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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To look into rehoming my cats

86 replies

Mummypigisalwaysright · 11/07/2023 19:44

Ok so please read before judging!

We have two cats that are 14 years old this year, we had them before we had children and we do really love them.

DS7 is autistic, he has limited verbal skills but communicates effectively using learnt/repetitive words and phrases. He has an official diagnosis and attends a sen school.

Over the past three/four months he has become completely adverse to the presence of the cats in the house. This means that the cats are outside permanently and we feed them outside. If they come in the house he chases them out and will scream and cry (actual tears/sad crying) if he can't get them out. He will also not go outside. We have a lovely garden that I would love to take him out in but he simply refuses and melts down. Also I can't have the back door open even two minutes, my son will come and shut it.

The situation is becoming stressful as I don't want my cats to spend winter nighttime outside, I think that's not fair on them, particularly as they are used to coming inside. It's not so bad in summer, but snowy and icy weather, not great.

So I'm thinking of rehoming them, or failing that take them to a shelter. The current situation is just not good for anyone and I don't know if there is anything else I can do.

AIBU? Any advice or tips?

OP posts:
Icannot · 11/07/2023 23:38

I would see if friends or family can rehome them. If they can't I would do as PPs have suggested and create an insulated shed/garage for them, and let them inside whilst DS is at school/asleep.

IsItNormalFTM · 11/07/2023 23:39

Spiceyrice · 11/07/2023 23:19

Hi OP, where are you based?

If you have no local friends or family who can take them, then I can, I’m experienced with cats and couldn’t bear reading this and the thought of them being PTS. PM me if you need to.

This is so lovely ❤️

Icannot · 11/07/2023 23:40

Or if possible could you put them in a locked room on colder evenings, that your DS cannot access?

MidnightMeltdown · 11/07/2023 23:41

There are thousands of animals being dumped atm with CoL. The chances of them being rehomed are very slim.

I agree that the cats are your responsibility. When you decide to get an animal, you make a promise to care for it for life, and that means finding solutions, even when things are difficult.

It's difficult to suggest things without knowing your exact circumstances, but maybe you have a utility room or some other space where you can put a cat flap, where your DC doesn't need to go?

I don't know much about autism, but it sounds like your DC has a phobia. Maybe there is some form of treatment for phobias that could help improve things?

At the very least, try to find someone who can take the cats - parents, family members, friends?

AlwaysTheSupplierNeverTheBride · 11/07/2023 23:43

Is there anyone in your extended family or friends who would be willing to take them?

Leastsaidsoonestscrewed · 11/07/2023 23:44

Mummypigisalwaysright · 11/07/2023 20:14

I can assure you we do not plan on having any more pets, ever. This is a very heartbreaking situation for us.

You clearly did not read my op properly, the cats are 14 years old, my son is 7. Nobody asks to have a sen child and this isn't a situation I don't think anyone could forsee.

Giving in is an incorrect assumption. If you have any ideas how I can integrate them I would be willing to try. He literally chases them out of the house. They are scared of him so they go.

The MN cat fancy just turn everything into a " poor little pussycats, they are far more important than your child and family" - because they are batshit.

CandlelightGlow · 11/07/2023 23:45

I really feel for you.

I do think at 14 I would simply wouldn't be able to part with them. I do agree with others though, I'm sure it's really stressful for you, but realistically your son isn't in the house 100% of the time.

I think what I would do if I were you:

Get a catio/cat shed in the garden, with as many comforts as you can manage, so there is a backup for them.

Bring the cats in post DS's bed time and put them out in the morning before school/DS waking.

Aim to have a cat centric room in the house if there is a space that is minimally visited by DS (but this is less important than the other 2 steps)

Try and encourage your DS over time to accept the cats, though I have no idea how realistic that is.

bitnervousaboutthis · 11/07/2023 23:47

Please contact your local Cats Protection, just because they are older doesn't mean they don't have a good few years and either way they'll be in doors, safe and fed.

DairyMilk76 · 11/07/2023 23:55

I had a similar situation with DD (who is also autistic) and our dog - there was no way I was giving the dog up and DD very quickly learnt that I wasn’t going to give into her on it (we used social stories but also time out and no screen time strategies if she was horrible to him to learn that it wasn’t acceptable) - especially because our dog doesn’t cause her any bother in the absolute slightest, he doesn’t go near her or jump up at her or anything - she now tolerates him as part of the family and it doesn’t bother her anymore when he is around etc. X

MidnightMeltdown · 12/07/2023 00:04

bitnervousaboutthis · 11/07/2023 23:47

Please contact your local Cats Protection, just because they are older doesn't mean they don't have a good few years and either way they'll be in doors, safe and fed.

