To think he's not interested?

[conflictedaf]

Going to try keep this short and factual. Been seeing someone on and off since I was 18, I am now 31.

I would say over the past 13 years, he has definitely been more into it than I have been. I've enjoyed the sex, the company, I'm comfortable with him but have never really wanted to or been ready to go any deeper. He has made it clear and tried throughout the years to make it serious and claims he is in love with me.

He was just in a relationship for 10 months, however, they split and I met with him again. Had a great night, was like old times.

He messaged me since and was making conversation and then asked when he could see me again. We arranged for Wednesday night.

On Wednesday he text apologising saying that he had to work Wednesday night. I replied saying no worries, another time. No response.

Tried to get a hold of him a few more times over Friday and Saturday via WhatsApp and phone call. No response. His messages were then just showing one tick. I was concerned as he has NEVER stopped communication like this and found it very odd. So I contacted his recent ex - I probably shouldn't have but I assumed he was with her.

I was polite and just said I was trying to get in touch with him about something. She said she hadn't heard from him. End of conversation.

Tonight I got a message on Facebook. Messages have gone like this -

Him - Hello had to get a new phone, lost all my numbers. What’s going on, you were messaging exes name? I don’t know what for?

Me - Eh because you disappeared? Glad you’re fine.

Him - I had to work then my smashed my phone. I sent u a couple of messages (he didn't) aye sorry don’t like letting folk down.

Me - Fair enough, was just responding to your question about why I contacted exes name - was to check if you were okay. Assumed you’d be with her.

Him - Why would I be with her a told you I was working. I've no reason to lie or anything about my whereabouts, fair enough.

Me - I’d just rather people were honest rather than worrying about hurting my feelings. But yeah glad you’re okay. Hope work etc goes well for you.

Him - Completely honest in everything am saying, I don't know what am I not being honest about?

Me - Just everything, you’re clearly not into it. You’ve got a lot on your plate so will just leave you be

Him - Listen I am but aye, am just trying to have a low stress period. I was working on Wednesday and my phone broke that day. I wouldn’t lie so I have literally been chilling.

Me - fair enough. I won’t contact you again so you can have your low stress period.

Him - i never said that at all, I was wanting to see what happend with us. Still don’t understand why u would message exes name? These just aren’t things that I would do or expect someone to do.

Me - Yeah kind of have to actually see someone to see what happens. Why do you care if I messaged her? I’ll send you the messages, I literally asked if you were with her as I was worried. Like you were meant to be over at mines weds, you cancelled cause you were working. Fair enough. Then heard absolutely nothing from you despite messaging and I phoned you, you hadn’t been on Facebook. How was I to know that you had smashed your phone? You seem so concerned that I messaged her, not sure why, no bad intentions. If she’s causing drama about it then that’s on her. (Sent him screenshots of messages to ex)

Him - Alright, yeah so a managed to get on Facebook for 5 on Friday and just had hunners of messages from her. Aye it’s no really that bad, couldn’t message u as had u blocked from last time. Am no too concerned, it’s that a still respect her as a person so wouldn’t want her to think as soon as we split up me n u were on the go. It’s just the way a think it’s maybe wrong I don’t know.

Him - Aw never mind it’s generally nothing to talk about. Are ye alright anyway what u up to?

Me - It’s fine, I’m just feeling really insecure at the moment, don’t know what’s wrong with me just now. Anyway forget about it, all good.

Him - Aw don’t, you're doing good, I was just feeling sorry for myself when my phone broke. Sorry if I have brought that on, should have tried harder to get hold of you but was scunnered and down.

AIBU to think he's just not over his ex and isn't interested in me anymore? I feel like he's just repulsed by me after one night and has lost interest.

I feel like this could be a sort of gift to you, if you’d look at what this situation awakened in you, and get extremely fierce about seeking healing for that.
therapy, lots of it.
we all have moments in life when we don’t access our best selves, and it feels like this is a moment for you. He didn’t do anything to deserve blocking - and contacting the ex was not a very good thing to do - imagine how she might feel, she’s trying to heal from a breakup.

we all have shitty moments in life- don’t let it define you, but also learn from it and heal

Stop playing games, and waiting for his affirmation. You’re way past this stage. And he doesn’t deserve this nonsense.
Decide if you’re ready to commit to him, unblock him and tell him directly.
Otherwise leave him free.

Ps. This really isn’t about whether or not he’s interested. Seems like a decent bloke who does care, since he was fairly gentle with you and your contacting the ex.

it’s more important that you heal, recognize this for what it was, and there won’t be a need to flip out when someone goes silent for a bit. People have busy lives…it’s not a reflection on you

You contacting his ex is really embarrassing.

Look, you are contacting his ex, self-proclaimed insecure, looking for signs on Mumsnet to validate your belief that he doesn't like you. These characteristics are not a good combination for anyone in a relationship. It's not fair to you or anyone else. 18-31....... come on it's make or break, only you can do something about it.

i mean this kindly, you need to get therapy to work through your anxiety before you can be in a committed relationship.
he sounds like he’s put up with a lot and wanted a relationship for 13 years and you’ve always broke it off. Now he’s probably thinking about himself so he doesn’t get hurt again. Cut contact, leave him to find someone who is ready for something long term, and you focus on your issues so you can do the same someday.

I think you were really unfair to him in your message exchange.

Not sure you're a good fit for him and giving you the benefit of the doubt, not good for each other.

If you've never been diagnosed with BPD, I think you probably should have been. Pulling away from people when you perceive they might be going off you, blowing hot and cold, spontaneous blocking and unblocking (guarantee it's not the first time you've blocked him), jealousy, childish and unpredictable behaviour, "outbursts" as you mentioned in a previous post, difficulty forming healthy relationships. These are all textbook symptoms.

