AIBU to feel miffed about the group chat?

[ThatFraggle]

When my brother got engaged we set up a group chat for wedding planning. Me, my husband & parents, my two sisters, their husbands, my brother, his fiancé (a very lovely lady). After the wedding the group was not deleted and became a place for general chat.

We had another group chat for years. Our nuclear family. None of my sisters or me have spouses in that chat. But my brother added his wife. AIBU to want there to have been a group where we exchange old photos and talk about, 'remember when the dog' etc.

It changes the dynamic. Of course I wouldn't mind if he shows her, but having her in has just killed the thing.

The former wedding one is still used for arranging lunches, baby photos etc. AIBU to want a 'birth family' group?

Obviously, I won't say anything, because it would only cause problems, but AIBU to feel a bit miffed?

Just to clarify, nothing horrible is said about anyone in that group. Just, it was for reminiscing.

I'm not sure I believe you are old enough to have a family of your own. This is ridiculous.

You are being ridiculous. Hth.

My DH’s did that started a chat just for siblings, she was the only one that used it, the rest of use the family chat which includes spouses and adult children, it’s the same for my family.

Hi @ThatFraggle yes i totally hear you! I love reminiscing about back in the day with my Mum, bro n sis and we have silly banter, if my sil or bil were added i think it would change the chat in the group. I'd be miffed to.

I think you are being ridiculous. I don't think it's stops you reminiscing at all. I've been added to my DPs family group, it changes nothing and most of thr time I ignore it as its just family chatter. It's probably the same for your SIL.

It's the fact that there's already a nuclear family plus in-laws group. And now the 'vibe' of the 'Smiths' group has changed.

“but having her in has just killed the thing”

Really? All 5 of you stopped sharing memories about non controversial, not particularly personal things, because of one person? That doesn’t really make sense.

You’re not being ridiculous at all, op. I have the same thing with my siblings - no SIL, BIL or nieces/nephews, just us original brothers and sisters. The chat is normally used for ‘do you remember so-and-so from Derry Street’ or for sending pictures of old school friends etc.

People are allowed to have their own thing - spouses don’t to have to be involved in every bloody thing we do!

Imagine you're having a girls lunch with old friends you went to school with. Then one brings their DP. In the same way, the dynamic of the group changes.

Anyway. Leave it a month. Let it die.
Then find an old dog memory photo and start “The OG Smiths” group, which the photo and a cheery, “let’s reinstate - I love having a parents & sibs only group!”

He has now his own family. Birth family dynamics are only until all kids live together with the parents.

My DH has a group chat with his mum and siblings which they started when his father died, it started as a place to discuss arrangements (due to some living miles away) he asked if I wanted to join and I said no, it’s perfectly reasonable to have a family only chat.

maybe your sil doesn’t want to be in the group but is awkward to leave?

i think you’re making this awkward, just carry on as your were, your sil will probably mute the chat anyway if it’s full of old memories she’s not part of

Yanbu
Start a new one in a few weeks

“Imagine you're having a girls lunch with old friends you went to school with. Then one brings their DP. In the same way, the dynamic of the group changes.”

I don’t think that’s the same. When you’re at lunch in person, it’s rude to deliberately choose topics the whole time that leave someone out. But in a WhatsApp group? It’s not rude. I have a family-no-spouses group, and it’s not unusual for different combinations of people to share things not relevant / shared by some of the group.
I do understand that you want family only, and think that’s fair enough. I’m just surprised that all 5 of you - including the person who added her! - have ALL stopped using it.

You could actually talk to your brother?

What a sad outlook

“maybe your sil doesn’t want to be in the group but is awkward to leave?”

That could be true.

Massive reach coming up, but… is the group only used for memories, or sometimes organising things? Is your brother the kind of person that thinks Wife = Secretary? Has he looped her in to do his Wifework, either responding to organising things, or taking over his role in “sharing stuff about family with parents”?

It's not 100% dead, but it's pretty much now identical to the larger group. Just baby photos mainly.

This is your family now. Family is a beautiful, growing (if you’re lucky), messy, supportive, loyal group of people who spend their lives entangled and caring for on another in various ways. Your brother’s wife is his present and future. You can be too if you don’t act immaturely and cause a rift. Enjoy your big engaged family and stop picking holes.

As in current babies, not sharing old baby photos.

There's already a group with siblings & spouse's

YANBU OP.

I’m in a group chat with in laws, and another one with younger members of in laws family(I.e. all the cousins), but DH also has a group chat with just his siblings that I’m not in.

I have never wanted to be in that chat and I’m
not even interested in what they talk about there, they have a shared history that I’m not a part of.

Similarly, DH is in a group chat with my family but I have 2 other group chats with siblings, he is in one but not the other, which is female only.

Not much you can do. You can always create a new group in a few months time.

Did you even read the OP? They’re all
already in a group chat.

*spouses

And interesting point about wifework. The main group does logistics, but there have been one or two admin things in the small group.

But you don’t need a separate group. You have access to your brother, can contact him about whatever you want. You can dm / call / pop to see him about private matters if necessary. You have a family group for trivial / mundane family chat and memories. What would be the purpose in excluding her?