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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend disappearing

67 replies

BLT24 · 11/07/2023 15:56

I have a question relating to friendships changing.

I’m late 30s and have been close friends with someone since university. Shared all major life events together since. She has kids, we don’t. Me and my husband are her children’s god parents. We were super close when kids were little, they are now 10 and 7.

Over the last couple of years I’ve noticed her taking a big step back from our friendship. Doesn’t invite me and my husband round to their house anymore (used to go every couple of months). Doesn’t ask us to do anything. We’ve met up every 5-6 months (they live 20 mins away) for the last 2 years and always when I’ve suggested we do something with her kids or just me and her.

She only ever gets in touch to ask how I am. Most of the time I then don’t get a reply when I reply to her, or any reply if I try to start a new conversation. This all started during lockdown. I thought she had perhaps been struggling to reply and keep up with job and kids etc. However in the past 12 months she has started updating her entire life on FB and it’s clear they are meeting up with all of their other friends, going on date nights, going to places they usually would have invited us to go to. I’ve spoken to her by phone and invited her to things and been told she’ll come back to me and she hasn’t, this has happened 3 times this year, we’ve gone ahead and gone on our own so I haven’t chased. Anyway long story short I’m basically feeling ignored, and like she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Literally not a single clue as to why.

I want to ask her what’s going on, try to repair the relationship if possible. Husband says any effort she makes after that (if she does) will be fake and she’ll only do it to save face. He says the genuine friendship has already gone because it’s rude to not reply to someone.

AIBU to just completely cut her off?

OP posts:
Blankscreen · 11/07/2023 16:00

Sounds like there is an issue between your husband and her. Your husband doesn't want you to be friends by the sounds of it.

You need to ask her what has gone on.

Original poster
BLT24 · 11/07/2023 16:03

@Blankscreen her doesn’t have any issue with her per se, he has never has said a bad word about her, but he genuinely thinks she’s decided she doesn’t want the same relationship with me anymore and I should respect her wishes and not try to carry on with a ‘fake relationship’ as he knows it’s really upsetting me.

OP posts:
CrystalCoco · 11/07/2023 16:08

She's ghosting you. As hurtful as it is there's probably not much you can do other than accept her decision to no longer be friends. You could ask her outright, but from what you've written, it's unlikely you'd get a response.

purplecorkheart · 11/07/2023 16:09

How do you get on with her dh?
How is your dh in their company?
Does her dh and your dh have much in common?

Sometimes friendships just drift.

Original poster
BLT24 · 11/07/2023 16:11

@CrystalCoco thank you. That is exactly what my husband said also. Perhaps our lives will converge together again but right now I need/want to fill my time with other things.

OP posts:
Original poster
BLT24 · 11/07/2023 16:13

@purplecorkheart all of us have always gotten on really well together and both husbands have very similar jobs and interests, socialising/holidaying both with and without the kids for 20+ years.

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 11/07/2023 16:19

We’ve met up every 5-6 months (they live 20 mins away) for the last 2 years and always when I’ve suggested we do something with her kids or just me and her.

Either she doesn't like your husband, or her husband doesn't like you, or her husband doesn't like your husband.

You sound like maybe you want it to be all or nothing, so that you either see each other regularly and as couples, or you don't see each other at all.

I personally have plenty of good friends that I don't see particularly frequently, or whose partners aren't part of the friendship, so to me cutting her off entirely rather than meeting up with her on her own now and again, seems quite extreme and a bit weird. But if you feel you can't be friends with her on those terms then of course you're perfectly within your rights to phase her out of your life completely, if you wish.

SadKendall · 11/07/2023 16:20

It sounds like your friendship is just drifting. You're in different places in your life. People grow apart. Not everyone stats friends forever.

There might not be a problem per se, she may just feel that she's outgrown the friendship. These things happen.

IamnotSethRogan · 11/07/2023 16:28

*Sounds like there is an issue between your husband and her. Your husband doesn't want you to be friends by the sounds of it.

You need to ask her what has gone on.*

That's quite a leap based on the pretty reasonable sounding advise her DH gave

Original poster
BLT24 · 11/07/2023 16:35

@ManateeFair my decision to cut her off would not be based on us not meeting up as couples anymore. It’s based on her not replying to me on multiple occasions both to my messages and to my invites to do things over the phone and her not asking me/us to go anywhere. We did things regularly just me and her (far more so than as a couple or with the kids) but that has also stopped. Not seen her in the last six months and I’ve also been through a very difficult time personally so that’s made it a bit more difficult to bare her lack of contact.

OP posts:
WildUnchartedWaters · 11/07/2023 16:42

I felt like this about one of my best friends.
I messaged her and explained how I felt and could we work on us (total no blame approach).
It worked. We are better than ever.

Worth a try?

Translucentwaters · 11/07/2023 16:45

There is no need to cut her off.

Pull back and wait for her to get in touch - when she does you will know she is still invested in the friendship, if she doesn’t you have your answer. If she asks what is happening be honest, that you have felt ignored quite literally in a gentle way.

