To be done with autism

[stargirl1701]

I'm done with it.

DD1 is autistic. She is nearly 11, diagnosed at 5. We have made numerous adjustments at home. School have made numerous adjustments. All to no avail.

She swore and kicked her little sister yesterday. Immediate consequence no screens for 24 hours and sent to her room. Of course, meltdown. 2 HOURS later after punching and kicking me she complies.

I'm done.

The needs of the many are now coming first. I'm on my sixth anti-depressant, DD2 is terrified in her own home, DH spends his life walking the dog trying to remain calm in the face is extreme provocation.

I'm done. No more. The 3 of us are coming first for the first time in more than a decade. I'm done.

No more empathy. No more trying to understand. Done.

No matter what we do, she has violent meltdowns. She thinks of no-one but herself. Modelling doesn't work. Talking incidents through doesn't work. She won't use any strategy she has been taught to avoid a meltdown.

I'm done. Time to live our lives.

I can fully understand why you are focusing on violence as a line in the sand. No one should be hit or kicked.
The last few pages have had examples where it’s been taken out of families hands with police involvement.
Age of criminal responsibility is a bit higher in Scotland it’s 12 but the dd is only a year off.
If she attacks mum especially in public then potentially there will be ramifications.
Is she violent to none family?

A NDN of my DM has an autistic DS. As a child and whilst growing up he was awful. He liked to sell animal charity products door to door in the area and outside a supermarket which was great but then it got to the stage that it was irritating to feel like you had to buy something or donate to the charity. Luckily that stopped when someone complained to the charity. He was obsessed with right and wrong and criminals and once had me call the police as he’d got into an abandoned car but was trying to drive it… (someone had left the keys inside). He had washing issues and liked lotion put on every day in an intimate place by his DM and his bottom wiped. In the end with the help of my DM who’d worked as a Senco with special needs children they came up with ways so he could gradually do things himself. I think he did like the power he had over his DM sometimes but was stuck in the pattern of liking it. He constantly had violent outbursts which did get worse in puberty. His DM would’ve sent him away to a residential school and I think at one point there was talk of funding for this but she’d have felt very guilty sending him there.

In the end when he reached 18 she asked him to leave home but found him a flat where social services pay most of the rent, she covers the rest and he has a job for bills and other expenses. He’s much happier there (it took a change of one flat and area though) and his DM is much happier, remarried and his younger DSis is much happier. He bullied her and was very unpleasant to her. I hate to say it but if he was my child I’d have put him into a residential home if I could’ve done. Well I don’t know what I’d do as he isn’t my child but I can see why some parents would do that. Her only escape from him was when he was at school and when she worked every Saturday.

It sounds like you've tried almost everything. Sometimes firmer boundaries do work better. I'd say its worth a try.

My younger 2 dcs spend most of their time in separate spaces to limit the kick odds at each other.

Younger ds is the same age as your daughter and luckily enjoys spending time in his room or in his little cubby hole where he has a desk. Where as older ds who has the same prefers to be downstairs.

They both like to eat on their own so that's what they do quite a lot of the time, even if it means one of them wants to eat upstairs

Things are a lot calmer these days. I hope you can find something that works for your family. Quite frankly it can all be shit , many of us have moments where we have just had a enough

I hear you, OP, I really do.

My eldest has violent meltdowns. We have to keep her away from her younger sisters. She is also 11.

Apologies if you've already answered this; am replying quickly. Does she get enough sleep? We've found that melatonin helps DD1 sleep better, which in turn helps her control herself better. Regular meltdowns have become very irregular - the last was 3 weeks ago. And they're shorter, easier to help her through.

@AutismProf

You are correct to say it is very difficult to disregard the teacher in me. I have changed though as a teacher over the three decades. DD1 has made me an infinitely better teacher. I don't use punishment or reward in my classroom. I did in the 1990s but I look back in horror at Golden Time and the damage I did as a young teacher.

We used Plan B quite early after she was diagnosed when she was about 6 years old. It just seemed to make no difference.

It's worth re-visiting with her at 11. I will try again.

It’ll be really interesting to see what the outcome is of this change. You should keep us in the loop.

This. It will be interesting, i wonder if very clear, black and white boundaries with zero room for interpretation could even help

@Msplace

Either RTFT or DOFD

Yes!! All of this.

I'm sorry to read you are struggling. I haven't read all the posts as my daughter is back from school and I don't get a second. She requires my attention constantly. I spend 3 hours a day making up stories that I text to school, on the way back and an hour in the evening. I feel like I am going mad. I also have to pretend to be a baby all the time which drives me nuts.
The big difference for my daughter was going to a secondary school for Girls with autism. It meant a tribunal and a year out of school, delaying her schooling by a year. The school has been transformational , my daughter is flourishing. It doesn't change everything but really helps. I've got to go as I am being screamed at that I'm ignoring her.

FUCK OFF with your disgusting ableism. Seriously.

I think the op.knows her daughter better than a,stranger on the internet
And as the saying goes if you have met one person with autism.you have met one person with autism.
What works for one child might not work for another as the spectrum.is so vast and people all have different needs

@LeafCuttingAnt

No EOTAS.

Another avenue may be pursuing a CSP which does have legal backing. Another massive protracted battle against the LA.

Ds is autistic and he understands that he has to live in a NT world. Thankfully any aggression was normally against inanimate objects rather than people and his 3 sisters are very protective of him. Constant reinforcement from a young age helped him though he still has his moments. He's 20 and can get very upset about to us minor things. His younger sister used to not understand why his needs had to come first sometimes but now they get on well.

I have diagnosed PDA and it is far more complex than wanting to be asked nicely/politely - this will make no difference to whether I do something or not. Even if I want to do something I can't do it if someone else suggests it first. It is a pervasive need for full autonomy. I don't recognise authority or hierarchies and won't show respect unless I feel it is earned. There is a huge element of self sabotage and I also resist very ordinary, day to day things that I feel I should do (like hoovering). Childhood examples - arguing with teachers and parents, very little schoolwork done, never accepting any help with anything, very manipulative and skilled in getting my own way. Adult examples - refusing to take medication that I know is likely to help me, immediate response of 'no' to any request from dh/dc, find it impossible to work in structures where I report to someone (also don't want to manage other people, as I believe in their autonomy too), write a to do list and do none of the things listed because the list is telling me what to do...and many more. I have (diagnosed) ADHD too - it's fun in my brain.

@Msplace

'Tis good advice. You ought to take it.

You're desperate. I can see that.
But you are deliberately planning to be cruel to your disabled child.
You are planning to punish her. To show her you don't love her - to demonstrate that by putting her in solitary confinement and by making her eat every meal alone.
Is there a grandma or aunt she could stay with for a while? To give you all a break without hurting her further. Her life already hurts.

But it's not cruel. The child is happy in her own room. It may well suit her better too and lessen the frequency of meltdowns.

Charming.

You can't separate the autism from the person. When you say you're 'done with autism' you mean you're done with your child.

Yeah good luck.in finding a residential home
Of course your an expert what with your mums next door neighbours child having autism🙄

I am autistic myself for a start and my child is autistic with complex needs. They were physically violent with meltdowns too but there is always a way to manage it. She says in her OP that her child is autistic and acting out including physically. No matter where your child is on the spectrum there is a way of preventing that and something has gone wrong somewhere such as feeling overwhelmed hence my comment about learning about autism to prevent it

@StopStartStop

Everyone who used to have her now refuses. Her grandparents included. She is not manageable for people in their late 70s.

I've been various cartoon characters for 20 years! The good thing is that they are all characters that he likes, so I should be flattered.