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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel miffed about the group chat?

54 replies

ThatFraggle · 10/07/2023 20:40

When my brother got engaged we set up a group chat for wedding planning. Me, my husband & parents, my two sisters, their husbands, my brother, his fiancé (a very lovely lady). After the wedding the group was not deleted and became a place for general chat.

We had another group chat for years. Our nuclear family. None of my sisters or me have spouses in that chat. But my brother added his wife. AIBU to want there to have been a group where we exchange old photos and talk about, 'remember when the dog' etc.

It changes the dynamic. Of course I wouldn't mind if he shows her, but having her in has just killed the thing.

The former wedding one is still used for arranging lunches, baby photos etc. AIBU to want a 'birth family' group?

Obviously, I won't say anything, because it would only cause problems, but AIBU to feel a bit miffed?

OP posts:
Testina · 10/07/2023 21:28

ThatFraggle · 10/07/2023 21:26

*spouses

And interesting point about wifework. The main group does logistics, but there have been one or two admin things in the small group.

Well there you are then 🤣 I’ll bet one MN virtual dollar that your brother has seen a way out of a group that he might have to reply on, and now has his PA-Wife on the case 😉

Lacucuracha · 10/07/2023 21:28

SnapBang · 10/07/2023 21:27

But you don’t need a separate group. You have access to your brother, can contact him about whatever you want. You can dm / call / pop to see him about private matters if necessary. You have a family group for trivial / mundane family chat and memories. What would be the purpose in excluding her?

🤦🏻‍♀️

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/07/2023 21:30

I hear you OP.

it’s not about ‘excluding’ her - she’s in the other chat. The chat just for you and your original family was special and reflects a specific time in your life.

Surprised so many posters don’t understand how dynamics can change. Your comparison to the group of friends and one suddenly includes her DP is a good one.

I agree that you could let that one drift and start a new just family chat in a few weeks time - just for nostalgia and reminiscing.

allgrownupnow · 10/07/2023 21:32

I get it OP
I have a grparents

Delatron · 10/07/2023 21:34

I do think it’s quite normal to have family group chats - so me, my brother and my Mum have one. DH has one with his sister and Mum. It would change the dynamic if my bro added his wife for example.
As much as I like her.

I’d just wait a bit then create another one without her (maybe make up a random reason that it needs creating with just family). Then your brother can have two groups one with, one without his wife. I mean most people have loads of WhatsApp groups this days with different combinations of people.

allgrownupnow · 10/07/2023 21:34

Posted too soon, sorry
I have a group with my parents and siblings. DH was a bit miffed to not be included at first, but then realised how boring he wound find it and set up one with his mum and sibling.
It would change the dynamic and I (and dh!) would be pissed off if one of my sibs added their partner. But also very awkward to kick them out! Good luck

Delatron · 10/07/2023 21:36

Also agree that your brother probably added his wife for wife work/admin reasons. To be reminded about birthdays for example. Not on. Just create a new one.

RachelNoire · 10/07/2023 21:39

YANBU OP

i have a similar issue. SIL asked to be added to a chat I have with my siblings but never posts or comments but it’s still changed the dynamic somehow! Sad

Spinet · 10/07/2023 21:46

My H has a group with just siblings in it that was started after a main group that included in-laws like me already existed. Felt quite excluding for various reasons when it was set up and is now infuriating when H refers to something assuming I know about it, when it's been put on the siblings only group.

TokenGinger · 10/07/2023 21:48

I hear you! It changed the dynamic.

I have two brothers. We have a group chat with all of us, spouses, mum and dad (our parents are separated). This is used for sharing photos of when the grandchildren are together etc.

My brothers and I then have our own group chat, one with mum, and one with dad.

All four chats have a completely different dynamic and serve a different purpose. It'd be weird if in one of those group chats, a spouse turned up. The sibling chat is mostly just us ribbing each other.

Abouttimemum · 10/07/2023 21:49

Yeah I agree with OP, we have a family group chat just my parents and siblings and I love it! Not a chance I’d add my husband

RachelNoire · 10/07/2023 21:55

Spinet · 10/07/2023 21:46

My H has a group with just siblings in it that was started after a main group that included in-laws like me already existed. Felt quite excluding for various reasons when it was set up and is now infuriating when H refers to something assuming I know about it, when it's been put on the siblings only group.

Why would you feel excluded from a group that was just for siblings when you’re not a sibling?

it sounds like your DH is being an arse for repeatedly mentioning things from the other group to you too, deliberately winding you up perhaps

justanothermanicmonday1 · 10/07/2023 21:58

Yeah I agree, this would bother me. We have a group chat for me, my mum & sister. DP has one for his mum & sister. Nothing wrong with keeping things separate x

Thosepeskyseagulls · 10/07/2023 22:07

I’m in the minority here but I agree with you: both DH and I are in groups with our childhood nuclear families (ie our parents and siblings). Neither of us would have any interest in joining each other’s.

JudgeRudy · 10/07/2023 22:08

I think I get what you mean though ersonally I've never been invested in WhatsApp/Messenger groups. In fact I avoid them like the plague. Seems a bit ott to set up a 'wedding planning group'...for you all!
I know that's not your point. I'm imagining it's similar to joining your husband and his friends for golf on Saturday, or perhaps having your work mates over and your OH not buggering off.
It's not your group, it belongs to you all. Unfortunately you can't win this one so you're just gonna have to keep the sibling banter to F2F

Original poster
ThatFraggle · 10/07/2023 22:14

JudgeRudy · 10/07/2023 22:08

I think I get what you mean though ersonally I've never been invested in WhatsApp/Messenger groups. In fact I avoid them like the plague. Seems a bit ott to set up a 'wedding planning group'...for you all!
I know that's not your point. I'm imagining it's similar to joining your husband and his friends for golf on Saturday, or perhaps having your work mates over and your OH not buggering off.
It's not your group, it belongs to you all. Unfortunately you can't win this one so you're just gonna have to keep the sibling banter to F2F

We don't live close enough to be f2f. I don't think we are ever all in the same place at the same time apart from weddings.

OP posts:
Smidge001 · 10/07/2023 22:45

Just create another group called "Siblings only" and use that one going forward. Easy.

BonnieGlasses · 10/07/2023 22:49

Who's the group admin? Just remove her. But take away your brother's admin rights first so he can't add her back in.

Cherryana · 10/07/2023 22:50

I completely get from your perspective that it changed the dynamic for you. But if you just go back to normal reminiscing I expect your sister in law won’t be that interested and will probably barely look at it. She might like the odd thing to be polite but it won’t mean anything to her and will be a passing glance.

Start tomorrow- add your memory and get the ball rolling again.

Createausername1970 · 10/07/2023 22:55

The likelihood is that she will find the original chat less interesting than the new chat. Does she even respond in the original chat to the "do you remember" posts?

littleripper · 10/07/2023 22:58

We have both but the one that gets the most use is the one I have with my 2 fav DB only 😂we have a laugh and never fall out

PizzaPizza56 · 10/07/2023 23:02

I left DH's family WhatsApp because I couldn't cope with the constant bickering between his mum and sister. It was embarrassing. He shows me things that I might find funny now but I don't have to be subjected to all the cringe bits.

Thelastofbus · 10/07/2023 23:07

I get it. In my family we have a family group, with no partners, we have a ‘the kids’ group just for my siblings and we have an ‘event’ group for the whole family, aunts uncles and everyone’s partners. Different chats in different groups! If my poor husband had to be in all the chats he’d throw his phone out of the window.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/07/2023 23:07

You can start a new one

Gelatelli · 10/07/2023 23:10

Start one about your mum's birthday or something, add her in later.

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