To be done with autism

[stargirl1701]

I'm done with it.

DD1 is autistic. She is nearly 11, diagnosed at 5. We have made numerous adjustments at home. School have made numerous adjustments. All to no avail.

She swore and kicked her little sister yesterday. Immediate consequence no screens for 24 hours and sent to her room. Of course, meltdown. 2 HOURS later after punching and kicking me she complies.

I'm done.

The needs of the many are now coming first. I'm on my sixth anti-depressant, DD2 is terrified in her own home, DH spends his life walking the dog trying to remain calm in the face is extreme provocation.

I'm done. No more. The 3 of us are coming first for the first time in more than a decade. I'm done.

No more empathy. No more trying to understand. Done.

No matter what we do, she has violent meltdowns. She thinks of no-one but herself. Modelling doesn't work. Talking incidents through doesn't work. She won't use any strategy she has been taught to avoid a meltdown.

I'm done. Time to live our lives.

I'm autistic, if i was a kid now i'd have had all the inventions and prob like the OP & child made zero difference.

Back in the 60s and 70s, i was seen as a very naughty child, punishments included being hit and harsh, strict treatment, i hardly ever went to school either.

By the time i was 35, i'd worked all over the world, had a well paid job and i ve retired at 57, i ve had relationships and am in one now, my partner has two boys, both almost 30, both unemployed, lay around in bend, gaming, dope smoking, blame everyone but themselves, they spent their youth in CAMPHS etc etc.

Everyone is different of course but i do wonder if all the understanding that children get now is not working? btw i'm not suggesting we go back to beating kids, that in itself harmed me, i never hit my own DD but i was strict with boundaries and she has grown up to be a happy well balanced young women and we are very close.

I can’t fathom why you posted this on AIBU OP.

This is serious. Serious serious serious. Not for a chat with anonymous posters, many of whom will have absolutely no experience or understanding of your situation

Our DDs, although the same age and both ASD will still be different.

My DD craves connection and understanding. She needs to know I still love her and I'm not going to leave her. When she's had a meltdown in the past, I've tried to talk her through it - that hasn't worked. Now I remove myself from her. Her siblings know to do the same thing. My DH also spends equal amounts of time talking to her because he knows I'm often spent.

For my DD, telling her 'not to attack' would make no sense. I'd need to break it down and tailor/tweak it more each time it happens. My DD has very linear thinking so contextually, a situation doesn't make sense to her; it's all very black and white. I've empowered my other DC's with the ability to remove themselves from my DD when they need to but I've also made it clear that DD is part of our family, she is ND and this is our situation. If she was born with a physical disability, we'd be naturally more accepting, and that too would be our situation. My NT children know that their ND sister needs more in the form of understanding. We have to be creative with how we help and support her and get her to understand her role in helping and supporting her family in return.

We have set rules that are zero tolerance. I have a whiteboard where each child has their timetable and 'dailys' - these are jobs that need to be done every day. They then have what they need to do in the week. School and home both go on there. This is more for my ASD daughter, who needs a visual structure to help her cope. So long as all the jobs etc are done - I don't stress over screens with her and because I don't outwardly stress, when I tell her to put it down or take it away due to behaviour, she accepts it.

I think as a mum, you need a space to rant - this is a good start. I understand you. But not dealing with this isn't going to help any of you.

I'm sorry it's so hard for you OP. You sound absolutely at the end of your tether. It's really clear that you love your daughter and you have tried hard. As others said, use this as the space to rant and vent so you're able to stay regulated as best you can.

I don't know what the answer is but looking into PDA sounds like a good starting point. But you're right, you do need to think about your younger daughter too.

My family is riddled with neurodiversity. I was the quiet, well-behaved child while my sibling was the one who made the house a warzone. It is very, very hard for all of you.

She's autistic. She's not doing this to piss your off. Would you use authoritarian parenting to make a child with a broken leg go on a family hike?

By all means, stop making accommodations for her, but you're definitely not going to make three of you happy if you do.

I'm just suggesting that so you have less interaction with your child which sounds extremely stressful. Surely much easier just to stick food through the door than have to interact from what you are saying? I don't quite get why you are snorting?

Is it possible to break it down? What’s going on when she attacks? What’s going on before? It’s likely to be building up before it happens.

this is where the Challenging Behaviour Foundation would be able to help. Meltdowns are like an iceberg - we only see what’s on the surface. Sometimes a meltdown can have started happening weeks before but it doesn’t manifest itself till one final stressor is added to a situation.