Cats protection near me have over 200 cats on their waiting list. They have a small number of pens and don't have the capacity to take all of these cats. It's not realistic for people just to expect to be able to dump their animals off the moment that they become inconvenient. OP can contact them, but needs to be aware that there is likely to be a long waiting list.

caringcarer · 12/07/2023 00:17

DairyMilk76 · 11/07/2023 23:55

I had a similar situation with DD (who is also autistic) and our dog - there was no way I was giving the dog up and DD very quickly learnt that I wasn’t going to give into her on it (we used social stories but also time out and no screen time strategies if she was horrible to him to learn that it wasn’t acceptable) - especially because our dog doesn’t cause her any bother in the absolute slightest, he doesn’t go near her or jump up at her or anything - she now tolerates him as part of the family and it doesn’t bother her anymore when he is around etc. X

This is what you should do OP, sensible punishments. Don't let your child get away with abusing the cats.

MCOut · 12/07/2023 00:31

Have you spoken to professionals to get advice about this? So glad to see @DairyMilk76 post. It sounds like making sure there are consequences to his behaviour might work.

I don’t think you should attempt to rehome two 14 year old cats, they will be pts. Even the shed solution unless it’s very nice and heated is unfair.

Ivyiris · 12/07/2023 00:35

I was ready to say YABU but in this instance YANBU. It sounds like the best solution for your cats and child. Sorry to hear about your situation OP must be heartbreaking.

Mumtothreegirlies · 12/07/2023 00:45

Such a sad situation OP. Have you spoken to any of the therapy team at his school? Maybe there’s things they can integrate with his daily learning to help ease his anxiety around the cats. Like reading books with cats or doing a project on cats.
I can understand why you feel you have no other choice and if it can’t get resolved then obviously it’s best to rehome them, but it might be worth speaking to the school and seeing what they suggest as you never know.

SaltyCrisps · 12/07/2023 00:47

Spiceyrice · 11/07/2023 23:19

Hi OP, where are you based?

If you have no local friends or family who can take them, then I can, I’m experienced with cats and couldn’t bear reading this and the thought of them being PTS. PM me if you need to.

❤️❤️❤️

Floralnomad · 12/07/2023 01:05

I think you need to keep them and stop your son from chasing them , if necessary keep them in the room with access to the garden and keep your son out of that room . I appreciate he has autism ( as does our adult son ) but there should still be boundaries in place , he’s 7 he shouldn’t be dictating the entire house .

RoobarbandCustud · 12/07/2023 01:41

So sorry that you are facing this. I hope your son overcomes his aversion to animals as he grows. We had an older cat who rehomed herself with an elderly neighbour when we took in a cat bereaved by the death of a close relative. Our home had become untenable for the cat as the new boy (also old!) tormented her. We continued to pay for all food, worm/flea treatment, vaccinations and vet bills when she developed kidney problems because we knew the lady who looked after her had chosen not to have a cat because she couldn't afford to. If you continue to support the cats financially they may have a better chance of rehoming. Good luck.

user1477391263 · 12/07/2023 01:55

Cats only live about 15-16 years on average.

I'd try to work with the child on the issue, and PTS as a last resort. Rehoming would be very stressful for them.

Ketzele · 12/07/2023 02:11

My grandmother (who is 100, and poor as a church mouse) long term fosters a 15 year old cat who she loves to bits. The welfare charity pays her expenses, which means she can afford all the expenses of an elderly cat. She loves the cat fiercely, and the cat loves her. It's a good solution for an unadoptable cat.

If your local welfare groups don't run a similar scheme, you could offer to continue to pay vets fees which will make your cats much more adoptable.

Otherwise, I would seriously consider having your cats PTS. They are a good age, and probably too vulnerable to live outside.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You must be very upset.

Selttan · 12/07/2023 05:51

This must be very upsetting for you.

Is it possible to build a heated shelter for them to use in winter? Or do you have a room inside you could keep them in that's away from where your son goes?

Their age may be an issue - it's harder to rehome senior cats. Would a friend of family member be willing to take them on? Perhaps if you continued to pay for their upkeep.

FiveShelties · 12/07/2023 05:58

Spiceyrice · 11/07/2023 23:19

Hi OP, where are you based?

If you have no local friends or family who can take them, then I can, I’m experienced with cats and couldn’t bear reading this and the thought of them being PTS. PM me if you need to.

@Spiceyrice that is so kind of you.

Pawpatrolsucks · 12/07/2023 06:02

Unless you can get a friend to take the cats they are likely to be pts. I would build a small enclosure next to the laundry with a cat flap. Lock the laundry door so ds can’t get in there. This gives the cats a bit of space and hopefully ds can see the cats can’t get near him.

BlastedPimples · 12/07/2023 06:03

Can you create a little home for them outside? A snug little house.

Does your ds go to school? Can they come in whilst he's at school?

wearesuceeding · 12/07/2023 06:18

Can you not set up the insulated shed , and open a window to let your cats in when your DS is asleep at night?

Then give them breakfast early and put them outside in the mornings?

hattie43 · 12/07/2023 06:25

Could you somehow create some safe space in the house for them , failing that I'd get rid of the kid .