It would also explain why he's still around in the face of what looks like outright craziness to an external observer; the connections made by those with BPD tend to be very intense, passionate and emotionally addictive for those who haven't spotted the traits.

You kept him dangling for 13 years and lose the plot because he doesn't jump quick enough.

Contacting his ex 'to check he's ok' is nuts.

Your messages are nuts.

Hope he runs for the hills.

Hi OP

Reading your posts on this thread has reminded me so much of how I used to be. At the time I didn't understand my emotions but now I am older and have recovered, I can see it for what it is.

I can only go on what you have said on here in addition to the tone of your posts and I think this situation you have been in for 13 years has really messed with your head.

When you said that you weren't worth much, that really shows me that your self esteem is quite low at the moment. I get the sense that perhaps you really aren't ready for any kind of relationship and that's not a bad thing, it just means you need time to figure out who you are and what you want. Sometimes having a man on the scene when you are in that emotional state is just too much to deal with. I think that's why you won't commit, because you're not emotionally available at the moment. That's why you pull away as a defence mechanism. It won't always be like that though.

Your anxiety will also reinforce your need to keep him close but then also make sure you have control if you feel threatened in any way (for example blocking him when you thought things were going downhill). I predict that you will have unblocked him by the morning and will be talking again.

Contacting his ex was you panicking and you found it unbearable to not be able to contact him. I used to be the same so I'm not criticising you at all. I actually really feel for you as they are awful feelings to go through.

I hope you take some time out for yourself and start to heal from your childhood. I read a lot of self help books and it really made me see things from a different perspective. I would also recommend perhaps looking into talking through your anxieties and trauma with a professional.

You have feelings for him so why have you been stringing him along for 13 years? For someone who doesn’t want a relationship, contacting his ex was a bit much! Unless of course you were a bit jealous and checking up to see if they were together because you couldn’t get in contact with him when you wanted to use him at your convenience. Now, after 13 years, do you want more?

You sound awful. Stop playing with his emotions and leave him alone or tell him you want to be together and let him decide. Poor bloke.

If he messaged you from a new number then his phone clearly did break. And I'm assuming that his job means he sometimes has to work on an evening. So unless he regularly lets you down at the last minute then it seems to me that you are being way OTT. He couldn't see you because he was working and he let you know, didnt stand you up. And his phone broke. And you messaged his ex, accused him of lying, and are now blocking him. It's an extreme over reaction to a minor situation if he doesn't normally go AWOL and your messages are very defensive. There is nothing to suggest he isnt interested and is still into his ex etc

This is all a bit Living next door to Alice! Look, if you have decided that you actually do like him after all this time, tell him. He might be interested back, he might not. But stop playing stupid games, and don't phone his ex again.

It's strange to contact his ex, especially when you don't even know her. It comes across as though you were looking to stir up trouble. If you've known him for 13 years, surely you could have contacted a mutual friend (not ex) or family member to check he's ok?

It sounds as though he cares for you a great deal, but doesn't want to keep getting hurt and messed around by you, so is now distancing himself a little. I don't see anything dishonest in his messages. Phones break and if you'd blocked him on social media, you'd made it difficult for him to contact you.

He's just called and asked if I fancied meeting up tonight

OP I was in the same situation from the ages of 19-28, you need to move on. Have you had a proper relationship since you’ve known him?

I have yes - several.

So you've known him for 13 years but the only person you could contact when you were worried about him was his recent ex?

I'm sure you think it isn't really obvious that you were fishing, but it really is. If he's pissed off he's absolutely right to be.

You probably need some therapy of sorts as this isn't normal behaviour.

Thought he was blocked

Yes he does sound interested to me, he's probably been in love with you the whole time, you said so yourself, and he wouldn't have let you string him along all these years or been so nice to your quite frankly ridiculous text messages and behaviour.

You didn't need to message his ex at all, you were jealous and wanted to check he wasn't with her and that she knew you were back in the picture. Surely after 13 years you know another friend or relative to contact (hot that you needed to contact anyone anyway).

If you want a future with him, why have you been playing games for 13 years, yes I know you say MH issues but honestly you should let him go. I think he loves / loved you but you don't seem to (truly) love him back.

I predicted she would unblock him fairly quickly as I used to be similar to this and did the same when I was a lot younger.

I think the OP was ‘giving him a week’ prior to blocking.

You sound like a nightmare. Poor bloke.

You've been seeing him 'on and off' for 13 years and throughout that time, he's made it clear that he wants something more while you kept telling him you didn't want anything serious.

Then he goes off-grid for a couple of days and you felt the need to contact his ex-girlfriend about him? What on earth is wrong with you? And no, I don't believe you were actually worried about his welfare at all. You literally just couldn't bear the idea that he wasn't the one doing all the chasing for the first time, and you were hoping that if he was back together with his ex, you'd be able to fuck it for him for messaging her.

You've been messing him around stringing him along for 13 years; you have absolutely no right to be acting as if he's in the wrong for being briefly unavailable and you certainly have no right to be contacting his ex-partners about him. Frankly, I hope he isn't interested, because the dynamic here is unhealthy.

OP, regardless of your emotional issues from your childhood, you have treated this man like shit, for years, and he has just put up with it. Why should he continue to patiently be there for you when you have repeatedly dumped him and subjected him to these sorts of 'outbursts' over the years? Please get some therapy and work on your issues. You are not ready for a relationship with anyone, and especially not him.