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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he's not interested?

92 replies

conflictedaf · 10/07/2023 21:41

Going to try keep this short and factual. Been seeing someone on and off since I was 18, I am now 31.

I would say over the past 13 years, he has definitely been more into it than I have been. I've enjoyed the sex, the company, I'm comfortable with him but have never really wanted to or been ready to go any deeper. He has made it clear and tried throughout the years to make it serious and claims he is in love with me.

He was just in a relationship for 10 months, however, they split and I met with him again. Had a great night, was like old times.

He messaged me since and was making conversation and then asked when he could see me again. We arranged for Wednesday night.

On Wednesday he text apologising saying that he had to work Wednesday night. I replied saying no worries, another time. No response.

Tried to get a hold of him a few more times over Friday and Saturday via WhatsApp and phone call. No response. His messages were then just showing one tick. I was concerned as he has NEVER stopped communication like this and found it very odd. So I contacted his recent ex - I probably shouldn't have but I assumed he was with her.

I was polite and just said I was trying to get in touch with him about something. She said she hadn't heard from him. End of conversation.

Tonight I got a message on Facebook. Messages have gone like this -

Him - Hello had to get a new phone, lost all my numbers. What’s going on, you were messaging exes name? I don’t know what for?

Me - Eh because you disappeared? Glad you’re fine.

Him - I had to work then my smashed my phone. I sent u a couple of messages (he didn't) aye sorry don’t like letting folk down.

Me - Fair enough, was just responding to your question about why I contacted exes name - was to check if you were okay. Assumed you’d be with her.

Him - Why would I be with her a told you I was working. I've no reason to lie or anything about my whereabouts, fair enough.

Me - I’d just rather people were honest rather than worrying about hurting my feelings. But yeah glad you’re okay. Hope work etc goes well for you.

Him - Completely honest in everything am saying, I don't know what am I not being honest about?

Me - Just everything, you’re clearly not into it. You’ve got a lot on your plate so will just leave you be

Him - Listen I am but aye, am just trying to have a low stress period. I was working on Wednesday and my phone broke that day. I wouldn’t lie so I have literally been chilling.

Me - fair enough. I won’t contact you again so you can have your low stress period.

Him - i never said that at all, I was wanting to see what happend with us. Still don’t understand why u would message exes name? These just aren’t things that I would do or expect someone to do.

Me - Yeah kind of have to actually see someone to see what happens. Why do you care if I messaged her? I’ll send you the messages, I literally asked if you were with her as I was worried. Like you were meant to be over at mines weds, you cancelled cause you were working. Fair enough. Then heard absolutely nothing from you despite messaging and I phoned you, you hadn’t been on Facebook. How was I to know that you had smashed your phone? You seem so concerned that I messaged her, not sure why, no bad intentions. If she’s causing drama about it then that’s on her. (Sent him screenshots of messages to ex)

Him - Alright, yeah so a managed to get on Facebook for 5 on Friday and just had hunners of messages from her. Aye it’s no really that bad, couldn’t message u as had u blocked from last time. Am no too concerned, it’s that a still respect her as a person so wouldn’t want her to think as soon as we split up me n u were on the go. It’s just the way a think it’s maybe wrong I don’t know.

Him - Aw never mind it’s generally nothing to talk about. Are ye alright anyway what u up to?

Me - It’s fine, I’m just feeling really insecure at the moment, don’t know what’s wrong with me just now. Anyway forget about it, all good.

Him - Aw don’t, you're doing good, I was just feeling sorry for myself when my phone broke. Sorry if I have brought that on, should have tried harder to get hold of you but was scunnered and down.

AIBU to think he's just not over his ex and isn't interested in me anymore? I feel like he's just repulsed by me after one night and has lost interest.

OP posts:

Cosycover · 10/07/2023 22:49

You blocked him?

Done the guy a favour there I think.

You can't see that you are in the wrong here so no point in this thread.

Original poster

conflictedaf · 10/07/2023 22:51

Cosycover · 10/07/2023 22:49

You blocked him?

Done the guy a favour there I think.

You can't see that you are in the wrong here so no point in this thread.

Yea I probably did

OP posts:

pictoosh · 10/07/2023 22:56

He sounds fine...down to earth, upfront and easy going. You sound a bit...volatile?
You've blocked him have you? Ok then, that's bound to smooth things out.

ChristmasCwtch · 10/07/2023 23:19

Have you watched the film “He’s just not that into you”… it’s enlightening.

No, he doesn’t seem that bothered about you. You’re familiar and presumably readily available when he wants.

Solonomi · 10/07/2023 23:26

Blimey OP, sorry you are getting a grilling but contacting an ex is not ok ever! Stop chasing after this guy, he’s not that bothered. Work on your self esteem & boundaries instead - surely you are worth more than this nonsense.

hopsalong · 10/07/2023 23:29

Leave him alone. If this is short and factual then long and emotional isn't a place worth getting to.

If you really liked each other you had 13 years to figure that out.

Original poster

conflictedaf · 10/07/2023 23:31

Solonomi · 10/07/2023 23:26

No not worth much more to be honest. Only guy that's ever truly cared about me, I could have had it all at one point with him, now he doesn't give a fuck about me at all.

OP posts:

alwaysmovingforwards · 10/07/2023 23:41

You had 13 years to accept his advances to make it the real deal - he made it clear.

Sounds like you've messed him around for so long that he just sees you as a FWB (because that's all you've wanted it to be).

Quite rightly it sounds like he's moved his energies elsewhere to find something more serious.

