Speaking to a guy on a post graduate visa - family disapprove

[Evieanne]

So I have been talking to a guy who is on a graduate visa for a while, and in that time, we have taken to each other and seem to have a lot in common. He has told me he would like to get married by next year and would like to meet my family to inform them he has intentions of turning our relationship into a marriage and would appreciate their support, well wishes and blessings.

My family think he’s a nice guy but are sceptical in case he’s using me to secure a permanent residency here in the UK.

Any ideas?

You can’t but as you’ve never actually met, I’d err on the side of caution!

Op, you need to realise that you are a woman in a modern age. You have legal rights, no matter what your family want, and one of them is to choose your own life.
I know going against tradition is scary but unless you do, your daughters will be caught in the same cruel practice.

Find a compromise. Talk to your mum and look for a way to meet potential partners in the U.K, which they can accept. There will be a way, you just need to find it.

We don’t date as such, we don’t move in together before marriage, we don’t meet alone before marriage, plenty do but we aren’t allowed to do that.

No one’s suggesting you move in together; that would be equally daft. You don’t even have to meet alone. You could even take your aunt on your dates as a poster upthread suggested.

Of course he is looking for a visa.

even though you face strong cultural mores to comply with a patriarchal system, if you live in the UK, you do have the choice to claim more freedom for yourself. Securing an education and employment will give you financial freedom. If you have money, you can’t be constrained to the demands of your family or a husband. That doesn’t mean that you have to reject your culture, but there can be balance. You can live your life and marry when you are ready.

every single person I know that has a good marriage has a marriage where either party has the power to leave. They married by choice and they stay together by choice, not because of culture or money. The degree of romance may vary, but the mutual respect has to be there and that can only truly happen when both parties have equal power. If you don’t have that, the person with more power, almost always the man, will take advantage.

Sounds like a plan!

Oh OP you sound quite beaten, i’m quite old and born here and from what I’ve seen many of our communities have progressed so much over the years as they have integrated more, the women have had the opportunity to be educated, they are ‘allowed’ to go on holidays with their sisters and friends without men, earn their own money, are ‘allowed’ to marry men on the same level as them, it’s really sad to read there are still some families that haven’t moved on from tribal village mindsets because that’s what this is and this level of control is abuse. I bet the men in your family are not controlled like this, that surely makes you more angry to not want to conform further by marrying someone from back home who won’t be too different to marrying a random cousin from back home! There is nothing stopping you keeping your culture and being ‘respectable’ you don’t need to rush to get married and to some random visa hunter. This is your life and when shit hits the fan and you break up, you’ll be on your own as nobody else will be there to help pick up the pieces and they’ll say ‘I told you so’
if you’re not allowed to study, you’re worried you’ll be forced to marry someone else, you don’t have much freedom to do basic things what many of us Pakistani girls have been doing for years then I’m going to leave these organisations’ names in case you ever want to have a chat with them,

women’s aid: do amazing work and have helped many Asian women when their own families and communities turned their backs on them for not staying in abusive relationships (including parent child abuse)

southhall black sisters
karma nirvana

pink ladoo

I’m sure there are lots others.

you might not need them now but you might do someday.

there is also a south Asian mumsnetters section here but I guarantee you’ll get similar responses that you are getting here as like I said most women nowadays refuse to put up with this nonsense in this country not matter their cultural background.

By only considering suitors who have a legal right to reside in your jurisdiction.

OP when my now DH of 3 years proposed after 3 days together properly everyone thought we were crazy and still going strong. DH is Italian American and I white British so different cultures to yours but on a similar wavelength.

If you really want to know if it's visa related then state your preference for settling and bringing up kids in Bangladesh As you're sick of the UK for whatever reason you choose,

Then you'll know for sure

I'm from a culture similar to yours - this isn't the way! You DO meet people - just with a chaperone. Even if you don't , you know their family very well.
Not some random from the internet.
Sorry dear. It's very likely that he just wants to marry you for visa.
If you really want to test him, ask him to marry you after he has his own visa, see what he says.

Also while you sound quite beaten down your life will only get worse if you marry a man with a controlling man like this.
There are modern families... You will have the slave life of a daughter in law if you choose the opposite.
Thatdesifeminist is a good Instagram channel.

You sound like you don't mind the status quo. But when your husband starts to turn cruel and witholds money for you and the children then you will have to find your courage, if you don't find it now

The first person doesn’t exist. If somebody is chatting to you online and says they want to marry you, it is for a visa or perhaps for money.

And I realise that different cultures do thinks differently, I know people that have had arranged marriages and they don’t start with the woman chatting with a random online.

Your family are right to be cautious.

There are 65 milllionn peopke in the UK, there must be one from you culture here that you could marry.

Your culture sounds backwards. I don't understand why some cultures are so resistant to change. Treating women like mindless objects who are the property of men is abusive.

