Husband wont work

[Lozcrazy]

Long story short. Married for 20 years together for 22. 2 DC 8 and 6. Husband was diagnosed with bipolar but refuses to accept this or take medication although has been stable for over 10 years. Husband has never held down a reliable job except for a period of 4 years where he worked full time and well after I got pregnant. Husband was made redundant when my 2nd DC was 1 and decided that he would become a SAHD. We do not have any family where I live so although I was sad not to have the choice I only worked PT at that time and the childcare issue made sense. Fast forward and kids are now both in school FT. Have asked husband repeatedly to get a job so that we can increase our income for the past 18 months. My husband states that there is no point for him to get a job as we wont be better off after losing housing benefit/tax credits etc. Also states he does apply but there are no jobs etc etc.However I feel so resentful to him for his lack of effort and as though I have spent the past 20 years supporting him financially. Before I met him I gave up an opportunity to study at university as we had to move abroad at the time. Iv always worked dead end or low prospect jobs just to keep a roof over our heads. I have no savings. I am considering getting a full time job and squirriling some money away on the side to be able to afford a new place. My husband says that I'm ungrateful and that I should be happy with what we have. We do have a nice (rented) house and I am very appreciative that the benefits I receive cover our living costs beyond what I earn however iv never been happy being on benefits and dont want to teach my children that its normal not to work hard. I know we probably wouldnt earn much more but i cant understand why he thinks its normal to just sit at home all day. I've tried to set up my own business this year to try and create a future for me and my children however it's very difficult and I have no support from him. I feel very trapped and as though i have no way out. Aibu and ungrateful? Should I just accept that this is all I can hope for? I'm almost 40 and dont know how I would start again on my own😔

So is he doing all the housework, gardening and shopping while the kids are at school, plus cooking half the evening meals ?

It's a hard one. If he's doing all the kids stuff, housework etc then maybe he has a point, but now they're in school I think he should be getting a part time job.

I personally wouldn't financially support a man long term if I thought he was just being lazy. It would kill any ounce of attraction I had for him.

Sympathies OP, I can imagine how frustrated and resentful you must feel. Unless his bipolar in some way means he is unable to work, the benefit system was not designed for people who just don’t fancy working and it’s also a very short-sighted way of looking at things. Experience, possible pay increase, promotion, pension maybe, sense of achievement and contribution etc. all come from working, as does your children observing parental behaviours.

You say he has Bipolar.

That's kind of relevant I think..

Do the DWP accept he cannot work, for example is he on ESA or PIP?

So, how does his diagnosis affect his ability to get a job? Would having a permanent job adversely affect his health?

If no then he needs to be looking for something.

He's probably depressed. I wouldn't be able to cope with it though. Can you live like this for the next £30 years?

Could he not get a term time job in a school?

If he isn't working at all I assume he is doing all the meal planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, housework etc... given he gets 6 hours a day to himself whilst the kids are at school?

not the man any true woman will ever want. this is not against you and i know that the term true woman has been hurled around these days like a menstrual rag. Cuddos for my post tonight.

If you stay with him he will just suck you dry and make you miserable, it will be the same in 10, 20, 30yrs or even worse.
Can you imagine financially supporting him all your life into your retirement, having to live less of a life?
He may have MH issues but if he isn't going to help himself why should you have to make yourself unhappy because of his choice?

Thanku all for your replies. To clarify regarding his bipolar, he has been stable for over 10 years and not had an episode during that time. His bipolar does not affect him on a daily basis. Ie he is fully functioning in everyday tasks..it can make him feel over stressed in certain situations eg when starting a new job but he has overcome this in the past. I have also been very understanding of his illness for the past 20 years and never put pressure on him. Eg I have suggested he work part time /look for low stress work. I have even said that I would be happy for him to be a SAHD. However he also puts very little effort into that. He enjoys cooking so does cook everyday however he doesnt do any laundry or cleaning except wiping the kitchen /dishes after cooking. He does sort the car out and do the grocery shop but other than that I do most things. If I ask him to help eg diy/ gardening he says no. He says he 'doesnt believe 'in decorating or gardening and neither should I.
He refuses to claim jsa or any medical help as he refuses to accept his diagnosis although most doctors would still deem him fit to work so would probably not sign him off anyway.

You mentioned his bipolar and say he is stable but the behaviour and attitude doesn't seem like he is stable. Not being able to maintain job security is common with unmanaged bipolar disorder. Saying you are ungrateful is not acceptable when he isn't prepared to contribute labour for his family. Also he should be engaging with MH services for his bipolar, medication is life changing and learning how to self manage your symptoms is a powerful tool. If he's not prepared to do that for you, your DC then I'd leave him and move into another rental. Contact your housing associations and see if you can get on a list. My bipolar was unmanaged for a long time and looking back I'm lucky to be alive so I know how irresponsible it is to refuse to engage. Also know how hellish it is to live with someone who is bipolar and not accepting the impact and reality.

Are both your names on the rental agreement ?
Do you have your own bank account ?

Urgh so basically those of us that work (including you!) have to fund him to sit in his arse all day! I couldn’t have any respect for a man like that. It’s fine to be a SAHD if you can afford it yourselves and he actually does the job of being a SAHD but not if he’s expecting the rest of us to pay for him 😡.