At home we write up notes on my son every half hour and it makes it easy to try and prevent a meltdown or find the cause of one even days later.

@Kimchikitchen

She does not meet the criteria for the only special school in the LA. Primary aged children require a medical support need to get a place.

She does not meet the criteria for the autism bases either.

I am a primary school teacher in the same LA. I have tried. I promise.

Yep. The ableist version of mansplaining.

She obviously has a range of abilities and a drive to achieve. My DS was the same with ABRSM grades. He liked the measurable achievements. Now he’s done them all his motivation is lower.
Is there a way this can be harnessed?

Set her up to fail.

List the physical things (teeth, medicine, bath) and be 100% consistent with those. Tick them off the list, when the list is complete give her a treat. You can do this with dd2 as well, so no one’s treated differently.

Attacking her sister needs to be tackled differently.
She’s doing this probably because she’s overwhelmed and has no other options available to her at that point, so it’s trying to look back in time and spot where a difference could have been made - eg. If there’s a definite flash point - maybe dd2 coming home from school - do something with dd1 before this time, then settle her upstairs watching something before that time, let dd2 come in and spend some time, offer dd1 her tea but with options - do you want to come and eat with us or do you want it in your room?
I used to try to timetable the day, so after school there was post-school wind down (with added sensory stuff), a pre-tea segment, tea, post tea, then the run up to bedtime. All the dc knew what to expect. It wasn’t a magic wand, but over time it did help to ease things.

I implore you then not to waste it on a mumsnet thread .

go for a walk
grab a coffee and treat
call a friend
do anything that you want to do. And surely that doesn’t include arguing your corner on mumsnet

She is, OP talks of confining her to her room, excluding her from family meals (no longer part of the family), no longer helping her to achieve her goals, etc.

I also wonder how you can say her sanity and happiness can't be saved. She is 11 and OP admits she's given in to her demands for a quiet life, that never works, it doesn't sound like she's tried everything to me.

I was in her position and I felt similarly to her at one point but my solution was to spend MORE time with my 'difficult' child and it worked, he's a delight!

@Kimchikitchen

Because I have no where else to go. Everyone is done. Every friend. Every family member. DH and I are alone and sinking.

At least here someone talks back. Even if it is to berate me for my cruel and abusive parenting.

You're going to ruin your child's life. And your relationship with them.

If you suspect PDA, that's even worse. Read Ross Greene.

Good luck. You'll need it.

OP's obviously at the limits of her resources for managing at the moment and needs somewhere where she can say so. That's here. It doesn't sound to me like she's given up on parenting her ND child.

There are quite a few of us here who can and are offering support and advice. We’re able to do it because we’ve all been there.

@Kimchikitchen

DD1 is upstairs in her room. She's now painting.

I'm trying not to cry at this point in front of DD2. I did that at library 3 weeks ago and it really scared her. DD1 was angry about it.

That many props and crutches indicates a school that’s throwing money at the child rather than understanding the child

I agree, that’s a lot of support and intervention but it looks like they’ve thrown everything at her without actually knowing what works for her. All of that could actually be making things worse because it could over stimulate her and give her too many options.

It also suggests the mainstream school isn’t the right setting for her and they’re just housing her in school until secondary. I’ve had this with my ASD daughter - it took actually paring back supports and seeing what worker which for her was flexibility about the start of the school day and regular contact with the nurture teacher who became a “secure base” for her. Those two things did more to help her regulate and cope in school than all the sensory boxes, Lego therapy etc.

Sending you a huge hug, OP. X

Cards on table op

there is very very little you can do to meaningfully change this. It is heartbreaking and I feel for you.

So all I suggest is therapy and family therapy for you, your dh and dd.

and leaving one parent alone with your DD so the other gets respite and take dd with you.

yes a split family essentially. But not a suicidal family

@egowise

RTFT. Been there 6 years ago. Even tried the next one he wrote: Raising Human Beings.

I believe you. And I’m sorry it so bloody awful for all of you right now.

Puberty is such a difficult time for our children. And just to say my son is 32 now.

I mean, it's a feeling being communicated. We've all said we're going to do things we're not going to do when what we really mean is "please someone just acknowledge how unbelievably hard things are for me right now".