To think he's not interested?

[conflictedaf]

Going to try keep this short and factual. Been seeing someone on and off since I was 18, I am now 31.

I would say over the past 13 years, he has definitely been more into it than I have been. I've enjoyed the sex, the company, I'm comfortable with him but have never really wanted to or been ready to go any deeper. He has made it clear and tried throughout the years to make it serious and claims he is in love with me.

He was just in a relationship for 10 months, however, they split and I met with him again. Had a great night, was like old times.

He messaged me since and was making conversation and then asked when he could see me again. We arranged for Wednesday night.

On Wednesday he text apologising saying that he had to work Wednesday night. I replied saying no worries, another time. No response.

Tried to get a hold of him a few more times over Friday and Saturday via WhatsApp and phone call. No response. His messages were then just showing one tick. I was concerned as he has NEVER stopped communication like this and found it very odd. So I contacted his recent ex - I probably shouldn't have but I assumed he was with her.

I was polite and just said I was trying to get in touch with him about something. She said she hadn't heard from him. End of conversation.

Tonight I got a message on Facebook. Messages have gone like this -

Him - Hello had to get a new phone, lost all my numbers. What’s going on, you were messaging exes name? I don’t know what for?

Me - Eh because you disappeared? Glad you’re fine.

Him - I had to work then my smashed my phone. I sent u a couple of messages (he didn't) aye sorry don’t like letting folk down.

Me - Fair enough, was just responding to your question about why I contacted exes name - was to check if you were okay. Assumed you’d be with her.

Him - Why would I be with her a told you I was working. I've no reason to lie or anything about my whereabouts, fair enough.

Me - I’d just rather people were honest rather than worrying about hurting my feelings. But yeah glad you’re okay. Hope work etc goes well for you.

Him - Completely honest in everything am saying, I don't know what am I not being honest about?

Me - Just everything, you’re clearly not into it. You’ve got a lot on your plate so will just leave you be

Him - Listen I am but aye, am just trying to have a low stress period. I was working on Wednesday and my phone broke that day. I wouldn’t lie so I have literally been chilling.

Me - fair enough. I won’t contact you again so you can have your low stress period.

Him - i never said that at all, I was wanting to see what happend with us. Still don’t understand why u would message exes name? These just aren’t things that I would do or expect someone to do.

Me - Yeah kind of have to actually see someone to see what happens. Why do you care if I messaged her? I’ll send you the messages, I literally asked if you were with her as I was worried. Like you were meant to be over at mines weds, you cancelled cause you were working. Fair enough. Then heard absolutely nothing from you despite messaging and I phoned you, you hadn’t been on Facebook. How was I to know that you had smashed your phone? You seem so concerned that I messaged her, not sure why, no bad intentions. If she’s causing drama about it then that’s on her. (Sent him screenshots of messages to ex)

Him - Alright, yeah so a managed to get on Facebook for 5 on Friday and just had hunners of messages from her. Aye it’s no really that bad, couldn’t message u as had u blocked from last time. Am no too concerned, it’s that a still respect her as a person so wouldn’t want her to think as soon as we split up me n u were on the go. It’s just the way a think it’s maybe wrong I don’t know.

Him - Aw never mind it’s generally nothing to talk about. Are ye alright anyway what u up to?

Me - It’s fine, I’m just feeling really insecure at the moment, don’t know what’s wrong with me just now. Anyway forget about it, all good.

Him - Aw don’t, you're doing good, I was just feeling sorry for myself when my phone broke. Sorry if I have brought that on, should have tried harder to get hold of you but was scunnered and down.

AIBU to think he's just not over his ex and isn't interested in me anymore? I feel like he's just repulsed by me after one night and has lost interest.

YABVU OP.

You have been keeping this guy along for 13 YEARS. You know he loves you but you werent interested.

He then splits from his relationship and youce decided hes your possession. You messaged his ex to ask where he was?

You've posted a lengthy interaction which actually paints him incredibly well.

I saw your response of 'I want to now though'. Does that mean he is now answerable to you when you werent interested for 13 years?

All this passive agressiveoing and froing over days when thata not the real issue. His pals will have told him to sack you off years ago.

By the way - did you contact people in his life if you couldnt get hold of him any other time in the last 12 years,.out of interest?

Sorry OP, but you're bang out of order here and I am surprised hes still around. I think you should let him go and let the poor man find happiness.

I saw your update OP. I imagine the meet up will be him apologising and trying to make things right as he loves you, which will only validate your behaviour.

As Op have said, you need to leave this and get help and support.

Best comment. Said with kindness.
Some of the other responses are cruel.

OP, give yourself a little time to calm down and him too. Then, when you’re ready, message him and ask to meet up and talk. Be open, vulnerable and honest. Tell him what you told us - you have an ‘avoidant attachment style’ or whatever it’s called. See where the land lies. If he isn’t interested, leave him with parting words of respect and move on.

Why did you split up last time? It seems like you have a massive trust issues (sometimes justified/sometimes not).

You have jumped 1-1000 over one day which isn't a normal reaction in a new relationship. There is more than 1 issue at play. It seems like you are hoping to pick up where you left off and I don't think that is ever possible (with a historic relationship).

This man owes you nothing and if he was someone new he would have blocked and deleted you. Contacting his ex was massively out of order, but accusing her of stiring up trouble is unfair. She has every right to contact 'him' about unsolicited contact initiated by you.

Realistically you have blown it. Unless you are prepared to make a massive apology to both of them? Your reaction to cut ties because you are focusing on your own feelings (protection/self pity) and not on what you have done or protecting the relationship with 'him'. Do you generally have issues with trust or is it just this man/relationship?

Your reaction is so intense, I think some counselling would be useful for you (for any future relationship). I hope you are ok and you have someone to talk too

Let the poor guy go and be happy

You need some therapy

You sound incredibly hard work. Messaging the ex and those messages.

sounds to me like you’ve spent 13 dangling him off your little finger and enjoying the adoration and how he is not as keen you are desperately trying to reel him in so he can hang off your every word again and provide you with an ego boost as and when you need it. I’ve seen it plenty of times this dynamic and It’s such a shit thing to do to someone. Let him go find someone who actually likes him.

I've decided I'm no longer interested and will leave him alone now.

🐰

Fucking hell - please actually leave the poor bloke alone and do go back when you're bored, or jealous of his next relationship.

You are showing classic signs of severe BPD as very well outlined by a previous poster.

Leave this poor man alone.

Seek help from a therapist for BPD or whatever they diagnose.

Youre not interested?! Til when?

Please stop damaging this man.

This.

What am I reading? This is crazy. Take some time to think what you really want from a relationship and stop playing around with this poor bloke.

Christ OP, you sound a bit full on for someone that claims he was more into it than you. You shouldn't have text his ex, you surely knew what the implication was, that wasn't fair at all on either her or him. Very manipulative. You literally had no one else in his life you could check with?

Sounds like you don't really want him, you just want him to want you. I think leave it alone.

If you have the sort of relationship with his ex that it's ok to message her then fine
I'm assuming he was with her and not you so you may have been stirring drama ?

It is weird to have a casual fuck buddy for so long who neither of you wants a proper relationship ??!
I'd let him drift off so you can start a proper relationship with a committed person - don't you think you deserve that ?

Honestly? your decision to contact his ex was overstepping the boundaries, and unreasonable. You were aware they just split and it would potentially create an issue. I feel that that was unfair on them both, particularly suggesting it was her causing the drama. Secondly, his explanation to you for not responding sounds completely believable. His responses seem sensible and kind.

even the way he speaks is icky yak