Best friend disappearing

[BLT24]

I have a question relating to friendships changing.

I’m late 30s and have been close friends with someone since university. Shared all major life events together since. She has kids, we don’t. Me and my husband are her children’s god parents. We were super close when kids were little, they are now 10 and 7.

Over the last couple of years I’ve noticed her taking a big step back from our friendship. Doesn’t invite me and my husband round to their house anymore (used to go every couple of months). Doesn’t ask us to do anything. We’ve met up every 5-6 months (they live 20 mins away) for the last 2 years and always when I’ve suggested we do something with her kids or just me and her.

She only ever gets in touch to ask how I am. Most of the time I then don’t get a reply when I reply to her, or any reply if I try to start a new conversation. This all started during lockdown. I thought she had perhaps been struggling to reply and keep up with job and kids etc. However in the past 12 months she has started updating her entire life on FB and it’s clear they are meeting up with all of their other friends, going on date nights, going to places they usually would have invited us to go to. I’ve spoken to her by phone and invited her to things and been told she’ll come back to me and she hasn’t, this has happened 3 times this year, we’ve gone ahead and gone on our own so I haven’t chased. Anyway long story short I’m basically feeling ignored, and like she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Literally not a single clue as to why.

I want to ask her what’s going on, try to repair the relationship if possible. Husband says any effort she makes after that (if she does) will be fake and she’ll only do it to save face. He says the genuine friendship has already gone because it’s rude to not reply to someone.

AIBU to just completely cut her off?

I feel for you OP. This happened with a friend of mine.

I suppose you just have to accept they aren’t interested and move on.

I do think it’s shit not to tell people if there’s a reason.

If this was a romantic relationship, you’d expect a reason, even if it was just the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ line.

but in friendships, we don’t really have that kind of etiquette for ending things.

OP I went through exactly the same. Old friend slowly cut me off and after months of fobbing me off I genuinely believed something was up like she was depressed or something so I began to phone her and send voice notes asking if she was OK, I was worried etc. I am not terribly forward usually and resent that I put myself out there and ultimately made a fool of myself. She would reply about 4 days late saying sorry I'm busy. Once i asked her outright why she had stopped contact and she never replied. I eventually stopped trying and didn't hear from her again. That was 5 years ago. She is still in touch with 2 of the 'old gang' but also cut out another two, but I was much more friends with her than the others so it doesn't bother them so much. It's like she wrote a list one day. It affected me terribly, much more than i ever thought. I get anxious now if I don't hear from friends and I analyse our chats afterwards in my head in case I've said the wrong thing.

@LaMaG the anxiety is terrible I totally understand how you feel

If she is a very close friend to you and is very important in your life then it's absolutely worth having a frank conversation with her about how you are feeling really hurt by the change in her. You aren't doing anything wrong to bring this up and hopefully it might actually get her to open up to you about why she's been the way she has. Any friendship worth keeping should be comfortable enough to talk things through at least before making the decision to just stop completely.

They’ve clearly been sent to torment us! 🤣

Op was just thinking about this and had one more comment to make! For those who are saying 'I have loads of old friends and we rarely meet up, thats normal, why would you confront that's so intense?' I think it's actually much more subtle than that. You can sort of feel in your gut when a romantic partner is pulling away and it's a similar feeling with a very close friend, I found out two years ago. It's really painful and it feels like a rejection because their behaviour towards you makes you feel unsettled and insecure in the friendship somehow, yet because they are not a romantic partner, it's much harder to have that chat.

I also have several very old friendships and we might only see each other once a year but I don't have the same insecure feeling with them because I know they are still invested in the friendship. But it's that not knowing whether the close friend values the friendship in the way they did that hurts so much. And knowing things have changed because they are ghosting you. Bloody hurts!

I came to the realisation that I deserved more from any future friendship and also that I also didn't want to be in a friendship that now felt weird and uncomfortable so those things helped me to let go. Also I decided that it was good to make new friendships and develop and grow. I have a few potential new friendships in my life but honestly my appetite for friendship has completely changed and the odd playdate mummy coffee situ is just fine with me, combined with a few old friends I see from time to time. That's just perfect for me at the moment! I value my own time and time with my family so much more than I did.

You will be okay op x

It's her loss OP. You seem very kind and thoughtful.

I've been ghosted before twice that I can think of. I would have appreciated a chat where they let me know what I had done, but they didn't do that for whatever reason. Now I simply don't care and feel sad for them that they cut me out because I know I'm a good person and a good friend.

Focus on friendships with people who love and enjoy your company and appreciate you.

@Slimeinthecarpet thank you for your comments that’s really thoughtful of you, you sound absolutely lovely and any friend is lucky to have you. I totally agree it’s a gut feeling that something is off. I have another friend from school who had twins a few years ago and I only see her twice a year now but she never ignores my messages and has been really open about finding it difficult to meet up due to DC and isn’t flaunting all their other friendships on social media whilst I wait yet another month for a reply to a message! I’ve pretty much made a decision not to confront, but to take a step back. No more chasing. And filling the void with other interests. I’m lucky I have other friends who appreciate me and a great family.

@Rebuildingconfidence thank you for your lovely comments and that is exactly what I’m going to do. I feel so much better already.

Focus on your family and other friendships.

I lost one of my best friends this year and it was hard. Still is. Will take time. Focusing on the ones that matter.

I read a quote a while back. Which is totally true. "One of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Is grieve the loss of a person who is still alive." X

If she does do this, then rather than replying with “I’m good thanks, how are you?” which is leaving an open question unanswered.

I’d reply with a simple “I’m fine thanks. Hope you’re ok”. So you’re not allowing her to think you’re sitting around waiting for a response, but also not completely shutting down any further response she may want to give.

I agree with others that you don’t need to cut her off completely yet, but I’d definitely be taking a step back from the friendship. Because it’s very one sided at the moment and mentally draining for you. It puts the onus on her to make the effort and if she doesn’t make any, then you have your answer.

It’s hard. I lost a friend once. No explanation. Others have lost her since. It’s about her not us. I’ve not spoken to her for about 10 years but met someone not long ago who thought we were in touch as she spoke about me often. I’ve no idea why.

@BLT24 thanks and likewise!

Hope you are feeling a bit better now x

Sadly I think the real reason is that she would rather hang around with other parents as she feels they get parenthood. After having dd I mostly hung around with other parents although I still loved my non parent friends....we were just in different places.
Massive jump to conclusion that some have about husband coming on to her bt you never know I guess.

@malificent7 they hang around with plenty of other people who don’t have kids. The husband thing is just ridiculous and did not happen 😂

I agree with this. We have different friendships that work for us at various stages of our lives.
Maybe her new friends have children and it just works better right now?
It doesn’t mean you lose the friendship, just accept it’s shifted.

If it really is bothering you then definitely message her and ask.

@BLT24 I have been in your position and tried to reach out but to no avail. If you asked me a few years ago whether this relationship would be what it is now I would have said no way, we had been close friends for 30 years! I have not cut this person off as I still wish her a happy birthday etc but I think that will probably fade out in a year or two. I agree with just replying with very simple replies and suggesting no meetups.