Don't you ever question your 'culture'

Honestly I have questioned the rules, and they’re the ones that mainly come from Islam and I did go against my family with a non Muslim British origin partner, I have dated people before but it was all in secret because my family would have disapproved and I was sick of keeping it a secret because I wasn’t allowed to be doing it in the first place - I dated my last ex and moved into my own flat but I didn’t cope well on my own due to trauma issues. My family were furious that I decided to move out against my dad’s will, and when my family found out about my previous ex, things took the worst and my mum started with the manipulation saying I couldn’t act like a normal couple because finding out would kill my gran. This took a huge strain on my relationship and it ended. The whole thing is ridiculous because my uncles had sex outside of marriage and two of them didn’t marry but that’s alright for them, my mum didn’t get sanctimonious and apply the Islamic rules to them and funnily enough her mum is still alive 🙄🙄

I was just sick of it, I was sick of being told I couldn’t have sleep overs at friend’s houses, couldn’t accompany my friend at a hotel because “women aren’t supposed to be at hotels” and how I can’t go to different areas or different countries without family or my close male relatives because of the crime rate against women and women should have their closest male relative with them when travelling. I genuinely feel like they’re just hiding behind the crime rate excuse to restrict us. I don’t really know how to cope. It’s just sad that I was 20 when I could experience a sleep over and stay overnight at a nice place without family.

yet I can’t go with my sister to Germany because it’s too far and anything can happen 🙄

You're asking if you should marry someone you're not actually in a relationship with?
No! And double no to someone that's mentioned needing a Visa.
It's really worrying you need to ask.

I don’t even believe in my family’s religion, I have taken on a different faith but I’m stuck. In December I am booked to go to my grandad’s country with my dad and aunt, people have told me they don’t think it’s a good idea but I’m tired of overthinking, I must see if I can trust my family. I have to see if they haven’t planned anything bad. They said I can marry my own choice but they would never accept my choice, my choice would be someone they would have to approve of.

They say I can marry someone as long as they’re Muslim as they’re the only types of men they’d accept so I said ok…I’m just fed up. Everything has to be agreed with by my father. Im allowed to work and study but no choice with anything else or that choice is restricted to who they would approve of, if I can only marry Muslim men and they’re then vetting attitudes they agree with - that’s not much of a choice. They think they gave me a choice, they didn’t really.

i am glad they help subsidise with pick ups drop ofs, I’m lucky I am not dead. I became complacent cos I had awful exes, I have lost babies conceived by people I shouldn’t have been with, they were the only things I had choice over because they were inside my body and even they died so no hope there, I ended up with sepsis because of miscarriage complications.

i have my older sister and younger sisters to think about and it is hard because what if I make it worse for them.

How terribly sad.

Don't get married, save your money secretly and wait until you are in a position to leave. Start standing up for yourself. Show your sisters they can have a choice about what happens in their life's too.

This is nothing to do with religion and culture it's to do with having abusive, controlling and nasty parents and family.

How do I date guys when I can’t go anywhere with them? I can’t bring them here, I can’t go out to their house for a few nights because my family would question it. Can’t have a night out. Can only go out during the day with women but not too many times with the same person because that gets questioned they ask if I’m in a relationship with her, if I ask my mum she’ll say ask dad, dad will say you have been out too many times to those areas tell them to come here and I have to hide in secret with men, they then just think I’m flakey because I can’t do plans like other people.

Hang on, pick ups and drop offs? Do you have children? You're from an ultra-conservative religious culture, you're only 21 and you have children in childcare? Why is your sister allowed to go to Germany and you're not?

Do you work or study at all? Do you drive?

If this dream man from the dating site was serious and understood your culture, why wouldn't he ask to meet your dad if its the only way he's allowed to meet you? Sorry lovey, but he is really only after a visa. Maybe when he gets his own skilled worker visa, he will be a better bet for you, but right now, there are just too many alarm bells ringing here.

My DH is here on a spouse visa. It's hard going and very expensive. We met in person and had a normal, albeit, long distance relationship. We met a few times and stayed together before marriage.
If this bloke is a graduate then why can't he come to the uk on a work visa? That way you know he isn't using you.

A spouse visa has to be renewed after 2.5 years and it's approx £3k. You need to be working and earning over £18,600 to even apply to bring him on a spouse visa or a fiancé visa. It's a lot of work and stress.

Sorry I mean my parents do this for us that’s what I mean when I said I’m lucky they subsidise with pick ups and drop offs as I don’t drive no so it’s not that I’m unappreciative. And neither of us are allowed to go to Germany because it’s too far and the risks are too high apparently and we have to travel with a male relative.

I can’t even say it’s not associated with the religion because there are like the Islamic rules where you have to have your dad uncle or brother with you when you travel or when you meet guys, this is from the religion, or the idea that you obey your parents unless they tell you to do something haram is part of the religion. So what they’re then doing is following it when it comes to the rules about male guardianship but misusing the letter to picking and choosing to stop me from doing what I want. Unless my family are misusing everything and I have no idea what’s normal and what isn’t

And regarding the guy, yeah that’s what he’s trying to do, he’s trying to get his family’s approval but it’s looking like it’s not a good idea now then unless he secures his stay with his employer and then decides he still wants to…guess I have a lot to think about

HAHAHA man from bangladesh wants to marry asap. Ohh i wonder why Hahaha oh jeesus use your brains love you dont even know if you guys will like eachother in a years time because you arnt even dating.

He is in the uk on a work visa, that’s what I mean by post graduate visa, he was on a student visa beforehand. He has a couple years left on it I think. So if he can get a different visa that’ll allow an extension I think he’ll do that.

i am glad it worked for you and he was decent and didn’t use you. My cousin has recently done that when she brought her husband over, I think he’s been here a few years now. But I suppose it’s the doubt lingering whether he’s decent or not…