To be done with autism

[stargirl1701]

I'm done with it.

DD1 is autistic. She is nearly 11, diagnosed at 5. We have made numerous adjustments at home. School have made numerous adjustments. All to no avail.

She swore and kicked her little sister yesterday. Immediate consequence no screens for 24 hours and sent to her room. Of course, meltdown. 2 HOURS later after punching and kicking me she complies.

I'm done.

The needs of the many are now coming first. I'm on my sixth anti-depressant, DD2 is terrified in her own home, DH spends his life walking the dog trying to remain calm in the face is extreme provocation.

I'm done. No more. The 3 of us are coming first for the first time in more than a decade. I'm done.

No more empathy. No more trying to understand. Done.

No matter what we do, she has violent meltdowns. She thinks of no-one but herself. Modelling doesn't work. Talking incidents through doesn't work. She won't use any strategy she has been taught to avoid a meltdown.

I'm done. Time to live our lives.

I hear you @HoneySoyChickenCrisps

This is excellent advice. Routine, Routine. Routine. It's the only way my now adult daughter can function.

The lockdowns did an absolute number on her.

Odfod

My kids do not have autism and I noticed that their behaviour is markedly more pleasent and relaxed when screens and devices are not available and used.
We have considerable cut down screen time and make an effort to engage with each other more rather than all be watching or doing things on separate screens.
The world of instant gratification that the young ones are so used to now does nothing to promote patience and tolerance.
Sure if your previous approach has not borne success then why not try the school of hard nots.

Someone mentioned low demand, so I thought I’d tell you what low demand looks like for ds (he’s 18 now, things are much easier, but we regularly need to go back into low demand mode to work out what’s going on and how to help). I hope this doesn’t come across as patronising, but this was our survival strategy, not perfect, but we survived.

For several years (I think he was 8 when I learnt about pda) the only demands he had on him were brushing his teeth twice a day, taking his inhalers and wearing a seatbelt in the car. That was literally his limit for demands. Everything else was negotiable.

I took him out of school at 11 because he couldn’t cope at all. He was much calmer for this, and we spent the days doing things he was interested in and he learnt that way.
Time with siblings still had to be monitored carefully and were still traumatic at times, but he got better at taking himself away when necessary. He was 13 the last time he punched me. He still spat at me regularly, but that was far less painful than being punched and kicked! He stopped spitting by 14.

It takes time. It takes a huge step back and dropping everything you know about standard parenting, because for some children it just doesn’t work. I was criticised so often, but at the end of the day the main thing is getting through it. Ds is 18 now and far more civilised, but it took a hell of a lot to get here.

It’s not rude to correct her. It’s doing her a favour for the future, saving her blushes. You look a bit silly not being able to use the correct word.

I spoke to the Child Disability Social Worker about respite yesterday. She is yet to get back to me.

My kids do not have autism and I noticed that their behaviour is markedly more pleasent and relaxed when screens and devices are not available and used.

Your kids aren’t autistic. Normal rules tend not to apply with autistic children.

No, I don't think you have to give up on your marriage and live separately forever.

I think you get another living space (if you can) for the short-term, live as a family unit but go your own separate ways when you need to, to give you all the break you need.

When my parents did this my dad still came and took me to school. Was still there for meal times, was still there after school and at the weekends. Sometimes my brother or I would stay at his. We were very much a family and that time separated but together whilst he sorted out his MH probably saved their marriage.

I have an 11 year old diagnosed with ASD (Aspergers) - your approach is coming from a place of pain and anger. It's NEVER a gold place to make decisions from.

Your child is just that, a child. If you give up on her, then there's literally no hope for her, and she'll get that message loud and clear.

You need boundaries in the home, but your suggestions, confined to her room and meals alone, are not boundaries but punishments, rejection, and isolation.

Are you able to access therapy for her? She needs help understanding why she is wired as she is, within which she also needs a separation of ASD traits and negative behaviour for the sake of it. An outsider will be able to help with this.

Sorry Op, Professor Andy McDonnell is the man behind the low arousal technique and you can google him.

How kind and generous of you, correcting a simple pulling mistake to save her from "blushes" 🙄

Or maybe most normal people don't blush from a simple typo.

How about her terrified little sister? Does she get a chance for her nervous system to totally calm down?

It's extremely stressful for autistic people to have to be engaged with other people for long periods of time, and doing it more doesn't make it easier. Having an escape, whether that's a screen or a book or other absorbing hobby, is vital.

DD1's current demands:

Brush teeth x2 daily. Use silicone finger brush if not able to use chosen brush plus SLS free toothpaste.

Take prescribed medicine in the evening with Nutella.

Don't attack your sister.

Have a bath once a week at the time of her choosing.

Wear a seatbelt (with comfy cover) in the car.

I can't think of anything else. Seems pretty fucking reasonable to me.

Fucking hell. Did that make you feel better? What a disgrace of a human you are.
OP, there are people on here who get their kicks from kicking people when they are down. Any responses like the one above are doing just that.
Is there any way you can get her into a residential placement? I'm in England but a friend of a friend has just fought and won a place at a residential school in Yorkshire for her 9 year old. Was the Social Worker at all helpful or have ANY suggestions?
I'm sorry you are going through this and I really do feel so sorry for you all, especially DD2.

As the mother of an autistic child and someone who has worked with SEN kids for years, I understand the frustration but YABU.

She didn’t ask to have ASD, she didn’t even ask to be born, you chose to have a child. Yes, not one with ASD but it’s not her fault she has it (not that it’s yours either) but you can’t just decide you’re not going to deal with it anymore. You need to contact your GP and ask for more support for her, ask for an OT referral and counselling.

I have been on antidepressants and mood stabilisers for years, I am chronically ill and disabled- I am a wheelchair user and live with pain every minute of the day. One of my kids has pda/asd, severe adhd, and sensory processing disorder. He also has a physical disability.

Believe me I understand parenting in difficult circumstances. I’m collecting my child from the one day he is able tp access education, a considerable drive away- I will drive home while dealing with the inevitable meltdown because I HAVE to go to the doctor this evening so he will have to leave the house… the ops attitude is all kinds of wrong.

@Folioh

oh really? How should OP be parenting then exactly?

@Amuseaboosh

She's on the waiting list for counselling from the local charity.

She's done OT and SaLT.

And the other child? Oh, wait, NT so has no importance. Got it.
The utter fucking callousness of some posters here

At only 11 I would ban screens altogether. They are not helping an already upset mind.

This is helpful.

I admire your stance OP and wish you all the very best with it. I really hope it makes for a happier household for you all.