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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To look into rehoming my cats

86 replies

Mummypigisalwaysright · 11/07/2023 19:44

Ok so please read before judging!

We have two cats that are 14 years old this year, we had them before we had children and we do really love them.

DS7 is autistic, he has limited verbal skills but communicates effectively using learnt/repetitive words and phrases. He has an official diagnosis and attends a sen school.

Over the past three/four months he has become completely adverse to the presence of the cats in the house. This means that the cats are outside permanently and we feed them outside. If they come in the house he chases them out and will scream and cry (actual tears/sad crying) if he can't get them out. He will also not go outside. We have a lovely garden that I would love to take him out in but he simply refuses and melts down. Also I can't have the back door open even two minutes, my son will come and shut it.

The situation is becoming stressful as I don't want my cats to spend winter nighttime outside, I think that's not fair on them, particularly as they are used to coming inside. It's not so bad in summer, but snowy and icy weather, not great.

So I'm thinking of rehoming them, or failing that take them to a shelter. The current situation is just not good for anyone and I don't know if there is anything else I can do.

AIBU? Any advice or tips?

OP posts:
EvilElsa · 11/07/2023 20:24

I don't think I could bring myself to rehome 14 year old cats (I say this as a mum of an ASD child). Agree with looking at insulated outdoor living for them.

NBLarsen · 11/07/2023 20:26

You know at age 14 they are not going to be rehomed. What have you tried to help your son learn to be around them?
If they really have to go, paying a cat sitter to have them for an extended time would be more comfortable for them.

EarthlyNightshade · 11/07/2023 20:32

A home to home rehoming might be possible. There are definitely people who would take two older cats, but I wouldn't put them in a shelter in case they ended up there a long time. Is there anything in your area that offers home to homes?
At this stage they are slowing down and should be able to laze by the fire if that's what they want.

Whyohwhyohwhy123 · 11/07/2023 20:36

I think you’re going to have to make a cat garden shed. Good quality. Well insulated with electricity so they can have heated beds.
Cats are fine outside if they’ve a warm dry place to sleep. They can always pop in during the day when he’s out

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 11/07/2023 20:38

Nobody will want to rehome 14 year old cats, it sounds horrible and im a huge cat lover but they'll get stuck in a rescue.

I have a child with a learning disability who did the exact same thing, it took a LOT of time but I taught him to be kind to the cats now he loves them. Keep them in a separate room for now.

CherryGenoa · 11/07/2023 20:42

How stressful, you poor thing. 💐 Could you speak to the school about some strategies for helping your child to cope with animals? It could really affect their life when out and about as well.

A friend works at an animal charity and 14 year old cats, especially if they need to be homed together, would most unfortunately be PTS. I would recommend you buy a shed for outside, insulate it as best you can, and have a small heater on continuously in cold weather. Get them some igloo beds, and heated pads to go in the beds for cold nights. I would still seek strategies to help your child cope but at least you can be reassured about the cats. They will grow thick coats but should be perfectly ok.

Toddlerteaplease · 11/07/2023 20:56

What consequences does he have when he chases the cats? I get that he as additional needs. But he need to learn that he must not chase them.

Miajk · 11/07/2023 22:04

Mummypigisalwaysright · 11/07/2023 20:14

I can assure you we do not plan on having any more pets, ever. This is a very heartbreaking situation for us.

You clearly did not read my op properly, the cats are 14 years old, my son is 7. Nobody asks to have a sen child and this isn't a situation I don't think anyone could forsee.

Giving in is an incorrect assumption. If you have any ideas how I can integrate them I would be willing to try. He literally chases them out of the house. They are scared of him so they go.

You can foresee that life circumstances might change though. Pets could get Ill, need extra care, you could move overseas, you could have a SEN child, you could marry someone allergic to cats.

Pets should be a responsibility for life, the same way you wouldn't give up a child because the other child doesn't like it in the house - sadly too many people get pets and then dispose when things get hard. It's not fair or responsible.

You can still manage your son's behaviour - can you get support from a professional who can help navigate this? Now it's the cats but what if it was something or someone else? There's obviously a deeper issue here that needs resolved, and understanding why the change in his behaviour is a start.

Setting boundaries with him and making him adapt to cats in the house is the second step - if he's chasing cats away, he needs to go cool down in a separate room. Rinse and repeat. There is a way to deal with SEN children and I appreciate it's hard as like I mentioned I have a SEN sibling, but boundaries are needed and SEN or not cruelty towards animals or other people is not ok.

JudgeAnderson · 11/07/2023 22:10

Poor cats.

EmpressaurusOfCats · 11/07/2023 22:11

Poor cats.

