To roll my eyes at pregnancy excuse

[Fuzzyduck31]

It must be my age but recently I’ve had more friends and acquaintances being pregnant and I am surprised (bemused?) by the ideas some people have.
I get that morning sickness/ nausea is bad but I have a friend who is acting completely incapacitated by it? It’s not HG just the normal nausea sicky feeling in first trimester.
I have another friend who can not organise a baby shower for her sister because she is also pregnant?!
Another friend has just had a baby and has called her mum to look after the baby while she sleeps all day?
AIBU as I went through this twice not looking for the type of complete support that these other women feel entitled to?
I am happy for them all and feel like a bad person thinking this but just wondered if anyone else has noticed a trend towards this complete incapacitation as a pregnant/ new mum?

Every pregnancy is different and I think on the whole women get the message that their discomfort/pain/sickness doesn't matter or is less than other peoples.

When I had my c-section I was sent home 24 hours later with a handful of paracetamol and a brand new human to take care of 24/7.

When my husband had a vasectomy he was provided with enough oxytocin and Valium to knock out a zoo and strict instructions to rest and recover in front of the telly for a week while I waited on him hand and foot.

Anything that redresses the frankly bullshit approach towards women's suffering is a welcome development.

That sounds really hard. You did well to crack on, but it would have been nice if you'd had more help.

You don't seem happy for them at all to be honest.
You'd think, being so clever and all, you'd know that every woman/pregnancy is different.
I had a shit time being pregnant all three times but it turns out I'm a champ at giving birth. I've not spent more than 12 hours in labour cumulative and all I've had are a few puffs of gas and air and one little stitch (thanks DS1) so I must be better than these wimps who spend 48 hours in labour only to end up with forceps and a EMCS. 🙄
I'll get my medal when you get yours, I'm sure.

This. 👏

Couldn't roll my eyes more at the OP.

I don't think it's an age thing, I think it's a grumpy cow thing. Seriously, roll your eyes inside out if it pleases you, but while you're rolling them around have a long hard look within and try to identify what deep personal inadequacies compel you to judge and belittle other women for, basically, not being as tough as you. Were you that kid at sports day who turned round at the finish line to laugh at those coming in last too?

No OP would rather we are all martyrs and suffer instead of asking for help. Weird old fashioned view.

🤷‍♀️ people live their lives differently. Some people have different thresholds of what they can cope with day to day both mentally and physically.

Other people have different priorities.

AIBU as I went through this twice not looking for the type of complete support that these other women feel entitled to?

And? Does it make you feel like a better person? Did you get the medal you wanted?

Just to confirm - I also had 24hr sickness with my first, complete food aversion, was hospitalised with a kidney infection and an emergency c section. My second had reflux and only slept properly at about 18 months so didn't get "off lightly" with either.
I just wondered whether it was more acceptable now to hand over the reigns and responsibilities now than say 4 years ago? Or maybe as another poster said it is an age thing.

So are you just jealous your friends have kids help than you?
Why is asking for help ‘handing over the reigns’?

@cushioncovers

Having worked in the nhs in women's health we were told that the rise in post partum depression is seen most in white middle class older mums and it's attributed directly to the fact that they have trouble adjusting to their new life as a mum from their old life as a independent person with their own money and free time.

So the NHS is basically skipping over the research about the role of hormones in PND? I also have to wonder if it's more likely to be white middle class women who report/seek out/receive help for this issue. That sounds like a very facile approach.

*Note - I did not suffer from it personally, but have several friends who have.

I don't know if you're being reasonable but you're certainly not being very nice

Have you tried empathy OP? Maybe be glad for other women that they have good support? It's progress if women are not having to suffer through while pretending everything is fine.

YABU and you know it

I don't know what these people who post kinds of threads.

Well done on being the best mum in the world 🏅 you're right, people that fall short of the standard you set are rubbish mothers.

Happy?

I had my 2 children at the same ages as you and noticed the same thing. Way more exhausted at 34. But I also have a friend who had her last baby at age 38 and was full of energy for the most part

Forgot "want" in that first sentence

It's hard to write correctly on 3hrs sleep (when the toddler wasn't up last night, the baby was). I don't suppose you'd ever let such a thing affect you though, OP

I am peri now and was pregnant 14 years ago. I had an infertility journey including multiple losses, a multiple pregnancy that saw me constantly sick until well over 20 weeks, pre eclampsia scares, pelvic issues and a high level of monitoring.

