Husband wont work

[Lozcrazy]

Long story short. Married for 20 years together for 22. 2 DC 8 and 6. Husband was diagnosed with bipolar but refuses to accept this or take medication although has been stable for over 10 years. Husband has never held down a reliable job except for a period of 4 years where he worked full time and well after I got pregnant. Husband was made redundant when my 2nd DC was 1 and decided that he would become a SAHD. We do not have any family where I live so although I was sad not to have the choice I only worked PT at that time and the childcare issue made sense. Fast forward and kids are now both in school FT. Have asked husband repeatedly to get a job so that we can increase our income for the past 18 months. My husband states that there is no point for him to get a job as we wont be better off after losing housing benefit/tax credits etc. Also states he does apply but there are no jobs etc etc.However I feel so resentful to him for his lack of effort and as though I have spent the past 20 years supporting him financially. Before I met him I gave up an opportunity to study at university as we had to move abroad at the time. Iv always worked dead end or low prospect jobs just to keep a roof over our heads. I have no savings. I am considering getting a full time job and squirriling some money away on the side to be able to afford a new place. My husband says that I'm ungrateful and that I should be happy with what we have. We do have a nice (rented) house and I am very appreciative that the benefits I receive cover our living costs beyond what I earn however iv never been happy being on benefits and dont want to teach my children that its normal not to work hard. I know we probably wouldnt earn much more but i cant understand why he thinks its normal to just sit at home all day. I've tried to set up my own business this year to try and create a future for me and my children however it's very difficult and I have no support from him. I feel very trapped and as though i have no way out. Aibu and ungrateful? Should I just accept that this is all I can hope for? I'm almost 40 and dont know how I would start again on my own😔

I think you're both taking the piss. You should be in a full time job.

I couldn't be with a man who has no respect for either me or himself.
Which by the sounds of it, that's what he's lacking, because if he did have any respect for you, he would not only be working but he would be pulling his weight in the home too.
Sorry op, but I would be showing him the door for that reason alone.

Ditto, why only half? Surely the sahp covers everything household?

You are only 40. Do you want to continue to live like this for the next 40 years op, or do you want to break free? Set yourself up with a 50/50 child care agreement and start to make your own future.

Leave him. I don’t know how you are coping with you only working part time in a low paid job and him refusing to work at all. He appears to be content with this, but clearly you are not. No way would I be entertaining someone who is too lazy to support his own family - what is attractive about that?

Leave him, get yourself a full time job. You’ll surely still be entitled to various benefits as a single mum who rents and has young children. Also consider retraining - healthcare etc.

I agree with PPs that even when stable, it's not necessarily possible for some with bipolar to work. The issue in this case is more that he is not engaging with possible treatment or therapy. Only once he's started engaging would it be clear whether he could work or not.

A lot of people with bipolar hold down full time jobs. This isn't about bipolar, this is about being married to a lazy slob.

Why on earth have you put puberty it gif do long?

*put up with it.

Should check the autocorrect before posting!

My ex has BPD and she’s a surgeon, one of my friends also has BPD and she works full time in a hospital. You absolutely can work with BPD, he is refusing to get treatment and OP said other than getting a bit stressed he does
not struggle with day to day life and there is nothing preventing him from
working, he is just lazy.

It's a bit odd that he's not medicating and hasn't had any sort of episode in over 10 years. If I was him, I'd also be sceptical of the diagnosis. It's not unheard of, it just makes me ponder what exactly happened to lead to a Bipolar diagnosis in the first place.

This. Life is too short.

You have yourself a Cocklodger. Why would he work when he gets to live the life of riley at your expense?!

You are definitely better off without him. Don’t save any money now, he will be entitled to it in a divorce. Wait until you are free of him to boost your earnings.

At your age you have all the time in the world to create a lovely new life without him in it.

So the sum total of what he contributes to your life is cooking? You could replace him with Hello Fresh or Gousto or whatever!

He's a drain on you. Do you want this to be how the rest of your life is?

You've been together since your teens and now you're approaching 40 - I think sometimes with those kind of relationships there's an absolute complacency that sets in and one partner thinks you're so fused you'd never break up and they can basically sit back and do nothing to maintain the relationship or contribute to your shared life. Wake up call incoming...

