.

Is this a joke? I'm from an ethnic minority and don't know of any family with such archaic practices.

The only thing making you obey these awful rules is your own head. It's not the law or cultural norm in the uk. You have a job. You are an adult. You can walk away if you want.

If you go on the planned trip I expect you are very likely to be married off.

This is so sad.

I suspect this is fake! None of it sounds real and full of stereotypes about ethnic minorities.

Oh well, at least he is honest about his motives.

Do you have control of your own money?

You are being abused by your family.

If any woman was treated like this by a man in the UK I wonder if they would be guilty of coercive controls

I know plenty of women who are from all sorts of religions who are not subjected to this type of treatment.

You need to save your money and leave.

Why are the males allowed to sleep around but you aren't even allowed out on your own? It's because they think of you as an object or a piece of property not as a human.

Why sacrifice you happiness and life for them. They don't like you .

No unfortunately it’s not fake. Believe it or not this is how it is in my family. This is really my life and I’m from a Pakistani potwari speaking background. My family are like this. None of my other friend’s are restricted in the way I am, nor is my second cousin. My parents are paranoid about everything and we can’t live our lives because of their tears. I didn’t realise it wasn’t normal, I didn’t realise being hit the way I was growing up wasn’t normal either, all I know is I feel suffocated.

*fears

My family tell me just because other people don’t follow the rules doesn’t mean the rules don’t say what they’re telling me and they say they don’t care what other parents do or don’t do that has nothing to do with us. This was said when I said to her other parents allow theirs so why can’t we. Then they try and find soft legitimate excuses and are now using the cost of living excuse. My parents had an issue with my younger sister wanting to leave for uni to another part of the north and my parents were weird about it and were saying she can’t and that my sister wouldn’t be able to afford it, my sister fought back and said she’s doing it regardless which still caused a fuss. But I don’t know if I can do it because I’m scared that if I do something, what if it affects my sisters negatively. I’m bi, my sister is gay, I am having to be the one that gets trapped just so she can live her life. It’s hard. But I always said to myself, if one of us lives normality according to their rules then my sister will maybe get away with it 😭

My friend was allowed to go to see our other friend in Preston for a week, but I wasn’t even allowed for a night or two. My mum said no but wouldn’t even give me a proper reason. I don’t know how much longer I can cope tbh. Not many other Muslim families have more than one child that isn’t straight, I have so much to stress about. I have nobody to talk to about this, I have failed MH referrals despite having complex illnesses I’m just done. Maybe this is a sign.

You don’t have to live under these conditions - save enough money to raise a deposit on a flat and move out. If you don’t have access to your own money to do that, then that’s financial abuse and the organisations listed above will help you. Learn to drive so you can get to work by yourself, or take taxis, get a bike or walk - you need to take control of your own life and happiness.

your parents can’t physically stop you from visiting friends, going to social events, going to Germany because that would be illegal - imprisonment - they might be disappointed if you do them, but as your view of the world is very different from theirs, you are currently not compatible so need to start living your own life.

I have control of my own money, I did plan to move away eventually once I have saved up enough but I suppose I felt defeated and just accepted it. I wish I never came back to the house, when I left I felt a huge relief and now I’m feeling the same I am before I left the first time. they said I could only move out when I get a husband and jointly buy a house with him. I’m only allowed to go to local areas within an hour north wards during day light hours but anywhere else they make some excuse about why it’s not a good idea. They look at all the women getting abused and killed and they said it makes them terrified that the same could happen to us. They just switch up a lot, I never know where I stand with them.
I wish I knew how to change their minds, how to convince them but looks like there’s no point.

I’ll get in contact with the charities and organisations and ask for some clarity because my head is fucked.

In December I am booked to go to my grandad’s country with my dad and aunt, people have told me they don’t think it’s a good idea but I’m tired of overthinking, I must see if I can trust my family.

This makes me wonder if they plan to marry you off while you're over there OP. I've read/heard so many similar stories to this, where a daughter from a controlling family is trying to break free and the family persuade her to go on a holiday to their home country, usually for some spurious, family-related reason (grandma is ill, cousin is getting married, etc). But the real reason for the trip is to marry her off when she's in country where no support network can help her to resist. It sounds to me like your instincts are screaming at you not to make this trip, but you're determined to try and keep your family on-side, despite your many, many misgivings and growing realisation that the controlling and physically abusive way you were raised is not right and not normal.

As for this man off the internet, look he could be kind and genuine and perfectly nice, or he could be mean and abusive and controlling himself. You have no way of knowing and to marry a stranger like this is incredibly dangeous. You have no idea who he is or what his intentions are. I bet his mother back in Bangladesh is desperate for him to marry a girl who has UK citizenship, so he can stay here and either bring her and the rest of the family over, or support them with a UK salary. You'd be crazy to allow yourself to be drawn into such a potentially dangerous and abusive situation. The best thing you can do is get out of the awful situation you're in, not swap it for a different one. Contact some of the organisations listed above OP. Please. You sound like a spirited woman who is being crushed. I think I remember this organisation https://karmanirvana.org.uk/ being mentioned in the excellent and really horrifying BBC drama 'Honour' (which I recommend you watch, if you haven't seen it).

I just can’t trust what they say, because I don’t believe they’re acting in my best interests, it’s more what they want to happen and their fears that are impacting my life, so that’s why I created the thread to get an impartial perspective from people who don’t have any motive

Absolutely don't go away in December with them OP.

Speak to Women's Aid asap or Saheli.

https://www.saheli.org.uk/help

It's very hard in your position to know whether this man is genuine or not. I'm not Pakistani but met a Pakistani man at uni. He was very different from the other young Pakistani men in behaviour and attitudes. It wasn't his intention to stay here long term he wanted a UK degree and work experience on his CV. He stayed for a while after uni on a work visa. After a few years together we changed it to a spouse visa. We are now together 17 years with children. Our biggest marriage challenges have been due to in-laws. Another thing you have to factor in as they can make you miserable.

We obviously spent a lot of time together before marriage which you haven't. We got to know each other and communicated very clearly and realistically about how our lives would look if we stayed together. How we would behave, raise our children, live financially etc.

It's all very well saying he wants to take you travelling but is it realistically possible for you two to have a good life together financially?

Although ours worked out, I have personally met people from Pakistan who have married for visas. One says he was upfront and it was an agreed temporary arrangement, his wife says otherwise. The other was deceitful.

As pp have said be careful you aren't going from the frying pan to the fire because you think life will be better with him than as it currently is.

Please listen to your family. Alarm bells are ringing here.

Yes OP your best bet is talking to these organisations, even if you don’t do anything just yet they can advise regarding housing, can put you in touch with women who have been through the same and help you build you self esteem etc don’t tell anyone within the family or community you can’t trust them. Stay safe.