Best friend disappearing

[BLT24]

I have a question relating to friendships changing.

I’m late 30s and have been close friends with someone since university. Shared all major life events together since. She has kids, we don’t. Me and my husband are her children’s god parents. We were super close when kids were little, they are now 10 and 7.

Over the last couple of years I’ve noticed her taking a big step back from our friendship. Doesn’t invite me and my husband round to their house anymore (used to go every couple of months). Doesn’t ask us to do anything. We’ve met up every 5-6 months (they live 20 mins away) for the last 2 years and always when I’ve suggested we do something with her kids or just me and her.

She only ever gets in touch to ask how I am. Most of the time I then don’t get a reply when I reply to her, or any reply if I try to start a new conversation. This all started during lockdown. I thought she had perhaps been struggling to reply and keep up with job and kids etc. However in the past 12 months she has started updating her entire life on FB and it’s clear they are meeting up with all of their other friends, going on date nights, going to places they usually would have invited us to go to. I’ve spoken to her by phone and invited her to things and been told she’ll come back to me and she hasn’t, this has happened 3 times this year, we’ve gone ahead and gone on our own so I haven’t chased. Anyway long story short I’m basically feeling ignored, and like she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Literally not a single clue as to why.

I want to ask her what’s going on, try to repair the relationship if possible. Husband says any effort she makes after that (if she does) will be fake and she’ll only do it to save face. He says the genuine friendship has already gone because it’s rude to not reply to someone.

AIBU to just completely cut her off?

Why? What in the OP's posts tells you that?

I've been in this situation and it's very painful. I've come out of the other side more now but I'll never forget the pain of a best friend who I thought would always be there slowly edging and ghosting her way out of my life.
For my own mental health I had to let it go and not confront. I stepped back and she didn't step forward. Haven't seen her for two years now. It gets easier as time moves on, op. I'm probably less reliant on friends in general these days which has probably worked out better for me to be honest, I'm more self reliant and keep more energy for myself and my family.

If you have to chase after someone who isn't replying, the friendship is not there anymore imho.

😳 something similar happened to me with a Simon! Cornered me in their kitchen and told me it was only down to poor timing that we weren’t an item. And that when our marriages broke up we should be together. He just knew we would have “beautiful sex” 🤮 It was total skin crawly icky hideous. I let that friendship slide away without saying anything. We weren’t that close though. I think they are still together (as are me and DH) 15 years later.

Yes I was cornered too, he looks like a slug!! Revolting experience.

@Createausername1970 thanks that makes a lot of sense about the kids. It would be nice though if she just replied and said she was busy.

@Slimeinthecarpet I think my approach may end up being very similar. My mental health can’t really take this situation anymore. I want to step back rather than cut off completely. And see what happens. But it’s just the lack of replies that’s really getting to me. I’m just a very honest person and wouldn’t do that to someone.

Sometimes no reason op. Its hurtful. Ive been ghosted this year. Let another go as just felt all one sided. No point chasing people.

@BLT24 agreed, its horrible to watch a really close friend behaving differently towards you and prioritising other friends. I know that friends come and go but sometimes you expect certain friends to stay and it can be so painful when things change. My reasons for not confronting were that if my friendship was still important she would make the effort to stay in touch and that didn't happen so that was my answer! I think my happiness was very dependant on other people / friends and that has changed now so there have been some upsides now I'm coming out the other side!

As hard as it is, OP, I agree with your husband. She’s ghosting you. Don’t text her back, don’t chase her. Just move on. You might never know why.
I’m gently trying to move away from one of my old friends because I don’t agree with how she behaves but that (a) is up to her but also (b) far too harsh for me to tell her outright. So I don’t respond very quickly to messages and don’t get into conversations with her. Or she could just have a lot going on and it not be about you at all.

Some people on here will do what ever they can to blame men. How do you get to, your husband came on to her?
This must be very hurtful and confusing but I think all you can do is let go. Don't block or confront. Mourne the loss and let it go.

Hi OP, it sounds like she is doing the bare minimum to keep the friendship going.

I was once your friend - my best friend of many years changed, and not for the better. She was hard work to be around and was always so bitter and arrogant when we were out in a group. It changed the way I thought of her and what I thought our friendship was. It was very much I was her friend, but she wasn't mine. I'd keep in touch as I felt I had to to be honest with you, but I was happier socialising with others who were more relaxed , easy going and not such hard work when out. Shendidn't have kids so couldn't understand why I was so tired sometimes etc.
Now I'm not saying this is the case with you, but do you think something has happened that makes her feel like she has to back off a little and only do the minimum?

This. I agree with your husband.

@Oopsididitagaintomorrow I don’t have any clue at all. Our interests are still aligned when though they have kids. We’re all really nice polite people 😂. I don’t drink so neither me or my husband haven’t said something that I don’t remember! I can totally accept seeing someone less often especially if the kids now want to socialise with their friends and not with their parents friends!! But it’s the lack of replies that tells me there is an issue and she is not being honest. I personally haven’t and wouldn’t ghost someone. But everyone is different.

@Oopsididitagaintomorrow that meant to say ‘even though they have kids and we don’t’

Not to derail OP's thread, but good Lord, I'm at the point now where if I meet a Simon, I take an instant (probably unfair, but more often than not, not) disliking to them, as out of the six that I have known, five have turned out to be complete knobs!

@Hadjab the only Simon Ive known (and it’s not my husband 😂) I haven’t liked either

Honestly if your last message from a month ago has gone unread still, I wouldn't be chasing her anymore. I would be taking a step back, unfollowing (not unfriending) on all social media so I didn't see what she was up to and leave the ball in her court.

If she then eventually messages, you message back and she again doesn't reply and its an open message there should be a reply to then I wouldn't even be replying to her messages going forward. She has made you feel rubbish and thats not a good friendship.

@BLT24 then I'm at a loss lol
I wasn't suggesting you were horrible or anything, just coming at it from a different view point....you do indeed sound lovely 😁

Glad my dh is not called Simon 👀

Agree @Ejismyf friends and in particular really good friends shouldn't leave you hanging!!

I have good friends where we go through phases of being in and out of touch. So a very old friend of 20plus years will leave messages unread unless I nudge and vice versa. I sometimes don’t reply to old friends for lots of reasons - mostly not because I don’t like them. New friends I tend to be more on the ball with as we don’t yet have that security of knowing we are permanent features in each others lives even if not in touch for months.

Oh, and I only know one Simon and he’s lovely and not at all creepy 😊

As someone who has been in your shoes and been ghosted with no idea why, it's bloody horrible isn't it 😕 you have 2 options, 1) message and ask directly why she is ghosting you. 2) step back, forget about her and if/when she gets in touch see how you feel then and decide how to respond. I personally would recommend option 2 but only you can decide if that's an option you can handle, if it's going to continue to play on your mind and bother you then you've no choice but to go option 1. If however you go for option 1 I think you need to accept the friendship is probably over for good. Whatever you decide good luck x

She may just be at a phase where socialising tends to happen with families with kids of the same age. I know we’ve been guilty of that. And also much as I love my 1-2-1 friendships I just don’t have much time to indulge in them.

this doesn’t explain the lack of communication though.