OP has explained this already. She hasn't been able to trust the DP to not negatively impact the DC if he cares full time. Now they are both in school OP is increasing her hours.

Thanku again for your feedback ladies. Its very difficult to break down 20 years of marriage into a few sentences and also to break down the complexities of BPD which is a spectrum disorder eg some ppl suffer from severe manic episodes whereas others only enter mild episodes of hyper mania or rarely cycle at all. I am confident that my husband did receive the correct diagnosis as he only stabilised after diagnosis and treatment with lithium. Prior to this he was incorrectly diagnosed with depression and prescribed SSRI s which triggered mania in him (this is common with BPD sufferers). I am therefore confident that he does indeed have bipolar disorder but I believe his disorder to be on the milder side of the scale.

Gizmostar I have already written that I am almost at ft working hours already and also that it is not easy for me to leave my children with my husband for extended periods. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but I am categorically not a work shy person and the entire reason for this thread is that I wish to increase our income and working hours!. It's difficult to work full time with 2 children in the best of marriages let alone where one partner suffers from issues or is not supportive.
There have been many times in my marriage where I have suffered from my own poor mental health due to the mental load of supporting my family both financially and in most other ways. But I have always had to go on and will continue to do so for my children. Thanku for all of those who gave constructive advise / opinions.
Sometimes i am not sure how i will go on but I am determined to create a better life for my children.

Wishing u all the best

Yeah this.

What's the point of him?

If he was a decent man he would be ensuring that he is enriching your life and supporting you as much as you are supporting him.

Now is a great time to split up. Once you are separated you can work more and build up your savings.

agreed. situations like this one could potentially break the system and everyone could end up losing free healthcare. then the people who relied on the system the most would be the hardest hit because others would be able to afford private healthcare

I have every sympathy for people with MH issues, having had some myself.

But no one is under any obligation to stay with someone, let alone financially support someone just because they have MH problems.

MH doesn't mean everyone around you needs to take care of you, or absorb your shitty selfish behaviour indefinitely.

Other people are allowed to pursue their own happiness and wellbeing, even if it adversely impacts someone with MH issues.

Be careful squirreling savings away, in a divorce that is classed as fraud. I would open savings accounts for the DC and put extra money there. Legally that won’t be your money tough, I would just do that to protect the DC and the savings.

op, your h needs to realise that sahm/d is a luxury, you should only do it if you can afford to. what he's doing has a negative impact on your dc's future, as you would accumulate way less wealth and wouldn't be able to give your dcs a head start (they might even end up having to look after your h financially when he's old), and he's taking benefit that isn't designed for him, which is draining resources for your dc. they could end up living in society that couldn't afford nhs anymore, without parents who can provide them with financial cushioning, that sounds horrifying

I've seen plenty of threads containing the nonsensical claim that someone claiming benefits denies that money to someone else and 'breaks' the Welfare State, but before now I've never seen the claim that it's destroying the NHS.

That's a new high watermark in the 'complete and utter bollocks' stakes.

You should probably dump this dead weight
Harsh, but true

If he was truly pulling his weight at home then it might be okay, but he just says silly things like I don't believe in gardening or decorating and neither should you.
I will be thinking yes mate and I don't believe in going to work and paying for someone who just wants to sit at home and do nothing all day.

The benefits to enable you to live the life you have will stop when your youngest child hits 18. A lot of people get caught short by this. And I say this as a single working parent who receives some UC - I want to ensure that I can afford life when my kids get older.

My dad was lazy too. I didn't think anything of it at the time but I look back and think wtf. It doesn't set a good example to your kids. You need to make a plan to leave. You might even be better off financially. I certainly am now I'm not supporting a dead weight.

I had a partner like this for years. He bled me dry. It transpired he was neglecting the children while he purported to be an SAHD. I’m now a single mum. I work my ass off. He has fallen on his feet and is bleeding someone else dry. I don’t get a penny from him and the DWP says he doesn’t even collect benefits.

I bent over backwards helping him and thought that it would be appreciated. It never has been. I’m regarded by his family (and get some abuse) as a total cow for putting him out.

Some people are entitled and will just take and take. They will blow up in your face when the cash cow stops giving.

Now there is a long term impact on my finances. I am having to work really hard to get round it.

It is financial abuse. He is twisting things to say you are not grateful. My ex used to say I was materialistic.