I volunteer for a small independent rescue where all the cats are cared for in foster homes, including ones who can’t be or are unlikely to be rehomed. It sounds like somewhere like that would be your best bet if you can find one locally that has space.

Hufflemuff · 11/07/2023 22:41

Can you get a cat flap and then they can come in at least at night when your son is in bed or at school?

BunnyBettChetwynd · 11/07/2023 23:03

I feel so sorry for you OP . We rehomed our dog when she was three as her original owner's son's SENs meant she couldn't easily live with them any more and they could no longer give her the life she deserved. The original owner was heartbroken handing her over, but honestly it was the best thing for all of us. Our dear dog is very old now and has had the most amazing life with us, we're with her 24/7, take her camping and to our allotment and we couldn't love her more. She has a peaceful life and we're all quietly getting older together.

The ideas about making outdoor accommodation for the cats are great. Also, could you talk to local rescues about the possibility of adoption? Maybe elderly people would love older cats. I know some older people who are afraid of taking on young animals that might outlive them.

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 11/07/2023 23:09

You see if the cinnamon Trust can help, op.

If I were in a position to have them, I'd take them in a heartbeat.

IsItNormalFTM · 11/07/2023 23:10

Can a family member take them and you continue to pay all bills for food, insurance, vets fees etc? Older cats are hard to rehome and it would be sad for them to live out their days in a rescue

TeaKitten · 11/07/2023 23:14

Why can’t the cats come in at night time when he’s asleep? And during the day when he’s at school?

caringcarer · 11/07/2023 23:15

This reply has been deleted

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PartyRingFan · 11/07/2023 23:16

YABU. They are your responsibility. Nobody is going to rehome elderly cats that have grown accustomed to living outside. Put the money and time into creating a lovely heated hut for them and let them live out their days in your nice garden. They probably only have another 2 or 3 years to go. If you want to take your kid to explore the garden, then once you have fed the cats in the shelter, shut the door and keep them in their for an hour while you guys have garden time, then let them back out again

Grandana · 11/07/2023 23:18

So something better and more insulated for the cats outside might help. Breeding males often live in runs. Breeding queens too sometimes. It only needs to be better than the alternative, which may only be a cattery style rescue centre and no rehoming.

Anything else will depend on your house design. Is there a room that can be off limits to your son that the cats could have access to? A friend of mine had a cat that only came and went from an upstairs bedroom, believe it or not, because she was scared of the dog who lived downstairs.

School should also be able to work with your son on this. It must be so hard with limited communication but they should be well versed in dealing with specific anxieties. Often these are about things that can't be avoided or rehomed - many anxieties do just have to be tackled. With a place in special school they should have the resources to work with him one on one on this. With my son they have worked through with him and while he's still struggling with his specific fear, things are noticeably better.

Spiceyrice · 11/07/2023 23:19

Hi OP, where are you based?

If you have no local friends or family who can take them, then I can, I’m experienced with cats and couldn’t bear reading this and the thought of them being PTS. PM me if you need to.

caringcarer · 11/07/2023 23:21

No reason why cats can't be in the house while this child is at school and in bed. The cats have done nothing wrong. They are not the ones that should be punished.

Springbecamethesummer · 11/07/2023 23:23

It's a shame as nobody really wants to take on cats that age, plus cats hate change, it would be incredibly stressful for them.
I would buy outdoor cat kennels, l have two,, l got the kennels before l had the catflap fitted, so they had shelter if it rained when when l was out. I also have a catflap on the shed door, my cats do live inside with us, but good to have these options as l have four and they need their own space.
if you insulate the kennels they will be warm enough, l would also feed them extra in the winter. I think this is a better option than trying to rehome them at this age, and they need to stay together.

Clymene · 11/07/2023 23:26

I'm really sorry, what an impossible situation. This is going to sound awful but id speak to your vet about euthanasia. 14 year old bonded pairs will be very difficult to rehome and I think that would be kinder than spending years in a shelter

NewspaperTaxis · 11/07/2023 23:27

Eloweeese · 11/07/2023 19:57

Yes it's the right thing to do. When my mum died I had to re home her cat. The cats protection took her. I gave a donation of £300 to cover their bills for finding another home for her

Is the Cats Protection the same as witness protection? Do they get new names?

TeaKitten · 11/07/2023 23:28

NewspaperTaxis · 11/07/2023 23:27

Is the Cats Protection the same as witness protection? Do they get new names?

Show quote history

Such a random comment.

Sunshineandrainbow · 11/07/2023 23:32

I would have an outdoor shed for them. Straw as instalation in boxes.
Loads of inspiration online to make it great. .