Husband wont work

[Lozcrazy]

Long story short. Married for 20 years together for 22. 2 DC 8 and 6. Husband was diagnosed with bipolar but refuses to accept this or take medication although has been stable for over 10 years. Husband has never held down a reliable job except for a period of 4 years where he worked full time and well after I got pregnant. Husband was made redundant when my 2nd DC was 1 and decided that he would become a SAHD. We do not have any family where I live so although I was sad not to have the choice I only worked PT at that time and the childcare issue made sense. Fast forward and kids are now both in school FT. Have asked husband repeatedly to get a job so that we can increase our income for the past 18 months. My husband states that there is no point for him to get a job as we wont be better off after losing housing benefit/tax credits etc. Also states he does apply but there are no jobs etc etc.However I feel so resentful to him for his lack of effort and as though I have spent the past 20 years supporting him financially. Before I met him I gave up an opportunity to study at university as we had to move abroad at the time. Iv always worked dead end or low prospect jobs just to keep a roof over our heads. I have no savings. I am considering getting a full time job and squirriling some money away on the side to be able to afford a new place. My husband says that I'm ungrateful and that I should be happy with what we have. We do have a nice (rented) house and I am very appreciative that the benefits I receive cover our living costs beyond what I earn however iv never been happy being on benefits and dont want to teach my children that its normal not to work hard. I know we probably wouldnt earn much more but i cant understand why he thinks its normal to just sit at home all day. I've tried to set up my own business this year to try and create a future for me and my children however it's very difficult and I have no support from him. I feel very trapped and as though i have no way out. Aibu and ungrateful? Should I just accept that this is all I can hope for? I'm almost 40 and dont know how I would start again on my own😔

If he's in denial about his diagnosis, what is his justification for sitting on his backside?

Just that the world owes him his lifestyle?

Start thinking about your own future and your own pension, OP. And you will get some benefits yourself if you drop him.

He will be there bleeding you dry for the next 60 years.

He won't he'll just sit somewhere on benefits. My daughter's ex lives on benefits. No maintenance. It's a crap situation

But at least it won't be OPs crap situation, she will be better off without him irrespective of how he responds to being cut loose.

@Pearlsaminga agreed. It's so much easier on your own. Even if you're skint.

I am full of admiration for you in such difficult circumstances. He probably won't change and maybe can't change, though there is absolutely no excuse for not doing some basic gardening and maintenance. It must be very draining yet here you are holding on to ambition for a better life for yourself and your children, even setting up your own business.
You remind me very much of my own mother. 'I'm determined' was her saying. She had that energy and drive no matter the difficulty and kept battling on. Your children will benefit and learn from you too, now and in years to come. You have a plan and hopes for your new business which can change your lives for the better. Maybe that change would even inspire him too and wake him up to possibilities and responsibilities.

Maybe it will inspire him and wake him up to the possibilities, or maybe he'll just be belligerent angry because she's doing better and he'll do even less in order to punish her for being better and more ambitious than he is.
In my experience men do not respond well to being outdone by women.

I have bipolar and work full time it's bloody hard but actually the routine is what helps me so much and I'd be worse not working. I have to make sure I sleep not get too stressed but its manageable and when I've been unwell I've taken time off.
He should work

The biggest thing is here he hasn't accepted bipolar or considered medication which would help him. Denial is the issue
Once I accepted the diagnosis I got better

My husband is similarly not working because of long-term ill-health (not by choice, and he is not on UC) and he does do all of this, except when he is too unwell to.

I think the fact that OP's husband is bipolar is hugely relevant to this. I'm a bit concerned that he is not on meds, but I don't know that much about current drugs for bipolar and it is possible that the side effects may be substantial. We have made the informed choice for my husband to come off meds when the therapeutic effect was less than the decline in quality of life from side effects. But the OP hasn't said if this is a factor.

Impossible for strangers to know whether your DH is so unwell he can't work, or should be making more of an effort

I dealt with this situation for years. When the relationship caved in, there was no gratitude for the fact that I’d put up with all this crap and financial exploitation for years. There was just seething rage that I had suddenly stopped funding him and wasn’t planning to write a cheque to provide maintenance (we were not married). He felt entitled.

Now I don’t earn as much but I get universal credit and have bought my own place.

Watch your back too as in a situation like this sometimes if you were to split, and he was a designated house husband, the kids could end up with him (or so common mumsnet legend says). I suddenly realised he could be in a place with our kids and I would be paying for it.

I would consider dropping him and organising your own pension etc.

Lots of women don't work and it all manages to work

I am not one of them

I'm almost 40 and dont know how I would start again on my own

You have always been on your own.

Get rid of this man and start living. Enough is enough.

In fairness, if he's been out of work for a decade it'll be hard to get any kind of a decent job.

He needs pull his weight at home though. No excuses.

Why only half the evening meals?

You are still so young op. Plenty young enough to start again without this cocklodger holding you back