Other than my medical appointments and the time I was signed off sick post surgery, I worked all the way through without a day off sick because I didn't want people to think I was weak/lazy/using pregnancy as an excuse. What a fucking mug was I!

Now I am having a fairly miserable time the other end I'm trying to be a bit more gentle with myself (with the encouragement of my employer actually) and it's really hard not to feel guilty again in case I'm perceived as lazy.

Being pregnant is tough for a lot of women and if people don't look out for themselves a bit no other bugger will....

You are being very, very, very, verrrryyyyy unreasonable.

Pregnany manifests itself in completely different ways in different women.

I've never been sick once in my pregnancies. A colleague of mine was literally hanging over the toilet every day for her first two trimesters.

When I had my son, I lost 2.1 litres of blood during labour.

I was heavily reliant on my mother and slept all day long because I was very weak and not feeling well.

My sister on the other hand sailed through giving birth and was up and running a few hours after.

I had 5 pregnancies worked full time throughout , but I never had a day off with the first 4 but was severely sick with the 5th . Like sick all day and night, so I had to go to hospital. It did make me realise how bad it can be . Also I do agree about the age factor. I was 23 having first one which was a breeze even though a long labour . And 38 with the 5th which was much harder although the labour was fine . He was a very good baby but I just found it so much harder I'm pretty sure due to my age !

YABU.
I had 3 very "easy" pregnancies. But I was fucking miserable throughout. Newborn phase was pretty horrendous too.
What better excuse is there to be "lazy" than gestating an entire new person?
Don't tear other women down unless you walk in their shoes. You don't know what someone is dealing with.

Pregnancy nausea (non HG) can be pretty brutal. I often wonder why it's called morning sickness, as it can last all day, every day for weeks.
As for calling mother to look after the baby while mummy sleeps all day, I can only imagine what my mother's response to that would be!!! 🤣🤣

Your experiences sound tough but if you were able to just continue in spite of it all you were physically capable of something I wasn't during pregnancy.
Nothing worked for my sickness. Will power and not wanting to shirk responsibilities wasn't going to make me anymore capable.

I actually didn't know one of my friends was hospitalised and thought about having a termination due to pregnancy related sickness until I was hopsitalised . She hadn't told anybody as medication worked for her by 13/14 weeks when she announced her pregnancy and so maybe it's more that people talk about it now than before.

Also my friends and family would have been just as helpful 4 years ago.

Yes why don't we all minimalise the effects of pregnancy/birth/new baby. Thats helpful to women 🙄

Was support available to you or did you choose not to use it? I refused to make a martyr out of myself and struggle when I was tired and queasy. If my mum offered to help out then I’d accept the help. If my MIL offered to cook the tea if I was too tired I accepted the help.

As others have said - pregnancy affects every one differently but sadly we are told that because it’s a “natural “ thing to do , we should just get on with it .
what a load of old rubbish .. I’ve got an apron for a stomach , carry my pelvic floor round in a handcart and I’ve looked permanently exhausted for 32 years .. your internal organs are stretched to buggery .. your fanjo feels like it’s been in an rta after giving birth or worse .. if you’ve had a c section you’ve just had major surgery that technically warrants rest and recovery and you are kicked off home to zero sleep and damn little chance of rest .
yes some women may sail through the experience of growing a brand new human inside them but for the most , it takes it out of you .. life isn’t a competition to see who can appear unfazed by pregnancy … I had HG and at one point I was so gravely I’ll I was hospitalised and couldn’t lift my head off the pillow ….
I didn’t get any help during pregnancy or afterwards and with my youngest dc was self employed and even taking calls while I was in Labour because I felt I had no choice while my now x h lounged in a chair reading the paper and I still feel angry that I had no family support after all my dcs births (ex b was useless )

when my dd had her first baby in November she had the Labour from hell resulting in an emergency section so a couple of weeks later I drove up (she lives three hours away ) when her partner returned to work and literally cleaned, did the washing .. made her food and took over so she could rest because I was absolutely going to ensure that she never had to struggle the way I did …

AIBU as I went through this twice not looking for the type of complete support that these other women feel entitled to?

They're not required to ensure their lives are as hard as yours when they don't need to be.

If the people whose help they have requested are happy to do it, that's all that matters. Sorry you had a hard time, but that's just your misfortune and nothing to do with anyone else.