She probably has friends that have children that they meet up with as a family. Typical ages to do family gatherings with other families. Family life is extremely busy and can be relentless, so she might still care very much but have very little time.

Original poster
BLT24 · 11/07/2023 16:47

@WildUnchartedWaters sounds silly but I have no idea what to say, I’ve never been in this situation.

OP posts:
EvilElsa · 11/07/2023 16:48

I'd just let it go. She clearly doesn't want to carry on your friendship anymore and as much as that hurts, I absolutely wouldn't go begging. If she wanted to sort things out she could have taken steps to do so. You've made the approaches to keep the friendship alive and she hasn't responded. Leave it now and see if she makes any effort. It might not be that you have done anything "wrong" she just might feel the friendship has run it's course (like lots do).

WildUnchartedWaters · 11/07/2023 16:52

BLT24 · 11/07/2023 16:47

@WildUnchartedWaters sounds silly but I have no idea what to say, I’ve never been in this situation.

Hi x.
I have always really valued our friendship but I feel like recently ive not heard from you as much and I miss our friendship. Could we maybe have a chat about it when it suits you? I miss you and I'd really like to see if we can find that again.

Balls un her court. PP will tell you to cut her off, never to bother again, but its real life and if you want to try you should

NigellaAwesome · 11/07/2023 17:01

@WildUnchartedWaters that is a lovely message

WildUnchartedWaters · 11/07/2023 17:13

NigellaAwesome · 11/07/2023 17:01

@WildUnchartedWaters that is a lovely message

It worked for me.

Not eaying it alwyas will but I think its worth considering. If they donr respond well you've lost nothing. I despise all this talk of begging etc when its best friends of years. It's not power play. For us, life had just got in the way and she was so grateful I reached out.

Original poster
BLT24 · 11/07/2023 17:13

@Translucentwaters She still messages me every now and then asking how I am etc but then doesn’t read my messages or reply. I a ent a message a month ago and it’s been left unread 😂 do I keep replying and not getting a response?

OP posts:
LadyEloise1 · 11/07/2023 17:15

This is hard to hear @BLT24 but perhaps your dh came on to her and she didn't want the attention etc so the best thing for her to do is not be around him and is embarrassed/upset around you and can't tell you because your world would come crashing down.
Another option, ghastly as it is - inappropriate with your dc ?

It happened to me. With a mere acquaintance. A very nice one.
Her dh came on to me.
Now I run away (almost) when I see them.
I wouldn't tell her. I might not be believed.
He would twist it probably and say I came on to him.
Better for me to keep away.

But it could just be the friendship with your friend has run its course. Sad

Translucentwaters · 11/07/2023 17:15

BLT24 · 11/07/2023 17:13

@Translucentwaters She still messages me every now and then asking how I am etc but then doesn’t read my messages or reply. I a ent a message a month ago and it’s been left unread 😂 do I keep replying and not getting a response?

No, definitely not 😂
Stop messaging, do nothing at all, and wait and see how long it takes for to message you.
There will be the answer.

Createausername1970 · 11/07/2023 17:16

Perhaps she finds more in common with other people who have kids. It may not be anything personal against you, but as kids grow up sometimes your social life as a parent can get entwined with your kids and parents of the kids they are friendly with. I think maybe her life as a parent with growing children is changing and evolving in ways yours isn't. That is not a criticism.

I would suggest stop contacting her and mentally move on, but keep her on the xmas card and birthday card list for a few years, and put a chatty note in with them, keep the door open, and if she does find her way back to you then you can decide what you want to do about it.

I honestly don't think it necessarily has to be something you or you DH have done or not done, its just life.

Translucentwaters · 11/07/2023 17:17

LadyEloise1 · 11/07/2023 17:15

This is hard to hear @BLT24 but perhaps your dh came on to her and she didn't want the attention etc so the best thing for her to do is not be around him and is embarrassed/upset around you and can't tell you because your world would come crashing down.
Another option, ghastly as it is - inappropriate with your dc ?

It happened to me. With a mere acquaintance. A very nice one.
Her dh came on to me.
Now I run away (almost) when I see them.
I wouldn't tell her. I might not be believed.
He would twist it probably and say I came on to him.
Better for me to keep away.

But it could just be the friendship with your friend has run its course. Sad

That oddly happened to me too, is his name Simon? Too many Simons in the world. It ruined a really good friendship.

LadyEloise1 · 11/07/2023 17:18

@Translucentwaters
No his name is not Simon. So there's 2 of them at least. 🙄

stonedaisy · 11/07/2023 17:24

I agree she doesn't like your man

longestlurkerever · 11/07/2023 17:25

Her kids might have reached an awkward age where they're likely to be rude and surly if the occasion isn't on their terms and make getting together with adult friends a bit stressful rather than a pleasure. I don't agree with your husband that any relationship after a state of the Union chat would be fake - she might just realise she needs to put more effort in if she values the friendship, and do that. Or it might be deliberate ghosting and you might have that subtly or less subtly confirmed if you confront it. It's a risk, but if the status quo is eating you up I'd take it.