Original poster

conflictedaf · 10/07/2023 23:44

alwaysmovingforwards · 10/07/2023 23:41

You had 13 years to accept his advances to make it the real deal - he made it clear.

Sounds like you've messed him around for so long that he just sees you as a FWB (because that's all you've wanted it to be).

Quite rightly it sounds like he's moved his energies elsewhere to find something more serious.

Where has he moved his energies?

OP posts:

Largeslice · 10/07/2023 23:54

You've blocked him now. Wtf. Hoping you can see from pp's how deranged you're acting.

He's dodged a bullet to be fair. You should seek some help for your separation anxiety. Honestly.

PrayerFactory · 10/07/2023 23:56

Why on earth would you waste 13 years of your life occasionally sleeping with someone you weren’t that interested in? And why, if he was ‘always more into it’ and claimed to be in love with you, would he go off and have a 10-month relationship with someone else? None of this makes sense.

FiddleLeaf · 10/07/2023 23:59

Drama

greenthumb13 · 11/07/2023 00:00

You're 31? I would expect this at 19...

Original poster

conflictedaf · 11/07/2023 00:02

PrayerFactory · 10/07/2023 23:56

We've been in a relationship during chunks of that time, not just been sleeping together. We have been a proper couple, he has never been the one doing the breaking up, he'd always made it clear he was in it for the long haul. I had a awful childhood and has led to me really struggling with commitment but also get severe anxiety if I perceive someone is pulling away and so I'll cut them off with no discussion to stop myself getting hurt.

He knows me in and out and never judges me for my outbursts and is just always kind and caring but I've pushed him away so many times that he seems to be just done. He said we would take this slow and see what happens this time but I've blown it already.

He's had relationships in between, as have I. Always short term and never seem to go anywhere, we keep in touch throughout.

OP posts:

TedMullins · 11/07/2023 00:02

So you've been the one rejecting his attempts to make this more serious for 13 years as you only wanted it to be FWB, and now you do want a relationship with him you expect him to dance to your tune? You can’t be that lacking in self-awareness surely. The poor guy’s been hanging on having a casual thing when he wanted more for over a decade, and you think HE’S the one who’s messed you about here?

He didn’t even “disappear” as you said, he didn’t contact you for one night! Contacting the ex was unhinged. Just be grateful he took it well and doesn’t seem too bothered. As for whether he’s not interested, why not do the adult thing and have an actual conversation? are you just going to mess him about again though?

SavedbytheBe11 · 11/07/2023 00:03

If you want to be with him you need to be vulnerable and stop playing games. Just date him. What's with the drama? Why do you think he isn't into you?

TedMullins · 11/07/2023 00:03

conflictedaf · 11/07/2023 00:02

He's had relationships in between, as have I. Always short term and never seem to go anywhere, we keep in touch throughout.

Show quote history

Get therapy. It’s not fair to pass your issues on to other people.

PostboxTopper · 11/07/2023 00:05

You messed him about and now have the cheek to wonder why he isn't pandering to you. If any guy messaged my ex to find out my whereabouts (even out of geuine concern), that would be the end of it for me.
Wish you every happiness but you need to accept you messed up and leave the poor guy alone. Nagging him again will drive him further away.

HellonHeels · 11/07/2023 00:13

You are in a mess. You might benefit from therapy.

ladydimitrescu · 11/07/2023 00:18

You've messed him about to be fair, and messaging his ex was mental - not checking he was ok, you were seeing if he was with her because you were jealous and annoyed he wasn't responding to you.

He's been telling you he wanted more, you can't expect the guy to come running on your terms.

sandyhappypeople · 11/07/2023 00:33

but also get severe anxiety if I perceive someone is pulling away and so I'll cut them off with no discussion to stop myself getting hurt.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with this, it's really obvious in your message replies to him that you don't believe what he's saying and accuse him of not being honest. If he IS being honest (as in, he hasn't got form for this sort of thing) then you're acting terribly towards him, you say you love him and want to make it work, but everything in your conversation screams that you don't trust him and aren't happy with the responses he's giving you, you're words are very manipulative, almost like you're deliberately pushing him away to get him to chase after you, maybe that's how your relationship has been in the past? I don't think that's a good basis for a healthy relationship though.

You shouldn't have contacted his ex, that's madness, surely if you've known him for 13 years there's at least one other person you could have checked up on him with? You don't trust him, so you've cut out the middle man (him) and asked her directly whether he's with her.

If you really want this to work I think you need to stop playing games with him, work on your trust issues and have a real heartfelt conversation about how you feel and just hope that he's still willing to give it a go.

CarpetSlipper · 11/07/2023 00:39

Sounds like you’ve been stringing him along for 13 years and now suddenly you want a relationship and can’t cope with him perhaps not? He handled the situation really well and you come across as very hard work and quite selfish. I expect at some point he’ll grow tired of the drama but from your OP, he’s done nothing wrong.

Annaishere · 11/07/2023 01:44

It doesn’t look like he isn’t interested.

ClaraBourne · 11/07/2023 01:49

Unblock him FFS and have a proper conversation with him, he sounds lovely.

Then you know where you stand.

Be honest and say what you want.

Aprilx · 11/07/2023 01:59

conflictedaf · 10/07/2023 21:49

Really? You think it's odd to check up on someone you care about when they uncharacteristically disappear? In the 13 years I've known him he has never done that. If it were a normal occurrence then no I wouldn't have checked up as I did

Show quote history

Yes, you sound quite unhinged to be honest. Totally out of order to contact the ex, but the whole thing is a waster of time. Just stop it.

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