Ptsdbarbiegirl thanku, I'm sorry to hear about your mental health issues in the past but your story is very inspiring. I know that my husband is in denial regarding his diagnosis but I think he has shown that he is able to function well without medication and yes I do feel myself and my children cant be held accountable for his choice not to take it.

Dustylee123 yes we are both on the agreement. All of our finances are joint atm. I do have my own account that I could put money into but as our income is so small he would be aware of this. I also don't know how much of my benefits I would lose even if I did work full time I.e I may just have the same amount of money as now and therefore wouldnt have enough to save any as we currently just make ends meet

Idratherbepaddleboarding - yes it is very off putting to say the least. Our marriage hasn't been in a good place for a long time as yes it's hard to respect someone when u dont feel any effort is reciprocated. He is a good person deep down but iv just come to be so resentful after so many years of trying 😥

So you’ve been working part time and he hasn’t been working at all for the past few years? How have you been able to get benefits? Why haven’t you got a full time job with dad at home? You both should be working.

Overthebow I have always worked and only ever taken off maternity leave which was paid for in full by my employer as they had a generous maternity package and I had worked there for over 11 years. I have recently tried to set up my own business to increase my earnings. I had not tried to increase my hours prior to my younger child being in school full time as I did not wish for my husband to watch them for extended periods. He was fine to watch them but as mentioned easy to stress and I did not wish for my children to be impacted by that as they are first and foremost my priority. I work very close to full time hours since taking on my own self employed work but could increase further

OP can I ask, are you On the tax credits system or have you been moved over to Universal credit yet? I'm not being nosey BTW, there is relevance to my question 😬

You’re enabling him. There is no incentive in his mind because he had everything he wants. You have more ambition to improve your situation or just achieve things so you’re fundamentally not on the same page at all.

If you divorce him he’ll have to get a job.

Hi OP, my brother has bipolar and has never properly worked. He hasn’t had severe episodes in a while but like your DH he struggles with stress and anxiety that make it impossible for him to hold down a “normal” job without severely compromising his condition (although he has other stuff aside from bipolar). My brother’s OH is the main breadwinner and my parents still heavily support him financially.

I don’t know your DH so can’t comment, but for my DB, I know the common reaction is to think he’s a coddled lazy shite (certainly my DH thinks this but would never say it out loud). However having grown up with him and knowing his struggles I know he has a real disability and cannot tackle life the same way I can. He is lucky that his OH understands this and is willing to carry the slack and that my parents are able and willing to support him as well. He does not take benefits.

Again, I don’t know your DH but if he’s as bad as my brother then he may never be in a place to get a job. And it’s ok not to be ok with that. I would never put up with being a relationship with someone like my DB, although I love him dearly as a DS it’s not something I could stand. His OH is ok with it.

I don’t like automatically telling people to leave their partners when things look challenging, but in this case and having had life long experience of someone with similar struggles, you may not be able to “change” him if this is a mental health issue beyond either of you. And if you can’t accept it (which I certainly couldn’t) then you should consider leaving and trying for the life you truly want.

So in summary:

• he flatly refuses to get paid work
• he doesn't manage the house or do the housework
• he can't be left for long periods with the children due to impact (on both probably)
• he refuses to engage with medical help for his own condition
• he refuses to engage with the systems which may provide him with disability support if he is unable to work fully

He isn't a SAHD. He isn't a partner at the moment and he has no need or intention of changing his status quo.

Its hard enough supporting someone through a mental health problem even with good quality mental health care and someone trying to engage with the help - its impossible in your situation with someone who won't engage (for whatever reason).

You have put up with this for 20 years, do you and the DC plan to continue like this for the next 30? This is the decision you have to make.

My story for you, sorry it’s a bit long.

I have bipolar as does my sister, mine was a late diagnosis so I had worked for 30 years. Hers is at the very severe end of the scale and mine is also towards that end. She managed to work on and off till she retired. I had a cataclysmic MH event and have not worked since. Five years of intense MH intervention prevailed. I actually had a very good jobs as did my sister.

We both fully engaged with services. She has been sectioned multiple times and I have been an in patient just to give an indication of the severity. I also have OCD and CPTSD and anxiety and depression.

I know my triggers. I am also off medication with the agreement of my psychiatrist, I also have a heart condition and lithium ain’t great for the heart.

I do almost all the housework, I do get very tired due to the effort of managing my condition. I cook a really decent meal every day and do almost all the food shopping, we don’t have small children at home anymore. I now manage after a complete break some voluntary work which has given me a new lease of life. It’s for a MH charity so they are very understanding if I am not having a great day.

I didn’t want to engage, I spent a year as some sort of creature living in a twilight world, my Mrs Rochester time, I was literally like an animal and had MH services and social services to my house for about 18 months. Then the intense treatment began. DH made me go, it was a group programme for 2 years that really helped me. It was NHS treatment.

I would say the only thing he shouldn’t do is look after the children alone for long periods. Children are unpredictable and that will set off stress but all the housework, laundry, food shopping is predictable if you have a plan. He will have days where he can’t do a thing, I do still have those days.

Today I am collecting shoes from the cobblers, cooking dinner, sorting out laundry. I will sit down between each task and watch tv or look at MN or play a game on my I pad to lower stress levels in between. DH has a very well paid job and I can draw my pension now which is actually quite decent and we don’t have money worries which is very helpful.

At what age was he diagnosed? Did he do much before?

Why half the evening meals if she works?